A Tough Season...

Here we are at the end of October and it's the first time I've really had any time to myself since the school year started! It has been a whirlwind of activity here in the Schussler household and there is more to come!

I had a dream last night that has prompted this post... In my dream I was at work and my boss came in to tell me I wasn't doing my job well enough. He scolded me for not putting everything I had into the kids. He stormed out, only for a co-worker to come in and tell me I had dropped the ball on some important activity. She left and another co-worker came in to do the same. Soon, the people turned from being co-workers to friends. Close friends were telling me how I missed their birthday or didn't attend their child's special event. The line of people just kept coming. They turned into family members telling me how selfish I was because I wasn't spending time with them. And then it was my boys and husband standing there as a group telling me I was failing them because I kept forgetting things and spent too much time at school. I awoke in a panic, unsure of what was real and what was just the dream.

I sometimes have dreams where when I'm stressed in real life they mirror what I'm stressed about. I've had dreams about messing up Baby Dedications from way back when I was Nursery Director. I've had dreams where I have lost a child while at school. But this dream takes the cake on intensity! 

For the past few months, my life has been extra busy and extra stressful. I have been teaching full time in 4th grade as a long term sub, which I have never done before. I'm not sure how I even came to be in that position, but here I am, teaching alongside 3 amazing, seasoned teachers. Work comes home with me, whether it's papers to grade or thoughts of troubled students I don't know how to help. It's been emotionally and physically exhausting to say the least. Everyday I am having to learn something new, while I am still trying to figure out the stuff I just learned the day before. Acronyms are always flying, and I am left trying to figure out if it pertains to me or not. SAP's, SLP's, DEI's, MTSS meetings... It's a new language that I am just starting to understand.

It's been a hard school year for all teachers... they're all exhausted. Students don't want to learn. They don't want to work at anything. Standards keep changing. Expectations keep changing. Parents blame the teachers for their child's failures. It's a mess... And I often feel that while my co-workers are having to deal with all of that they're also having to "take care of" the inexperienced substitute who is constantly asking questions and needing things from them.

In addition to school, there's home. The boys are super busy with activities and Kevin and I find ourselves feeling like primarily taxi drivers. Keeping tabs on where everyone needs to be at what time and with whom is way more exhausting than I ever expected! We are often double or triple booked... (Thanks, Grammy and Gramps for helping with the driving!) Paperwork constantly needs to be filled out, checks need to be written, all so that our humans can be a part of the things they love. There's also a layer of hardship happening in our house that I can't really get into on here at this time. But know that it's heartbreaking and exhausting and is something that comes from the devil himself... It's a parent's worst nightmare wrapped in extra pain and hurt. And while all of this is happening, we still have the normal day to day managing of the house to deal with.

Our house is dirty and cluttered. Our laundry is way behind. My mood is often at the "make one more annoying sound and you won't live to see tomorrow" level. I forget things more than I ever have before. I call people the wrong names. English becomes hard to speak by about 2:00 in the afternoon rather than the normal 8:00 pm. I cancel appointments and events I was supposed to go to (if I even agreed to go in the first place). I dread pretty much any activity that doesn't involve my bed. I constantly feel like I am being hit with another wave, knocking me down and making it harder to get back up. I have nothing left to give to anyone... And it sucks. There I said it... The way things are right now SUCKS! I don't like it, but it's just how it is right now. 

The guilt I carry for not being all that I used to be for people is apparently bigger than I realized, hence the dream last night. I'm sorry to my friends who don't hear from me because even sending a text feels like a HUGE task right now. I'm sorry to our family who doesn't see or hear from us ever because we don't have a moment in our lives to breathe right now. I'm sorry to our church that we can't serve and give of our energy like we used to because we have no more energy to give. I'm sorry to my guys that it seems I give more of myself to the 4th graders than I give to you. And I'm sorry to the 4th graders that I can't bring a level of experience and expertise that you truly need.

This is a season that at some point will pass. This is NOT my forever. I am at a place where I know this is temporary. Unfortunately, in this temporary time, people are not going to get what they want or need from me. I am trying to learn to be okay with that. God gives me enough strength to take care of the immediate needs in front of me. And although all of the other people and things are important to me, I can only give so much. So, while this season is happening, please know I still love you and care for you. Know that I am not intentionally ignoring you and being mean to you. I truly am doing the best that I can. And know that my best isn't going to be enough for everyone. And as much as I dislike that, I have to accept it... This too shall pass (I hope)!

