Our 10 year anniversary is only a month away, and I have TONS of thoughts on love and marriage. When I said "I do" I had no idea how amazing AND how hard things would be. Some of the hardest things for me throughout these 10 years fall under these four words: Submit... Honor... Love... Respect...
Yep, all four words should be not only in our vocabulary, but in our hearts and in our actions, especially if we are wives. But, they aren't exactly the easiest things to do. Sure, to show love can be easy, particularly when we FEEL love. It becomes more challenging when that wonderful, mushy feeling isn't there anymore.
Respect can be relatively easy, too. Most of us are taught to be respectful at an early age, and so we have that skill set engrained in us. In the real world, we have learned to respect people, even if we may not agree with them. Respecting our husbands when we don't agree with them is a tad bit harder.
Honor and submission, I think, are the two hardest things to do as a wife. Honoring my husband doesn't just mean during times when I like him. Or when I agree with him. Or when I think he's the most amazing man in the world. Nope, honoring him must still be done when I don't like him. And when I don't agree with him. And, even when he's being a dingdong. We are called to honor our husbands by God. Honoring our husbands honors God. Honor is a VERB, it calls us to action. It requires intentionality.
Then there's the whole submitting thing. I have heard SO many women try to argue that in this day and age we shouldn't be submitting to our husbands. That it's antiquated and some even believe it's some form of us being slaves to our husbands. But here's the thing, God isn't calling us to be slaves to our husbands... He's calling us to do so much more! In Ephesians 5:22-24 (MSG), it says
"Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ. The husband provides leadership to his wife the way Christ does to his church, not by domineering but by cherishing. So just as the church submits to Christ as he exercises such leadership, wives should likewise submit to their husbands." (HUSBANDS you should note that there's work for you too! Continue reading the next couple verses!)
I LOVE this! It clearly states that we are to understand and support our husbands... He is our leader, the head of the household. We need to support him (even when we don't always agree). We need to understand him, and if we don't we need to continue to try to understand him. Submitting isn't about saying, "Yes, Master!" "Whatever you say, Master!" "What is your bidding, Master?" (We are not slaves or droids.) Submitting is about abiding to him and his needs, thoughts, desires...
Loving, respecting, honoring and submitting to our husbands isn't about feelings. Sure, when we FEEL great and wonderful things for our husbands, it's a lot easier to be and do those things. But, we are not to be fair-weather wives. We still need to love and respect, honor and submit, even when we don't WANT to. (Insert stomping of feet!)
This is where it becomes HARD. This is where our intentions and our attitudes greatly affect our actions. My attitude tends to get in the way of a lot of things, and this area of being a wife is NO exception. When I think I am right, I AM right. What I think is best to do, IS best. But here's the thing, sometimes what I think is right, what I think is best, does NOT feel right to my husband. Sometimes, I have to put my stubbornness aside and say, "I can't move on this unless Kevin is also on board. And since he's not, then I have to support his feelings." (NOT EASY TO DO, by the way!)
But it's not just about "giving in" or surrendering. It's about changing your heart from "fine, have it your way" (with a snotty tone included) to "I love you, and I don't want to force you into something you're not comfortable with." I can tell you from recent experience that the "fine, have it your way" is FAR from being respectful and honoring. It cuts deep in your husband's heart, and everyone around you can see your stinky attitude.
I know I won't always agree with my husband. After almost 10 years of marriage, I have learned that we do NOT see eye to eye on a good bit of things. He is not always the most attentive, caring, and giving man (but, hey, I am far from perfect, too). He is not always right. But how I treat him is not dependent on any of that. It's dependent on the fact that almost 10 years ago, I vowed to love him and honor him in all the great stuff AND in all the not so great stuff. It's not dependent on how I FEEL about him at that moment. It's dependent on the fact that I am called by God to love him, to respect him, to honor him, and to submit to him.
Let your LOVE, your RESPECT, your HONOR, and your SUBMISSION be VERBS, not just nouns. Let your heart and mind shift from what he is or isn't doing for you to what you can be doing for him. Keep your heart focused on what God is calling YOU to do, and let God and your husband work on your husband's stuff.
Thursday, March 19, 2015
Thursday, March 12, 2015
God's Hand is in Everything
A few weeks ago, I wrote about how I was choosing to change my perspective, particularly when it came to life stuff. I have to admit, it has not been easy... Apparently, I can be quite the pessimist! But, with help from friends and family, I have been able to really see life from a different angle. An angle of optimism, of hope, of peace. Not-so-great things have still happened (and will happen), but how I see those things, how I tackle those things, has really changed.
One of the greatest benefits to this shift in perspective for me has been how I am able to see God's hand in so much more. I think I lived life knowing God was there, but could only see Him in the big stuff. You know, the most joyous moments, or the most catastrophic moments... But I think it was rare for me to find God in the day to day, mundane things. It wasn't that I didn't think He was there, it was just I didn't take the time to see Him.
These past few weeks have given me ample times to see Him. To see His grace, His love, His sense of humor (and yes, I think God has an awesome sense of humor. My Zachary is a prime example!). Through some things He has held me. In others, He has guided me. And, surprisingly, there have been times He has provided me with peace and patience (which for me, can ONLY come from Him, as patience is definitely not a strong virtue of mine!).
