A Tough Season...

Here we are at the end of October and it's the first time I've really had any time to myself since the school year started! It has been a whirlwind of activity here in the Schussler household and there is more to come!

I had a dream last night that has prompted this post... In my dream I was at work and my boss came in to tell me I wasn't doing my job well enough. He scolded me for not putting everything I had into the kids. He stormed out, only for a co-worker to come in and tell me I had dropped the ball on some important activity. She left and another co-worker came in to do the same. Soon, the people turned from being co-workers to friends. Close friends were telling me how I missed their birthday or didn't attend their child's special event. The line of people just kept coming. They turned into family members telling me how selfish I was because I wasn't spending time with them. And then it was my boys and husband standing there as a group telling me I was failing them because I kept forgetting things and spent too much time at school. I awoke in a panic, unsure of what was real and what was just the dream.

I sometimes have dreams where when I'm stressed in real life they mirror what I'm stressed about. I've had dreams about messing up Baby Dedications from way back when I was Nursery Director. I've had dreams where I have lost a child while at school. But this dream takes the cake on intensity! 

For the past few months, my life has been extra busy and extra stressful. I have been teaching full time in 4th grade as a long term sub, which I have never done before. I'm not sure how I even came to be in that position, but here I am, teaching alongside 3 amazing, seasoned teachers. Work comes home with me, whether it's papers to grade or thoughts of troubled students I don't know how to help. It's been emotionally and physically exhausting to say the least. Everyday I am having to learn something new, while I am still trying to figure out the stuff I just learned the day before. Acronyms are always flying, and I am left trying to figure out if it pertains to me or not. SAP's, SLP's, DEI's, MTSS meetings... It's a new language that I am just starting to understand.

It's been a hard school year for all teachers... they're all exhausted. Students don't want to learn. They don't want to work at anything. Standards keep changing. Expectations keep changing. Parents blame the teachers for their child's failures. It's a mess... And I often feel that while my co-workers are having to deal with all of that they're also having to "take care of" the inexperienced substitute who is constantly asking questions and needing things from them.

In addition to school, there's home. The boys are super busy with activities and Kevin and I find ourselves feeling like primarily taxi drivers. Keeping tabs on where everyone needs to be at what time and with whom is way more exhausting than I ever expected! We are often double or triple booked... (Thanks, Grammy and Gramps for helping with the driving!) Paperwork constantly needs to be filled out, checks need to be written, all so that our humans can be a part of the things they love. There's also a layer of hardship happening in our house that I can't really get into on here at this time. But know that it's heartbreaking and exhausting and is something that comes from the devil himself... It's a parent's worst nightmare wrapped in extra pain and hurt. And while all of this is happening, we still have the normal day to day managing of the house to deal with.

Our house is dirty and cluttered. Our laundry is way behind. My mood is often at the "make one more annoying sound and you won't live to see tomorrow" level. I forget things more than I ever have before. I call people the wrong names. English becomes hard to speak by about 2:00 in the afternoon rather than the normal 8:00 pm. I cancel appointments and events I was supposed to go to (if I even agreed to go in the first place). I dread pretty much any activity that doesn't involve my bed. I constantly feel like I am being hit with another wave, knocking me down and making it harder to get back up. I have nothing left to give to anyone... And it sucks. There I said it... The way things are right now SUCKS! I don't like it, but it's just how it is right now. 

The guilt I carry for not being all that I used to be for people is apparently bigger than I realized, hence the dream last night. I'm sorry to my friends who don't hear from me because even sending a text feels like a HUGE task right now. I'm sorry to our family who doesn't see or hear from us ever because we don't have a moment in our lives to breathe right now. I'm sorry to our church that we can't serve and give of our energy like we used to because we have no more energy to give. I'm sorry to my guys that it seems I give more of myself to the 4th graders than I give to you. And I'm sorry to the 4th graders that I can't bring a level of experience and expertise that you truly need.

This is a season that at some point will pass. This is NOT my forever. I am at a place where I know this is temporary. Unfortunately, in this temporary time, people are not going to get what they want or need from me. I am trying to learn to be okay with that. God gives me enough strength to take care of the immediate needs in front of me. And although all of the other people and things are important to me, I can only give so much. So, while this season is happening, please know I still love you and care for you. Know that I am not intentionally ignoring you and being mean to you. I truly am doing the best that I can. And know that my best isn't going to be enough for everyone. And as much as I dislike that, I have to accept it... This too shall pass (I hope)!

A Fear-driven Life

 I can't believe it's been a year since I last posted on here! Time has flown by and I am left wondering what else has zipped by me when I was busy doing other stuff!

Life is good here in the "land of giants" as I so lovingly call my home. The boys are enjoying their summer break, and are eating everything in sight! They are growing like weeds and it's hard to imagine what another couple years will look like since they're already so tall now. We officially have a Junior, a Freshman, an 8th grader and a 6th grader!! Kevin's doing amazing things at work and is loving living his dream. We foresee many new responsibilities coming his way over the next year or so!

And then there's me... Not much has changed in a year for me. I'm still Mama, the finder of all lost things and holder of the calendar. I have chosen to stay another year as the building sub for our elementary school. (Okay, it's not "our" elementary school anymore since Ben just moved up to middle school. But it will always be ours.) I'm enjoying the calmness of no school and spending time with the boys. It's all comfortable. Very comfortable. Very predictable. And I wonder if that's really what it should be like...

I don't know about you all, but I tend to live a very fear-driven life. But my fear doesn't seem to be the "normal" type fears. For instance, I don't typically worry too much about things like getting into accidents or getting sick. I'm aware that those things can happen, so I try to not be stupid with my behaviors, but I don't let those types of things affect what I do. I don't tend to be too frightened for my kids over new things, like my soon to be 16 year old learning to drive. I DO have an irrational fear of bees that especially in the past has gotten in the way. But, I have learned to not let it affect me as much. I've gotten close enough to them to get some amazing photographs without completely losing my mind! 

My fear is deeply routed inside of me. It keeps me from fully being who I can be. It keeps me from pursuing things that aren't in my comfort zone. My fear is of not only failure, but of success. And I don't know how to move past it. I'd like to say that I have chosen to continue subbing for another year because it's what I WANT to do. Because it's what I'm MEANT to do. Rather, I am continuing to sub because it's comfortable for me. I don't have to go and search for something different to do. I don't have to put myself out there to try to find a new job. By staying, I don't have to take the time to dig deep and really discover what God wants for me. (PLEASE HEAR ME when I say I do LOVE my job as a sub. I am very blessed to work with amazing people. I just never gave God the opportunity to show me anything different.)

I hold back from a lot of things because I am afraid that I could possibly be really good at it. It might sound weird, but I am often uncomfortable when people compliment me or when things I have done are recognized positively. I KNOW that what God has for me will be wonderful and most likely I'll be successful at it. There's a big part of me that doesn't want that. I don't know why. It'll be something I'll have to dive into...

Currently, my fear is holding me back from something I have always wanted to do and that is to write a book. I have found every reason under the sun to NOT write this book. Questions like, "Who am I to write a book? Who's going to read it anyway?" And often times the bigger questions are like, "What happens if it's successful? What happens if other parents start following my ideas/advice?" The fear, the uncomfortableness makes me stop in my tracks, and I find all the other things to distract me from sitting down and writing. 

Why am I sharing this? Because I feel that we all have certain things that we are afraid of. And those fears we have are maybe a little less "scary" when we say them out loud. I know I am not living the way God wants me to because He does not call us to live in fear. I know that the longer I allow my fears to keep me from doing the things I believe He wants me to do, the further away I get from Him. But it's a struggle for me. I would assume it can be a struggle for some of you who read my posts. 

