Change is Inevitable (and UNCOMFORTABLE)

We are only 5 days away from Christmas! Our house is buzzing with very excited boys! The majority of presents are wrapped, the tree has been up and decorated for a month, the Christmas sign orders have been delivered, and all that is left is to bake the goodies. Oh, how I love to bake!! I turn on my favorite Christmas music and bake the day away!

Christmas feels a little easier this year. Last year, we were all still shaken by the loss of my brother in law, and it was challenging to find the joy in the midst of events. This year, although we all still miss him, we have found a bit more joy and excitement for the season. I personally would be perfectly content if we just stayed in this moment for a few months... If we stay in December, I won't have to face the changes that are coming in January. But, no one has figured out how to stop time, so change is inevitable.

I am typically a fan of change in small doses. I like changing up the arrangement of furniture, or my hair style, or what foods to eat. But, as I get older, I am becoming less open to BIG life altering changes. The unknowns send me into a small tizzy and all I want is to keep things exactly as they are.

But, life isn't controllable like that. The tighter we hold on to what control we think we have, the more anxious we become. And so, as 2019 is rapidly approaching, I am trying to remain calm and remember that God's got this...

Back in November, after much prayer and discussion with my family, I chose to resign as the Director of our Special Needs ministry at our church. It wasn't an easy decision, but I felt God was saying it was time. I was confident that it was time to empower someone else to lead the ministry, to care for the families and ministry partners, and to pour into the children and teens that attend. I have offered to stay on until the right person was found to replace me so there is no "end date" just yet.

The decision to step down was hard, but I'm learning the next steps are even harder. I have worked at the church for 9 years. It is home to me. Even though I was in several different roles during my time there, ultimately my job was the same. Minister to families. Build up Ministry Partners. Grow the ministry. And now, I am stepping out into a world I haven't been in for a long time.

My goal is to sub at our boys' elementary school starting in January. The hours fit what I need, there's flexibility, and I get to work with some really cool people. When I was in college, I originally wanted to become a teacher, so here I am, almost, sort of becoming a teacher. But, I am scared!!! What if I'm not good at it? What if the kids don't respond well to me? What if I can't follow through with what the teachers want for the day? If find myself getting all in a tizzy about the unknowns, which then causes me to question things even more.

With the job change, we are also going to have budget changes, which we aren't exactly sure what that will look like just yet because I don't know exactly how much I'll make because I won't know exactly how many days I will work. We have been in a budgeting groove for several years now, and it's driving me crazy to not know EXACTLY what the numbers look like. I KNOW we will be perfectly fine, as we have worked hard to be financially stable, but the unknown details are driving me crazy!

In January, I will also be taking a year and a half long class on Spiritual Exercises through our church. Having seen my husband and friends go through this class, I know that I am in for a deep, long walk where I'll get to know both God and myself a whole lot better and deeper. My hope while on this journey is to find what God wants from me and what my next steps will be.

Change is coming. It's inevitable. And, for me (as well as many other people), change is uncomfortable. There's the excitement, but it's mixed with trepidation and out right fear sometimes. My January has more unknowns than knowns, and I can only trust in HIM to take each step. He knows what's next. He knows how He will use me. He knows how everything will work out. As I find myself feeling lost, as long as I stay focused on Him, I will find my way.

But, for now, I am going to focus on December and all of the excitement that comes with the Christmas season. I will sing the songs, bake the goodies, and celebrate with my family. For, the same God that knew how to save the whole world can certainly guide my steps in my little world.

Merry Christmas to you all! May you feel God's presence and love this season!!

I See You

It's September! Fall is supposed to be coming soon! Many people look forward to the Pumpkin Spice flavored everything, but that isn't at all what I love about Fall. I love the crisp air, the crunchy leaves, and wearing sweaters and boots. It's pretty much the only time of year that I feel "cute" in my clothing!

It's been busy here at the Schussler household as we have adjusted to the new school year, added business stuff and work stuff. The boys are settled into their new routine, as well as Kevin adjusting to his new students. And, well, here I am, just trying to figure out how I want my days to look. I've been more emotional and a little lost, but I'm definitely getting there!

I'd like to say my emotional self is from missing the boys or being sad about them growing up. But, it's not. I am THRILLED that they are growing into such wonderful people!!! Being emotional over children growing up seems to be an "okay" and acceptable reason... But, no, my emotional self is being driven by feelings of being unseen, unnoticed, misunderstood. And, well, it's nonsense... I know in my head it's not true. But my feelings seem to not care much for what my head says!