My husband and I began taking Financial Peace University (FPU) about 5 weeks ago. The decision to take the course did NOT come easy. We were both scared to face our financial issues, but knew we needed to if we were going to fix things. We also knew that we were in what we thought was a "no win" situation. We wanted to take the class, we NEEDED to take the class, but didn't have the money to pay for the class. Wouldn't you know, God took care of that... An anonymous giver paid for our fees to take the class. God knew what we needed, and doing His thing, made it happen!
So, with this class, we have learned a lot of valuable lessons on how to manage money better (by MANAGING our money). It's been great! But, I was NOT expecting to learn a lot of other lessons along the way. Like how to be a better wife, how to provide a lasting legacy for our boys, and most importantly, how God has His hand even in our financial life.
There are goals to be set and accomplished in FPU, none of which we could accomplish on our own. Saving $1000 for our emergency fund felt impossible. But, God showed up and provided unexpected opportunities to sell items and even for Kevin to have additional teaching opportunities. Things like my mom randomly texting me to say we could sell their old kitchen island was arranged by a God who cares deeply about us accomplishing our financial goals.
Last night, Kevin came to me and told me about some significant troubles our car is having. Something about the engine and oil leaking and rattling that shouldn't be happening. It's going to cost money, probably a good bit of money, to get it fixed. In the past, we would have panicked and then would have pulled out the good old credit card. But it's different now. Now, there's no freaking out... No credit cards needed. Rather, we have an emergency fund and the ability to save thanks to the additional teaching opportunities Kevin has. The car thing is a HUGE inconvenience. But, it is NOT a catastrophic event. And the fact that I can see that shows that God's hand is in this.
I am learning every day how much God wants to be involved in our lives. He doesn't want to sit back and watch. He is in no way a spectator. He wants to be an active member of our day to day happenings. Sometimes He wants to arrange surprises, sometimes He just wants to hold us. But He wants to be a part of every moment. Whether it's in the big things like getting married, having babies, or losing someone, or in the small things like car issues and financial goals, He wants and IS a part of it all. We may not see Him, but He's there. And we have the ability to see Him if we look.
The looking part is what I am striving to do...
One of the greatest benefits to this shift in perspective for me has been how I am able to see God's hand in so much more. I think I lived life knowing God was there, but could only see Him in the big stuff. You know, the most joyous moments, or the most catastrophic moments... But I think it was rare for me to find God in the day to day, mundane things. It wasn't that I didn't think He was there, it was just I didn't take the time to see Him.
These past few weeks have given me ample times to see Him. To see His grace, His love, His sense of humor (and yes, I think God has an awesome sense of humor. My Zachary is a prime example!). Through some things He has held me. In others, He has guided me. And, surprisingly, there have been times He has provided me with peace and patience (which for me, can ONLY come from Him, as patience is definitely not a strong virtue of mine!).
My husband and I began taking Financial Peace University (FPU) about 5 weeks ago. The decision to take the course did NOT come easy. We were both scared to face our financial issues, but knew we needed to if we were going to fix things. We also knew that we were in what we thought was a "no win" situation. We wanted to take the class, we NEEDED to take the class, but didn't have the money to pay for the class. Wouldn't you know, God took care of that... An anonymous giver paid for our fees to take the class. God knew what we needed, and doing His thing, made it happen!
So, with this class, we have learned a lot of valuable lessons on how to manage money better (by MANAGING our money). It's been great! But, I was NOT expecting to learn a lot of other lessons along the way. Like how to be a better wife, how to provide a lasting legacy for our boys, and most importantly, how God has His hand even in our financial life.
There are goals to be set and accomplished in FPU, none of which we could accomplish on our own. Saving $1000 for our emergency fund felt impossible. But, God showed up and provided unexpected opportunities to sell items and even for Kevin to have additional teaching opportunities. Things like my mom randomly texting me to say we could sell their old kitchen island was arranged by a God who cares deeply about us accomplishing our financial goals.
Last night, Kevin came to me and told me about some significant troubles our car is having. Something about the engine and oil leaking and rattling that shouldn't be happening. It's going to cost money, probably a good bit of money, to get it fixed. In the past, we would have panicked and then would have pulled out the good old credit card. But it's different now. Now, there's no freaking out... No credit cards needed. Rather, we have an emergency fund and the ability to save thanks to the additional teaching opportunities Kevin has. The car thing is a HUGE inconvenience. But, it is NOT a catastrophic event. And the fact that I can see that shows that God's hand is in this.
I am learning every day how much God wants to be involved in our lives. He doesn't want to sit back and watch. He is in no way a spectator. He wants to be an active member of our day to day happenings. Sometimes He wants to arrange surprises, sometimes He just wants to hold us. But He wants to be a part of every moment. Whether it's in the big things like getting married, having babies, or losing someone, or in the small things like car issues and financial goals, He wants and IS a part of it all. We may not see Him, but He's there. And we have the ability to see Him if we look.
The looking part is what I am striving to do...
Thursday, February 26, 2015
A Roller Coaster Ride
There are very few things in life that I absolutely hate... Actually, I can really only think of one thing I absolutely, unequivocally despise... ROLLER COASTERS! There is nothing about a roller coaster that I like. The sound of the rattling track, the screams coming from other people only bring about anxiety for me. The feel of the car whipping back and forth does nothing for me, except make me ill. And let me tell you, there is NOTHING good that comes from the horrible feeling of my stomach in my throat as the car drops from the top of a hill. NOTHING!