Fear stinks! God and I have a lot of work to do (okay, I have a lot of work to do while God waits patiently for me to catch up on His plans)! This is me taking one step closer to not allowing fear to drive what I do or don't do... If I can get up close and personal with bees, maybe I can be less fearful of other things!

Unsettled but hopeful...

Welp, Summer is upon us... The boys are home and I am off work until September. SO MUCH TIME TOGETHER! Some moments that's a lovely thing. Sometimes not so much. The noise, the smells, the messes are all feeling way bigger than they really are. The tween/teenage attitudes are flying and eyes are rolling. But, we're having a great time! We've already been on a couple of day trips, and have several more planned over the coming weeks. And let's not forget the annual beach trip!! I am so ready to put my toes in the ocean!!!

Having time off has been really good for me. I was starting to feel overwhelmed before the school year was over and this time has allowed me to catch my breath. As most people can relate to, it was a hard school year for all of my guys. Kevin had a tough class. The boys had a hard time adjusting to the many changes that were thrown their way. I worked a lot more days than in years past. Everything felt unsettled, as we were always waiting for more changes, more restrictions, more surprises.

Things are definitely leveling out as the pandemic restrictions are slowly lifting. People are a little less fearful, a little less anxious. The boys seem to be returning to their "normal" selves (although we all agree none of them are normal). We have new routines and spirits are definitely high!

Although everything is becoming more settled and less chaotic, I find myself still feeling unsettled. Over the past several months, I've been thinking a lot about my place and what God is wanting to do with me. The boys are getting older and are needing my constant care less and less. They are much more independent and even Ben, our baby, is not needing me in the same way anymore. 

As my role as mom takes on a new form, I'm left wondering what's next? After this coming school year, I'm going to be free to work pretty much wherever I please, as Ben will be old enough to get himself ready and on the bus all by himself. I feel like I should be excited about the next step, but I'm not... I'm just left feeling unsettled. I don't know what I want to do. I don't know what I'm qualified to do. I have spent my entire life dreaming about being a mom and never about a career. Almost every job I have had has been "dropped" in my lap by God and has fit perfectly into our crazy, hectic life. All of my work decisions have been heavily dependent on whether it would fit the life of a mom of 4 young boys.

I feel this strong desire/urge to take on more. It's hard to explain, but there's a deep sense or longing to do more with my life. To have a bigger impact on those around me. The problem is that I have no sense of what that it is. Kevin and I have some significant financial goals we'd like to meet, and a real, full time job would definitely help us reach our goals. But, the desire is more than just based on financial goals. I feel as if I am not fulfilling my full potential... Like I'm not using everything God has given me to my fullest ability.

It's a weird place for me to be in and I am definitely NOT a fan of it. I want a clear plan. I want to know what's next. I want to know the next steps so I can plan accordingly. But, it's just not clear. The desire is there, but the "what's next" is not. SO, I wait. And I pray. And I sit in the unsettledness until God shows me the next step.

I truly believe that God has something in store for me. Something that will bring me joy and Him delight. I pray it's something that impacts others in a positive way. I pray it's something that will help reach other goals. And I pray that I can be open to whatever it is He has planned and to move forward even if I'm nervous.

In the meantime, I am going to enjoy my guys, my summer off and the school family I have found through subbing. I am going to be content with how things are, even if it means our family and financial goals will be achieved slowly. There are so many amazing things happening in the here and now to appreciate, all while being aware and open to what's coming next. It's that weird "unsettled but hopeful" place of being... 

Unexpected Lessons Learned When I Say YES

A couple months ago I had been asked to speak at the Ladies' Retreat at our church. I wasn't expecting to be asked, and was certainly surprised that they wanted ME to speak. I could have listed a dozen women who would have made better speakers than me. BUT, I have learned over the years that God has different thoughts and plans, so I begrudgingly said yes. What I didn't know then was the impact that saying yes would have on me.

I spent the past couple months in preparation for the "big event", which was this past Friday and Saturday. Lots of prayer and planning went into my presentation on Joy in Jesus. LOTS of deleting and second guessing the material. LOTS of moments where I wanted to back out... Not because I was afraid of public speaking, but because I was afraid they chose the wrong person. I was afraid that I had nothing to offer the 70 some women and young ladies that were planning on attending. Whenever I started feeling that slight sense of fear, I'd remember that God can use anything to reach His children. I kept going back to Him in prayer, saying, "I don't know what you have planned. I don't know what you're doing. But, use me in whatever way you see fit." 

As the final week of preparation arrived, excitement and nerves came in waves. My slides were ready. My heart was ready. My head, not so much! The lies Satan told me during the days leading up to the event were strong. I held to the truths I know from God, but man did I question what I was thinking when I said yes. 

Friday night came, and the first speaker took the stage. She's a wonderful lady who has spent decades as a missionary in Latin America. She spoke so eloquently from the Bible. She knew the Bible inside and out. And as I watched and listened, I began to hear Satan tell me ALL the ways I wasn't like her. How I would never know the Bible like her. How I could never be as poised as she was. I went to bed that night terrified that I was the wrong person to be speaking...

The second speaker spoke Saturday morning, and I found myself freaking out even more. She, too, knew the Bible so well. Her method of teaching was much more put together and prepared than mine. My rough outline and slides approach certainly was NOT the same as either woman who had already presented. The panic rose inside me. Was my way going to scare people away? Would I sound less biblical? Would people realize how much I don't know? Will I make people seasick from my pacing on stage? Could God really use me to reach them? Would my presentation get me kicked out of the church? (Yes, that's a highly irrational thought and NO, on any other day I would not think that. BUT, Satan had really been trying to ensure that God did NOT shine through me that day.)

And as I sat there freaking out, a close friend reminded me of all the ways God makes us different. And how there are different ways to present because there are different types of people, all of whom learn and hear things differently. The table of women I sat with encouraged me to remember that God can use me no matter what. I pulled myself together. I pulled my thoughts back to God and told Satan to buzz off. 

When it came time for me to present, I left God in charge. I followed my slides (and my very rough outline) and let God do the rest. Much of the 2 hours is a blur to me... I'm not 100% sure of what I said, but I know people laughed and cried. I know during the two music videos I showed, the room filled with not only the voices on the videos, but the beautiful voices of the women sitting at the tables. I know God did His thing. And, even if NO other person was touched during that time, I know one person who definitely was... ME. Not by what I said, but how God taught me way more than I could have taught others.

As I have spent time processing that day (and the days leading up to that day), I am surprised at how much God has taught me. I have spent a lot of time thinking about how silly I was for freaking out over being different. He uses ALL of us. He made me the way I am to reach people who might not be reached in other ways. There were so many ways I could see Him in the whole process. And my doubt in His ability to use me has been replaced with utter amazement over how He can use little ol' me to teach ME a lesson or two! 

I have thought a lot about flowers... There are a lot of beautiful flowers in this world, and each one is as different as the next one. You have roses in a full array of colors. Irises are so tall and regal, while poppies are bright and fun. My favorite flowers, tulips, are so colorful and light (almost dainty) versus large sunflowers that hover above you. Each flower is pretty. Each flower is appreciated. Some people love roses, others tulips. It doesn't change their beauty just because they're different. Rather, it makes them special... We humans are the same. And I need to remember that often!

For the past several years, I've had this seemingly BIG (and unrealistic) dream to do speaking engagements on the lessons God has taught me and on parenting. If I'm being honest, my ultimate dream is to be the "Dave Ramsey of parenting". (If you don't know who Dave Ramsey, he's the guy who started Financial Peace University.) I never, EVER thought it would ever be more than a dream. I don't know if it will ever come to fruition. But what I do know is that this Saturday proved to me that some of the things holding me back from pursuing that dream shouldn't be holding me back. Those fears of not being someone else will continue to bubble up, but God keeps reminding me how He never wanted me to be like anyone else in the first place. No matter what comes of things, I will work towards embracing me for me and allow God to shine through me in whatever way He deems necessary. I will be a confident tulip, even if I'm in a field of sunflowers!

