When Fear is at the Forefront

If you can believe, the summer is slowly ending which means a brand new school year is upon us! In the Schussler household, that's a BIG deal! My five guys all get excited about returning to school. Don't get me wrong, they also LOVE summer! Between birthdays, day trips, camping, and our annual trip to Ocean City, NJ, our summer has been packed with fun times. But, there's something so familiar and comfortable with the school year. Our routine is more structured, the boys see their friends way more, and their insatiable hunger for learning can actually be fed!! (Not to mention, this Mama gets a little quiet time every so often!)

Sunset in Ocean City, NJ

This year brings us a 7th grader, 5th grader, 4th grader, and 2nd grader, which is just unbelievable! This Thursday, our baby will be turning 8 and just last week our oldest turned 12!!!! I don't remember ever agreeing to all of this growing up stuff!

I wish I could tell you that I am truly excited about this year... I wish I could tell you that because we have been sending these crazy monkeys off to school for what seems like FOREVER that it's easier this year. But this year seems harder. Everything has seemed harder. You see, our second oldest son Tyler has been struggling for the last 6 months or so with extreme, debilitating fear. He has always been our nervous one, ever cautious when trying new things or experiencing new sounds. He has never liked dogs barking or alarms going off, and will be the first one to plug his ears over almost every noise. We have always understood it to just be part of his Autism Spectrum package... 

But, things have gone way past his normal nervousness. This summer, we watched him burrow under towels on the beach sobbing because it was windy. He has curled up in a ball under a picnic table refusing to eat because of the wind. He almost refused to go on the Guys' annual camping trip because he was so afraid that it would be windy. We have seen him cower in a corner because of our ferrets. He freezes when around dogs (even dogs he knows well). He absolutely refuses to go outside if he sees any flying bugs. 

We have no idea where this has come from, especially his extreme fear of the wind. Up until this summer, he loved the beach. He loved playing in the water, but more so playing in the sand. Of all the days we were on the beach, he only played in the sand one time, and that was after A LOT of coaxing.  

We have a plan of attack for this. We are reaching out to get help through a counselor, and will certainly do whatever we need to help him. But, it leaves me feeling helpless. Because in 3 weeks, he will be returning to school, where some days, the wind will blow at recess. And 5th grade teachers aren't going to be very understanding of the 10 year old boy clinging to them while his peers are playing (or possibly making fun of him). Bees and flies will surely fly past him the first few weeks of school. And there isn't much I can do to help him work through it. And that's hard as a mama. Feeling helpless is such a horrible feeling!

Watching Tyler regress and watching him struggle so deeply with his fears has me thinking a lot about my own fears. How many times have I allowed my fear to command my every move? How many times have I missed out of things I would have liked because of fear?

I have worked through a lot of my fears and have overcome a good many of them. But, there are a few underlying fears that still have a hold on me... My fear of failure certainly holds me back from really succeeding. BUT, my fear of succeeding controls me even more. My fears keep me from really embracing who I am, who I want to be, and really, who God has created me to be. 

As Tyler works on learning how to overcome his fears, I, too, will be working on overcoming mine. Because, we both have too much life to live to let fear get the best of us.

I Wouldn't Want It Any Different

And here we are again: tomorrow is March 27th. Every year is different. Last year I wrote about how no matter how hard today is, tomorrow always comes. It's now been 11 years and yes, many tomorrows have come. The deep heartache and sorrow have slowly been replaced with a quiet sadness and anticipation for the day that I will get to meet my daughter. I remember her and the journey every day, but March 27th still hits me hard. The memories are more vivid, the feelings more raw. But this year, something is different...

We were sitting around the dinner table one night last week, and somehow we started talking about Sammy. With the boys being older now, they have more questions than we have answers. "Why did God take her home?" "Did you get to see her and hold her?" "What was wrong with her?" But one question really got me thinking... "Would Tyler be here if Sammy had lived?" That then led to, "Would Zachary and Benjamin be here, too?"