When I was little and living in New Jersey, we had visited Hershey Park and rode on the Comet. My memory of that ride was me being terrified, curled up under the bar where your feet are supposed to go. I remember being sick afterward and never EVER wanted to ride it again.
But, after marrying my husband and living only 25 minutes from Hershey Park, I put on my big girl pants and rode the Comet again (as well as some of the other roller coasters). And we returned for Kevin's birthday for another 2 years. By the last year, I had grown to despise the roller coasters. The horrible feeling with each drop became increasingly worse with each year. It got so bad that while on the last roller coaster I will ever ride, I looked at Kevin and said, "I hate you! I hate you!" Now, I didn't really hate him, but I certainly did hate the roller coaster. I think Kevin finally figured out that there would be no more riding roller coasters with me!
There's a point to this story, I promise! I have equated my life on many occasions as being like a roller coaster (as do many other people). Life has ups and downs, and twists and turns. But, I realized for me that with my whole hating roller coasters thing, comparing my life to them was probably not a wise thing...
Life is exciting. The thrills that I get from watching my boys grow up and seeing my husband enjoy the gifts God has given him are beyond amazing. I get a front row seat to watch Kevin continue to grow and become closer to God. I am an active participant in the lives of 4 very beautiful, awesome boys, who love God and each other.
Life is sweet and joyous. There have been so many precious moments in my life. Marrying Kevin was one of the most precious moments... I remember the feeling of walking down the aisle towards him, with joy-filled tears in my eyes, and a peace in my heart that God had great things planned for us. Meeting each one of my boys for the very first time brought such joy to my heart. Such a sweet and precious time connecting with them, praying for them.
Life is hard and emotional. Painful things happen, mistakes are made, rock bottom is found. But I find myself being ever so thankful for the hard stuff. It's in the hard stuff that I grow and learn the most. It's always in the hard times that I see how God truly is with me ALL the time. I might get angry, I might throw a tantrum or two (or sometimes ten), but in the end, I find myself thankful for the experiences. I cannot say the same for roller coasters!
Life is sad. Loss happens, and with that loss comes sadness and heartache. I have witnessed great sadness as friends and family have lost their loved ones. I have been to too many celebration of life services in the past year, some being for young children and teens. Death is a part of life, and it is beyond sad. And yet, with that sadness comes a peace, a glimmer of hope. For I know that death isn't the end. It's just the beginning... The beginning of a much better life than the one we have here on Earth.
Life is life. It's not like anything else in the world for me. There's no ride, no food, no single experience that I could use to sum up what life is like. I have been blessed with LIFE. I get to live life every day until God calls me home. And, unlike my experiences on roller coasters, I LOVE the ups and downs, twists and turns. The ups and downs, twists and turns means I am still alive. I still have a life to live for God. To experience his grace and love and blessings. To enjoy my boys, my husband, the ministries I serve in. To share life with others.
In my eyes, my life is no where near like being a roller coaster... It is SO MUCH BETTER!
When I was little and living in New Jersey, we had visited Hershey Park and rode on the Comet. My memory of that ride was me being terrified, curled up under the bar where your feet are supposed to go. I remember being sick afterward and never EVER wanted to ride it again.
But, after marrying my husband and living only 25 minutes from Hershey Park, I put on my big girl pants and rode the Comet again (as well as some of the other roller coasters). And we returned for Kevin's birthday for another 2 years. By the last year, I had grown to despise the roller coasters. The horrible feeling with each drop became increasingly worse with each year. It got so bad that while on the last roller coaster I will ever ride, I looked at Kevin and said, "I hate you! I hate you!" Now, I didn't really hate him, but I certainly did hate the roller coaster. I think Kevin finally figured out that there would be no more riding roller coasters with me!
There's a point to this story, I promise! I have equated my life on many occasions as being like a roller coaster (as do many other people). Life has ups and downs, and twists and turns. But, I realized for me that with my whole hating roller coasters thing, comparing my life to them was probably not a wise thing...
Life is exciting. The thrills that I get from watching my boys grow up and seeing my husband enjoy the gifts God has given him are beyond amazing. I get a front row seat to watch Kevin continue to grow and become closer to God. I am an active participant in the lives of 4 very beautiful, awesome boys, who love God and each other.
Life is sweet and joyous. There have been so many precious moments in my life. Marrying Kevin was one of the most precious moments... I remember the feeling of walking down the aisle towards him, with joy-filled tears in my eyes, and a peace in my heart that God had great things planned for us. Meeting each one of my boys for the very first time brought such joy to my heart. Such a sweet and precious time connecting with them, praying for them.
Life is hard and emotional. Painful things happen, mistakes are made, rock bottom is found. But I find myself being ever so thankful for the hard stuff. It's in the hard stuff that I grow and learn the most. It's always in the hard times that I see how God truly is with me ALL the time. I might get angry, I might throw a tantrum or two (or sometimes ten), but in the end, I find myself thankful for the experiences. I cannot say the same for roller coasters!
Life is sad. Loss happens, and with that loss comes sadness and heartache. I have witnessed great sadness as friends and family have lost their loved ones. I have been to too many celebration of life services in the past year, some being for young children and teens. Death is a part of life, and it is beyond sad. And yet, with that sadness comes a peace, a glimmer of hope. For I know that death isn't the end. It's just the beginning... The beginning of a much better life than the one we have here on Earth.