The Other Influences (and why a tribe is necessary!)

Warning to ALL parents of young children: this too will be you some day! Read this post with understanding that every phase of parenting is a challenge AND every phase is also amazing!! It really just depends on the day as to which side you sway to!

Our household has been changing over the last couple years. We have moved from the crazy phase of baby/toddlerhood to the cute and inquisitive elementary and now into the attitudey "you don't know anything" pre-teen/teenage phase. Our youngest (THANKFULLY) is still the cute, inquisitive 10 year old, but let me tell you, the other three are definitely in the throws of the dreaded pre-teen/teenage phase! We are now in a place where we are praying that at least some of the stuff we taught them over their first decade or so STUCK, because they aren't hearing us now! It has become quite apparent that our influence is currently not the same as it used to be. And, even though I knew it was coming, it's way harder than I was expecting!

Our oldest son Patrick turned 14 back in July, and he has been our guinea pig since day one. Many of our parenting fails fell on him. And, they still do. We've never had a teenager before him. We've never dealt with the weird and awkward happenings of a teenage boy. Every "normal" developmental experience with him is new and scary and sometimes sad. He has struggled with school, not because it's hard, but because it's too easy. He's struggled with motivation. He's struggled with organization. All of these things made BIGGER because of the teenage-ness happening inside him. After years of trying to help him, I came to the realization I no longer had any helpful impact on him. I was just like the adults in any Charlie Brown cartoon... "Blah blah blah!" So, we reached out to his teachers, and magically, they were able to help him make adjustments which changed his trajectory. They didn't say anything new. NOTHING! It was everything I had been saying for years. BUT, it came from other people and suddenly sounded like sage, wise advice!

I could handle that. It was in the academic world. I think it's great that his teachers could work together to help him. I found it almost funny that years of me saying something sounded new and almost exciting when said by someone NOT me.

It wasn't so funny when the same kind of thing happened this weekend, only on a personal/spiritual level... While on our church's youth retreat, Patrick had an amazing, transformational moment. He was convicted by the preaching and reached out to the pastor and some leaders. The counsel they gave him, the prayers they prayed impacted Patrick and helped him mature as a Christian. They told him all the things I have been telling him for years, but he never really heard. He came home changed, not because of me, but because of them. And it made me sad. A huge moment in his young life wasn't impacted by the counsel of his mom, but by other people. 

Intellectually, I knew this would happen. I knew as the boys grew and matured that my influence would be less and less, and the influence of those around them would grow. And yet it still made me sad. I sat with the sadness for a little while. I wanted to be able to mourn the loss of the little boy that Patrick no longer is. As I sat in my sadness for that short time, a new feeling began to replace the sadness. It was pride... I am so unbelievably proud of Patrick for reaching out to the people he trusts. I am proud of the young man he is becoming and of the fact he is seeking to overcome the struggles he's having. 

There was also a level of gratitude for the pastor and the young leaders that counseled Patrick that night, and will continue to pour into him over the next few years. THEY are the tribe we have always wanted for our boys. They stepped up at the exact moment that Patrick needed them, when Kevin and I no longer can reach him like we used to. They will continue to disciple him, counsel him, and love on him. As a parent, it is so comforting to know that when our boys won't come to us, they have a tribe of people they can go to that we trust. 

Parents: there will come a day (if it hasn't already) that your children will not see you quite in the same light as they did when they were five. You will not be their everything forever. Who do you want them to go to when they won't go to you? Who do you want in your tribe? It's hard to think about our children not being able to come to us, but it will happen... If you had to choose people instead of you, who would they be? 

The Interesting Ways God Works!

Have you ever wondered what God is thinking as He watches us all flounder around through life? Do you wonder if He chuckles at us over the silly things we do? I often picture God like a dad... Someone who sits back and becomes highly amused by my antics. You know, the kind of dad that watches his daughter or son toddle around and says "that's gonna hurt" when they fall down? We have all been made in HIS image, which makes me believe that He has to have a great sense of humor. 

I've been thinking a lot about God and who He is and how He does things. I sometimes am amazed at the little ways He weaves things together at just the right time to "prove" He's with me and is FOR me. When I am intentional about keeping my eyes on Him, I get to see these glimpses of just how much He knows me and the things I need. Here is the most recent example:

As I have written about before, things haven't exactly been the easiest lately. My head has not been in the greatest of spaces and I definitely have NOT been the most pleasant of people to be around. I was starting to find less and less blessings and more and more negative things. God had a plan to turn things around... It wasn't until today that I realized how He was working.

A few weeks ago, I was asked to speak at our church's women's retreat in February. It seemed a little out of the blue to me, as I've only been attending the church for just under 6 months. But, I agreed to speak and was given a choice to speak on Abiding in Christ or Joy in Jesus. I went with Joy in Jesus because that's what I felt God urging me to pick. 

Over the next couple of weeks, I started planning what I would be talking about, reading a lot of Bible verses and looking through books on JOY. I have listened to a lot of stories women ( and some men) who found joy in Jesus in amongst their hard times. I watched MANY YouTube videos of Chonda Pierce (a Christian comedienne) who suffered great loss and yet found laughter in her darkness. As I have been working on the session I will be teaching, I have found myself more joy-filled. More at peace. With more hope. My attitude is changed. And what once felt like drowning seems so much more manageable. I have smiled more, laughed more. There's been a little extra pep in my step. NOTHING on the outside has changed. I am still balancing the boys' needs and my self doubts and the pandemic and a multitude of other things. BUT, the inside has changed immensely. 

God knew what I needed. He knew just how to make it happen. How interesting it is that He orchestrates even the little things. We as humans often learn the best when we have to teach it to others. I am definitely no different... preparing to teach on joy only helped me learn how to find and keep joy in my heart. I am so grateful that He works even in the little things!

I want to leave you with a quote from back of one of the books I have been looking through on joy. It struck me and has stuck with me... 

"Joy is meant to be ours, a joy that is defiant in the face of this broken world. This joy is not simply happiness on steroids; it's the unyielding belief that sorrow and loss do not have the final say. It's stubborn determination to be present to whatever may come and to interpret both goodness and grief by the light of heaven." Stasi Eldredge, Defiant Joy

The FACADE is Crumbling...

Disclaimer: This is a very honest post... It's intent is just to express what I am thinking and feeling. I have always been (and will always be) open about the things I think and feel in hopes that it helps others know they're not alone... I am very much aware that what I FEEL is not always REALITY, and that I cannot fully trust the feelings I have. BUT, I also cannot discount them. I face them head on and always rely on God's truth to help sort things out.

I am drowning. There's no other way to describe it than that I am drowning. The sea of events and emotions and thoughts have overtaken me, and my "fake it 'til I make it" attitude is getting harder to maintain. I can feel myself cracking under the pressures of everyday life, and you throw in a pandemic and uncertainties about school/work for our family, and I seriously feel like I am going to lose it. 

The person most people see is a strong, confident woman who has everything under control. In reality, I am crumbling under the weight of life and bear no resemblance to the facade I portray. I don't know what I'm doing... I don't know how to help my boys as they struggle with school. I spend so much time trying to help them maneuver through tough choices and negative feelings about school, and yet I feel like we are getting no where. 