I was watching a show with the boys the other day, and one of the hosts of the show yells out to one of the contestants, "I see you! I see you working hard! Keep trying! I see you!" Suddenly, I am sitting with tears streaming down my face, wishing someone was yelling that at me. I found myself longing for those around me to be like that host... "Kristen, I see you! I see how hard you're trying! I see you!"

Here's the thing, even IF no one in the entire world saw me (which isn't true), God does. And sometimes, that has to be enough. Because the God that is busy caring for the ENTIRE world also sees ME. He sees me and knows my struggles. He sees how hard I try to not be knocked down by challenges. He sees me fighting everyday to make it a GOOD day, no matter what gets thrown my way. He sees my tears, my laughter, my pain, my joy, ALL OF IT. No matter how alone I feel, how unseen I feel, HE IS THERE.

It's so easy for us as humans to get wrapped up in life and to feel unnoticed. It's even easier for us moms to feel unseen, and well, unappreciated. But I am learning that we are seen and definitely appreciated. Not just by God, but by those around us. God has placed amazing people in our lives who absolutely see us. Not just the outer us, but the inner us. The us that we don't easily show. Take a moment and remember that even if they aren't saying "I see you", they DO see you. And in case you haven't heard it recently (because we all need to hear it), I SEE YOU.

For those moms who haven't slept in months and can't remember what day it is: I see you. For the dads who are desperately trying to support their emotional wives: I see you. For the single parents juggling more than they should have to: I see you. For the teachers who work so hard to make their classrooms a safe place for children: I see you. For those who are suffering loss and pain: I see you. For those who are working towards goals, but might not be reaching them as fast as you'd like: I see you. For people who are just trying to find their place on this crazy earth: I see you.

I see YOU. I see how God is using you, working in you, growing you. I see how much you mean to those around you and how you play an integral part in your home and community.

Not only do we need to hear it, but we are called to say it... Make sure you are telling those around you that you see them, appreciate them, value them. We are called to encourage and raise people up. And "I see you" is a wonderful way to start.

Finding my dream...

It's almost here! School is almost here!! The boys will return to the structured life they love, with their friends and their learning! Life will return to some semblance of normalcy, and I will find myself enjoying quiet time again! To say that we are excited is an understatement!

We really are looking forward to what this year will bring. Patrick is striving for straight As this year. Tyler plans to be more involved at school (and to not blow away at recess). Zachary is working towards a perfect score on the PSSAs and to be on the Academic Bowl team like his big brothers. Ben cannot wait to be back in class with his friend Michael and to master power chords on guitar. And I am looking forward to a little less chaos everyday.

But, there's a part of me that is rather nervous about this new school year. Not because of the boys, as I know they will do amazing! I'm nervous because I have decided to be intentional about discovering more about myself. In January, I will be participating in a year and a half long class at church that will help me learn to be more connected to God and to be more connected to the person God has created me to be. It's pretty cool stuff, but having watched Kevin go through the class, I know I am in for some hard conversations with God and with myself.

There will also be a lot more intentionality in seeking out what I want for myself, what goals I want to set, what dreams I want to pursue (and what my dreams actually are)... When I was little, all I wanted to be was a wife and a mom. I never really thought about anything else. I went to college because I was told it was a good choice, but really, all I wanted was to be married and to have children. I am "living the dream" as Kevin reminds me often. But I know there's more in store for me now that the boys are older and a whole lot more independent and self-sufficient.

Here I am "living the dream" with my wonderful boys and loving husband!

My husband and I were talking the other day about how neat it is that friends of ours are pursuing their dreams. We were talking about how some of our friends are pursuing college, some pursuing career changes, some starting/continuing their dream businesses.  We talked about how awesome it is that my husband is working his dream job as a teacher. The conversation then turned to what my dreams are. What would be my dream job? What do I want to pursue? And, honestly, I had no answer... I don't know what my dream job would be. I don't really know what I want to do. I have spent so much of my time focused on helping Kevin find and pursue his dreams, and helping the boys to grow and mature and flourish, that somehow I have neglected to really think about what I REALLY want to do.

I kind of feel like the character Maggie from Runaway Bride, who can't even tell you her favorite way to prepare eggs... The boys ask me what my favorites are: favorite movie, favorite song, favorite food. And the more they ask, the more I realize I don't really know. I know my favorite ice cream, which if we're being totally honest, is crucial to life. But I am realizing how much I don't know about myself.