A Fear-driven Life

 I can't believe it's been a year since I last posted on here! Time has flown by and I am left wondering what else has zipped by me when I was busy doing other stuff!

Life is good here in the "land of giants" as I so lovingly call my home. The boys are enjoying their summer break, and are eating everything in sight! They are growing like weeds and it's hard to imagine what another couple years will look like since they're already so tall now. We officially have a Junior, a Freshman, an 8th grader and a 6th grader!! Kevin's doing amazing things at work and is loving living his dream. We foresee many new responsibilities coming his way over the next year or so!

And then there's me... Not much has changed in a year for me. I'm still Mama, the finder of all lost things and holder of the calendar. I have chosen to stay another year as the building sub for our elementary school. (Okay, it's not "our" elementary school anymore since Ben just moved up to middle school. But it will always be ours.) I'm enjoying the calmness of no school and spending time with the boys. It's all comfortable. Very comfortable. Very predictable. And I wonder if that's really what it should be like...

I don't know about you all, but I tend to live a very fear-driven life. But my fear doesn't seem to be the "normal" type fears. For instance, I don't typically worry too much about things like getting into accidents or getting sick. I'm aware that those things can happen, so I try to not be stupid with my behaviors, but I don't let those types of things affect what I do. I don't tend to be too frightened for my kids over new things, like my soon to be 16 year old learning to drive. I DO have an irrational fear of bees that especially in the past has gotten in the way. But, I have learned to not let it affect me as much. I've gotten close enough to them to get some amazing photographs without completely losing my mind! 

My fear is deeply routed inside of me. It keeps me from fully being who I can be. It keeps me from pursuing things that aren't in my comfort zone. My fear is of not only failure, but of success. And I don't know how to move past it. I'd like to say that I have chosen to continue subbing for another year because it's what I WANT to do. Because it's what I'm MEANT to do. Rather, I am continuing to sub because it's comfortable for me. I don't have to go and search for something different to do. I don't have to put myself out there to try to find a new job. By staying, I don't have to take the time to dig deep and really discover what God wants for me. (PLEASE HEAR ME when I say I do LOVE my job as a sub. I am very blessed to work with amazing people. I just never gave God the opportunity to show me anything different.)

I hold back from a lot of things because I am afraid that I could possibly be really good at it. It might sound weird, but I am often uncomfortable when people compliment me or when things I have done are recognized positively. I KNOW that what God has for me will be wonderful and most likely I'll be successful at it. There's a big part of me that doesn't want that. I don't know why. It'll be something I'll have to dive into...

Currently, my fear is holding me back from something I have always wanted to do and that is to write a book. I have found every reason under the sun to NOT write this book. Questions like, "Who am I to write a book? Who's going to read it anyway?" And often times the bigger questions are like, "What happens if it's successful? What happens if other parents start following my ideas/advice?" The fear, the uncomfortableness makes me stop in my tracks, and I find all the other things to distract me from sitting down and writing. 

Why am I sharing this? Because I feel that we all have certain things that we are afraid of. And those fears we have are maybe a little less "scary" when we say them out loud. I know I am not living the way God wants me to because He does not call us to live in fear. I know that the longer I allow my fears to keep me from doing the things I believe He wants me to do, the further away I get from Him. But it's a struggle for me. I would assume it can be a struggle for some of you who read my posts. 

Fear stinks! God and I have a lot of work to do (okay, I have a lot of work to do while God waits patiently for me to catch up on His plans)! This is me taking one step closer to not allowing fear to drive what I do or don't do... If I can get up close and personal with bees, maybe I can be less fearful of other things!

Unsettled but hopeful...

Welp, Summer is upon us... The boys are home and I am off work until September. SO MUCH TIME TOGETHER! Some moments that's a lovely thing. Sometimes not so much. The noise, the smells, the messes are all feeling way bigger than they really are. The tween/teenage attitudes are flying and eyes are rolling. But, we're having a great time! We've already been on a couple of day trips, and have several more planned over the coming weeks. And let's not forget the annual beach trip!! I am so ready to put my toes in the ocean!!!

Having time off has been really good for me. I was starting to feel overwhelmed before the school year was over and this time has allowed me to catch my breath. As most people can relate to, it was a hard school year for all of my guys. Kevin had a tough class. The boys had a hard time adjusting to the many changes that were thrown their way. I worked a lot more days than in years past. Everything felt unsettled, as we were always waiting for more changes, more restrictions, more surprises.