I question my parenting as I witness my oldest crying because of school issues and my 11 year old act so rude and ungrateful towards us. "What am I missing?" is a regular question I ask in our house. I don't understand my boys. I don't know how a boy thinks. And it shows. They're growing up, which is amazing for them! But as they grow up, they are no longer needing me as much. They need their dad. They need the men in our tribe that we have built. I truly believe that we could go days in our house with me hiding somewhere, and no one would be bothered by that. Their attention and energy all go to my husband, because Dad is cool. Me, not so much... I'm just mom.

I question everyday if my choice to work, or where to work, is the right one. The boys aren't really get 100% of me, and I worry that working is hindering them. And then there's the whole idea of subbing. I want so badly to make a difference, and to be an excellent teacher while I'm there. But, I find myself feeling insecure and unsure that I am actually being helpful or effective. I LOVE where I sub. I LOVE the students and the teachers. But every day I feel nauseous as I head to school because I'm scared I will mess up or that I won't know what I'm doing. And most days I leave wondering if I made a difference or if I totally screwed up what I was supposed to teach. (In case you didn't know, I am NOT, nor ever have been, a certified teacher. I am not even sure how I was allowed to sub in the first place!) I want to be more than a place holder or just a "breathing body"... I want the students to feel safe and secure when their regular teachers are out. I want the teachers to be able to know their students are well cared for. And it wouldn't hurt if the students actually learned things, too!

I question my abilities as a wife and a friend. I make our marriage hard. I make it hard for Kevin to live with me. Not intentionally, but just by being me. I am emotional and difficult to understand. My lack of energy and constant hurting leaves Kevin the majority of the housework. My insecurities and needs cause a good bit of chaos.

I am not doing so great as a friend, either. I have not been good at keeping in touch or making time. My own little world feels so overwhelming that I have allowed it to get in the way of being emotionally there for them. I feel like what little energy and emotional capacity I have is being sucked up by the four boys in my house. And I don't like it. I miss my friends. A LOT!

I question as to where I fit in in our new church. The boys and Kevin have settled in so nicely and I still don't know where I belong. The church is AMAZING, and I am so happy we started attending there. But I don't know what I should be doing there. I don't know how my gifts will fit in with what's there (or even what gifts I really have to offer).

I could go on for hours about all of the things I question. The pandemic alone brings on a very long list of things I question... How can we be even remotely confident in the decisions we make about where to go, what to do, when the "experts" can't even agree?

There is something I don't question... I don't question God's love for me. I might question what He's doing (I do that often), but never His love for me. I hold very tightly to the knowledge I have of Him. The questioning, the lack of confidence only brings me closer to Him, because I wouldn't be able to get through the day without Him. I get up everyday relying on His strength, because I have no strength of my own. I know I'm not alone, even when sometimes I feel alone. My confidence in Him allows me to weather the storms that come, even if it looks quite ugly as it's happening (and trust me, it is quite ugly right now!). This will pass. This will also return someday. It's just who I am and how I'm wired. But, just as I know it will pass and return, I KNOW that I will be okay. Because I have a God that loves me more than anything.

Things I Want My Sons to Know

It's definitely a crazy time we are living in! So much is happening around us, impacting us. So many questions, concerns, fears. At the end of the day, I find myself praying that I did enough to help my boys with their fears. That I answered their questions and concerns with enough confidence that they can sleep at night. I don't hold all of the answers, only God does. Sometimes all I can give is a caring, "I don't know." I can't fix any of what's going on. I can't wave a magic wand and make things disappear. I can't force others to act kindly and respectfully. BUT, what I can do is love and raise my boys the way God wants me to. I can teach them, and guide them, and yes, even discipline them, so that they grow up to be amazing men. And as they grow and mature, these are the things I want them to know:

1. God loves you more than any single human can, even me (and that's saying a lot because I'm your Mama). God created you, chose your parents for you, protects you. He will NOT fail you (even when it feels like He is). He will be there for you ALWAYS. 

2. Daddy and I are flawed people. We make mistakes... A LOT. Grace and forgiveness is needed daily because although we love you with everything in us, we will fail you. 

3. The world is an amazing and scary place. Look for what God is doing in the world in the midst of the bad stuff. Good, amazing stuff is out there, too! Find it in the big stuff, in the little stuff. See the beauty in amongst the ugly. 

4. Name calling is NEVER needed. You can always get your point across without ever having to call another person a name. If you accidentally do call someone a name, immediately apologize. Because, again, name calling is not needed.

5. You WILL disagree with other people. OFTEN. It's the beauty of being human. Of being different from others. IF we were all created to think exactly the same, we would be very boring people!

6. WHEN you disagree with people, respect is ALWAYS needed. There should never be a time where you are disrespectful because you don't agree/believe in what another person is saying. (Honestly, there should just never be a time you are disrespectful at all). Bad mouthing, putting people down, mocking people are all ways of showing disrespect, and it is uncalled for.

7. Words are extremely powerful. They can build people up or can tear people down. YOU have the power to use your immense vocabulary to help others. YOU can impact other positively or negatively by the words you choose to use. Think before you speak. Ask yourself: Is what I am going to say helpful or harmful?

8. TRUST is NOT free. It is so important for you to have people in your life that you trust. People you know you can go to for help and advice, that you can trust to keep you safe. It is just as important that people can trust you. You earn trust... It is not assumed or free. It is earned through being honest and reliable. You earn other's trust by meaning what you say and saying what you mean. Be the friend that people can come to and feel safe. Tell the truth, even when it's hard.

9. Life on Earth is NOT FAIR. We live in a broken world, with hurting people. We live with injustices all around us. People fight for the rights of others to make this world be a little more fair. Be the person who sees the injustices and fight for what's right. But also accept that at times, life just isn't fair. You may not get the promotion you want. You may lose more family members to cancer or other illnesses. This side of heaven will not always be fair. 

10. HELP others. Be aware of the needs around you. Open doors for people. Pick up items left on the floor at the store. Offer to reach things off the top shelf for those not as blessed with height as you are. Volunteer whenever/wherever you can. YOU are God's hands and feet. Use your gifts and talents to help.

11. Be a CONTRIBUTING MEMBER OF SOCIETY! We have taught you that from the time you were very little. Be involved. Do the work. Use what God has given you. We taught you to do chores, to earn money, to work hard because we want you to grow into strong, contributing members of the world you live in.

12. YOU are an unbelievably amazing person. YOU were created to do great things and I know that God has big plans for you. Each of you will have a different journey... One that will look far different than your brothers' journeys. That's because God created you to be YOU, not your brothers. God designed you to be unique. Being like everyone else is boring, anyway! Accept who you are. Embrace who you are. Your quirks, your flaws, your strengths are all a part of who you are. I want nothing more than for you to walk through your lifetime with confidence in who God created you to be.

13. YOU ARE LOVED MORE THAN WORDS COULD EVER SAY. Your Daddy and I have prayed for you since the moment we knew we were expecting you. There is nothing more amazing than to love you and care for you. We are privileged to be your Mom and Dad!! We are proud of who you are and for the things you are doing. And, no matter how hard things may be, or how angry your dad and I might seem, we will ALWAYS LOVE YOU. NOTHING can ever change that. EVER!

This Season of Life is HARD

 Well, we did it. We moved. We left our 200 year old farmhouse that we called home for 15 years and bought a beautiful 5 year old colonial house just 4 minutes away. The entire process, from preparing the old house to selling and buying to moving out and then in, has been a roller coaster of emotions! In the middle of settling in to the new house, we are also trying to prepare for a new school year for everyone. At the end of the day, when the busyness of the day is over, I am left feeling so many things I didn't expect... 

Back in June as we prepared for selling our old house, I had posted about how sad I was to be leaving behind such an amazing house filled with so many memories. I thought the feelings would slowly pass as the excitement of the new house grew. But one week into living in our new house, I feel kind of homesick for the old house. The house that smelled like us. The house that made me feel like I was "home". It was familiar and we had made it our very own. I miss that house. I miss that "home" feeling. I miss sitting at the desk I built and seeing our "rent-a-dog" (the neighbor's chocolate lab) wandering around the yard. I miss the kitchen island, with the small knot in it that looked like a heart. 