With the copious amount of quiet time I will be enjoying this school year, I want to discover myself. I want to find out what my favorite things are. I want to spend time dreaming. I want to be able to confidently say I am pursuing what I am called to do. And along the way, I hope to inspire other moms to do the same.

Mommyness is hard. It's easy to get wrapped up in the lives of our children. As a wife, it's so easy to be your husband's cheerleader and so difficult to find the energy to cheer for ourselves. We need to stay connected to the person inside us NOT called Mom (because we truly do have a real name other than Mom). We need to find ways to dream, even in the midst of the sleepless nights and LONG days. OUR dreams are just as important. OUR time to grow and flourish isn't AFTER our children have grown, but WHILE they are growing. The more we grow as individuals, the so much better we will be as Mom and wife and all of the other titles we wear. 

It is definitely going to be a wonderful and crazy year, and I cannot wait to see what God has in store for us!

When Fear is at the Forefront

If you can believe, the summer is slowly ending which means a brand new school year is upon us! In the Schussler household, that's a BIG deal! My five guys all get excited about returning to school. Don't get me wrong, they also LOVE summer! Between birthdays, day trips, camping, and our annual trip to Ocean City, NJ, our summer has been packed with fun times. But, there's something so familiar and comfortable with the school year. Our routine is more structured, the boys see their friends way more, and their insatiable hunger for learning can actually be fed!! (Not to mention, this Mama gets a little quiet time every so often!)

Sunset in Ocean City, NJ

This year brings us a 7th grader, 5th grader, 4th grader, and 2nd grader, which is just unbelievable! This Thursday, our baby will be turning 8 and just last week our oldest turned 12!!!! I don't remember ever agreeing to all of this growing up stuff!

I wish I could tell you that I am truly excited about this year... I wish I could tell you that because we have been sending these crazy monkeys off to school for what seems like FOREVER that it's easier this year. But this year seems harder. Everything has seemed harder. You see, our second oldest son Tyler has been struggling for the last 6 months or so with extreme, debilitating fear. He has always been our nervous one, ever cautious when trying new things or experiencing new sounds. He has never liked dogs barking or alarms going off, and will be the first one to plug his ears over almost every noise. We have always understood it to just be part of his Autism Spectrum package... 

But, things have gone way past his normal nervousness. This summer, we watched him burrow under towels on the beach sobbing because it was windy. He has curled up in a ball under a picnic table refusing to eat because of the wind. He almost refused to go on the Guys' annual camping trip because he was so afraid that it would be windy. We have seen him cower in a corner because of our ferrets. He freezes when around dogs (even dogs he knows well). He absolutely refuses to go outside if he sees any flying bugs. 

We have no idea where this has come from, especially his extreme fear of the wind. Up until this summer, he loved the beach. He loved playing in the water, but more so playing in the sand. Of all the days we were on the beach, he only played in the sand one time, and that was after A LOT of coaxing.  

We have a plan of attack for this. We are reaching out to get help through a counselor, and will certainly do whatever we need to help him. But, it leaves me feeling helpless. Because in 3 weeks, he will be returning to school, where some days, the wind will blow at recess. And 5th grade teachers aren't going to be very understanding of the 10 year old boy clinging to them while his peers are playing (or possibly making fun of him). Bees and flies will surely fly past him the first few weeks of school. And there isn't much I can do to help him work through it. And that's hard as a mama. Feeling helpless is such a horrible feeling!

Watching Tyler regress and watching him struggle so deeply with his fears has me thinking a lot about my own fears. How many times have I allowed my fear to command my every move? How many times have I missed out of things I would have liked because of fear?

I have worked through a lot of my fears and have overcome a good many of them. But, there are a few underlying fears that still have a hold on me... My fear of failure certainly holds me back from really succeeding. BUT, my fear of succeeding controls me even more. My fears keep me from really embracing who I am, who I want to be, and really, who God has created me to be. 

As Tyler works on learning how to overcome his fears, I, too, will be working on overcoming mine. Because, we both have too much life to live to let fear get the best of us.

I Wouldn't Want It Any Different

And here we are again: tomorrow is March 27th. Every year is different. Last year I wrote about how no matter how hard today is, tomorrow always comes. It's now been 11 years and yes, many tomorrows have come. The deep heartache and sorrow have slowly been replaced with a quiet sadness and anticipation for the day that I will get to meet my daughter. I remember her and the journey every day, but March 27th still hits me hard. The memories are more vivid, the feelings more raw. But this year, something is different...