I never thought about it. I never once thought about how different life would be IF Sammy had lived. My answer was not confident... "I don't think Tyler would be here. I would have still been pregnant with Sammy during the time I got pregnant with Tyler. And, I don't know if we would have had Zach and Ben." Tyler's response was something along the lines of "I'm sad for Sammy but I am very happy for me!"  And I realized I felt the same way.

After that conversation with the boys, I started really thinking about how different things would have been. And I found myself being grateful that things worked out the way they did. I LOVE my life. I LOVE my boys. I cannot fathom life any differently. Who would I be without the journey I've been on? Who would I be without the life lessons from Tyler? I have learned more about God and His love for me through Tyler than anyone else.

Are there days I wish I could have known Sammy? ABSOLUTELY! Are there days when I wonder what it would be like to have a daughter? SURE! But, everyday, I am so grateful for the four boys who make my life full and crazy and wonderful!

I miss Sammy deeply. But this year, rather than focusing on what I lost, I want to focus on what I gained. Focusing on the loss doesn't bring her back. It doesn't change what is. But, focusing on what I have and what I will have brings joy and delight into my life. And, I am pretty sure that's how Sammy would want it.

11 years is a long time to miss your child. It's a long time to crave just one glimpse of who she is, what she looks like. But 11 years is also a wonderful time of memories with those who are here. 11 years of silliness and giggles, stories and adventures, cuddles and kisses. I wake up every morning to Tyler's long winded explanations of things I do not understand, knowing that I would miss that if it weren't a part of my life. I listen to the constant chatter between Ben and Zach, reminding myself that this is how it should be.

11 years ago, God knew better than I did... He knew the life He wanted for me and for my family. Despite the pain and grief and deep sorrow that came with the loss of Sammy, I am forever grateful for the life He has given us. God knew better then, and He still knows better now. Even when I don't understand!

Submit, Love, Honor, Respect Revisited

I wrote the following post three years ago, just as we were about to celebrate our 10th anniversary. We, as a married couple, had faced a good bit in 10 years. We had four babies in four years, the loss of a baby, a massive home renovation, job changes, major surgeries for me. And yet it was, and still is, the little things that cause us to struggle the most. It’s the daily “annoyances” that cause me to lose my cool. It’s the little habits that make me want to scream. It’s the day to day grind that leaves me not “feeling” like loving, submitting, honoring and respecting. But, it doesn’t matter if I feel like it... it is what I was called to do when I married Kevin, and it is still what God calls me to do every day.

When I said "I do" I had no idea how amazing AND how hard things would be. Some of the hardest things for me throughout these 10 years fall under these four words: Submit... Honor... Love... Respect... 

Yep, all four words should be not only in our vocabulary, but in our hearts and in our actions, especially if we are wives. But, they aren't exactly the easiest things to do. Sure, to show love can be easy, particularly when we FEEL love. It becomes more challenging when that wonderful, mushy feeling isn't there anymore.

Respect can be relatively easy, too. Most of us are taught to be respectful at an early age, and so we have that skill set engrained in us. In the real world, we have learned to respect people, even if we may not agree with them. Respecting our husbands when we don't agree with them is a tad bit harder.

Honor and submission, I think, are the two hardest things to do as a wife. Honoring my husband doesn't just mean during times when I like him. Or when I agree with him. Or when I think he's the most amazing man in the world. Nope, honoring him must still be done when I don't like him. And when I don't agree with him. And, even when he's being a dingdong. We are called to honor our husbands by God. Honoring our husbands honors God. Honor is a VERB, it calls us to action. It requires intentionality.

Then there's the whole submitting thing. I have heard SO many women try to argue that in this day and age we shouldn't be submitting to our husbands. That it's antiquated and some even believe it's some form of us being slaves to our husbands. But here's the thing, God isn't calling us to be slaves to our husbands... He's calling us to do so much more! In Ephesians 5:22-24 (MSG), it says 

"Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ. The husband provides leadership to his wife the way Christ does to his church, not by domineering but by cherishing. So just as the church submits to Christ as he exercises such leadership, wives should likewise submit to their husbands."  (HUSBANDS you should note that there's work for you too! Continue reading the next couple verses!)