Don't get me wrong, we have a wonderful house now. The old house definitely had it's flaws! But after 15 years, it became a part of me. And my touch was in every room. Our new house is big and feels empty. I don't have that "home" feeling yet. I drive up to the house, and it still feels like someone else's house. It just brings me feelings of being overwhelmed, as our to-do list is quite long. I pray that changes. I pray over time it feels like our home. 

It hasn't been an easy week or month or couple of months. The to-do list keeps getting longer. My excitement has dwindled and I often feel like I am drowning in boxes and school supplies and school schedules. I am grateful that our boys don't have to change schools because of our move. Benjamin got permission to stay at Red Mill, which is great for him. Zachary starts Middle School and will attend the same school as Tyler. And Patrick starts his freshman year of high school (okay, so that brings on a whole new level of emotions!). I cannot imagine what it would be like for everyone if we also had to completely change schools...

Although we're not having to change schools, so much is different. Our district made the hard decision to start the year off with distance learning. So, all four boys will be home doing a pretty typical school day. And the idea of that overwhelms me. Four different grades, four different personalities, four different rooms (to ensure they can do their online participation without interruptions). At the end of last year, it was much more simply structured, where there was more review of work, and less actual grading. This year we truly are doing school from home. Will I be enough support for the boys? How am I supposed to help Patrick with his classes should he need it? How do we manage the different schedules? 

I miss what we had in the beginning of March. I miss the boys going to school (and I know they miss it even more). I miss working with the students and teachers at the Elementary School. So much has changed... and my heart aches for what was.

In the last several months, I have had to say goodbye to a lot of things I have loved deeply. Our old way of life, including work and school. Our old house. Our cat, Ruth. Our sanity. Some things can be replaced, some things will eventually go back to "normal". Some things will never be the same. But, through it all, I know that God is at the heart of all of it. The new house is an amazing gift from Him that even a year ago, we would have never thought we could ever get. I see the good. I see the amazing blessings in the midst of the hard stuff. But, in this moment, it doesn't feel good. It feels sad. I feel sad. 

In a few months, I am confident that my feelings will shift. In a few months, the new house will have more of our personal touches. It will definitely smell more like us. And I won't have to remind myself to NOT turn right to head to the old house. I will miss our old house less. The boys will be in some kind of routine, and maybe, just maybe actually be back physically in school. Until then, I will hold on to the fact that God has given us very GOOD things, even if they don't currently feel so good.

Hard Conversations

I have been wanting to write some things that have been on my mind for quite a while, but haven't been able to find the right words... It's so hard to express myself sometimes, as I feel so deeply that my vocabulary cannot reach. God's been prompting me, over and over again to write, and so I sit hear doing just that. I write as a way to connect to God. I write as a creative outlet. I also write in hopes that someone will be touched, will be changed, will be encouraged... And tonight I write as a way to express the deep ache I feel in my heart for all that is going on and for how it is impacting my boys.

2020 has certainly NOT been kind. Each month we seem to be faced with another challenge, another reminder that we do in fact live in a fallen and broken world. COVID keeps it's grip on our country, not discriminating against young or old. Racial tension and awareness brought out both the good and the bad in people. We are in the throws of an election year that is beyond ugly. Summer as we have known it disappeared. The new school year will be nothing like any other year. 

I have thoughts and feelings about all of it. But what I have spent the past several months focused on are the four boys in my house who have questions about ALL of it. And their questions are hard. They're insightful. They have been questions that have stopped me in my tracks and have left me weeping over them. I realized months ago that I had a much bigger calling in front of me than just to survive a stay-at-home order or to get creative with our summer plans. This year, my calling as "mama" was (and still is) to help my growing boys to process their world and to help them make heads or tails of a very hard time.

When the boys were little, I thought that we were in the hardest stage of parenting. When my youngest was born, we had a newborn, 1 year old, 2 year old, and a just barely 4 year old. We had 3 in diapers for a year. I hadn't slept in years. I didn't have enough arms to keep a hold of them all. It was a hard stage! As they got older, and were all mobile, wrangling them was ridiculous! It was hard. But this year, I have realized THIS is the HARDEST stage yet. THIS is where the rubber meets the road. Where all of those years of getting to know each boy, getting to know their hearts has come into action. THIS is where they are now using the beautiful brains and hearts that God has given them to form their own thoughts and feelings. And wow do they have some BIG thoughts and feelings! 

Questions started flooding in from each boy when COVID first hit. They wanted to know the details, the facts. They wanted to see the charts and understand the data. Kevin and I helped them to understand what they were reading as best we could. As we moved from thinking this all was temporary to realizing how serious things were, the questions became harder. The main question: "What if one of us gets COVID?" They'd go through the people they love dearly and wondered WHAT IF... My response, "What if they do? What could that mean?" And with each boy, we journeyed down the what if trail, always ending with, "No matter how sad, or how hard, or how scary, God's got us. We'll be okay." 

I wish those were the only hard conversations we had to have, but no... more questions came as the boys watched how racism impacts their world. "Why would anyone see someone as less of a person because they're not the same color?" "God made us all in HIS image, so wouldn't that mean that black and brown people are in His image, too?" Our Benjamin, who loves and feels deeper than any of the boys, tried so hard to understand why it was happening. He would tell me often, "Mama, I like the different colors of skin. We'd be boring if we were all one color. Why can't people see that? Why do people get treated different?" The innocence that once existed is long gone. And in those conversations, I found myself lost for words. I had to rely on God for the answers.

The hardest type questions the boys have asked start with, "Why do people...". "Why do people riot?" "Why do people hate other people so much?" "Why do people call other people names just because they don't like what the other person is saying?" "Why do people hurt other people?" Boy, do I miss the "why is the sky blue" type questions!

There is no easy (or right) way to answer those questions. So, we carefully maneuver through the minefield until the boys are satisfied (for the moment). At times I feel inept and unqualified to answer their questions. But, I am humbled to be a part of that journey for them. 

In 20 years, when they look back on 2020, I pray that they remember these conversations. I pray that they find assurance that no matter what, that God has them. I pray that they continue to have the kind, loving hearts they have now and that they can go out into the world and make a difference. 

This parenting thing is so unbelievably hard. The ache that I feel for each boy grows as they share more of what's on their hearts and minds. But I feel so blessed that God chose me to be their mama, to be the one who can be their soft place. We are called NOT to keep them from the hard stuff, but to help them maneuver THROUGH the hard stuff. And that is where I choose to spend my energy... on helping them, guiding them, shaping them. Even when it's hard!

I don't know what else 2020 will bring... but God's got us, and we will be okay. My Benjamin says so!

Home is Where my Family is...

It’s June... we, as a whole, survived the last quarter homeschooling due to Covid. We learned a lot about each other and ourselves. We made the best of what was going on, and I truly believe we came out better than when we entered.

With that said, there were some things that didn’t go so well. In the midst of being “stuck” at home with the six of us for weeks on end, we found that space in our little farmhouse was getting harder and harder to find. Our ever-growing giants, as I lovingly call them, are getting too big for our house. Patrick’s almost 6 foot at not yet 14 years old. The other three continue to grow like weeds as well!

We came to the realization that either we needed to add on to the house OR we needed to move to something a little bigger. After a huge disappointment of not being able to work out adding on to our house, we made the decision to pursue buying a new house. And this was NOT what I really wanted... and honestly, there’s still a part of me that doesn’t want to leave.

