In the Silence

First off, Happy New Year! It's crazy to think another year has past... It's even crazier to think another year is upon us.

It's been a while since I have last written. And I would love to say it's just because I have been very busy. BUT, honestly, it's because I've been running... Running away from the sweet moments with God that always come with writing. I have tried to avoid the deafening sounds of the silence that leaves me vulnerable and often times scared of what God will reveal to me. I haven't wanted to truly face the emotions and thoughts that have been filling my head and heart these past several months. The silence that is here in this moment feels more like an overwhelming flood than a peaceful wave.

BUT, it's time... It's time I face the silence, and all that comes with it. It's time for me to be real and vulnerable and frankly, UGLY. God's been calling me to this quiet time for weeks. He's been wanting to connect with me, but I have found every excuse in the book to avoid it. I have run out of excuses and energy.

A lot of different things have happened in the past months that have been painful to go through. There's been loss, hurt, a sense of betrayal, struggles with parenting, struggles with health, struggles to find my place and purpose... With each moment came a sense of defeat, a feeling that my heart couldn't take another blow. I was left longing to run to God's arms. For Him to wrap His arms around me like my earthly father does, and to hold me until all seemed right again. But I felt I couldn't run to Him. For some time, I wasn't sure I could fully trust Him. I see Him as a father, but no father would ever allow for their child to get hurt. And He did (or so I felt). He knew what was coming and gave me no warning. No head's up that my life was going to change, and that change would bring heartache.

A friend helped me to see that it wasn't that God allowed these things to happen to hurt me, but to help me grow. His plans, although painful to go through sometimes, are ultimately to make me who He wants me to be. But, I still sit here in the silence uncomfortable. Awkwardly aware that this quiet time brings out the best in me AND the worst in me. The growth I have made, the insight I have gained does very little to squash the hurt and anger and utter exhaustion that stirs in my heart.

I want nothing more than to bring God my best, and only my best. So I have avoided meeting with Him because I have very little "best" to bring Him. The act of avoidance has been exhausting, fighting off the many attempts God has made to reach me. But, He is getting through to me and He's using my 4 year old son to do it.

Benjamin LOVES to sing, and he has really taken to the song "Greater" by MercyMe (which I highly recommend you all listen to). And so, he sings it incessantly. He'll be playing with his brothers and will suddenly break out in song. He wakes up singing it and goes to sleep singing it. We have watched the music video more times than I can count. The song has become a nonstop musical number in my head. I never really listened to the words. But as he continued to sing it over and over and over again, I began to listen to what he was singing. (It's very hard to ignore a cute 4 year old singing!)

"Bring your doubts
And bring your fears
Bring your hurt
And bring your tears
There'll be no condemnation here
You are holy, righteous and redeemed"

I have been avoiding connecting with God because all I really had in my heart was doubt, and fear, and hurt. All very ugly things. And the song reminds me that God wants me to bring those things to Him. He won't condemn me or judge me. He just wants to hold me, and love me, and remind me that I am His. It's taken a 4 year old little boy singing to bring me back to this quiet time. To not be afraid to bring my ugliness into the silence. And to not be afraid of what the silence will bring for me.

We all have times in our lives where we long for God and yet push Him away at the same time. But I need to remember that no matter how much I push Him away, He is always trying to pull me closer. And He will use whatever is necessary to reach me (and you). Let Him reach you. Let Him pull you close and tell you that you are His and you are loved. It's worth the awkward (and sometimes painful) moments in silence.