We were sitting around the dinner table one night last week, and somehow we started talking about Sammy. With the boys being older now, they have more questions than we have answers. "Why did God take her home?" "Did you get to see her and hold her?" "What was wrong with her?" But one question really got me thinking... "Would Tyler be here if Sammy had lived?" That then led to, "Would Zachary and Benjamin be here, too?"

I never thought about it. I never once thought about how different life would be IF Sammy had lived. My answer was not confident... "I don't think Tyler would be here. I would have still been pregnant with Sammy during the time I got pregnant with Tyler. And, I don't know if we would have had Zach and Ben." Tyler's response was something along the lines of "I'm sad for Sammy but I am very happy for me!"  And I realized I felt the same way.

After that conversation with the boys, I started really thinking about how different things would have been. And I found myself being grateful that things worked out the way they did. I LOVE my life. I LOVE my boys. I cannot fathom life any differently. Who would I be without the journey I've been on? Who would I be without the life lessons from Tyler? I have learned more about God and His love for me through Tyler than anyone else.

Are there days I wish I could have known Sammy? ABSOLUTELY! Are there days when I wonder what it would be like to have a daughter? SURE! But, everyday, I am so grateful for the four boys who make my life full and crazy and wonderful!

I miss Sammy deeply. But this year, rather than focusing on what I lost, I want to focus on what I gained. Focusing on the loss doesn't bring her back. It doesn't change what is. But, focusing on what I have and what I will have brings joy and delight into my life. And, I am pretty sure that's how Sammy would want it.

11 years is a long time to miss your child. It's a long time to crave just one glimpse of who she is, what she looks like. But 11 years is also a wonderful time of memories with those who are here. 11 years of silliness and giggles, stories and adventures, cuddles and kisses. I wake up every morning to Tyler's long winded explanations of things I do not understand, knowing that I would miss that if it weren't a part of my life. I listen to the constant chatter between Ben and Zach, reminding myself that this is how it should be.

11 years ago, God knew better than I did... He knew the life He wanted for me and for my family. Despite the pain and grief and deep sorrow that came with the loss of Sammy, I am forever grateful for the life He has given us. God knew better then, and He still knows better now. Even when I don't understand!

Submit, Love, Honor, Respect Revisited

I wrote the following post three years ago, just as we were about to celebrate our 10th anniversary. We, as a married couple, had faced a good bit in 10 years. We had four babies in four years, the loss of a baby, a massive home renovation, job changes, major surgeries for me. And yet it was, and still is, the little things that cause us to struggle the most. It’s the daily “annoyances” that cause me to lose my cool. It’s the little habits that make me want to scream. It’s the day to day grind that leaves me not “feeling” like loving, submitting, honoring and respecting. But, it doesn’t matter if I feel like it... it is what I was called to do when I married Kevin, and it is still what God calls me to do every day.

When I said "I do" I had no idea how amazing AND how hard things would be. Some of the hardest things for me throughout these 10 years fall under these four words: Submit... Honor... Love... Respect... 

Yep, all four words should be not only in our vocabulary, but in our hearts and in our actions, especially if we are wives. But, they aren't exactly the easiest things to do. Sure, to show love can be easy, particularly when we FEEL love. It becomes more challenging when that wonderful, mushy feeling isn't there anymore.

Respect can be relatively easy, too. Most of us are taught to be respectful at an early age, and so we have that skill set engrained in us. In the real world, we have learned to respect people, even if we may not agree with them. Respecting our husbands when we don't agree with them is a tad bit harder.

Honor and submission, I think, are the two hardest things to do as a wife. Honoring my husband doesn't just mean during times when I like him. Or when I agree with him. Or when I think he's the most amazing man in the world. Nope, honoring him must still be done when I don't like him. And when I don't agree with him. And, even when he's being a dingdong. We are called to honor our husbands by God. Honoring our husbands honors God. Honor is a VERB, it calls us to action. It requires intentionality.

