"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance." James 1:2
I remember reading that verse years ago, and chuckling to myself. The words "trials" and "joy" were not at all words I would have put together in a sentence. Who in their right mind would have joy in times of trial? In my head, I eventually learned what that meant. The joy James was talking about wasn't something that equated to a giddy, happiness. Rather, it is an emotion intended to feel past the yuckiness and into what God is truly doing with you. The joy comes from the BIGGER PICTURE... My heart, however, took many more years to really figure it out. (As it tends to go with me. My heart is always slower to learn things!)
As I get older and experience more trials, I have focused more on what James was saying. I could easily get wrapped up in the trials, as there tends to be many at one time. I could wallow in discouragement (as I was in this post: Discouraged) for quite a long time. But, after a few moments, sometimes days (and even weeks), I move from that discouragement to a place of almost joy. My trials are still there. They don't suddenly disappear when my attitude changes. I am still a mom of 4 boys. I am still trying to juggle the needs of 2 boys on the Spectrum, as well as working a full time job. And, oh yeah, let's not forget that I have a husband and a house and friends. Financial issues, sickness, and other hard times still hit my household. None of that has changed. BUT, the way I see things has changed immensely.
I find myself in a place where I have not only accepted that this is my life, but I have found ways to see that this life is a GIFT from God. The trials and frustrations I face are a way for God to shape me and mold me into what HE has created me for. Each trial sharpens me. Each frustration allows an opportunity to become MORE FOCUSED on Him. It teaches me to persevere through the trials, because the end is so worth it!
Ultimately, we are not here to have an easy life. God NEVER promised for an easy life on earth. He pretty much promised that we would face trials. But it's those trials that can strengthen our faith. If we move from discouragement, and fear, and anger, to trust and faith that God's intentions for us are good, we can find a way to find joy. And those moments of joy help us to persevere through the next trial. Because, with each trial, with each moment of joy within the trial, we see God even more. We see we can trust Him and His plan. We can see His hand in the trial, and we can hold on to His truth.
I can honestly say that I am thankful for the life God has given me. I am thankful for the good things that God has given me, like a wonderful husband and 4 beautiful boys. I am thankful for my job, as it is way MORE than just a job. I am grateful for the friends and family in my life.
But, here's the thing. I am also thankful for the moments in my life that have not been so good. I am thankful not that I lost a baby girl at only 15 weeks pregnant, but I am thankful that God was there to help pull me through. I am not thankful that 2 of my sons are on the Autism Spectrum, but I am thankful that God helps me help them. With every trial, no matter how hard, I am thankful that I have a God that I can trust. And it is that trust, and that faith in Him, that helps me wake up every morning and go to bed every night, ready to persevere through the trials. It is my faith in HIM and HIS plans for me that allow me to find joy, even in the midst of some really hard times.
I am not perfect. It sometimes takes a LONG time for me to find even a glimmer of joy when life is not going my way. And it is definitely NOT a pretty process (you can ask my husband and friends)! But it is worth the ugliness to find the joy. Because I have found that it is the joy in knowing God is shaping me and molding me in the hard times that keeps me going.
Monday, July 22, 2013
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
Discouraged
I wish I had something extremely positive to write... I wish my head was flooded with awesomeness, waiting to explode onto this page. Instead, I feel discouraged and tired and just plain worn out. I had promised when I started this blog that I would be open and honest, because my journey is no different than anyone else's. It is filled with highs and lows, and I strongly believe that sharing my lows may help someone just as much as sharing my highs.
Life with 4 boys and a husband (and a full time job, a house to keep, etc.) can be crazy at times. The noise level alone in our house can drive some people to insanity! The tornado effect that the boys have can be disheartening, when after I work so hard to clean, they demolish it within seconds. Oh, and let's not even get started on the bickering that occurs! It is amazing to me that they can fight over a car, even though there are 20 other cars (some that are the exact same car) sitting within 2 feet of them.
There is no time, no room, and frankly, no energy to pursue any creative projects. I have 2 projects waiting to be started that should have been finished 3 months ago. There's a bedroom waiting to be transformed into an oasis for me... A space where I can close the door and feel peace. Too bad it requires work and time that I just can't find.
But, I have to tell you, that stuff is not what leaves me truly discouraged at this moment. I feel discouraged because I feel my parenting isn't enough for my boys... I feel like their sudden emotional mood swings and utter meltdowns are somehow my fault. (I know in my head that's not the case. But my heart is not so convinced.) I have no idea how to help a couple of my boys work through whatever they are going through, and I feel helpless. I am the one who everyone turns to when they don't understand Ben. I am the one who helps create a plan to keep Tyler on the right track. I am the one who should know how to figure out Zachary. And right now, I have no answers. All I can do is trust God to provide the answers. And, I have to tell you, when Ben is so upset he can barely breathe, waiting for God's answer can be tough!