Things are definitely leveling out as the pandemic restrictions are slowly lifting. People are a little less fearful, a little less anxious. The boys seem to be returning to their "normal" selves (although we all agree none of them are normal). We have new routines and spirits are definitely high!

Although everything is becoming more settled and less chaotic, I find myself still feeling unsettled. Over the past several months, I've been thinking a lot about my place and what God is wanting to do with me. The boys are getting older and are needing my constant care less and less. They are much more independent and even Ben, our baby, is not needing me in the same way anymore. 

As my role as mom takes on a new form, I'm left wondering what's next? After this coming school year, I'm going to be free to work pretty much wherever I please, as Ben will be old enough to get himself ready and on the bus all by himself. I feel like I should be excited about the next step, but I'm not... I'm just left feeling unsettled. I don't know what I want to do. I don't know what I'm qualified to do. I have spent my entire life dreaming about being a mom and never about a career. Almost every job I have had has been "dropped" in my lap by God and has fit perfectly into our crazy, hectic life. All of my work decisions have been heavily dependent on whether it would fit the life of a mom of 4 young boys.

I feel this strong desire/urge to take on more. It's hard to explain, but there's a deep sense or longing to do more with my life. To have a bigger impact on those around me. The problem is that I have no sense of what that it is. Kevin and I have some significant financial goals we'd like to meet, and a real, full time job would definitely help us reach our goals. But, the desire is more than just based on financial goals. I feel as if I am not fulfilling my full potential... Like I'm not using everything God has given me to my fullest ability.

It's a weird place for me to be in and I am definitely NOT a fan of it. I want a clear plan. I want to know what's next. I want to know the next steps so I can plan accordingly. But, it's just not clear. The desire is there, but the "what's next" is not. SO, I wait. And I pray. And I sit in the unsettledness until God shows me the next step.

I truly believe that God has something in store for me. Something that will bring me joy and Him delight. I pray it's something that impacts others in a positive way. I pray it's something that will help reach other goals. And I pray that I can be open to whatever it is He has planned and to move forward even if I'm nervous.

In the meantime, I am going to enjoy my guys, my summer off and the school family I have found through subbing. I am going to be content with how things are, even if it means our family and financial goals will be achieved slowly. There are so many amazing things happening in the here and now to appreciate, all while being aware and open to what's coming next. It's that weird "unsettled but hopeful" place of being... 

Unexpected Lessons Learned When I Say YES

A couple months ago I had been asked to speak at the Ladies' Retreat at our church. I wasn't expecting to be asked, and was certainly surprised that they wanted ME to speak. I could have listed a dozen women who would have made better speakers than me. BUT, I have learned over the years that God has different thoughts and plans, so I begrudgingly said yes. What I didn't know then was the impact that saying yes would have on me.

I spent the past couple months in preparation for the "big event", which was this past Friday and Saturday. Lots of prayer and planning went into my presentation on Joy in Jesus. LOTS of deleting and second guessing the material. LOTS of moments where I wanted to back out... Not because I was afraid of public speaking, but because I was afraid they chose the wrong person. I was afraid that I had nothing to offer the 70 some women and young ladies that were planning on attending. Whenever I started feeling that slight sense of fear, I'd remember that God can use anything to reach His children. I kept going back to Him in prayer, saying, "I don't know what you have planned. I don't know what you're doing. But, use me in whatever way you see fit." 

As the final week of preparation arrived, excitement and nerves came in waves. My slides were ready. My heart was ready. My head, not so much! The lies Satan told me during the days leading up to the event were strong. I held to the truths I know from God, but man did I question what I was thinking when I said yes. 

Friday night came, and the first speaker took the stage. She's a wonderful lady who has spent decades as a missionary in Latin America. She spoke so eloquently from the Bible. She knew the Bible inside and out. And as I watched and listened, I began to hear Satan tell me ALL the ways I wasn't like her. How I would never know the Bible like her. How I could never be as poised as she was. I went to bed that night terrified that I was the wrong person to be speaking...

