Unexpected Lessons Learned When I Say YES

A couple months ago I had been asked to speak at the Ladies' Retreat at our church. I wasn't expecting to be asked, and was certainly surprised that they wanted ME to speak. I could have listed a dozen women who would have made better speakers than me. BUT, I have learned over the years that God has different thoughts and plans, so I begrudgingly said yes. What I didn't know then was the impact that saying yes would have on me.

I spent the past couple months in preparation for the "big event", which was this past Friday and Saturday. Lots of prayer and planning went into my presentation on Joy in Jesus. LOTS of deleting and second guessing the material. LOTS of moments where I wanted to back out... Not because I was afraid of public speaking, but because I was afraid they chose the wrong person. I was afraid that I had nothing to offer the 70 some women and young ladies that were planning on attending. Whenever I started feeling that slight sense of fear, I'd remember that God can use anything to reach His children. I kept going back to Him in prayer, saying, "I don't know what you have planned. I don't know what you're doing. But, use me in whatever way you see fit." 

As the final week of preparation arrived, excitement and nerves came in waves. My slides were ready. My heart was ready. My head, not so much! The lies Satan told me during the days leading up to the event were strong. I held to the truths I know from God, but man did I question what I was thinking when I said yes. 

Friday night came, and the first speaker took the stage. She's a wonderful lady who has spent decades as a missionary in Latin America. She spoke so eloquently from the Bible. She knew the Bible inside and out. And as I watched and listened, I began to hear Satan tell me ALL the ways I wasn't like her. How I would never know the Bible like her. How I could never be as poised as she was. I went to bed that night terrified that I was the wrong person to be speaking...

The second speaker spoke Saturday morning, and I found myself freaking out even more. She, too, knew the Bible so well. Her method of teaching was much more put together and prepared than mine. My rough outline and slides approach certainly was NOT the same as either woman who had already presented. The panic rose inside me. Was my way going to scare people away? Would I sound less biblical? Would people realize how much I don't know? Will I make people seasick from my pacing on stage? Could God really use me to reach them? Would my presentation get me kicked out of the church? (Yes, that's a highly irrational thought and NO, on any other day I would not think that. BUT, Satan had really been trying to ensure that God did NOT shine through me that day.)

And as I sat there freaking out, a close friend reminded me of all the ways God makes us different. And how there are different ways to present because there are different types of people, all of whom learn and hear things differently. The table of women I sat with encouraged me to remember that God can use me no matter what. I pulled myself together. I pulled my thoughts back to God and told Satan to buzz off. 

When it came time for me to present, I left God in charge. I followed my slides (and my very rough outline) and let God do the rest. Much of the 2 hours is a blur to me... I'm not 100% sure of what I said, but I know people laughed and cried. I know during the two music videos I showed, the room filled with not only the voices on the videos, but the beautiful voices of the women sitting at the tables. I know God did His thing. And, even if NO other person was touched during that time, I know one person who definitely was... ME. Not by what I said, but how God taught me way more than I could have taught others.

As I have spent time processing that day (and the days leading up to that day), I am surprised at how much God has taught me. I have spent a lot of time thinking about how silly I was for freaking out over being different. He uses ALL of us. He made me the way I am to reach people who might not be reached in other ways. There were so many ways I could see Him in the whole process. And my doubt in His ability to use me has been replaced with utter amazement over how He can use little ol' me to teach ME a lesson or two! 

I have thought a lot about flowers... There are a lot of beautiful flowers in this world, and each one is as different as the next one. You have roses in a full array of colors. Irises are so tall and regal, while poppies are bright and fun. My favorite flowers, tulips, are so colorful and light (almost dainty) versus large sunflowers that hover above you. Each flower is pretty. Each flower is appreciated. Some people love roses, others tulips. It doesn't change their beauty just because they're different. Rather, it makes them special... We humans are the same. And I need to remember that often!

For the past several years, I've had this seemingly BIG (and unrealistic) dream to do speaking engagements on the lessons God has taught me and on parenting. If I'm being honest, my ultimate dream is to be the "Dave Ramsey of parenting". (If you don't know who Dave Ramsey, he's the guy who started Financial Peace University.) I never, EVER thought it would ever be more than a dream. I don't know if it will ever come to fruition. But what I do know is that this Saturday proved to me that some of the things holding me back from pursuing that dream shouldn't be holding me back. Those fears of not being someone else will continue to bubble up, but God keeps reminding me how He never wanted me to be like anyone else in the first place. No matter what comes of things, I will work towards embracing me for me and allow God to shine through me in whatever way He deems necessary. I will be a confident tulip, even if I'm in a field of sunflowers!

