Here we are at the end of October and it's the first time I've really had any time to myself since the school year started! It has been a whirlwind of activity here in the Schussler household and there is more to come!
I had a dream last night that has prompted this post... In my dream I was at work and my boss came in to tell me I wasn't doing my job well enough. He scolded me for not putting everything I had into the kids. He stormed out, only for a co-worker to come in and tell me I had dropped the ball on some important activity. She left and another co-worker came in to do the same. Soon, the people turned from being co-workers to friends. Close friends were telling me how I missed their birthday or didn't attend their child's special event. The line of people just kept coming. They turned into family members telling me how selfish I was because I wasn't spending time with them. And then it was my boys and husband standing there as a group telling me I was failing them because I kept forgetting things and spent too much time at school. I awoke in a panic, unsure of what was real and what was just the dream.
I sometimes have dreams where when I'm stressed in real life they mirror what I'm stressed about. I've had dreams about messing up Baby Dedications from way back when I was Nursery Director. I've had dreams where I have lost a child while at school. But this dream takes the cake on intensity!
For the past few months, my life has been extra busy and extra stressful. I have been teaching full time in 4th grade as a long term sub, which I have never done before. I'm not sure how I even came to be in that position, but here I am, teaching alongside 3 amazing, seasoned teachers. Work comes home with me, whether it's papers to grade or thoughts of troubled students I don't know how to help. It's been emotionally and physically exhausting to say the least. Everyday I am having to learn something new, while I am still trying to figure out the stuff I just learned the day before. Acronyms are always flying, and I am left trying to figure out if it pertains to me or not. SAP's, SLP's, DEI's, MTSS meetings... It's a new language that I am just starting to understand.
It's been a hard school year for all teachers... they're all exhausted. Students don't want to learn. They don't want to work at anything. Standards keep changing. Expectations keep changing. Parents blame the teachers for their child's failures. It's a mess... And I often feel that while my co-workers are having to deal with all of that they're also having to "take care of" the inexperienced substitute who is constantly asking questions and needing things from them.
In addition to school, there's home. The boys are super busy with activities and Kevin and I find ourselves feeling like primarily taxi drivers. Keeping tabs on where everyone needs to be at what time and with whom is way more exhausting than I ever expected! We are often double or triple booked... (Thanks, Grammy and Gramps for helping with the driving!) Paperwork constantly needs to be filled out, checks need to be written, all so that our humans can be a part of the things they love. There's also a layer of hardship happening in our house that I can't really get into on here at this time. But know that it's heartbreaking and exhausting and is something that comes from the devil himself... It's a parent's worst nightmare wrapped in extra pain and hurt. And while all of this is happening, we still have the normal day to day managing of the house to deal with.
Our house is dirty and cluttered. Our laundry is way behind. My mood is often at the "make one more annoying sound and you won't live to see tomorrow" level. I forget things more than I ever have before. I call people the wrong names. English becomes hard to speak by about 2:00 in the afternoon rather than the normal 8:00 pm. I cancel appointments and events I was supposed to go to (if I even agreed to go in the first place). I dread pretty much any activity that doesn't involve my bed. I constantly feel like I am being hit with another wave, knocking me down and making it harder to get back up. I have nothing left to give to anyone... And it sucks. There I said it... The way things are right now SUCKS! I don't like it, but it's just how it is right now.
The guilt I carry for not being all that I used to be for people is apparently bigger than I realized, hence the dream last night. I'm sorry to my friends who don't hear from me because even sending a text feels like a HUGE task right now. I'm sorry to our family who doesn't see or hear from us ever because we don't have a moment in our lives to breathe right now. I'm sorry to our church that we can't serve and give of our energy like we used to because we have no more energy to give. I'm sorry to my guys that it seems I give more of myself to the 4th graders than I give to you. And I'm sorry to the 4th graders that I can't bring a level of experience and expertise that you truly need.
This is a season that at some point will pass. This is NOT my forever. I am at a place where I know this is temporary. Unfortunately, in this temporary time, people are not going to get what they want or need from me. I am trying to learn to be okay with that. God gives me enough strength to take care of the immediate needs in front of me. And although all of the other people and things are important to me, I can only give so much. So, while this season is happening, please know I still love you and care for you. Know that I am not intentionally ignoring you and being mean to you. I truly am doing the best that I can. And know that my best isn't going to be enough for everyone. And as much as I dislike that, I have to accept it... This too shall pass (I hope)!