The second speaker spoke Saturday morning, and I found myself freaking out even more. She, too, knew the Bible so well. Her method of teaching was much more put together and prepared than mine. My rough outline and slides approach certainly was NOT the same as either woman who had already presented. The panic rose inside me. Was my way going to scare people away? Would I sound less biblical? Would people realize how much I don't know? Will I make people seasick from my pacing on stage? Could God really use me to reach them? Would my presentation get me kicked out of the church? (Yes, that's a highly irrational thought and NO, on any other day I would not think that. BUT, Satan had really been trying to ensure that God did NOT shine through me that day.)

And as I sat there freaking out, a close friend reminded me of all the ways God makes us different. And how there are different ways to present because there are different types of people, all of whom learn and hear things differently. The table of women I sat with encouraged me to remember that God can use me no matter what. I pulled myself together. I pulled my thoughts back to God and told Satan to buzz off. 

When it came time for me to present, I left God in charge. I followed my slides (and my very rough outline) and let God do the rest. Much of the 2 hours is a blur to me... I'm not 100% sure of what I said, but I know people laughed and cried. I know during the two music videos I showed, the room filled with not only the voices on the videos, but the beautiful voices of the women sitting at the tables. I know God did His thing. And, even if NO other person was touched during that time, I know one person who definitely was... ME. Not by what I said, but how God taught me way more than I could have taught others.

As I have spent time processing that day (and the days leading up to that day), I am surprised at how much God has taught me. I have spent a lot of time thinking about how silly I was for freaking out over being different. He uses ALL of us. He made me the way I am to reach people who might not be reached in other ways. There were so many ways I could see Him in the whole process. And my doubt in His ability to use me has been replaced with utter amazement over how He can use little ol' me to teach ME a lesson or two! 

I have thought a lot about flowers... There are a lot of beautiful flowers in this world, and each one is as different as the next one. You have roses in a full array of colors. Irises are so tall and regal, while poppies are bright and fun. My favorite flowers, tulips, are so colorful and light (almost dainty) versus large sunflowers that hover above you. Each flower is pretty. Each flower is appreciated. Some people love roses, others tulips. It doesn't change their beauty just because they're different. Rather, it makes them special... We humans are the same. And I need to remember that often!

For the past several years, I've had this seemingly BIG (and unrealistic) dream to do speaking engagements on the lessons God has taught me and on parenting. If I'm being honest, my ultimate dream is to be the "Dave Ramsey of parenting". (If you don't know who Dave Ramsey, he's the guy who started Financial Peace University.) I never, EVER thought it would ever be more than a dream. I don't know if it will ever come to fruition. But what I do know is that this Saturday proved to me that some of the things holding me back from pursuing that dream shouldn't be holding me back. Those fears of not being someone else will continue to bubble up, but God keeps reminding me how He never wanted me to be like anyone else in the first place. No matter what comes of things, I will work towards embracing me for me and allow God to shine through me in whatever way He deems necessary. I will be a confident tulip, even if I'm in a field of sunflowers!

The Other Influences (and why a tribe is necessary!)

Warning to ALL parents of young children: this too will be you some day! Read this post with understanding that every phase of parenting is a challenge AND every phase is also amazing!! It really just depends on the day as to which side you sway to!

Our household has been changing over the last couple years. We have moved from the crazy phase of baby/toddlerhood to the cute and inquisitive elementary and now into the attitudey "you don't know anything" pre-teen/teenage phase. Our youngest (THANKFULLY) is still the cute, inquisitive 10 year old, but let me tell you, the other three are definitely in the throws of the dreaded pre-teen/teenage phase! We are now in a place where we are praying that at least some of the stuff we taught them over their first decade or so STUCK, because they aren't hearing us now! It has become quite apparent that our influence is currently not the same as it used to be. And, even though I knew it was coming, it's way harder than I was expecting!

Our oldest son Patrick turned 14 back in July, and he has been our guinea pig since day one. Many of our parenting fails fell on him. And, they still do. We've never had a teenager before him. We've never dealt with the weird and awkward happenings of a teenage boy. Every "normal" developmental experience with him is new and scary and sometimes sad. He has struggled with school, not because it's hard, but because it's too easy. He's struggled with motivation. He's struggled with organization. All of these things made BIGGER because of the teenage-ness happening inside him. After years of trying to help him, I came to the realization I no longer had any helpful impact on him. I was just like the adults in any Charlie Brown cartoon... "Blah blah blah!" So, we reached out to his teachers, and magically, they were able to help him make adjustments which changed his trajectory. They didn't say anything new. NOTHING! It was everything I had been saying for years. BUT, it came from other people and suddenly sounded like sage, wise advice!

