Somewhere along the way, between my last post and today, I have had some of the happiest, proudest moments possible as a mom,wife, and Christian. I also have had some of the saddest, frustrating, and overall yuckiest moments as a mom, wife, and Christian. Today, I sit here typing wondering if TODAY is the ugliest moment as a Christian I have had in a long time... With tears streaming down my face and a strong urge to throw something, I am sure that God is sitting there, waiting for my temper tantrum to be done, so He can once again assure me that HIS plan is better than mine. And, in my head, I KNOW 100% His plan is better than mine. My heart, in it's million pieces, is not quite connected to my head...
Jeremiah 29:11-13 is something I have held on to for as long as I can remember. " 'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.' " I know this is true... He has proven it time and time again. I find myself wondering WHAT His plans are for me and unfortunately, He doesn't always share everything with me.
A week ago, Kevin came to me expressing how a 4 month old baby girl may need a home... Of course, I said "YES". This baby girl was born addicted to drugs, sent home to be with her grandparents, as her mother was mandated to clean up and get a job before the courts could consider trusting her to have custody. Last week, the mother refused the required drug test, causing the grandparents to gain temporary full custody. The hope of the grandfather (and of us) was that the courts would allow for us to adopt her. The grandfather is a co-worker of Kevin's and knew not only would we raise her well, but would allow him what he wants the most: to be her grandfather. We found out today that IF there's even talk of adoption, the mother's family would gain custody. And, NO ONE wants that for this precious baby. So, she will stay right where she is, in the loving arms of her grandparents...
Now, for anyone who knows me, my heart for children, especially children with special needs, is GINORMOUS. Within a matter of seconds, I had completely fallen in love with her and with the idea of bringing her into our family. I am saddened deeply by the fact that we will not be able to adopt her. More so, I am unsure of what part this all plays in God's plan for us. We WANT to adopt, and we know God will place the right child(ren) in our lives at the right time. And for the 2nd time in only a couple of years, God has given us an opportunity to say yes to bring a child(ren) into our home. Both times, we said, "yes." And both times, nothing more came of it.
It seems lately that there are many areas that God has asked me to say yes to Him, without actually following through with what I said yes to. And, as frustrating and saddening these times have been, I have to TRUST that God has something planned for me that I cannot see or even fathom. I have to trust the unseen and the unknown, but the unknown is scary to me. More scary than anything else. I am a planner, an organizer... I am wired to problem solve and to see all the possible paths and outcomes... But, God doesn't work that way. I can't go much past today in planning. I can't possibly know what paths to look at, and certainly cannot foresee the outcomes. All I can do is focus on right now and TRUST that He knows what He's doing. I have to trust that His plans are not to hurt me, but to shape me. They are not to bring me down, but to build me up. And, they are certainly not intended to make me lose hope in Him. Rather, His plans are a fulfillment of His hope and grace for me.
Life never happens the way we expect it to. I can list a dozen people who are facing that reality this very second, whether it's due to cancer, job issues, the loss of a family member, or just having to WAIT on God. But, what I hold on to more than I hold to anything in this world is the promise that God has a plan. I may throw my temper tantrums, and I may wonder what His plan is... But, I ALWAYS know His plan is far better than anything I could ever imagine. I just have to TRUST Him... And remember to not stand in His way!