Life is life. It's not like anything else in the world for me. There's no ride, no food, no single experience that I could use to sum up what life is like. I have been blessed with LIFE. I get to live life every day until God calls me home. And, unlike my experiences on roller coasters, I LOVE the ups and downs, twists and turns. The ups and downs, twists and turns means I am still alive. I still have a life to live for God. To experience his grace and love and blessings. To enjoy my boys, my husband, the ministries I serve in. To share life with others.
In my eyes, my life is no where near like being a roller coaster... It is SO MUCH BETTER!
Thursday, February 12, 2015
A Little Perspective
These past few days I have been thinking a lot about perspective... The perspective a person takes shapes their entire way of thinking and believing. Perspective affects how we take on each day. And, lately, my perspective has had a very negative effect on my daily life.
For a while now, I have been kind of seeing myself as a victim. A victim of a chaotic and overwhelming life, poor decisions, and relational failures. I would even go as far as saying there were many a time when I felt helpless (and hopeless). Things both in my control and out of my control happened, and all I could really see were the negative things. My perspective each day was that this life is HARD, and it's always going to be HARD, and there's nothing I can do about it.
BUT, the pity party had to end. I am NOT a victim. I am not helpless. And I am certainly not hopeless. I just needed to spend less time (if not NO time) looking at the bad stuff, and way more time on the good stuff. I needed to find the awesome things that were happening... And, let me tell you, there are A LOT of awesome things happening!
For one, I have learned some amazing things about myself. Tough journeys and events in life always shape me more and more into who God created me to be. I am learning to trust myself more, rely on other's opinions less, and to stand on the two feet God gave me with confidence. Things have been hard, BUT I don't have to spend all of my time focused on it.
I have been blessed with an amazing family, who has been relatively healthy this winter. Yes, we've gotten the head cold thing, and 4 of the guys got the stomach flu, BUT none of us have been sick for very long. None of us have been deathly sick. And, although going through the sicknesses at the time STINKS (sometimes literally), we truly have been blessed. We've had medications to help with symptoms, antibiotics to kick out the germs, and comfy beds and couches to rest on. There could definitely be worse places to be when sick!
We've been faced with tough decisions, and like I have said before, I miss the days when my hardest decision was what to have for lunch. Do we send Ben to Kindergarten or keep him in Preschool another year? How do we deal with the ever changing issues Tyler has been struggling with at home? What areas can we cut out of our budget? What can we sell, what do we keep? Should one of us get a second job?
Yep, that's the kind of stuff we have been facing. Some were easier than others to decide on. What I lost sight of were the amazing things that will come out of those decisions. No matter what would be decided, God would have blessed us. He would be present with Ben whether he went to Kindergarten or Preschool. God has always been, and always will be, with Tyler and us through the daily struggles of extreme chattiness and meltdowns. God's hand has ALWAYS been guiding us through our financial issues and He has blessed us time and time again.
My lack of a positive perspective left me feeling isolated, overwhelmed, and lost. My negative perspective kept me buried in the junk and messiness of my life. When I began to change what I was looking at, what I would focus my attention on, I started to see past the messiness. I started to see the amazing things that were happening amidst the junk.
The junk is going to happen. And messiness is just a part of life on earth. BUT, I don't have to let it bury me. I can spend my time looking at my 4 beautiful boys, and how their lives are starting to unfold. God has really blessed my husband and me with them... There's not a day that goes by that God isn't using them and growing them.
I have a lot of things to be thankful for, a lot of blessings that fill my heart with joy: good jobs, great family and friends, opportunities to serve God, a solid plan to get financially stable. Bad things WILL happen. Life will get messy, and sometimes stay messy for a while. Just because it's happening, or going to happen, doesn't mean I have to spend my time and energy in it.
The perspective we have impacts our daily life. It impacts our heart, our minds, and our soul. It affects our relationships, especially our relationship with God. When we shift our perspective from negative to positive, we open ourselves up to so MANY opportunities of joy and grace and contentment. The hardest part about having a positive perspective is maintaining it... And that, my friends, I am still working on!
For a while now, I have been kind of seeing myself as a victim. A victim of a chaotic and overwhelming life, poor decisions, and relational failures. I would even go as far as saying there were many a time when I felt helpless (and hopeless). Things both in my control and out of my control happened, and all I could really see were the negative things. My perspective each day was that this life is HARD, and it's always going to be HARD, and there's nothing I can do about it.
BUT, the pity party had to end. I am NOT a victim. I am not helpless. And I am certainly not hopeless. I just needed to spend less time (if not NO time) looking at the bad stuff, and way more time on the good stuff. I needed to find the awesome things that were happening... And, let me tell you, there are A LOT of awesome things happening!
For one, I have learned some amazing things about myself. Tough journeys and events in life always shape me more and more into who God created me to be. I am learning to trust myself more, rely on other's opinions less, and to stand on the two feet God gave me with confidence. Things have been hard, BUT I don't have to spend all of my time focused on it.
I have been blessed with an amazing family, who has been relatively healthy this winter. Yes, we've gotten the head cold thing, and 4 of the guys got the stomach flu, BUT none of us have been sick for very long. None of us have been deathly sick. And, although going through the sicknesses at the time STINKS (sometimes literally), we truly have been blessed. We've had medications to help with symptoms, antibiotics to kick out the germs, and comfy beds and couches to rest on. There could definitely be worse places to be when sick!
