There are certain things I try really hard NOT to do... I try really hard not to eat the boys' Lucky Charms cereal (which typically is an unsuccessful attempt). I try really hard not to compare my mothering styles to other moms. I try really hard not to focus too much on the news, the media, or other type stress-inducers. And my biggest, all time, "try not to do" is I try not to spend too much time "researching" things on the internet, especially when it pertains to medical stuff. It's just NOT wise for me to type in some question and read all of the gazillion answers. Only a tiny percentage of that stuff is actually accurate or actually pertains to what I am wondering.
But, in the past couple days, I have found myself doing just that. I went on the internet, typed in "post Total Thyroidectomy average medication dosage". (For those of you who don't know, I had my whole thyroid taken out last week). My initial goal was just figuring out roughly what the average dosage is for someone my size, so I could have an idea of where I would be ending up when the dust settles. What I got was an onslaught of information that has sent me in a tizzy...
You see, it takes a good bit of time to find the right dosage of meds for a person with no thyroid. Too much, you get cranky and your heart races and you lose weight faster than you should. (Okay, so the losing weight thing almost sounded nice) Too little medication, you face fatigue, joint pain, weight gain and other stuff totally not cool. It's a precious balance that takes time. What I found on the internet was people complaining of it taking years. YEARS, people! But, the answers and information from random strangers are not actually a good depiction of reality.
And yet, what I read on the internet has greatly affected how I feel about my future. I hate meds... I have never been good at taking meds. I am that horrible person who sometimes doesn't finish antibiotics (sometimes... More times than not I do finish them). I am really good at taking my allergy medicine now, after years of my eyes puffing up and becoming so raw it looks like I have been punched in the eyes. I take meds for aches and pains when necessary, but typically wait until it's really bad. And during cold and flu time, I have been known to take some "nighttime, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy-head, fever, so-you-can-rest" medicine, because who doesn't like getting rest even when your head feels like it's going to explode?!
This is different, though. This is forever. FOREVER. And if I don't take it, it will cause not cool things for my body. If I forget to refill my prescription, there will be consequences. If I don't take the meds exactly as prescribed, it makes a difference. Every morning at least an hour before I eat anything, I will be taking a pill... For the rest of my life. And that scares me. A LOT. Do I realize that might sound somewhat ridiculous? Yep. Maybe a tad-bit irrational? Yep. But, that's how I feel.
This medication has the potential of keeping me quite healthy. It also has the potential of bringing lots of curveballs as we find the right balance. And let's not forget how hormones, weight change, getting older, will all impact the lovely balance and create a need for a new balance. One tiny little pill has the potential to greatly impact day to day life. IF I let it...
Right now I am stuck in a place where I could easily let it send me down a rabbit hole of yucky-ness. I am afraid. I am more afraid about the silly little pills than I was going in for the surgery. The surgery was a once and done thing. I knew I had a couple weeks of recovery, but that's still short-term. This is for the rest of my life. But, I know something far better that will last past the rest of my life... God's peace and love.
We're told in Isaiah 41:10: "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
I grew up listening to this over and over in the form of a song. Family friends of ours made this into a song years ago and THIS is what has been playing in my head the past several days. At random times the song would just pop in my head. And as I sit here tonight, I now know why. God wants me to remember His promises to me.
I have God. I have His strength to hold me up right now. I can choose to be afraid, but I can also choose to accept what is and let God do with it as He sees fit. Is it scary stuff? To me it is. But He's got this. He has got my back. It's not that I have no reason to fear. It's that the fear I have can be given to Him.
So, my fears (whether they be irrational or not) may not sit with me tonight. They may not keep my thoughts for any longer. I have a BIG God who can deal with those fears while I live the life He has given me.
**As mentioned earlier, I have family friends who have done amazing things with music throughout the years. To hear some of Sue and Jeff Duffield's stuff, or just to learn a little more about them, you can go to their page at http://www.sueduffield.com/duffield_music. You will be blessed by not only their music but by Sue's humorous way she goes through life!**
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