I LOVE this! It clearly states that we are to understand and support our husbands... He is our leader, the head of the household. We need to support him (even when we don't always agree). We need to understand him, and if we don't we need to continue to try to understand him. Submitting isn't about saying, "Yes, Master!" "Whatever you say, Master!" "What is your bidding, Master?" (We are not slaves or droids.) Submitting is about abiding to him and his needs, thoughts, desires... 

Loving, respecting, honoring and submitting to our husbands isn't about feelings. Sure, when we FEEL great and wonderful things for our husbands, it's a lot easier to be and do those things. But, we are not to be fair-weather wives. We still need to love and respect, honor and submit, even when we don't WANT to. (Insert stomping of feet!) 

This is where it becomes HARD. This is where our intentions and our attitudes greatly affect our actions. My attitude tends to get in the way of a lot of things, and this area of being a wife is NO exception. When I think I am right, I AM right. What I think is best to do, IS best. But here's the thing, sometimes what I think is right, what I think is best, does NOT feel right to my husband. Sometimes, I have to put my stubbornness aside and say, "I can't move on this unless Kevin is also on board. And since he's not, then I have to support his feelings." (NOT EASY TO DO, by the way!) 

But it's not just about "giving in" or surrendering. It's about changing your heart from "fine, have it your way" (with a snotty tone included) to "I love you, and I don't want to force you into something you're not comfortable with." I can tell you from recent experience that the "fine, have it your way" is FAR from being respectful and honoring. It cuts deep in your husband's heart, and everyone around you can see your stinky attitude.

I know I won't always agree with my husband. After almost 10 years of marriage, I have learned that we do NOT see eye to eye on a good bit of things. He is not always the most attentive, caring, and giving man (but, hey, I am far from perfect, too). He is not always right. But how I treat him is not dependent on any of that. It's dependent on the fact that almost 10 years ago, I vowed to love him and honor him in all the great stuff AND in all the not so great stuff. It's not dependent on how I FEEL about him at that moment. It's dependent on the fact that I am called by God to love him, to respect him, to honor him, and to submit to him.

Let your LOVE, your RESPECT, your HONOR, and your SUBMISSION be VERBS, not just nouns. Let your heart and mind shift from what he is or isn't doing for you to what you can be doing for him. Keep your heart focused on what God is calling YOU to do, and let God and your husband work on your husband's stuff.

What We Don't Need As Parents...

It's March... I can't believe it's March! I have noticed how time seems to be flying faster than it used to. As I have gotten older, time slips through my fingers so much faster...

I've been thinking a lot about parenting and how hard it can be. As I am typing, I am sitting next to our youngest, Ben, who is recovering from being sick. Watching him tire so quickly makes my heart sad. The boy that has energy to spare barely could muster up the energy to play his favorite video game. It's looking like a short lived bug, but this Mama wishes I could make it disappear. I know there are many parents who feel the same way right now...

There is nothing more a parent hates than to see their child suffer, whether it be physically or emotionally! But, I have found something else that I very much DISLIKE as a parent and that's the judgement and opinions that seem to so easily flow out of people's mouths. SO many people feel they have the right to share their opinions on how we as parents parent. SO many people feel they have the right to judge the way we parent, giving unapproving glances and whispering their thoughts to those around them. But, they don't... We don't.

Parenting is HARD. SUPER HARD. We question EVERYTHING we do. Are we promoting independence at the right age? Are we being stern enough when needed? Are we showing enough grace? Are our children eating the right food? Are we shaping our children to become contributing members of society or are we raising boomerang children who will manage to make their way back into our house when they are grown?