We've been faced with tough decisions, and like I have said before, I miss the days when my hardest decision was what to have for lunch. Do we send Ben to Kindergarten or keep him in Preschool another year? How do we deal with the ever changing issues Tyler has been struggling with at home? What areas can we cut out of our budget? What can we sell, what do we keep? Should one of us get a second job?
Yep, that's the kind of stuff we have been facing. Some were easier than others to decide on. What I lost sight of were the amazing things that will come out of those decisions. No matter what would be decided, God would have blessed us. He would be present with Ben whether he went to Kindergarten or Preschool. God has always been, and always will be, with Tyler and us through the daily struggles of extreme chattiness and meltdowns. God's hand has ALWAYS been guiding us through our financial issues and He has blessed us time and time again.
My lack of a positive perspective left me feeling isolated, overwhelmed, and lost. My negative perspective kept me buried in the junk and messiness of my life. When I began to change what I was looking at, what I would focus my attention on, I started to see past the messiness. I started to see the amazing things that were happening amidst the junk.
The junk is going to happen. And messiness is just a part of life on earth. BUT, I don't have to let it bury me. I can spend my time looking at my 4 beautiful boys, and how their lives are starting to unfold. God has really blessed my husband and me with them... There's not a day that goes by that God isn't using them and growing them.
I have a lot of things to be thankful for, a lot of blessings that fill my heart with joy: good jobs, great family and friends, opportunities to serve God, a solid plan to get financially stable. Bad things WILL happen. Life will get messy, and sometimes stay messy for a while. Just because it's happening, or going to happen, doesn't mean I have to spend my time and energy in it.
The perspective we have impacts our daily life. It impacts our heart, our minds, and our soul. It affects our relationships, especially our relationship with God. When we shift our perspective from negative to positive, we open ourselves up to so MANY opportunities of joy and grace and contentment. The hardest part about having a positive perspective is maintaining it... And that, my friends, I am still working on!
Thursday, January 29, 2015
Squelching Fear
So, I have to admit that I live a life in a lot of fear... But I'm not afraid of things that most people are afraid of. I'm not afraid of heights, or small spaces, or germs. I'm not afraid of sharks (but then again, I have never been in a place where I would need to be afraid of them). I'm not afraid of snakes, unlike my husband. I do have a healthy fear of bees, but I feel that it's a reasonable fear, since, well, they sting and whatnot.
No, my fears are bigger. My fears are life-altering and have held me back from many things. They impact my daily life, and it's time I once and for all release them. The first step: admitting to what they are. I am afraid of failing. I am afraid of succeeding. And, I am afraid of being "stuck" in maintenance mode.
When you look at my three biggest fears, it kind of explains the conundrum I am in. I'm afraid to fail, so I am super cautious to try anything I don't already know how to do. I am afraid to succeed, and so I constantly get in my own way to keep me from doing more. And, by not trying new things and by getting in my own way, I force myself to never truly move out of maintenance mode. Maintenance mode is not a place I like to be in. It's a vicious cycle of my life that I so desperately need to stop.
But, it's not that easy. The second step for me to release my fears is to know what I need to do with them. If I want to move past the fear of failing, I need to trust that even IF I fail, I will be okay. (And, well, we all know that failure is a part of life and that it WILL happen.) If I want to move past my fear of succeeding (and yes, I know it sounds a bit odd), I need to trust in the person that God created me to be, AND trust that God has got my back. If I want to relieve the fear of being "stuck" then I need to work on the other fears, which takes a whole lot of trust in God.
The answer to my fears (and to yours)... TRUST. Yep, one small five letter word is all I need to move from fear to a life of living. And yet, that one word is probably my biggest stumbling block. I struggle to trust who I am, my decisions, my ideas. I struggle to trust people. And the older I get, the more I realize the biggest trust issue I have is with God.
I trust God with the things I can see and predict. I trust him with my boys, my husband, my family. I believe in what He has done in my life and others' lives. I KNOW the amazing things He has taught me in my 34 years. I can see His hand in my life. But, somehow, I still struggle to trust Him with the things unknown in my life.
I struggle to trust in who He has made me. That struggle comes out in my lack of self-confidence and the constant conversations in my head that go against everything God says about me and my worth. My husband and friends and family remind me often of who I am and the things I have to offer this world. I try to hold on to that, but ultimately, it's a wasted effort because I end up internally disputing all they say. (Insert the many moments my husband and friends and family want to bang their heads against a wall or want to shake me.)
My fears can't be helped by my husband, my friends, or my family. My deep rooted fears can only be squelched by putting my TOTAL TRUST in God. To put every ounce of my being into believing in the person God has created me to be. To believe that my unique giftings and perspective were given to me to do good for Him. To trust that He knows what He's doing with me and through me.
It is time for me to not let my fear of failure run my life. I will fail. I will probably fail often. I will fail as a mom, a wife, a friend, a director. I will fail to remember important things. I will fail financially. BUT, I will survive each and every failure. I will take each failure and will get up, dust myself off, and try again.