The Other Influences (and why a tribe is necessary!)

Warning to ALL parents of young children: this too will be you some day! Read this post with understanding that every phase of parenting is a challenge AND every phase is also amazing!! It really just depends on the day as to which side you sway to!

Our household has been changing over the last couple years. We have moved from the crazy phase of baby/toddlerhood to the cute and inquisitive elementary and now into the attitudey "you don't know anything" pre-teen/teenage phase. Our youngest (THANKFULLY) is still the cute, inquisitive 10 year old, but let me tell you, the other three are definitely in the throws of the dreaded pre-teen/teenage phase! We are now in a place where we are praying that at least some of the stuff we taught them over their first decade or so STUCK, because they aren't hearing us now! It has become quite apparent that our influence is currently not the same as it used to be. And, even though I knew it was coming, it's way harder than I was expecting!

Our oldest son Patrick turned 14 back in July, and he has been our guinea pig since day one. Many of our parenting fails fell on him. And, they still do. We've never had a teenager before him. We've never dealt with the weird and awkward happenings of a teenage boy. Every "normal" developmental experience with him is new and scary and sometimes sad. He has struggled with school, not because it's hard, but because it's too easy. He's struggled with motivation. He's struggled with organization. All of these things made BIGGER because of the teenage-ness happening inside him. After years of trying to help him, I came to the realization I no longer had any helpful impact on him. I was just like the adults in any Charlie Brown cartoon... "Blah blah blah!" So, we reached out to his teachers, and magically, they were able to help him make adjustments which changed his trajectory. They didn't say anything new. NOTHING! It was everything I had been saying for years. BUT, it came from other people and suddenly sounded like sage, wise advice!

I could handle that. It was in the academic world. I think it's great that his teachers could work together to help him. I found it almost funny that years of me saying something sounded new and almost exciting when said by someone NOT me.

It wasn't so funny when the same kind of thing happened this weekend, only on a personal/spiritual level... While on our church's youth retreat, Patrick had an amazing, transformational moment. He was convicted by the preaching and reached out to the pastor and some leaders. The counsel they gave him, the prayers they prayed impacted Patrick and helped him mature as a Christian. They told him all the things I have been telling him for years, but he never really heard. He came home changed, not because of me, but because of them. And it made me sad. A huge moment in his young life wasn't impacted by the counsel of his mom, but by other people. 

Intellectually, I knew this would happen. I knew as the boys grew and matured that my influence would be less and less, and the influence of those around them would grow. And yet it still made me sad. I sat with the sadness for a little while. I wanted to be able to mourn the loss of the little boy that Patrick no longer is. As I sat in my sadness for that short time, a new feeling began to replace the sadness. It was pride... I am so unbelievably proud of Patrick for reaching out to the people he trusts. I am proud of the young man he is becoming and of the fact he is seeking to overcome the struggles he's having. 

There was also a level of gratitude for the pastor and the young leaders that counseled Patrick that night, and will continue to pour into him over the next few years. THEY are the tribe we have always wanted for our boys. They stepped up at the exact moment that Patrick needed them, when Kevin and I no longer can reach him like we used to. They will continue to disciple him, counsel him, and love on him. As a parent, it is so comforting to know that when our boys won't come to us, they have a tribe of people they can go to that we trust. 

Parents: there will come a day (if it hasn't already) that your children will not see you quite in the same light as they did when they were five. You will not be their everything forever. Who do you want them to go to when they won't go to you? Who do you want in your tribe? It's hard to think about our children not being able to come to us, but it will happen... If you had to choose people instead of you, who would they be? 

The Interesting Ways God Works!

Have you ever wondered what God is thinking as He watches us all flounder around through life? Do you wonder if He chuckles at us over the silly things we do? I often picture God like a dad... Someone who sits back and becomes highly amused by my antics. You know, the kind of dad that watches his daughter or son toddle around and says "that's gonna hurt" when they fall down? We have all been made in HIS image, which makes me believe that He has to have a great sense of humor. 

I've been thinking a lot about God and who He is and how He does things. I sometimes am amazed at the little ways He weaves things together at just the right time to "prove" He's with me and is FOR me. When I am intentional about keeping my eyes on Him, I get to see these glimpses of just how much He knows me and the things I need. Here is the most recent example:

As I have written about before, things haven't exactly been the easiest lately. My head has not been in the greatest of spaces and I definitely have NOT been the most pleasant of people to be around. I was starting to find less and less blessings and more and more negative things. God had a plan to turn things around... It wasn't until today that I realized how He was working.