So many questions, so many doubts... AND other people's judgments and opinions do not help us. Don't get me wrong, my husband and I have a few close people that we bounce ideas off of and sort through some of the hardest times of parenting. We value those opinions from those closest to us greatly. What we struggle with are the opinions from those we have not been invited into our struggles. We do not wish to hear from the lady at Walmart who believes that time-outs are inappropriate to give in the store. We do not need the unsolicited advice on what WE should do to fix the craziness of having four boys. And, I KNOW that you all feel the same way!!

So, why do we do it to others? Why do I find myself judging the mom with the screaming child in the aisle of the grocery store? How many times have you done the same? Or maybe expressed your thoughts to another parent when you weren't asked?

We are not called to judge other parents. We are not called to criticize other parents. We are called to raise each other up. We are called to find ways to BUILD EACH OTHER UP.

What if we encouraged the mom with the screaming child by reminding her "this too shall pass"? What if we could wrap the struggling parent with words of kindness and encouragement? What if we asked parents we know HOW we could pray for them?

I can tell you what would happen: we'd have a lot more confident, supported parents. We'd have parents who weren't so afraid to "do the wrong thing". We'd have parents who would learn that they aren't alone. They would have freedom to share the hard times and know they won't be judged (because we struggle with the same things).

How will you help RAISE A PARENT UP? How can you help create an environment for tired, struggling parents that leave them feeling loved and accepted?

Overcome by Doubt...

It's been quite a while since I last wrote on here... I'd love to say it's just because I've been super busy and haven't had a moment to sit and write. BUT, that wouldn't be true. At all. I've had the time, but to be completely honest with you, I have been afraid to write. I've been afraid to post. I have always been honest on here, and I was not in a place where I was ready to be completely honest about the things I've been thinking about and processing. God's been calling me to write for quite a while, and after much disputing with Him about it, I have come to the realization that He's right... It's time to write. It's time to process. It's time to be real.

Before anyone panics, WE ARE ALL FINE AND HEALTHY! The boys are amazing and doing a fantastic job in school. Kevin is still loving his job teaching and has been amazing being him. Those beautiful faces in the picture above are still proving to me how much God loves me EVERY SINGLE DAY.

It's not about them... it's about me. It's about the doubts and fears that have seemed to swarm me lately. My doubts as a mom, as a wife, as a friend, as a human in general. I have battled with questions of worth and value and the purpose God has for me. I have felt like a nobody, believing that I can easily be replaced in my job and in friendships. Every single thing I would do left me wondering if it was the right thing to do. Was it best for my family, for my job? Would someone else make a better decision? I have spent many hours pleading with God to show me His plan for me, to show me WHY I am where I am doing what I am doing... But, I couldn't hear him. I couldn't see what He was showing me.

You see, I have always had doubts. I think all humans have doubts. We see other people who we think are better, thinner, smarter, etc. and we believe that they have more to offer the world than we do. But, my doubts go further than just the whole "the grass is greener on the other side" mentality. My doubts make me question myself as a mom. It goes as far as thinking that the boys deserve a better mom. A smarter mom. A different mom. A mom I could never be.

I doubt myself as a daughter and as a sister. Am I attentive enough to my parents? Am I caring enough to my sister? In her time of grief, have I been supportive enough?

The doubt creeps into my friendships. Am I too clingy? Do I show enough concern? Am I fun enough? Would they miss me if we didn't see other for a long time?

The worst doubts for me lately have been surrounding my work at church. I run a Special Needs Ministry, where I spend hours every week focusing on ensuring that individuals and families affected by Special Needs feel God's love and are reminded that they all were made on purpose with a purpose. I work with an amazing team of people who love our ministry with all of their heart. I doubt if I should be leading the team. I doubt if I am good enough for the ministry, for the families, for the church. And yet, in all of the doubt, I KNOW God has called me to be where I am. Which then leaves me feeling like I am failing, because I don't feel like I am living up to what God (or the church) really wants of me.

I have to admit, it's embarrassing to share all of this. It's hard to think about the fact that many of you will be reading this and might be thinking, "Pull yourself together, lady!" Others might think less of me because I am not the confident person many think I am.

