Following God's Lead

I am back! Okay, so I was never really gone.  There just haven't been a whole lot of "sweet moments of peace" in my life these past couple of months. Even though I have not had a lot of time to write (or even think), God has been doing amazing things in my life and in my family.  There are so many things I would LOVE to talk about...  So many wins, so many God moments, and some significant struggles that have only led to God's light shining through. I hope that in the coming weeks I will have more time, more peace to write about all of them. But for the moment, there is something that seems most important to share...

Over the past several months, I have felt God calling me to do something I just COULD NOT do. I had every excuse in the book as to why MY plan was better than His. I dug my heels in, and refused to budge. (Picture a 3 year old refusing to clean up his toys...  Foot stomping, crying, and let's not forget the "throw yourself on the floor, kicking and screaming" moment. Yup, that was me!) My refusal got me nowhere, except more frustrated, tired and well, CRANKY.

I began to seriously think about what God was calling me to do. There were moments when I could see what I needed to do, and that in the long wrong, it would be best for everyone. After some long tearful conversations with God, I gave up my thoughts and plans, left the road I was on, and chose to give everything to God. So, in just two weeks, I will be finishing up my full time position as the Director of Preschool and moving into my new part time position of Director of kid::care (our child care ministry).

In writing, it doesn't seem so scary. In fact, it seems quite nice...  As a mom of 4 boys, part time definitely sounds SO MUCH BETTER! The idea of spending more time with the boys is wonderful. Continuing to work with the team I have grown to love and see as family is more than I could have asked for. I still get to work with the families at our church, still get to see the cute faces of many of the kids, and best of all, I still get to work with our Special Needs ministry. In fact, able::life will be my only Sunday morning ministry. So many awesome things in writing...

But, when I finally chose to follow God's lead, I didn't know that there was a part time position just right for me that I could move into. I didn't know I would remain in the ministry that my heart overflows for. What the logical side of me knew was that I was about to step away from a position that allowed not only financial stability but insurance coverage for my boys and me. What the emotional side of me knew was that I was going to have to say goodbye to what I have known and loved. And the biggest thing I knew was that I was about to enter a world of "unknowns", and I do not like unknowns. They scare me. They scare me even more than bees... (And let me tell you, I have a GINORMOUS, irrational fear of bees.)

My head and my heart struggled (and still do) to be on the same page. My head lists all the reasons I should just stay right where I am at. My heart cries out for so much more. And, ultimately, I believe that what my heart longs for is what God longs for me. And so, putting aside the logic and the fear, I chose to listen to God...

I find myself thinking and acting like the Israelites heading to the Promised Land sometimes. I KNOW that where God is leading me has to be better than where I was. And yet, I find myself wishing I could go back to what I know and am comfortable with. It seems so much better looking back, because I at least know what that life is like. There's no guessing... Heading somewhere I have never been or seen, doing things I have never done, trusting on a God I cannot see doesn't always sound more inviting than being a slave to the life I already know.

But, here I am heading into God's Promised Land for me. I don't know what it's fully going to look like. I seriously don't have any idea how God is going to provide for our financial needs, but I know He WILL. There are deserts to walk through, storms to weather, and a whole lot of trusting God to do. There is also a whole lot of dreaming to do (something I have not done a lot of in a very long time). I have dreams of writing more, speaking/training about the things I am most passionate about, and just maybe embracing my creative side again. And, now, I can dream. I can dream BIG. I can pursue what God has created me to do.

Following God's lead is not exactly the easiest thing for us humans... We see life through human eyes. We see the hiccups and the logic and the emotion. What we don't always see is that God can do anything. He can make the illogical happen. He's not bothered by silly things like money. He sees life through HIS eyes... and His eyes see our purpose and potential. He sees more than just a couple days or months or years ahead of us. He sees our entire lifetime. He sees the people we will meet, the impact we will have, the joy we will find. Logic and fear have no room in His view.

This journey is going to be bumpy, at best. I see a lot of different emotions in my near future. I know there will be days when I will look back at "Egypt" and wish I were there again. I also know that God has a much better plan for me. I know God is leading me somewhere I cannot even fathom... And that is where I want to go, even if it is scary and sometimes makes no sense.