A few weeks ago, I was asked to speak at our church's women's retreat in February. It seemed a little out of the blue to me, as I've only been attending the church for just under 6 months. But, I agreed to speak and was given a choice to speak on Abiding in Christ or Joy in Jesus. I went with Joy in Jesus because that's what I felt God urging me to pick. 

Over the next couple of weeks, I started planning what I would be talking about, reading a lot of Bible verses and looking through books on JOY. I have listened to a lot of stories women ( and some men) who found joy in Jesus in amongst their hard times. I watched MANY YouTube videos of Chonda Pierce (a Christian comedienne) who suffered great loss and yet found laughter in her darkness. As I have been working on the session I will be teaching, I have found myself more joy-filled. More at peace. With more hope. My attitude is changed. And what once felt like drowning seems so much more manageable. I have smiled more, laughed more. There's been a little extra pep in my step. NOTHING on the outside has changed. I am still balancing the boys' needs and my self doubts and the pandemic and a multitude of other things. BUT, the inside has changed immensely. 

God knew what I needed. He knew just how to make it happen. How interesting it is that He orchestrates even the little things. We as humans often learn the best when we have to teach it to others. I am definitely no different... preparing to teach on joy only helped me learn how to find and keep joy in my heart. I am so grateful that He works even in the little things!

I want to leave you with a quote from back of one of the books I have been looking through on joy. It struck me and has stuck with me... 

"Joy is meant to be ours, a joy that is defiant in the face of this broken world. This joy is not simply happiness on steroids; it's the unyielding belief that sorrow and loss do not have the final say. It's stubborn determination to be present to whatever may come and to interpret both goodness and grief by the light of heaven." Stasi Eldredge, Defiant Joy

The FACADE is Crumbling...

Disclaimer: This is a very honest post... It's intent is just to express what I am thinking and feeling. I have always been (and will always be) open about the things I think and feel in hopes that it helps others know they're not alone... I am very much aware that what I FEEL is not always REALITY, and that I cannot fully trust the feelings I have. BUT, I also cannot discount them. I face them head on and always rely on God's truth to help sort things out.

I am drowning. There's no other way to describe it than that I am drowning. The sea of events and emotions and thoughts have overtaken me, and my "fake it 'til I make it" attitude is getting harder to maintain. I can feel myself cracking under the pressures of everyday life, and you throw in a pandemic and uncertainties about school/work for our family, and I seriously feel like I am going to lose it. 

The person most people see is a strong, confident woman who has everything under control. In reality, I am crumbling under the weight of life and bear no resemblance to the facade I portray. I don't know what I'm doing... I don't know how to help my boys as they struggle with school. I spend so much time trying to help them maneuver through tough choices and negative feelings about school, and yet I feel like we are getting no where. 

I question my parenting as I witness my oldest crying because of school issues and my 11 year old act so rude and ungrateful towards us. "What am I missing?" is a regular question I ask in our house. I don't understand my boys. I don't know how a boy thinks. And it shows. They're growing up, which is amazing for them! But as they grow up, they are no longer needing me as much. They need their dad. They need the men in our tribe that we have built. I truly believe that we could go days in our house with me hiding somewhere, and no one would be bothered by that. Their attention and energy all go to my husband, because Dad is cool. Me, not so much... I'm just mom.

I question everyday if my choice to work, or where to work, is the right one. The boys aren't really get 100% of me, and I worry that working is hindering them. And then there's the whole idea of subbing. I want so badly to make a difference, and to be an excellent teacher while I'm there. But, I find myself feeling insecure and unsure that I am actually being helpful or effective. I LOVE where I sub. I LOVE the students and the teachers. But every day I feel nauseous as I head to school because I'm scared I will mess up or that I won't know what I'm doing. And most days I leave wondering if I made a difference or if I totally screwed up what I was supposed to teach. (In case you didn't know, I am NOT, nor ever have been, a certified teacher. I am not even sure how I was allowed to sub in the first place!) I want to be more than a place holder or just a "breathing body"... I want the students to feel safe and secure when their regular teachers are out. I want the teachers to be able to know their students are well cared for. And it wouldn't hurt if the students actually learned things, too!