And, it's okay. Because, despite the doubts and fears and questions, I have continued to get up every morning. I have continued to fight hard to hear the truth. I have struggled to clear away the doubts and focus on what God says to all of this. I am slowly learning to embrace the fact that God truly wants me right where I am, doing what I am doing. And, I am learning to take the flaws (the MANY flaws) that I see in myself and let them go. I have truly worked on the flaws that needed to be fixed, and now I just need to embrace ME for ME.

I wish I could snap my fingers and make my doubts go away. I wish after ALL THESE YEARS that I didn't struggle so much with this. But, I do and it can't be fixed with the snap of my fingers or the click of my heels. All I can do is continue to fight the doubts and hold on to the truth. And remind myself daily that I, too, was created on purpose with a purpose.

Be The Gold in this Broken Time

The past few months have brought devastation to close family, friends, strangers, cities, and countries. We have watched day after day as natural disasters, cancer, sickness, and evil wreak havoc on the world we know and love. And, as I have been desperately trying to process my own feelings, I am left feeling so unbelievably heart broken. Our world around us is crumbling, literally and figuratively. Evil is finding news ways to rear it's ugly head, and we are left to pick up the pieces. And sometimes, we're left in a place where the pieces may never be truly picked up.

I am deeply saddened by all the deaths and devastation that have occurred. I am angry and frustrated over humans killing humans. I am moved to tears by those living in unlivable places. But, I am even more so heart broken and am in disbelief by the response to all of this devastation.

With the hurricanes that ripped through entire islands and cities, what I see most on Facebook is what the President isn't doing. Or name calling. Or political mumbo jumbo that ultimately means nothing in the face of the devastation for the people who have lost everything. YES, I see great people stepping in and providing help. YES, I know there are amazing things being pulled together to make things better for these people. BUT, what the news covers, what Facebook shows, what I hear people talking about most are the failures of such and such or so and so.

When Las Vegas faced a mass shooting of evil proportions just two days ago, what I heard most was how guns need to be banned and how the NRA is bad. And of course, there was a lot of speculation about the shooter and his evil ways. I am sure over the next several days we will hear differing theories on why this man (a human like you and me) snapped and how we can blame the NRA, satan, aliens and the President (current and past) for this one man's decision to massacre innocent people.

I believe there should be anger. I believe there should be frustration. I believe the pain we are feeling needs to be processed. But, I also believe the anger, frustration, and pain should not be turned into political warfare. I believe blaming, name calling, shaming, disrespect have no place in our homes and in our country right now. We all are too raw from our pain and heart brokenness to effectively make the changes we so desperately want to make. The devastation is too big to make such BIG decisions on topics such as law and policy changes. And an expectation for the political realm to make such changes immediately only leads to more frustration and anger. (Because we all know that any big change moves slower than molasses!)

We all need to take a moment and do some triage... Take stock in what needs to happen immediately. Figure out what we can do to HELP right now. Will my actions help? Or will they only feed the flames? Then, we can start to think and pray about ways we can help lead with positive change. Whether it's signing a petition or writing our Representative or setting up a long term relief program for those affected by the hurricanes. Whatever it is, lead with integrity and maturity and respect.

Japan has an amazing tradition that has fascinated me over the past few months. When a bowl or dish or cup breaks, rather than picking up the pieces and throwing them away, they glue the pieces back together. But, they don't use ugly super glue. Rather, they use gold to carefully hold things together. When everything is dry, you see a beautiful piece of art work. The broken pieces together with the gold share a story of not only brokenness but shares a much bigger story of healing.

Yes, they could absolutely use super glue to hold it all together. Super glue would certainly serve it's function. BUT, it's ugly and bumpy and when all is said and done, not many people would really see beauty in the final healing. Rather, the gold not only serves the function of putting it back together, it provides a beauty that ADDS to the dish. It takes something broken and gives it's cracks beauty.

