I Am Equipped

After the last week or so, I have come to a place of being utterly exhausted, both emotionally and physically. There is not a whole lot left to give... And so, I sit here writing during my quiet time (yay, Thursday mornings!) realizing at this very moment I don't have to give. I don't have to have any answers, plan any events, help any children. Rather, I can just be. I can be tired and worn out. I can be confused and unsure. And, with each sentence, I can find my way back to feeling at peace again, even if it is for a short amount of time.

As this week unfolded, there were no moments of peace. Only moments of overwhelming emotions, doubt, and a whole bucket-load of crankiness. Although some work things were crazy, and we had to put our 2 1/2 year old cat down, and the boys had a lot going on, and tons of other things happening, the crankiness and overwhelming emotions came from somewhere so much deeper. While talking with a friend, I came to realize that although things were extra stressful this week, it wasn't the stress that was exhausting me... It was the internal dialogue stuck on repeat telling me that I am not equipped to do all that was in front of me. It was the ugly voice reminding me that I have no idea what I am doing. The lizard brain constantly whispering that I am not enough: not enough for my family, for my job, and especially for the dreams/aspirations I have. The more tired I became, the less I could argue with the lizard brain. The less I could fight off the constant beat down.

I doubt myself often. I doubt that I can make an impact. I doubt my abilities in most things I do. I have come a long way from the crippling level of doubt I once had. But, it's still there... And the more tired I become, or the more focused I become on moving forward with goals and dreams, the more I am pushed into new experiences, the more the doubt creeps in. Slowly but surely, it leaves me feeling ill-equipped, inadequate. And this week, my doubt took a hold of me.

As I sat with my friend yesterday, she asked me to take a moment to just be. To just spend some time listening to the only voice that truly matters... To listen to what God has been wanting me to hear. And so I did... I sat in silence (which is never a comfortable place for me to be) and I listened. I pushed the ugly stuff aside and just waited on Him. What He pressed on my heart was a promise I needed to hear:
Trust ME. I've got this. You have everything you need. I have equipped you. Be YOU. You're ENOUGH.

I didn't hear His voice, but I felt His presence. And I knew it was true. I am equipped. I am enough. I can handle everything that needs to be handled, but more importantly, I have what I need to go forward with the bigger things. I don't have to have all the answers, as the answers I need to have will come. Who I am right now is who I need to be for this moment. Growth will continue to come, and as new things arrive, God will provide me with the right tools (or at least the right people to fill in the gaps).

I believe God has equipped me for the things He has laid out for me. I believe that even with the things I have never done before that I have what I need. I know there will be moments where I doubt, because I am human, but I will not sit in it long. There are too many amazing things coming to be stuck too long in my doubt. There's a book to be written, a wonderful ministry to pour into and share, 4 amazing boys to raise, and a daily life to live my husband. There's no time to be stuck in the terrible state of doubt.

Each one of us were made with God's plans in mind. He has crafted us in unique ways, and gives us talents and abilities to be used for HIS good. He didn't create us so that we would fail. He created us so that we could succeed. He gives us what we need so that we can grow in Him. He equips us, supports us, loves us so that we can live our lives for Him. We are all equipped for what stands in front of us. Even if we don't have the "right" words, the "right" tools, we DO have Him.