I question my abilities as a wife and a friend. I make our marriage hard. I make it hard for Kevin to live with me. Not intentionally, but just by being me. I am emotional and difficult to understand. My lack of energy and constant hurting leaves Kevin the majority of the housework. My insecurities and needs cause a good bit of chaos.

I am not doing so great as a friend, either. I have not been good at keeping in touch or making time. My own little world feels so overwhelming that I have allowed it to get in the way of being emotionally there for them. I feel like what little energy and emotional capacity I have is being sucked up by the four boys in my house. And I don't like it. I miss my friends. A LOT!

I question as to where I fit in in our new church. The boys and Kevin have settled in so nicely and I still don't know where I belong. The church is AMAZING, and I am so happy we started attending there. But I don't know what I should be doing there. I don't know how my gifts will fit in with what's there (or even what gifts I really have to offer).

I could go on for hours about all of the things I question. The pandemic alone brings on a very long list of things I question... How can we be even remotely confident in the decisions we make about where to go, what to do, when the "experts" can't even agree?

There is something I don't question... I don't question God's love for me. I might question what He's doing (I do that often), but never His love for me. I hold very tightly to the knowledge I have of Him. The questioning, the lack of confidence only brings me closer to Him, because I wouldn't be able to get through the day without Him. I get up everyday relying on His strength, because I have no strength of my own. I know I'm not alone, even when sometimes I feel alone. My confidence in Him allows me to weather the storms that come, even if it looks quite ugly as it's happening (and trust me, it is quite ugly right now!). This will pass. This will also return someday. It's just who I am and how I'm wired. But, just as I know it will pass and return, I KNOW that I will be okay. Because I have a God that loves me more than anything.

Things I Want My Sons to Know

It's definitely a crazy time we are living in! So much is happening around us, impacting us. So many questions, concerns, fears. At the end of the day, I find myself praying that I did enough to help my boys with their fears. That I answered their questions and concerns with enough confidence that they can sleep at night. I don't hold all of the answers, only God does. Sometimes all I can give is a caring, "I don't know." I can't fix any of what's going on. I can't wave a magic wand and make things disappear. I can't force others to act kindly and respectfully. BUT, what I can do is love and raise my boys the way God wants me to. I can teach them, and guide them, and yes, even discipline them, so that they grow up to be amazing men. And as they grow and mature, these are the things I want them to know:

1. God loves you more than any single human can, even me (and that's saying a lot because I'm your Mama). God created you, chose your parents for you, protects you. He will NOT fail you (even when it feels like He is). He will be there for you ALWAYS. 

2. Daddy and I are flawed people. We make mistakes... A LOT. Grace and forgiveness is needed daily because although we love you with everything in us, we will fail you. 

3. The world is an amazing and scary place. Look for what God is doing in the world in the midst of the bad stuff. Good, amazing stuff is out there, too! Find it in the big stuff, in the little stuff. See the beauty in amongst the ugly. 

4. Name calling is NEVER needed. You can always get your point across without ever having to call another person a name. If you accidentally do call someone a name, immediately apologize. Because, again, name calling is not needed.

5. You WILL disagree with other people. OFTEN. It's the beauty of being human. Of being different from others. IF we were all created to think exactly the same, we would be very boring people!

6. WHEN you disagree with people, respect is ALWAYS needed. There should never be a time where you are disrespectful because you don't agree/believe in what another person is saying. (Honestly, there should just never be a time you are disrespectful at all). Bad mouthing, putting people down, mocking people are all ways of showing disrespect, and it is uncalled for.

7. Words are extremely powerful. They can build people up or can tear people down. YOU have the power to use your immense vocabulary to help others. YOU can impact other positively or negatively by the words you choose to use. Think before you speak. Ask yourself: Is what I am going to say helpful or harmful?

8. TRUST is NOT free. It is so important for you to have people in your life that you trust. People you know you can go to for help and advice, that you can trust to keep you safe. It is just as important that people can trust you. You earn trust... It is not assumed or free. It is earned through being honest and reliable. You earn other's trust by meaning what you say and saying what you mean. Be the friend that people can come to and feel safe. Tell the truth, even when it's hard.

9. Life on Earth is NOT FAIR. We live in a broken world, with hurting people. We live with injustices all around us. People fight for the rights of others to make this world be a little more fair. Be the person who sees the injustices and fight for what's right. But also accept that at times, life just isn't fair. You may not get the promotion you want. You may lose more family members to cancer or other illnesses. This side of heaven will not always be fair. 