Then there's the whole submitting thing. I have heard SO many women try to argue that in this day and age we shouldn't be submitting to our husbands. That it's antiquated and some even believe it's some form of us being slaves to our husbands. But here's the thing, God isn't calling us to be slaves to our husbands... He's calling us to do so much more! In Ephesians 5:22-24 (MSG), it says 

"Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ. The husband provides leadership to his wife the way Christ does to his church, not by domineering but by cherishing. So just as the church submits to Christ as he exercises such leadership, wives should likewise submit to their husbands."  (HUSBANDS you should note that there's work for you too! Continue reading the next couple verses!)

I LOVE this! It clearly states that we are to understand and support our husbands... He is our leader, the head of the household. We need to support him (even when we don't always agree). We need to understand him, and if we don't we need to continue to try to understand him. Submitting isn't about saying, "Yes, Master!" "Whatever you say, Master!" "What is your bidding, Master?" (We are not slaves or droids.) Submitting is about abiding to him and his needs, thoughts, desires... 

Loving, respecting, honoring and submitting to our husbands isn't about feelings. Sure, when we FEEL great and wonderful things for our husbands, it's a lot easier to be and do those things. But, we are not to be fair-weather wives. We still need to love and respect, honor and submit, even when we don't WANT to. (Insert stomping of feet!) 

This is where it becomes HARD. This is where our intentions and our attitudes greatly affect our actions. My attitude tends to get in the way of a lot of things, and this area of being a wife is NO exception. When I think I am right, I AM right. What I think is best to do, IS best. But here's the thing, sometimes what I think is right, what I think is best, does NOT feel right to my husband. Sometimes, I have to put my stubbornness aside and say, "I can't move on this unless Kevin is also on board. And since he's not, then I have to support his feelings." (NOT EASY TO DO, by the way!) 

But it's not just about "giving in" or surrendering. It's about changing your heart from "fine, have it your way" (with a snotty tone included) to "I love you, and I don't want to force you into something you're not comfortable with." I can tell you from recent experience that the "fine, have it your way" is FAR from being respectful and honoring. It cuts deep in your husband's heart, and everyone around you can see your stinky attitude.

I know I won't always agree with my husband. After almost 10 years of marriage, I have learned that we do NOT see eye to eye on a good bit of things. He is not always the most attentive, caring, and giving man (but, hey, I am far from perfect, too). He is not always right. But how I treat him is not dependent on any of that. It's dependent on the fact that almost 10 years ago, I vowed to love him and honor him in all the great stuff AND in all the not so great stuff. It's not dependent on how I FEEL about him at that moment. It's dependent on the fact that I am called by God to love him, to respect him, to honor him, and to submit to him.

Let your LOVE, your RESPECT, your HONOR, and your SUBMISSION be VERBS, not just nouns. Let your heart and mind shift from what he is or isn't doing for you to what you can be doing for him. Keep your heart focused on what God is calling YOU to do, and let God and your husband work on your husband's stuff.

What We Don't Need As Parents...

It's March... I can't believe it's March! I have noticed how time seems to be flying faster than it used to. As I have gotten older, time slips through my fingers so much faster...

I've been thinking a lot about parenting and how hard it can be. As I am typing, I am sitting next to our youngest, Ben, who is recovering from being sick. Watching him tire so quickly makes my heart sad. The boy that has energy to spare barely could muster up the energy to play his favorite video game. It's looking like a short lived bug, but this Mama wishes I could make it disappear. I know there are many parents who feel the same way right now...

There is nothing more a parent hates than to see their child suffer, whether it be physically or emotionally! But, I have found something else that I very much DISLIKE as a parent and that's the judgement and opinions that seem to so easily flow out of people's mouths. SO many people feel they have the right to share their opinions on how we as parents parent. SO many people feel they have the right to judge the way we parent, giving unapproving glances and whispering their thoughts to those around them. But, they don't... We don't.

Parenting is HARD. SUPER HARD. We question EVERYTHING we do. Are we promoting independence at the right age? Are we being stern enough when needed? Are we showing enough grace? Are our children eating the right food? Are we shaping our children to become contributing members of society or are we raising boomerang children who will manage to make their way back into our house when they are grown?

So many questions, so many doubts... AND other people's judgments and opinions do not help us. Don't get me wrong, my husband and I have a few close people that we bounce ideas off of and sort through some of the hardest times of parenting. We value those opinions from those closest to us greatly. What we struggle with are the opinions from those we have not been invited into our struggles. We do not wish to hear from the lady at Walmart who believes that time-outs are inappropriate to give in the store. We do not need the unsolicited advice on what WE should do to fix the craziness of having four boys. And, I KNOW that you all feel the same way!!