It is time for me to stay out of my own way and to allow success to happen. I don't know what that success will look like. It could be the small desires of my heart, or even the large desires of my heart. But, success will happen. I just need to move out of God's way, and trust Him. (Of course, I will need to make a major shift in my daily conversations with myself.)
God is doing some amazing things and I want to be a part of it. And so, it is time that I no longer live in fear. I will still feel the fear (because unfortunately, I cannot snap my fingers and make it disappear), but I do not have to live in it. I have the choice to feel the fear and give it to God or to hold on to it. I have held on to my feelings of fear for too long. It is time to give it all to God.
So, watch out world. I am coming, and I will not run away. (Unless of course there's a swarm of bees... In which case, I'm gonna be running!)
No, my fears are bigger. My fears are life-altering and have held me back from many things. They impact my daily life, and it's time I once and for all release them. The first step: admitting to what they are. I am afraid of failing. I am afraid of succeeding. And, I am afraid of being "stuck" in maintenance mode.
When you look at my three biggest fears, it kind of explains the conundrum I am in. I'm afraid to fail, so I am super cautious to try anything I don't already know how to do. I am afraid to succeed, and so I constantly get in my own way to keep me from doing more. And, by not trying new things and by getting in my own way, I force myself to never truly move out of maintenance mode. Maintenance mode is not a place I like to be in. It's a vicious cycle of my life that I so desperately need to stop.
But, it's not that easy. The second step for me to release my fears is to know what I need to do with them. If I want to move past the fear of failing, I need to trust that even IF I fail, I will be okay. (And, well, we all know that failure is a part of life and that it WILL happen.) If I want to move past my fear of succeeding (and yes, I know it sounds a bit odd), I need to trust in the person that God created me to be, AND trust that God has got my back. If I want to relieve the fear of being "stuck" then I need to work on the other fears, which takes a whole lot of trust in God.
The answer to my fears (and to yours)... TRUST. Yep, one small five letter word is all I need to move from fear to a life of living. And yet, that one word is probably my biggest stumbling block. I struggle to trust who I am, my decisions, my ideas. I struggle to trust people. And the older I get, the more I realize the biggest trust issue I have is with God.
I trust God with the things I can see and predict. I trust him with my boys, my husband, my family. I believe in what He has done in my life and others' lives. I KNOW the amazing things He has taught me in my 34 years. I can see His hand in my life. But, somehow, I still struggle to trust Him with the things unknown in my life.
I struggle to trust in who He has made me. That struggle comes out in my lack of self-confidence and the constant conversations in my head that go against everything God says about me and my worth. My husband and friends and family remind me often of who I am and the things I have to offer this world. I try to hold on to that, but ultimately, it's a wasted effort because I end up internally disputing all they say. (Insert the many moments my husband and friends and family want to bang their heads against a wall or want to shake me.)
My fears can't be helped by my husband, my friends, or my family. My deep rooted fears can only be squelched by putting my TOTAL TRUST in God. To put every ounce of my being into believing in the person God has created me to be. To believe that my unique giftings and perspective were given to me to do good for Him. To trust that He knows what He's doing with me and through me.
It is time for me to not let my fear of failure run my life. I will fail. I will probably fail often. I will fail as a mom, a wife, a friend, a director. I will fail to remember important things. I will fail financially. BUT, I will survive each and every failure. I will take each failure and will get up, dust myself off, and try again.
It is time for me to stay out of my own way and to allow success to happen. I don't know what that success will look like. It could be the small desires of my heart, or even the large desires of my heart. But, success will happen. I just need to move out of God's way, and trust Him. (Of course, I will need to make a major shift in my daily conversations with myself.)
God is doing some amazing things and I want to be a part of it. And so, it is time that I no longer live in fear. I will still feel the fear (because unfortunately, I cannot snap my fingers and make it disappear), but I do not have to live in it. I have the choice to feel the fear and give it to God or to hold on to it. I have held on to my feelings of fear for too long. It is time to give it all to God.
So, watch out world. I am coming, and I will not run away. (Unless of course there's a swarm of bees... In which case, I'm gonna be running!)
Thursday, January 8, 2015
In the Silence
First off, Happy New Year! It's crazy to think another year has past... It's even crazier to think another year is upon us.
It's been a while since I have last written. And I would love to say it's just because I have been very busy. BUT, honestly, it's because I've been running... Running away from the sweet moments with God that always come with writing. I have tried to avoid the deafening sounds of the silence that leaves me vulnerable and often times scared of what God will reveal to me. I haven't wanted to truly face the emotions and thoughts that have been filling my head and heart these past several months. The silence that is here in this moment feels more like an overwhelming flood than a peaceful wave.
BUT, it's time... It's time I face the silence, and all that comes with it. It's time for me to be real and vulnerable and frankly, UGLY. God's been calling me to this quiet time for weeks. He's been wanting to connect with me, but I have found every excuse in the book to avoid it. I have run out of excuses and energy.
A lot of different things have happened in the past months that have been painful to go through. There's been loss, hurt, a sense of betrayal, struggles with parenting, struggles with health, struggles to find my place and purpose... With each moment came a sense of defeat, a feeling that my heart couldn't take another blow. I was left longing to run to God's arms. For Him to wrap His arms around me like my earthly father does, and to hold me until all seemed right again. But I felt I couldn't run to Him. For some time, I wasn't sure I could fully trust Him. I see Him as a father, but no father would ever allow for their child to get hurt. And He did (or so I felt). He knew what was coming and gave me no warning. No head's up that my life was going to change, and that change would bring heartache.