I love this house. I love that we have taken apart almost every room and put it back together again. We have poured our blood, sweat and tears into this home. And I don’t want to leave it. But, in the same breath, I am excited to see what house God has waiting for us. Maybe it’ll be a house we don’t have to fix, but just make it our own... Maybe it will be a house big enough for the boys to have a place to hang out with their friends and still allow Kevin and myself a place to hang out as well. I guess we’ll find out soon enough!

In less than one week, our house will go on the market. Pictures of each room will be out there for everyone and anyone to see. And it makes me sad. They won’t know what we changed. They won’t see how we had to tear down horse hair plaster and cleaned the dust from that plaster for weeks after. They won’t know that the small bedroom barely bigger than a walk in closet was where four beautiful babies slept throughout the years. They won’t know that the red room downstairs was where A LOT of the hard work happened with Tyler and Benjamin during therapy, and then became the center of our business. I know the people looking at the house won’t care. But I do.

This is the house we walked through Christmas Eve of 2004 and could see the potential it had. Kevin moved in and began the process of making it our own. Little did we know what the coming years would bring. We celebrated the birth of the four boys. We mourned the loss of our daughter. We maneuvered through developmental delays for two of the boys. We threw parties and dinners, and shared life with those we love. Job changes, surgeries, broken bones all happened here. We started our business here. We worked our tails off to move from being out of control financially to being only months away from being debt-free. And we’re leaving it...

I guess the biggest thing is that this is where I grew up. Like, truly grew up. I had my childhood home back in NJ. But this is the house where I grew the most. I was 25 when I moved into this house. I was young and naive. It wasn’t until after the boys were born that I really discovered who I was and began growing more confident in the woman God created. I am NOT the person I was when I moved into this house 15 years ago.

There is no question that God is leading us to a new home. We have prayed about this for months. He has blessed us as we take each step. I know He will continue to bless us. I know this is where our family is supposed to be headed. I know our new house will be amazing and that we will love it. I just didn’t think it would make me this sad and nervous...

God’s got this. He has a plan, and we’re trying to follow it. And as I continue to move forward, I will trust him. I will also allow myself time to mourn the loss of this amazing home and the memories we have created. God has been good to us these past 15 years. And He will continue to be good to us in our next home!

Embracing the Upheaval

We are two weeks into a seriously insane upheaval of our lives. 2 weeks ago, all 6 of us (as well as hundreds of thousands of others) walked out of schools unsure of when we would return. The Coronavirus is running rampant through the world, and it's impact will be felt long after life returns to "normal". Social distancing, e-learning, isolation, closures of everything but life-sustaining businesses, have become our lives. We have had to learn how to do church differently; how to do school differently. Fear, concern, anxiety, insecurities are running just as rampantly across the country and the world. The unknowns are looming over us like a big scary monster hiding under our beds just waiting to get us when we let our guard down.

Personally, the first week was pretty nice. We kept things low key. We had gorgeous weather for most of the week so the boys played outside for hours. (We are quite blessed to have four boys who all play together. I cannot imagine how difficult it must be for those who don't have siblings to play with.) We had fun doing random learning activities, like finding the perimeter and area of our entire house. The boys asked questions about what was going on and we'd answer them as best we could. And if we didn't know, we all researched it. 

Week 2 has been harder for many different reasons. The boys are missing their friends and teachers. They're missing the routine and structure. And, they're missing learning... like "real learning", as our youngest says. So, we built in more structure. We're writing letters to friends. We're writing letters to teachers. We've begun more "real learning". The boys got into the new routine and are quite content.

Kevin started his 2nd job (part-time) on Monday. This was something we had already in motion before the Coronavirus hit. With not having to teach, he was able to spend more time during the day at his part-time job and then worked on his teaching stuff in the afternoon and evening. We have barely seen him... (Okay, we actually have "seen" him a good bit, but have not been able to spend time with him.) We were prepared for him not being around. We agreed this was worth the short term sacrifice to meet our goals. What we weren't prepared for was EVERYONE being home ALL OF THE TIME. In our heads, we had it planned out that him working so much wouldn't be so bad because the boys would be in school and I'd be working during the day. It would only be a few hours every night we'd be home without him. NOW, the boys are doing school from our kitchen table. We can't go anywhere at all. Kevin's working online with his students in our playroom. And, I have no job. 

For me, the hardest part is how lonely I feel; how much I feel purpose-less. As a substitute, I have absolutely nothing to do with planning and prepping. I have nothing to do at all. No way of helping the teachers prepare for a whole new venture. And, I was reminded this week how as much of a part of the team I might be when I am physically in the building, I am actually not a part of the team. I miss working. I miss the teachers. I miss the kids. I miss waking up in the morning and having something truly helpful to do. Sure, I have tons to do at home (but I can only clean and organize for so long before it gets old). I still have to help the boys in all of the many things they are doing and feeling. But there's something so fulfilling when I am helping OUTSIDE of the home, when I have purpose beyond my little world. And, to top it all off, we are now in a "stay at home" order, meaning we can't go for the life-giving random drives we love to take as a family.

BUT, I am learning to embrace this massive upheaval. I am trying to take everything I have learned over the years to focus on what God is trying to say in this time. This craziness won't go unused. And I know He wants me to seek Him in the midst of things. And, even on the worst of days, I can find the joy. I can find where I am truly blessed. I can see His hand in things. On days like today, where tears were many and my heart was heavy, I can still breathe. I can still find Him in the little things like budding flowers and the cool breeze coming in our open windows. 

I can't fight the upheaval. I can't magically make the unknowns become known. But I can embrace what is. 13 years ago today, I went to bed weeping over the loss of our daughter, unsure I could ever make it to tomorrow. 10 years ago, as we maneuvered through Tyler's delays and eventual diagnosis of being on the Spectrum, I didn't know how to move forward. There's been other upheavals in my life and God has always helped me to the other side. And I am confident that this time of upheaval will be looked back on in the same way. 

I'm not okay... But I will be!

It's been a rough couple of weeks here in the Schussler household. The stomach bug ran rampant through most of us, and we're still waiting to see if our oldest son will be hit with it. I've done more laundry in the last week than I have in a whole month. We're all very ready for sick season to be over!

There's been battles of wills, teenage angst, disappointments, and a sprinkling of some pretty neat things. We've had the highs of one son's team winning the Academic Bowl for 6th grade, our oldest making it into the Junior Honors Society, and good grades for another marking period for all four of them. But we also had to help our youngest process not getting into our Gifted Program (which his older brothers are all a part of), our oldest son's team not winning the Academic Bowl for 8th grade, and let's not forget the dislocated finger event. And it's all been within 2 weeks...

As I've been trying to steal some moments away, I've been trying to figure out what I think and feel about the past two weeks. And the main thing I feel is TIRED. I'm exhausted, both physically and mentally. It's hard on me when the boys get sick. Partly because I hate seeing them sick. But it's also because I am the person who must rearrange my life to take care of them. I am the one to cancel scheduled work days. I am the one who cleans up after them and does the insane amount of laundry.

I love the ability to stay home with them, but so much happens in my mind when things have to change. There was SO much internal guilt over having to cancel a work day... They were relying on me to come in and substitute and I had to cancel. I couldn't fulfill my responsibility. And then there was the guilt for being bothered that one son was sick and was causing me to rearrange my day. And then on top of all of that, there was guilt over the fact that I was mad at Kevin because he doesn't have to rearrange his life.

That guilt was brutal. And it took a lot of work to get past that. I wish I could say next time will be better, but I highly doubt it. It will be less. It has to be. But I don't think that guilt will ever go away completely. It kind of comes with the territory of being a mom.