I could handle that. It was in the academic world. I think it's great that his teachers could work together to help him. I found it almost funny that years of me saying something sounded new and almost exciting when said by someone NOT me.

It wasn't so funny when the same kind of thing happened this weekend, only on a personal/spiritual level... While on our church's youth retreat, Patrick had an amazing, transformational moment. He was convicted by the preaching and reached out to the pastor and some leaders. The counsel they gave him, the prayers they prayed impacted Patrick and helped him mature as a Christian. They told him all the things I have been telling him for years, but he never really heard. He came home changed, not because of me, but because of them. And it made me sad. A huge moment in his young life wasn't impacted by the counsel of his mom, but by other people. 

Intellectually, I knew this would happen. I knew as the boys grew and matured that my influence would be less and less, and the influence of those around them would grow. And yet it still made me sad. I sat with the sadness for a little while. I wanted to be able to mourn the loss of the little boy that Patrick no longer is. As I sat in my sadness for that short time, a new feeling began to replace the sadness. It was pride... I am so unbelievably proud of Patrick for reaching out to the people he trusts. I am proud of the young man he is becoming and of the fact he is seeking to overcome the struggles he's having. 

There was also a level of gratitude for the pastor and the young leaders that counseled Patrick that night, and will continue to pour into him over the next few years. THEY are the tribe we have always wanted for our boys. They stepped up at the exact moment that Patrick needed them, when Kevin and I no longer can reach him like we used to. They will continue to disciple him, counsel him, and love on him. As a parent, it is so comforting to know that when our boys won't come to us, they have a tribe of people they can go to that we trust. 

Parents: there will come a day (if it hasn't already) that your children will not see you quite in the same light as they did when they were five. You will not be their everything forever. Who do you want them to go to when they won't go to you? Who do you want in your tribe? It's hard to think about our children not being able to come to us, but it will happen... If you had to choose people instead of you, who would they be? 

The Interesting Ways God Works!

Have you ever wondered what God is thinking as He watches us all flounder around through life? Do you wonder if He chuckles at us over the silly things we do? I often picture God like a dad... Someone who sits back and becomes highly amused by my antics. You know, the kind of dad that watches his daughter or son toddle around and says "that's gonna hurt" when they fall down? We have all been made in HIS image, which makes me believe that He has to have a great sense of humor. 

I've been thinking a lot about God and who He is and how He does things. I sometimes am amazed at the little ways He weaves things together at just the right time to "prove" He's with me and is FOR me. When I am intentional about keeping my eyes on Him, I get to see these glimpses of just how much He knows me and the things I need. Here is the most recent example:

As I have written about before, things haven't exactly been the easiest lately. My head has not been in the greatest of spaces and I definitely have NOT been the most pleasant of people to be around. I was starting to find less and less blessings and more and more negative things. God had a plan to turn things around... It wasn't until today that I realized how He was working.

A few weeks ago, I was asked to speak at our church's women's retreat in February. It seemed a little out of the blue to me, as I've only been attending the church for just under 6 months. But, I agreed to speak and was given a choice to speak on Abiding in Christ or Joy in Jesus. I went with Joy in Jesus because that's what I felt God urging me to pick. 

Over the next couple of weeks, I started planning what I would be talking about, reading a lot of Bible verses and looking through books on JOY. I have listened to a lot of stories women ( and some men) who found joy in Jesus in amongst their hard times. I watched MANY YouTube videos of Chonda Pierce (a Christian comedienne) who suffered great loss and yet found laughter in her darkness. As I have been working on the session I will be teaching, I have found myself more joy-filled. More at peace. With more hope. My attitude is changed. And what once felt like drowning seems so much more manageable. I have smiled more, laughed more. There's been a little extra pep in my step. NOTHING on the outside has changed. I am still balancing the boys' needs and my self doubts and the pandemic and a multitude of other things. BUT, the inside has changed immensely. 

God knew what I needed. He knew just how to make it happen. How interesting it is that He orchestrates even the little things. We as humans often learn the best when we have to teach it to others. I am definitely no different... preparing to teach on joy only helped me learn how to find and keep joy in my heart. I am so grateful that He works even in the little things!

I want to leave you with a quote from back of one of the books I have been looking through on joy. It struck me and has stuck with me... 