A friend helped me to see that it wasn't that God allowed these things to happen to hurt me, but to help me grow. His plans, although painful to go through sometimes, are ultimately to make me who He wants me to be. But, I still sit here in the silence uncomfortable. Awkwardly aware that this quiet time brings out the best in me AND the worst in me. The growth I have made, the insight I have gained does very little to squash the hurt and anger and utter exhaustion that stirs in my heart.
I want nothing more than to bring God my best, and only my best. So I have avoided meeting with Him because I have very little "best" to bring Him. The act of avoidance has been exhausting, fighting off the many attempts God has made to reach me. But, He is getting through to me and He's using my 4 year old son to do it.
Benjamin LOVES to sing, and he has really taken to the song "Greater" by MercyMe (which I highly recommend you all listen to). And so, he sings it incessantly. He'll be playing with his brothers and will suddenly break out in song. He wakes up singing it and goes to sleep singing it. We have watched the music video more times than I can count. The song has become a nonstop musical number in my head. I never really listened to the words. But as he continued to sing it over and over and over again, I began to listen to what he was singing. (It's very hard to ignore a cute 4 year old singing!)
"Bring your doubts
And bring your fears
Bring your hurt
And bring your tears
There'll be no condemnation here
You are holy, righteous and redeemed"
I have been avoiding connecting with God because all I really had in my heart was doubt, and fear, and hurt. All very ugly things. And the song reminds me that God wants me to bring those things to Him. He won't condemn me or judge me. He just wants to hold me, and love me, and remind me that I am His. It's taken a 4 year old little boy singing to bring me back to this quiet time. To not be afraid to bring my ugliness into the silence. And to not be afraid of what the silence will bring for me.
We all have times in our lives where we long for God and yet push Him away at the same time. But I need to remember that no matter how much I push Him away, He is always trying to pull me closer. And He will use whatever is necessary to reach me (and you). Let Him reach you. Let Him pull you close and tell you that you are His and you are loved. It's worth the awkward (and sometimes painful) moments in silence.
It's been a while since I have last written. And I would love to say it's just because I have been very busy. BUT, honestly, it's because I've been running... Running away from the sweet moments with God that always come with writing. I have tried to avoid the deafening sounds of the silence that leaves me vulnerable and often times scared of what God will reveal to me. I haven't wanted to truly face the emotions and thoughts that have been filling my head and heart these past several months. The silence that is here in this moment feels more like an overwhelming flood than a peaceful wave.
BUT, it's time... It's time I face the silence, and all that comes with it. It's time for me to be real and vulnerable and frankly, UGLY. God's been calling me to this quiet time for weeks. He's been wanting to connect with me, but I have found every excuse in the book to avoid it. I have run out of excuses and energy.
A lot of different things have happened in the past months that have been painful to go through. There's been loss, hurt, a sense of betrayal, struggles with parenting, struggles with health, struggles to find my place and purpose... With each moment came a sense of defeat, a feeling that my heart couldn't take another blow. I was left longing to run to God's arms. For Him to wrap His arms around me like my earthly father does, and to hold me until all seemed right again. But I felt I couldn't run to Him. For some time, I wasn't sure I could fully trust Him. I see Him as a father, but no father would ever allow for their child to get hurt. And He did (or so I felt). He knew what was coming and gave me no warning. No head's up that my life was going to change, and that change would bring heartache.
A friend helped me to see that it wasn't that God allowed these things to happen to hurt me, but to help me grow. His plans, although painful to go through sometimes, are ultimately to make me who He wants me to be. But, I still sit here in the silence uncomfortable. Awkwardly aware that this quiet time brings out the best in me AND the worst in me. The growth I have made, the insight I have gained does very little to squash the hurt and anger and utter exhaustion that stirs in my heart.
I want nothing more than to bring God my best, and only my best. So I have avoided meeting with Him because I have very little "best" to bring Him. The act of avoidance has been exhausting, fighting off the many attempts God has made to reach me. But, He is getting through to me and He's using my 4 year old son to do it.
Benjamin LOVES to sing, and he has really taken to the song "Greater" by MercyMe (which I highly recommend you all listen to). And so, he sings it incessantly. He'll be playing with his brothers and will suddenly break out in song. He wakes up singing it and goes to sleep singing it. We have watched the music video more times than I can count. The song has become a nonstop musical number in my head. I never really listened to the words. But as he continued to sing it over and over and over again, I began to listen to what he was singing. (It's very hard to ignore a cute 4 year old singing!)
"Bring your doubts
And bring your fears
Bring your hurt
And bring your tears
There'll be no condemnation here
You are holy, righteous and redeemed"
I have been avoiding connecting with God because all I really had in my heart was doubt, and fear, and hurt. All very ugly things. And the song reminds me that God wants me to bring those things to Him. He won't condemn me or judge me. He just wants to hold me, and love me, and remind me that I am His. It's taken a 4 year old little boy singing to bring me back to this quiet time. To not be afraid to bring my ugliness into the silence. And to not be afraid of what the silence will bring for me.
We all have times in our lives where we long for God and yet push Him away at the same time. But I need to remember that no matter how much I push Him away, He is always trying to pull me closer. And He will use whatever is necessary to reach me (and you). Let Him reach you. Let Him pull you close and tell you that you are His and you are loved. It's worth the awkward (and sometimes painful) moments in silence.