Let's be the gold during this time of extreme brokenness. Let's help put the pieces back in such a way that people see the beauty in healing (and in the process of healing). Let's put aside differences and opinions and come together to show how rich, deep beauty can shine even in the most broken of worlds. Push aside your desire to blame, shame, name call, etc, and be the beauty. God has given us so many amazing qualities as humans, let's use them to shine.

The Journey

The boys are well into their new school year and I am learning to embrace the quiet that comes with them being in school. The silence is no longer deafening, however it can be a little uncomfortable. It's been rather eye-opening for me these past couple weeks, as I am discovering things about myself and about my journey that I never noticed before. So, today I thought I would share some of those things with you...

A couple days ago, I was talking with some people about life and how fast the boys have grown and all of the typical surface type conversational topics. At some point in the conversation, one person was talking about the hardships of raising a child who has been affected by Special Needs. She was sharing about the emotional roller coaster she's been on and how tired she is. I gave an empathetic response, and she said to me, "You don't really understand. Your boys are great."

That comment felt like a sucker punch to the stomach. I didn't know how to respond. I didn't know what to say to her. I don't understand?!? She is right, I don't understand her exact situation. But, boy do I understand the emotional roller coaster. I understand the sleepless nights, the fear, the confusion. I know first hand the grief that comes with facing a diagnosis, with knowing that my child will never be like the other kids. I couldn't quite pull my internal thoughts and feelings together in time to respond to her, but it stuck with me...

In my almost 37 years of existence, I have experienced a lot. And, although I tend to put up a façade in public (because not everybody needs to know my struggles), it's been a wild, crazy and tough journey. I wake up every day in pain from a stupid thing called Fibromyalgia. I have been waking up that way for over 20 years now. The struggle to get to the shower is real EVERY DAY. No one sees it because by the time I am dressed and ready for my day I have done what I need to do to pull it together. But that doesn't mean I don't understand what it's like to struggle daily in pain and exhaustion.

I have experienced grief in a multitude of ways. I have lost three grandparents. I have lost a daughter. I have mourned the loss of the life I thought Tyler would have because of Autism. My life has been torn apart by the unexpected actions of a friend. These are all things that my journey has brought.

There have been surgeries, sickness, and other health issues. There has been counseling and spiritual direction. There's been doubts in my faith, doubts in my marriage, and certainly doubts in myself. To this day I struggle with the doubts in myself.

And when it comes to parenting, the journey is NEVER easy. Just this morning, I snapped at my seven year old over something really insignificant. I made him cry. And as I hugged him and apologized, I felt like the worst parent ever. I don't fully know what other parents are going through. But, I know their journey is tough in their own way.

I guess in all the rambling I am trying to get to the point... In a way, the woman was right. I don't really "understand" her exact situation. But what I do understand is that this journey is hard. And my hard, although different from yours, is HARD. To me. And your hard is hard to you.

Rather than spending our time finding the differences in our hardships, I think life would be easier if we could find the commonalities. Grief is grief. Betrayal is betrayal. Pain is pain. Although the situations differ, the gut wrenching, heart breaking, defeating feelings feel the same.

The old saying about walking a mile in someone else's shoes might not be possible, but it certainly is possible to take a step back and try to hear someone's heart and their story. For me, listening to moms talk of the struggle to get their one or two children out the door on time tends to lead me to thoughts of "you should try having four!" That's NOT what I should be thinking. Rather, I should be thinking of ways to encourage them. Because in that moment, their journey is hard.

My journey has been hard, and it continues to be hard. The hardship leads to empathy and a true understanding of how others feel. YOUR journey, being full of hardship, leads you to a place of understanding as well. We can take what we have experienced, what we have felt, and use it to support others. We can use it to build people up, rather than to compare and make others feel like their journey isn't as hard as others (when to them it is the hardest thing they've ever experienced).

Listen to people... Listen to them share about their journey. Share in the emotions, the feelings, the pain and grief, and joy and excitement. EVERYBODY is on a journey. Let's spend less time comparing and more time supporting. Let's care less about who has had a tougher life and more time focused on how to make other lives better.