The last two weeks got me thinking about how we interact with people... There were several people who had asked me how I was doing, how I was holding up. They asked because they care. But in those moments, I didn't answer truthfully. I would make light of things, make a joke, share a funny (but gross) story about the adventures of the stomach bug in a house of 6 people. But I couldn't tell them how I was REALLY doing. How I was feeling guilty and run down and so many other things. And it got me thinking about WHY I felt like I couldn't say what I was feeling.

I struggle to say "I'm not doing so great" to people. I struggle to show that I am struggling. Partly because I don't want to seem weak, but also because I know it's temporary. I don't want people worrying about me when I know it will pass. I don't want people to think I am stuck in a place of doom and gloom when I know it's just a moment. So I don't share.

But, what if I did? What IF I answered "I'm not okay. BUT, I will be." What if we all answered that way instead of the typical "I'm good."? I think we would feel less isolated and alone. I think we would be able to have better conversations with others. If someone said to me "I'm not okay. BUT, I will be", I would know to pray for them. Others would know to handle with care. Maybe it would deepen relationships...

So, here I am saying that I am not okay. But, I will be. Things are hard right now for a multitudinous of reasons... but it won't stay that way forever.

Reflecting on What God Has Done

Here we are, the year 2020... How did we ever get here? There are days where I still think we're in the early 2000's!! Time certainly feels like it flies by.

We had an amazing Christmas and New Year at the Schussler house! So much quality time together, so many opportunities to slow down and connect! The boys are older now, so gift giving is actually more fun, as they give each other gifts. It's always so fun to see them get excited to give their gifts!

Christmas 2019

I've been spending a lot of time reflecting about not only this past year, but this past decade. What a crazy ride it has been! 10 years ago, Patrick was 3, Tyler was 1 1/2, Zach was 6 months, and we had just learned that we were pregnant with Ben. We were what felt like barely staying afloat. There was very little sleep and a whole lot of crying (and not always from just the boys). I was preparing to follow my dream of working for our church part time. Kevin was in a job he hated. It was an insane time of life that I wasn't sure we would ever survive.

Christmas 2009

Ten years ago was also when I began to seek God more intentionally and his purpose for me. It was when I had begun the journey of finding myself. I had no idea where the journey was going to take me, but I knew it needed to begin. As much as I loved my boys and my life, I had a constant feeling of failure and guilt. I felt lost in the mix and didn't know how to love myself. I knew that if I was going to be the best Mama for my boys that I needed to find the me God had created.

And so began an amazingly wonderful, complicated, and scary journey. My job at the church kept shifting into new roles, roles I would never have thought I was qualified to do. Ben was born and finished our beautiful family. Several surgeries happened. Tyler and Ben were both blessed with Early Intervention help and Tyler was diagnosed with being on the Autism Spectrum. Kevin was on his own journey, and after years of being afraid to follow his dream, he took the plunge and became a teacher! The boys all started school, and succeeded with each year.

This past year (2019) was probably the most intense and hardest year for me personally. The nine years before was hectic and always busy, but this past year was a different crazy. I had entered a place of Wilderness. I was preparing to leave a job that had been a part of my identity for almost a decade. My babies were growing into young men and my role in their life had begun to shift, especially with our teenager. I couldn't feel God, but I continued to seek Him. I began a new job as a substitute teacher that left me feeling insecure and sometimes incompetent. I was learning how to worship in the same place that had been my job, which was way more complicated than I had ever expected. Nothing about the year felt secure.

The path is not always clear.

But something changed in late November/early December... I had found that life felt less complicated, less hard. I could hear God's voice again. I could feel a sense of direction. There was peace in my heart for the first time in a while. I began to see that I didn't need to know what was coming next and that I could be happy with what IS. Worshiping became easier, became more comfortable. And, I learned to embrace the changes in my role as Mama for my ever changing boys.

I hated the time of wilderness. I hated feeling lost. I hated feeling far from God. But I am so grateful for it. 2019 became the year that made the whole decade make sense. It pulled all of the great things, the bad things, the crazy things together. And the journey of finding myself came to fruition. 

2020 will be a year of enjoyment. It will be a year to embrace who I am, where I am. It will be a year of seeing all the little ways God touches my life. I am excited to spend more time in nature with my camera, more time getting to know my boys (young men), and more time connecting with God.

Bittersweet Moments of Growth

It is the end of August and my family is back into the full swing of school. Kevin is teaching his fifth year, and man is he doing an amazing job! The boys are now in 3rd, 5th, 6th, and 8th grade and have plans of rocking this school year. It is so amazing to watch my five guys grow and mature and find their groove!

On the other hand, it is so hard to watch my babies spread their wings and soar. They are doing exactly what they should be doing... doing what Kevin and myself have been raising them to do. But with each step of independence, each celebration of a milestone, my mama heart has a small part that is sad. I miss the babies. I miss the way they would mix up words like "waterlemon" instead of "watermelon". I miss the sound of their little, squeaky voices, rather than the low, robust voice of my 13 year old. Their growing and maturing leaves a very bittersweet taste, and I am realizing that most growth seems to do that.

We have been focused on the topic of Growth at our church for the last several weeks, and so growth has been on the very forefront of my mind. I've been spending a lot of time thinking about my own growth and how the journey I have been on has brought an unbelievable amount of growth and maturity. The more I think about how I've grown, the more I realize how many times there were moments of that bittersweet taste...For every moment that God presented me with an opportunity to grow, there was a moment of letting something go. And, boy, did I love whatever He was asking me to let go of. Sometimes, He asked me to let go of something tangible, but more often it seems He asked me to let go of things like my control.

Almost 10 years ago, God asked me to TRUST Him and to say yes to working for our church. It was a pretty simple job, where all I had to do was edit and prepare lessons for our elementary school ministry. I let go (a little) of my fear and lack of confidence and said yes... Only a few months later, He asked me to trust Him more by presenting the Nursery Director job to me. And, again, I let go of a little more fear and said yes. With each yes I said, there was excitement and nerves and I still am not sure how the old me ever said yes.

Within just a few more months, I sat in the office of the then Senior Pastor expressing concerns for a very small ministry within our church. My plan: I let him know there was an issue and he finds someone to help them. The Senior Pastor's (and apparently God's) plan: I was the someone to help them. I didn't go in thinking I would be a part of the solution. I certainly didn't go in with the idea of helping our Special Needs Ministry. But, the Senior Pastor said so, and so I did.

Over the next 9 years, a lot happened, both personally and on the job. I stepped into many roles at the church, but never out of the role within the Special Needs Ministry. During that time, God kept placing in front of me new challenges, hard conversations, battles to be fought. There was nothing to do but to grow. As our ministry grew and became able::life, I needed to walk away from other things. Things I loved. As my boys grew and their needs changed, I had to give up things I didn't always want to give up. There were these sad moments mixed with pure excitement for what was coming next. Those bittersweet moments always found their way into my journey.

And here I am, almost a decade later, facing a very large bittersweet growth moment. God said it was time to step down from able::life. He has promised something new is on the horizon for me... Something I have yet to see or understand. But He has promised it's there. As I said my goodbyes this past Sunday, so many memories came flooding back. I could remember the first day I met each family. I could  remember the trials and the joys and everything that God had done within the ministry as well as with the people looking in. It broke my heart to walk out the doors, and yet, there was an excitement bubbling up knowing that God has something waiting for me.

I don't know what He's going to do with me next, but I know that God will not waste the growth over this past decade. I am not the same person I was 10 years ago. I'm not even the same person I was 10 months ago. I will continue to grow, continue to seek His will, continue to let go even when it's hard. I will continue to sit in the bittersweet moments and see what God has done and what He will do.

A Year of Growth

It's here... The end of another school year is upon the Schussler household. We are excited to tackle the Summer and all that it will bring! Our annual beach vacation, friends, swimming, hiking... There are so many things planned!