Thursday, November 20, 2014
Keeping this season SIMPLE
If you can believe, the holiday season is upon us... Thanksgiving is only a week away, and Christmas is not that far behind. So much excitement, so much joy... And, so much stress. This time of year can bring SO MUCH STRESS! Between obligations and over-the-top shopping, baking, hosting and party hopping, we all seem to need a vacation after Christmas.
I, in the past, have been quite stressed during the holiday season. I LOVE to bake. Like, I could spend days in the kitchen baking and never get tired of it. SO, when this season rolls around, I have tons of excuses to bake, whether it's for a party or gifts for teachers or just because Christmas cookies are yummy! I also love to throw a good dinner party. You know, where cloth napkins and real dishes are used (yep, no plastic plates for company!). The spread of food covers our countertops and we're left with leftovers for days.
But the over-the-top baking and big dinner parties bring a whole lot of extra work and stress. And the joy I find in doing all of that doesn't always outweigh the stress that comes with it. I have found myself so wrapped up in the hustle and bustle of list writing and shopping that I have completely missed the joy.
So, this year, I am scaling back a bit. Things are going to be different. I will still get to bake and have dinners, but no more over-the-top... No more trying to match "Good Housekeeping" cover photos. No more trying to cram so much activity into such a small amount of time.
The past few months have been very difficult for me, both physically and emotionally. I feel exhausted and vulnerable, which is not exactly the best way to start out the holiday season... But, this year, I think it might just be a good thing. I am being forced into truly focusing on what's important. The baking, although I do love to do it, is NOT the important thing... Cramming events into an already tight schedule is not what I should be doing this year, even though it means missing out on time spent with family and friends. No, what I need to focus on is keeping this season SIMPLE.
What would SIMPLE look like to you? For me and for my family, simple looks like more nights curled up on the couch reading books and watching corny Christmas movies. Simple looks like four monkeys and a mama rolling Snickerdoodle cookie balls in metal pie plates coated with cinnamon sugar like I did with my dad when I was little. It looks like saying NO to things we have said yes to in the past.
What would SIMPLE feel like to you? To me, simple would feel like peace... No anxiety about the mounds of things to do (because there will less to do), but just a sense of calmness and connectedness.
I want to spend this season having the time and energy to feel God's love and grace. I want the time and energy to truly be grateful for the life that God has given me. I want to use the time and energy I have to connect with my boys and Kevin and family in a way that honors God. And, the only way I can do that is by scaling back and keeping things simple.
Things will look and feel different for the Schussler household this holiday season. And, I am beyond excited to truly enjoy this time of year. I am excited to see the impact it will have on my family. I am praying for many "sweet moments of peace" for me and for my family this year. And, I think it might just happen! I pray you all can find those moments as well. Because, from what I have heard, those moments are AMAZING!
I, in the past, have been quite stressed during the holiday season. I LOVE to bake. Like, I could spend days in the kitchen baking and never get tired of it. SO, when this season rolls around, I have tons of excuses to bake, whether it's for a party or gifts for teachers or just because Christmas cookies are yummy! I also love to throw a good dinner party. You know, where cloth napkins and real dishes are used (yep, no plastic plates for company!). The spread of food covers our countertops and we're left with leftovers for days.
But the over-the-top baking and big dinner parties bring a whole lot of extra work and stress. And the joy I find in doing all of that doesn't always outweigh the stress that comes with it. I have found myself so wrapped up in the hustle and bustle of list writing and shopping that I have completely missed the joy.
So, this year, I am scaling back a bit. Things are going to be different. I will still get to bake and have dinners, but no more over-the-top... No more trying to match "Good Housekeeping" cover photos. No more trying to cram so much activity into such a small amount of time.
The past few months have been very difficult for me, both physically and emotionally. I feel exhausted and vulnerable, which is not exactly the best way to start out the holiday season... But, this year, I think it might just be a good thing. I am being forced into truly focusing on what's important. The baking, although I do love to do it, is NOT the important thing... Cramming events into an already tight schedule is not what I should be doing this year, even though it means missing out on time spent with family and friends. No, what I need to focus on is keeping this season SIMPLE.
What would SIMPLE look like to you? For me and for my family, simple looks like more nights curled up on the couch reading books and watching corny Christmas movies. Simple looks like four monkeys and a mama rolling Snickerdoodle cookie balls in metal pie plates coated with cinnamon sugar like I did with my dad when I was little. It looks like saying NO to things we have said yes to in the past.
What would SIMPLE feel like to you? To me, simple would feel like peace... No anxiety about the mounds of things to do (because there will less to do), but just a sense of calmness and connectedness.
I want to spend this season having the time and energy to feel God's love and grace. I want the time and energy to truly be grateful for the life that God has given me. I want to use the time and energy I have to connect with my boys and Kevin and family in a way that honors God. And, the only way I can do that is by scaling back and keeping things simple.
Things will look and feel different for the Schussler household this holiday season. And, I am beyond excited to truly enjoy this time of year. I am excited to see the impact it will have on my family. I am praying for many "sweet moments of peace" for me and for my family this year. And, I think it might just happen! I pray you all can find those moments as well. Because, from what I have heard, those moments are AMAZING!
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