"Joy is meant to be ours, a joy that is defiant in the face of this broken world. This joy is not simply happiness on steroids; it's the unyielding belief that sorrow and loss do not have the final say. It's stubborn determination to be present to whatever may come and to interpret both goodness and grief by the light of heaven." Stasi Eldredge, Defiant Joy

The FACADE is Crumbling...

Disclaimer: This is a very honest post... It's intent is just to express what I am thinking and feeling. I have always been (and will always be) open about the things I think and feel in hopes that it helps others know they're not alone... I am very much aware that what I FEEL is not always REALITY, and that I cannot fully trust the feelings I have. BUT, I also cannot discount them. I face them head on and always rely on God's truth to help sort things out.

I am drowning. There's no other way to describe it than that I am drowning. The sea of events and emotions and thoughts have overtaken me, and my "fake it 'til I make it" attitude is getting harder to maintain. I can feel myself cracking under the pressures of everyday life, and you throw in a pandemic and uncertainties about school/work for our family, and I seriously feel like I am going to lose it. 

The person most people see is a strong, confident woman who has everything under control. In reality, I am crumbling under the weight of life and bear no resemblance to the facade I portray. I don't know what I'm doing... I don't know how to help my boys as they struggle with school. I spend so much time trying to help them maneuver through tough choices and negative feelings about school, and yet I feel like we are getting no where. 

I question my parenting as I witness my oldest crying because of school issues and my 11 year old act so rude and ungrateful towards us. "What am I missing?" is a regular question I ask in our house. I don't understand my boys. I don't know how a boy thinks. And it shows. They're growing up, which is amazing for them! But as they grow up, they are no longer needing me as much. They need their dad. They need the men in our tribe that we have built. I truly believe that we could go days in our house with me hiding somewhere, and no one would be bothered by that. Their attention and energy all go to my husband, because Dad is cool. Me, not so much... I'm just mom.

I question everyday if my choice to work, or where to work, is the right one. The boys aren't really get 100% of me, and I worry that working is hindering them. And then there's the whole idea of subbing. I want so badly to make a difference, and to be an excellent teacher while I'm there. But, I find myself feeling insecure and unsure that I am actually being helpful or effective. I LOVE where I sub. I LOVE the students and the teachers. But every day I feel nauseous as I head to school because I'm scared I will mess up or that I won't know what I'm doing. And most days I leave wondering if I made a difference or if I totally screwed up what I was supposed to teach. (In case you didn't know, I am NOT, nor ever have been, a certified teacher. I am not even sure how I was allowed to sub in the first place!) I want to be more than a place holder or just a "breathing body"... I want the students to feel safe and secure when their regular teachers are out. I want the teachers to be able to know their students are well cared for. And it wouldn't hurt if the students actually learned things, too!

I question my abilities as a wife and a friend. I make our marriage hard. I make it hard for Kevin to live with me. Not intentionally, but just by being me. I am emotional and difficult to understand. My lack of energy and constant hurting leaves Kevin the majority of the housework. My insecurities and needs cause a good bit of chaos.

I am not doing so great as a friend, either. I have not been good at keeping in touch or making time. My own little world feels so overwhelming that I have allowed it to get in the way of being emotionally there for them. I feel like what little energy and emotional capacity I have is being sucked up by the four boys in my house. And I don't like it. I miss my friends. A LOT!

I question as to where I fit in in our new church. The boys and Kevin have settled in so nicely and I still don't know where I belong. The church is AMAZING, and I am so happy we started attending there. But I don't know what I should be doing there. I don't know how my gifts will fit in with what's there (or even what gifts I really have to offer).

I could go on for hours about all of the things I question. The pandemic alone brings on a very long list of things I question... How can we be even remotely confident in the decisions we make about where to go, what to do, when the "experts" can't even agree?

There is something I don't question... I don't question God's love for me. I might question what He's doing (I do that often), but never His love for me. I hold very tightly to the knowledge I have of Him. The questioning, the lack of confidence only brings me closer to Him, because I wouldn't be able to get through the day without Him. I get up everyday relying on His strength, because I have no strength of my own. I know I'm not alone, even when sometimes I feel alone. My confidence in Him allows me to weather the storms that come, even if it looks quite ugly as it's happening (and trust me, it is quite ugly right now!). This will pass. This will also return someday. It's just who I am and how I'm wired. But, just as I know it will pass and return, I KNOW that I will be okay. Because I have a God that loves me more than anything.