This school year brought a lot of obstacles and a lot of growth. Watching the boys become young men has left with a mixed bag of emotions. I am sad to see my babies are no longer babies. The cuteness has faded. Even our youngest, who is turning 9 in August, no longer has the "cute" factor he once did. Rather, they are all handsome. They are all looking more like young adults, more like their dad everyday.

I'm left feeling nervous about what's next for them. It's not easy being 9, 10, 11, and 13. There are so many life lessons they will learn over the next coming years, and I'm worried that I won't have the tools needed to help them through these lessons. They'll have so many experiences, good and bad, and there's this fear of mine that I'm going to somehow mess them up on their journeys.

There's also a level of excitement! It's been so exciting to watch them each find their niche. Benjamin is still plucking away at guitar. He's finding his love for worship, and we can his passion shine through. Tyler has found a good group of friends that love the things he loves. Patrick has become a leader at church, leading a small group of 1st graders and helping to run tech. And then there's Zachary... He has found his passion for music, which in turn has given the two of us a way to bond. Rather than just sharing our hot headedness and fiery temperament, we also share a love for playing instruments and listening to classical music.

I think the biggest thing I feel is pride... I am so unbelievably proud of our four boys! They have embraced life, and all that comes with it, and they strive to do their best. Our Benjamin takes on life with a positive and encouraging attitude, always there to make others feel better. He loves God, he loves his family, and he loves people in general. There isn't a day that goes by that he isn't building someone up, befriending the friendless, or reminding us of how much we are loved.

We have watched Zachary mature in so many ways this year. He works harder, is more focused, and definitely more patient with those around him. He is more caring and aware of what others are feeling. He has faced times where he could have easily been cocky and boastful, but has always chosen to be humble and kind. It has been fun to watch him use his gifts to teach others how to do what he does. I can see him being a teacher someday...

Tyler also has had quite a year of growth. He has worked so hard to overcome the obstacles that come with being on the spectrum. He has built friendships that go deeper than just surface level. He has strived to be less fearful and embrace new things with a sense of adventure. He has intentionally spent more time with animals so he can be less afraid of them. Everyday I can see him taking bolder steps, more mature steps. He's heading off to Middle School in the Fall, and he could not be more excited!! He is definitely going to rock 6th grade!

And then there's Patrick... He's turning 13 this Summer. My first born will be a teenager, and my heart couldn't be more proud of the young man he is becoming. He is kind and loving, funny and quirky, passionate, sarcastic, and an all around great guy. This year was hard for him, as Middle School seems to be for everyone. There have been a lot of life lessons, some easier than others. In the midst of school stuff, he's been trying to find his identity, to define who he wants to be. He is learning that his actions do NOT define who he is and that even when he fails, he is still the amazing person we know and love. With each step he takes, he is embracing more of who God made him, becoming more confident in himself, while never taking his eyes off of the important things in life. And, when he's not busy dealing with his own junk, he is right there helping support and love his brothers as they go through their junk. Our other boys could not have asked for a better big brother!

This school year has brought so many things... but the biggest thing is definitely growth. Between their emotion growth and maturity and their physical growth, the growing pains have definitely been outweighed by the amazing people they are becoming. God has blessed me and our family with some awesome boys, and I am excited to see what this Summer will bring!!!

Facing Depression Head On

This is going to be a very vulnerable and raw post... It's on a topic I have wanted to write about for a while, but could never muster up enough courage to do so. You see, I struggle with depression. Deep, painful depression that rears it's ugly head when I least expect it. It's something that has been a part of my life since I was quite young. Although it has been a part of me for most of my life, it has never been a part of me that I have wanted to share. I am embarrassed... I am afraid... And I am worried that the façade of strength that I put up will be shattered and people will only see weakness in me. But, I need to talk about it. I need for this to not be a taboo topic. I need to let others who might be feeling how I feel know they are not alone. Because right now, I feel alone.

When I was in Middle School, depression crept into my life, changing how I viewed life. Despite having a wonderful family that loved me, an upbringing in a great church, and a good life, I found myself feeling empty. Some days I couldn't describe what I was feeling because I wasn't sure I was feeling anything. It grew to a point where I wasn't sure life was worth living... But, my parents saw it and they took me to an amazing counselor. She taught me tools to help me move forward. She gave me words for the things I was feeling. Seeing her changed the trajectory of my life.

But, the depression didn't leave me forever. It came back, over and over again. Each time, taking a piece of me away with it. It came during tough times, like transitions in high school and college. It also came in great times that should have been celebrated. It came back whenever it felt like it, never giving me warning that it was coming.

As an adult, it feels harder to face the depression when it comes. I have built up this idea in my head that depression is my weakness, my kryptonite. I have never seen it that way in anybody else, but for me, my inability to push through and be strong leaves me feeling so terribly disappointed in myself. As the ebb and flow of depression hits, I find myself hiding from the rest of the world. I put on the strong, happy façade and wait alone for it to subside again. How can I explain to those around me that although my life is wonderful, I can't muster up the joy and excitement I should have? How do openly share the feelings of emptiness that I have without sounding ungrateful for what I have?

So, through the years, I have battled depression on my own, only letting my husband and maybe my parents see the struggle. But even then, I'm not sure I was ever fully honest. My silence came at a price... It has led me to feel isolated, misunderstood and alone. None of those feelings ever helps depression. It only feeds into it. God and I have spent hours together, with me pleading for him to fix me, to take this away from me.

Over the past several months, my depression came on full force. The small, nagging little moments of blah have turned into a deep, painful emptiness once again. Days turned into weeks. Weeks turned into months. The couch and I became one... I didn't sleep well. I ate all the things I shouldn't eat, and in large doses.

I would love to say that this time was situational, that some thing or things triggered it. But, when it hit, there was nothing different. I was living a great life with a loving husband, amazing boys, a good job and a business that was succeeding. No trauma, no real stress (besides normal day to day stuff), no big event. The depression came for no reason. As I left it there, unaddressed, it became bigger and bigger. It began to interfere with day to day life. My motivation was gone, and the once super productive me turned into a blob on the couch. I would do what had to be done, I would go where I had to go. I had no other options, but to keep doing what had to be done. My guys were depending on me.

What I didn't do right away was reach out... I didn't reach out to my closest friends. I didn't talk about what was going on. I was ashamed to say that I had succumbed to depression yet again. I was afraid someone would roll their eyes at me and say, "UGH! Again?" The reality is that NONE of that would have happened. Those closest to me would have wrapped their arms around me, prayed with me, and would have just loved on me. My fears, my perceptions were just that... MINE. I allowed myself to believe things that weren't true. I denied the people I love the most the opportunity to love me and support me when I needed them most.

I can tell you now that I am in the upswing of things... I started on medication to help me, as well as processing and talking with those who can help me. This morning I said to my husband that I am actually starting to feel like myself again. 

As I am beginning to feel more like myself, I am coming to the realization that my journey, even the ugly parts, should be shared. Partly for me, but partly for those who might feel as I do. Depression is ugly, mean, and down right dirty. It doesn't play fair. It's end goal is to diminish the people that we are for no reason but because it can. The only way to beat it, the only way to one-up it, is to be honest about it. We can't fight things we aren't willing to address. Others can't help us fight when they don't know.

It's hard, people. Really hard. The emptiness, the pain, the loneliness can all feel too hard to bear. But we serve a loving God who promises to always be there, even in the depths of despair. He provides us a loving community to support us, to love on us, and to speak the truth when we can no longer feel it. He also provides us professionals who can work through the junk in a way that family and friends cannot. He even provides the scientific break throughs that bring us medication to help when talking isn't enough.

We aren't alone in this... EVER.