10. HELP others. Be aware of the needs around you. Open doors for people. Pick up items left on the floor at the store. Offer to reach things off the top shelf for those not as blessed with height as you are. Volunteer whenever/wherever you can. YOU are God's hands and feet. Use your gifts and talents to help.

11. Be a CONTRIBUTING MEMBER OF SOCIETY! We have taught you that from the time you were very little. Be involved. Do the work. Use what God has given you. We taught you to do chores, to earn money, to work hard because we want you to grow into strong, contributing members of the world you live in.

12. YOU are an unbelievably amazing person. YOU were created to do great things and I know that God has big plans for you. Each of you will have a different journey... One that will look far different than your brothers' journeys. That's because God created you to be YOU, not your brothers. God designed you to be unique. Being like everyone else is boring, anyway! Accept who you are. Embrace who you are. Your quirks, your flaws, your strengths are all a part of who you are. I want nothing more than for you to walk through your lifetime with confidence in who God created you to be.

13. YOU ARE LOVED MORE THAN WORDS COULD EVER SAY. Your Daddy and I have prayed for you since the moment we knew we were expecting you. There is nothing more amazing than to love you and care for you. We are privileged to be your Mom and Dad!! We are proud of who you are and for the things you are doing. And, no matter how hard things may be, or how angry your dad and I might seem, we will ALWAYS LOVE YOU. NOTHING can ever change that. EVER!

This Season of Life is HARD

 Well, we did it. We moved. We left our 200 year old farmhouse that we called home for 15 years and bought a beautiful 5 year old colonial house just 4 minutes away. The entire process, from preparing the old house to selling and buying to moving out and then in, has been a roller coaster of emotions! In the middle of settling in to the new house, we are also trying to prepare for a new school year for everyone. At the end of the day, when the busyness of the day is over, I am left feeling so many things I didn't expect... 

Back in June as we prepared for selling our old house, I had posted about how sad I was to be leaving behind such an amazing house filled with so many memories. I thought the feelings would slowly pass as the excitement of the new house grew. But one week into living in our new house, I feel kind of homesick for the old house. The house that smelled like us. The house that made me feel like I was "home". It was familiar and we had made it our very own. I miss that house. I miss that "home" feeling. I miss sitting at the desk I built and seeing our "rent-a-dog" (the neighbor's chocolate lab) wandering around the yard. I miss the kitchen island, with the small knot in it that looked like a heart. 

Don't get me wrong, we have a wonderful house now. The old house definitely had it's flaws! But after 15 years, it became a part of me. And my touch was in every room. Our new house is big and feels empty. I don't have that "home" feeling yet. I drive up to the house, and it still feels like someone else's house. It just brings me feelings of being overwhelmed, as our to-do list is quite long. I pray that changes. I pray over time it feels like our home. 

It hasn't been an easy week or month or couple of months. The to-do list keeps getting longer. My excitement has dwindled and I often feel like I am drowning in boxes and school supplies and school schedules. I am grateful that our boys don't have to change schools because of our move. Benjamin got permission to stay at Red Mill, which is great for him. Zachary starts Middle School and will attend the same school as Tyler. And Patrick starts his freshman year of high school (okay, so that brings on a whole new level of emotions!). I cannot imagine what it would be like for everyone if we also had to completely change schools...

Although we're not having to change schools, so much is different. Our district made the hard decision to start the year off with distance learning. So, all four boys will be home doing a pretty typical school day. And the idea of that overwhelms me. Four different grades, four different personalities, four different rooms (to ensure they can do their online participation without interruptions). At the end of last year, it was much more simply structured, where there was more review of work, and less actual grading. This year we truly are doing school from home. Will I be enough support for the boys? How am I supposed to help Patrick with his classes should he need it? How do we manage the different schedules? 

I miss what we had in the beginning of March. I miss the boys going to school (and I know they miss it even more). I miss working with the students and teachers at the Elementary School. So much has changed... and my heart aches for what was.

In the last several months, I have had to say goodbye to a lot of things I have loved deeply. Our old way of life, including work and school. Our old house. Our cat, Ruth. Our sanity. Some things can be replaced, some things will eventually go back to "normal". Some things will never be the same. But, through it all, I know that God is at the heart of all of it. The new house is an amazing gift from Him that even a year ago, we would have never thought we could ever get. I see the good. I see the amazing blessings in the midst of the hard stuff. But, in this moment, it doesn't feel good. It feels sad. I feel sad. 

