When my husband and I became parents, we had no idea what was in store for us. We had no handbook, no guide for each child. We approached each day with as much knowledge as any other new parent has (which most days felt like not enough). When we started seeing things in Tyler that didn't feel right (and then later in Benjamin), we weren't sure what we were seeing. Again, there was no handbook to say "if your child's behavior or development makes you go hmm..., please see page 99." At first we thought Tyler would catch up, since all the child development books gave windows of development. Surely he would fall within those windows. When he didn't catch up on the most basic skills, we knew something was up. And we were blessed to have experience and knowledge in the world of Autism to know what we were facing. We took the next steps, got Tyler (and later Benjamin) into early intervention, and the rest is history.
But what about the families who don't have the knowledge and experience to know that the things they see might not be "normal"? What about the families who see things that make them go hmm... but don't know they can do something about it? How can we help them? How do we empower them to start that journey?
There tends to be a lot of hesitation in approaching families with concerns about their child, particularly concerns about a child's development. We don't want to offend them. We certainly don't want to hurt them. But the things we see leave a nagging feeling in our gut and we can feel like we are doing them a disservice if we don't say anything. It becomes a constant conversation (even a debate) within our heads. Should we say something? Should we keep our mouths shut?
There are ways to approach this topic with friends and family, but no matter what you want to say, or need to say, it needs to be done with a heart of love and understanding. Before you even consider bringing up concerns, know your intentions. WHY do you want to tell them? Do you plan on supporting them through the journey should something actually be wrong? Do you want to be a right-fighter, where what's important is that YOU caught it? Are you prepared to love them and support them even if they choose not to see what you see?
Your intentions are crucial in approaching such a hard topic for parents. No parents want to hear that something could be wrong with their child. No parents want to believe that their child is not like every other child. If your intentions are anything other than fully focused on loving and supporting this family, then my suggestion is to keep your thoughts and opinions to yourself, because anything you have to say will not be taken well.
Even when your intentions are in the right place, it is still a hard conversation to have. Approach the topic with what you SEE, never with what you THINK. What you think is irrelevant. Staying focused on what you see, such as unusual behaviors or sensitivities to certain things, keeps any judgment out of the conversation.
Expressing what you see is important, but the next step is most important because it will guide the rest of your conversation. The next step is to ask if the parents have seen what you are seeing. Have they noticed the same thing that you have? Are they concerned about it? THEIR ANSWERS ARE WHAT WILL DIRECT YOUR CONVERSATION. A parent who shuts down and says he or she doesn’t see it or doesn’t think it's a problem is a parent who you need to end that specific conversation with. There's no need to push the topic anymore. (Remember how I said your intentions are important? This is NOT the time to be a right-fighter. This is the time to love and support the parents in their decision to not further the conversation.)
Now, if the parents start talking about what they see, their concerns, etc., it's a perfect opportunity to then start asking more questions. You can ask them about whether or not they have talked to a doctor about it and encourage them to talk to their doctor if they have not done so. Continue to ask them questions that empower them as parents. Ask them how they feel about what they are seeing and thinking. Leave out any "you should's," "you ought to's," and "I think's."
You may run into parents who see what you see, have approached their doctor about it, and have been told to "wait and see." THIS IS NOT AN OPPORTUNITY TO BASH THE DOCTOR! Talking badly about the doctor and his or her advice is not going to help the parent. When Tyler was significantly delayed, our doctor said to "wait and see if he makes progress," not because he was a bad doctor (we like him a great deal!), but because that was what he thought was the next step.
Rather than ganging up on the doctor, empower the parents to make their own decision. You can ask if they agree with the doctor. If they do agree, then leave it be. (Again, this is NOT about right-fighting. It's about supporting the family.) If they do not agree, but feel they have no other choice but to follow the doctor's advice, help them to know that they are the parents, and that they can pursue their concerns. They can say they would rather pursue things NOW, as opposed to later.
Whatever the parents decide, whatever path they choose, whether they see it or don't, your role is to love and support them. Your place is to be behind them no matter what. Be there to hold their hands as they think and pray about next steps. Be their cheerleader. Be their friend and confidant. JUST BE THERE. (Even if you’re not in agreement with each other!)
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