Picture yourself in a small room with a teeny tiny door... You are wearing the scratchiest, most uncomfortable outfit you can think of (think burlap). You have 3 different heavy metal bands all playing at the same time. Some random person keeps poking you. You have to go to the bathroom. And while all this is happening, your boss is trying to explain an extremely important project to you (one that could make or break your job). That is how it feels to be in Ben's shoes. Or at least that's how I believe he feels. There are moments when he can't stand being in his own skin. He can't always understand the world around him. And to make things worse, what makes him feels better one moment can make him feel worse another. Tantrums and crying and meltdowns are common place in our house. Sharing and being nice can be tough for 4 young boys. But when Ben truly melts down, it's not about the car or the sharing. It's so about so much more. And there is NOTHING I can do for him. He has to figure it out on his own. He reaches the point of no return...
In those moments, I feel helpless. I feel that as a mom I am failing. It is MY job to comfort my boys. It is my job to know how to discipline them. It is my job to know the difference between a normal tantrum and a "I don't want to be in my own skin" meltdown. And yet, I know nothing. It will take me days, if not weeks, to test run different theories on what's making Ben uncomfortable. It will take a lot of trial and error to find ways to calm him. (Which, by the way, will change by the time we figure it all out!)
I don't share this with you because I want you to feel bad for me. I know God is with me and my family and I know He will take care of my boys. Somewhere inside me I know that this too shall pass and as long as I cling to God, everything will be okay.
I share this with you because I am not the only mom who feels this way. I know that there are so many moms of Special Needs kids (not to mention all other moms) who feel alone and lost... Many of whom don't realize that we all have these thoughts and feelings. I share because I don't want people to ever feel like they are the only ones who get discouraged, or scared, or frustrated. I am honest (maybe sometimes too honest) about my journey because I know God can use my story somehow...
Life with 4 boys and a husband (and a full time job, a house to keep, etc.) can be crazy at times. The noise level alone in our house can drive some people to insanity! The tornado effect that the boys have can be disheartening, when after I work so hard to clean, they demolish it within seconds. Oh, and let's not even get started on the bickering that occurs! It is amazing to me that they can fight over a car, even though there are 20 other cars (some that are the exact same car) sitting within 2 feet of them.
There is no time, no room, and frankly, no energy to pursue any creative projects. I have 2 projects waiting to be started that should have been finished 3 months ago. There's a bedroom waiting to be transformed into an oasis for me... A space where I can close the door and feel peace. Too bad it requires work and time that I just can't find.
But, I have to tell you, that stuff is not what leaves me truly discouraged at this moment. I feel discouraged because I feel my parenting isn't enough for my boys... I feel like their sudden emotional mood swings and utter meltdowns are somehow my fault. (I know in my head that's not the case. But my heart is not so convinced.) I have no idea how to help a couple of my boys work through whatever they are going through, and I feel helpless. I am the one who everyone turns to when they don't understand Ben. I am the one who helps create a plan to keep Tyler on the right track. I am the one who should know how to figure out Zachary. And right now, I have no answers. All I can do is trust God to provide the answers. And, I have to tell you, when Ben is so upset he can barely breathe, waiting for God's answer can be tough!
Picture yourself in a small room with a teeny tiny door... You are wearing the scratchiest, most uncomfortable outfit you can think of (think burlap). You have 3 different heavy metal bands all playing at the same time. Some random person keeps poking you. You have to go to the bathroom. And while all this is happening, your boss is trying to explain an extremely important project to you (one that could make or break your job). That is how it feels to be in Ben's shoes. Or at least that's how I believe he feels. There are moments when he can't stand being in his own skin. He can't always understand the world around him. And to make things worse, what makes him feels better one moment can make him feel worse another. Tantrums and crying and meltdowns are common place in our house. Sharing and being nice can be tough for 4 young boys. But when Ben truly melts down, it's not about the car or the sharing. It's so about so much more. And there is NOTHING I can do for him. He has to figure it out on his own. He reaches the point of no return...
In those moments, I feel helpless. I feel that as a mom I am failing. It is MY job to comfort my boys. It is my job to know how to discipline them. It is my job to know the difference between a normal tantrum and a "I don't want to be in my own skin" meltdown. And yet, I know nothing. It will take me days, if not weeks, to test run different theories on what's making Ben uncomfortable. It will take a lot of trial and error to find ways to calm him. (Which, by the way, will change by the time we figure it all out!)
I don't share this with you because I want you to feel bad for me. I know God is with me and my family and I know He will take care of my boys. Somewhere inside me I know that this too shall pass and as long as I cling to God, everything will be okay.
I share this with you because I am not the only mom who feels this way. I know that there are so many moms of Special Needs kids (not to mention all other moms) who feel alone and lost... Many of whom don't realize that we all have these thoughts and feelings. I share because I don't want people to ever feel like they are the only ones who get discouraged, or scared, or frustrated. I am honest (maybe sometimes too honest) about my journey because I know God can use my story somehow...
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