In a few months, I am confident that my feelings will shift. In a few months, the new house will have more of our personal touches. It will definitely smell more like us. And I won't have to remind myself to NOT turn right to head to the old house. I will miss our old house less. The boys will be in some kind of routine, and maybe, just maybe actually be back physically in school. Until then, I will hold on to the fact that God has given us very GOOD things, even if they don't currently feel so good.

Hard Conversations

I have been wanting to write some things that have been on my mind for quite a while, but haven't been able to find the right words... It's so hard to express myself sometimes, as I feel so deeply that my vocabulary cannot reach. God's been prompting me, over and over again to write, and so I sit hear doing just that. I write as a way to connect to God. I write as a creative outlet. I also write in hopes that someone will be touched, will be changed, will be encouraged... And tonight I write as a way to express the deep ache I feel in my heart for all that is going on and for how it is impacting my boys.

2020 has certainly NOT been kind. Each month we seem to be faced with another challenge, another reminder that we do in fact live in a fallen and broken world. COVID keeps it's grip on our country, not discriminating against young or old. Racial tension and awareness brought out both the good and the bad in people. We are in the throws of an election year that is beyond ugly. Summer as we have known it disappeared. The new school year will be nothing like any other year. 

I have thoughts and feelings about all of it. But what I have spent the past several months focused on are the four boys in my house who have questions about ALL of it. And their questions are hard. They're insightful. They have been questions that have stopped me in my tracks and have left me weeping over them. I realized months ago that I had a much bigger calling in front of me than just to survive a stay-at-home order or to get creative with our summer plans. This year, my calling as "mama" was (and still is) to help my growing boys to process their world and to help them make heads or tails of a very hard time.

When the boys were little, I thought that we were in the hardest stage of parenting. When my youngest was born, we had a newborn, 1 year old, 2 year old, and a just barely 4 year old. We had 3 in diapers for a year. I hadn't slept in years. I didn't have enough arms to keep a hold of them all. It was a hard stage! As they got older, and were all mobile, wrangling them was ridiculous! It was hard. But this year, I have realized THIS is the HARDEST stage yet. THIS is where the rubber meets the road. Where all of those years of getting to know each boy, getting to know their hearts has come into action. THIS is where they are now using the beautiful brains and hearts that God has given them to form their own thoughts and feelings. And wow do they have some BIG thoughts and feelings! 

Questions started flooding in from each boy when COVID first hit. They wanted to know the details, the facts. They wanted to see the charts and understand the data. Kevin and I helped them to understand what they were reading as best we could. As we moved from thinking this all was temporary to realizing how serious things were, the questions became harder. The main question: "What if one of us gets COVID?" They'd go through the people they love dearly and wondered WHAT IF... My response, "What if they do? What could that mean?" And with each boy, we journeyed down the what if trail, always ending with, "No matter how sad, or how hard, or how scary, God's got us. We'll be okay." 

I wish those were the only hard conversations we had to have, but no... more questions came as the boys watched how racism impacts their world. "Why would anyone see someone as less of a person because they're not the same color?" "God made us all in HIS image, so wouldn't that mean that black and brown people are in His image, too?" Our Benjamin, who loves and feels deeper than any of the boys, tried so hard to understand why it was happening. He would tell me often, "Mama, I like the different colors of skin. We'd be boring if we were all one color. Why can't people see that? Why do people get treated different?" The innocence that once existed is long gone. And in those conversations, I found myself lost for words. I had to rely on God for the answers.

The hardest type questions the boys have asked start with, "Why do people...". "Why do people riot?" "Why do people hate other people so much?" "Why do people call other people names just because they don't like what the other person is saying?" "Why do people hurt other people?" Boy, do I miss the "why is the sky blue" type questions!

There is no easy (or right) way to answer those questions. So, we carefully maneuver through the minefield until the boys are satisfied (for the moment). At times I feel inept and unqualified to answer their questions. But, I am humbled to be a part of that journey for them. 

In 20 years, when they look back on 2020, I pray that they remember these conversations. I pray that they find assurance that no matter what, that God has them. I pray that they continue to have the kind, loving hearts they have now and that they can go out into the world and make a difference. 

This parenting thing is so unbelievably hard. The ache that I feel for each boy grows as they share more of what's on their hearts and minds. But I feel so blessed that God chose me to be their mama, to be the one who can be their soft place. We are called NOT to keep them from the hard stuff, but to help them maneuver THROUGH the hard stuff. And that is where I choose to spend my energy... on helping them, guiding them, shaping them. Even when it's hard!

I don't know what else 2020 will bring... but God's got us, and we will be okay. My Benjamin says so!