So, why do we do it to others? Why do I find myself judging the mom with the screaming child in the aisle of the grocery store? How many times have you done the same? Or maybe expressed your thoughts to another parent when you weren't asked?

We are not called to judge other parents. We are not called to criticize other parents. We are called to raise each other up. We are called to find ways to BUILD EACH OTHER UP.

What if we encouraged the mom with the screaming child by reminding her "this too shall pass"? What if we could wrap the struggling parent with words of kindness and encouragement? What if we asked parents we know HOW we could pray for them?

I can tell you what would happen: we'd have a lot more confident, supported parents. We'd have parents who weren't so afraid to "do the wrong thing". We'd have parents who would learn that they aren't alone. They would have freedom to share the hard times and know they won't be judged (because we struggle with the same things).

How will you help RAISE A PARENT UP? How can you help create an environment for tired, struggling parents that leave them feeling loved and accepted?

Overcome by Doubt...

It's been quite a while since I last wrote on here... I'd love to say it's just because I've been super busy and haven't had a moment to sit and write. BUT, that wouldn't be true. At all. I've had the time, but to be completely honest with you, I have been afraid to write. I've been afraid to post. I have always been honest on here, and I was not in a place where I was ready to be completely honest about the things I've been thinking about and processing. God's been calling me to write for quite a while, and after much disputing with Him about it, I have come to the realization that He's right... It's time to write. It's time to process. It's time to be real.

Before anyone panics, WE ARE ALL FINE AND HEALTHY! The boys are amazing and doing a fantastic job in school. Kevin is still loving his job teaching and has been amazing being him. Those beautiful faces in the picture above are still proving to me how much God loves me EVERY SINGLE DAY.

It's not about them... it's about me. It's about the doubts and fears that have seemed to swarm me lately. My doubts as a mom, as a wife, as a friend, as a human in general. I have battled with questions of worth and value and the purpose God has for me. I have felt like a nobody, believing that I can easily be replaced in my job and in friendships. Every single thing I would do left me wondering if it was the right thing to do. Was it best for my family, for my job? Would someone else make a better decision? I have spent many hours pleading with God to show me His plan for me, to show me WHY I am where I am doing what I am doing... But, I couldn't hear him. I couldn't see what He was showing me.

You see, I have always had doubts. I think all humans have doubts. We see other people who we think are better, thinner, smarter, etc. and we believe that they have more to offer the world than we do. But, my doubts go further than just the whole "the grass is greener on the other side" mentality. My doubts make me question myself as a mom. It goes as far as thinking that the boys deserve a better mom. A smarter mom. A different mom. A mom I could never be.

I doubt myself as a daughter and as a sister. Am I attentive enough to my parents? Am I caring enough to my sister? In her time of grief, have I been supportive enough?

The doubt creeps into my friendships. Am I too clingy? Do I show enough concern? Am I fun enough? Would they miss me if we didn't see other for a long time?

The worst doubts for me lately have been surrounding my work at church. I run a Special Needs Ministry, where I spend hours every week focusing on ensuring that individuals and families affected by Special Needs feel God's love and are reminded that they all were made on purpose with a purpose. I work with an amazing team of people who love our ministry with all of their heart. I doubt if I should be leading the team. I doubt if I am good enough for the ministry, for the families, for the church. And yet, in all of the doubt, I KNOW God has called me to be where I am. Which then leaves me feeling like I am failing, because I don't feel like I am living up to what God (or the church) really wants of me.

I have to admit, it's embarrassing to share all of this. It's hard to think about the fact that many of you will be reading this and might be thinking, "Pull yourself together, lady!" Others might think less of me because I am not the confident person many think I am.

And, it's okay. Because, despite the doubts and fears and questions, I have continued to get up every morning. I have continued to fight hard to hear the truth. I have struggled to clear away the doubts and focus on what God says to all of this. I am slowly learning to embrace the fact that God truly wants me right where I am, doing what I am doing. And, I am learning to take the flaws (the MANY flaws) that I see in myself and let them go. I have truly worked on the flaws that needed to be fixed, and now I just need to embrace ME for ME.

I wish I could snap my fingers and make my doubts go away. I wish after ALL THESE YEARS that I didn't struggle so much with this. But, I do and it can't be fixed with the snap of my fingers or the click of my heels. All I can do is continue to fight the doubts and hold on to the truth. And remind myself daily that I, too, was created on purpose with a purpose.