Squelching Fear

So, I have to admit that I live a life in a lot of fear... But I'm not afraid of things that most people are afraid of. I'm not afraid of heights, or small spaces, or germs. I'm not afraid of sharks (but then again, I have never been in a place where I would need to be afraid of them). I'm not afraid of snakes, unlike my husband. I do have a healthy fear of bees, but I feel that it's a reasonable fear, since, well, they sting and whatnot.

No, my fears are bigger. My fears are life-altering and have held me back from many things. They impact my daily life, and it's time I once and for all release them. The first step: admitting to what they are.  I am afraid of failing. I am afraid of succeeding. And, I am afraid of being "stuck" in maintenance mode.

When you look at my three biggest fears, it kind of explains the conundrum I am in. I'm afraid to fail, so I am super cautious to try anything I don't already know how to do. I am afraid to succeed, and so I constantly get in my own way to keep me from doing more. And, by not trying new things and by getting in my own way, I force myself to never truly move out of maintenance mode. Maintenance mode is not a place I like to be in. It's a vicious cycle of my life that I so desperately need to stop.

But, it's not that easy. The second step for me to release my fears is to know what I need to do with them. If I want to move past the fear of failing, I need to trust that even IF I fail, I will be okay. (And, well, we all know that failure is a part of life and that it WILL happen.) If I want to move past my fear of succeeding (and yes, I know it sounds a bit odd), I need to trust in the person that God created me to be, AND trust that God has got my back. If I want to relieve the fear of being "stuck" then I need to work on the other fears, which takes a whole lot of trust in God.

The answer to my fears (and to yours)... TRUST. Yep, one small five letter word is all I need to move from fear to a life of living. And yet, that one word is probably my biggest stumbling block. I struggle to trust who I am, my decisions, my ideas. I struggle to trust people. And the older I get, the more I realize the biggest trust issue I have is with God.

I trust God with the things I can see and predict. I trust him with my boys, my husband, my family. I believe in what He has done in my life and others' lives. I KNOW the amazing things He has taught me in my 34 years. I can see His hand in my life. But, somehow, I still struggle to trust Him with the things unknown in my life.

I struggle to trust in who He has made me. That struggle comes out in my lack of self-confidence and the constant conversations in my head that go against everything God says about me and my worth. My husband and friends and family remind me often of who I am and the things I have to offer this world. I try to hold on to that, but ultimately, it's a wasted effort because I end up internally disputing all they say. (Insert the many moments my husband and friends and family want to bang their heads against a wall or want to shake me.)

My fears can't be helped by my husband, my friends, or my family. My deep rooted fears can only be squelched by putting my TOTAL TRUST in God. To put every ounce of my being into believing in the person God has created me to be. To believe that my unique giftings and perspective were given to me to do good for Him. To trust that He knows what He's doing with me and through me.

It is time for me to not let my fear of failure run my life. I will fail. I will probably fail often. I will fail as a mom, a wife, a friend, a director. I will fail to remember important things. I will fail financially. BUT, I will survive each and every failure. I will take each failure and will get up, dust myself off, and try again.

It is time for me to stay out of my own way and to allow success to happen. I don't know what that success will look like. It could be the small desires of my heart, or even the large desires of my heart. But, success will happen. I just need to move out of God's way, and trust Him. (Of course, I will need to make a major shift in my daily conversations with myself.)

God is doing some amazing things and I want to be a part of it. And so, it is time that I no longer live in fear. I will still feel the fear (because unfortunately, I cannot snap my fingers and make it disappear), but I do not have to live in it. I have the choice to feel the fear and give it to God or to hold on to it. I have held on to my feelings of fear for too long. It is time to give it all to God.

So, watch out world. I am coming, and I will not run away. (Unless of course there's a swarm of bees... In which case, I'm gonna be running!)