Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Missing Sammy

Today is a very special and very sad day all wrapped into one.  Today marks 5 years since we lost our daughter, Sammy.  I thought I would spend a few moments sharing about her and the journey I have been on since finding out we were expecting her.

5 months after Patrick (our first) was born, we were surprised to find out we were expecting another baby.  Shock was pretty much all we felt initially.  This baby was not in our plans.  There wasn't much we could do, but work on getting excited about the inevitable...  Our family was growing! 

After a couple weeks, we had embraced the idea of having another baby.  We were excited to have 2 babies in the house.  We knew Patrick and this new baby would be great friends.  Kevin started working on the new room for Patrick so that the baby could move into the nursery.  We had heard the baby's heartbeat and knew that God was blessing us.

And, then, one morning, everything changed.  15 weeks into my pregnancy, there was spotting, and I knew something was wrong.  I made an appointment with my OB and an ultrasound for that day.  I remember waiting in the waiting room for over an hour because there was a back up with patients.  I sat there praying harder than I think I have ever prayed, just asking for God's healing. 
Once called back, I clearly remember laying on the table with the ultrasound technician telling me that sometimes it takes a minute or two to find the sweet spot to see the heart.  After 5 minutes, with no sign of a heartbeat, he called in another technician.  And, after another 5 minutes, a call was made to my OB. 

There was no heartbeat.  I stared at the screen, wishing the baby's heart to suddenly start beating.  But, that didn't happen.  Rather, the doctor's nurse came to take me up to a private office.  There, in an office filled with pictures of the OB's large family, the OB explained to me what I had already figured out.  We had lost our baby...  The rest of that morning and afternoon are a blur.  I know I had to sit with the scheduling nurse to arrange the surgery necessary.  I know I headed back to work to pick up Patrick.  And, somewhere along the way, I know that I went to the hospital for surgery.

There were so many times that I just wanted to break down, but there was something keeping me from losing it.  Kevin and I even sat waiting before the surgery joking around with the nurses.  But, it hit me on our way home.  I sat in the car weeping.  I vividly remember sobbing that they "took my baby".  It was devastating.  And poor Kevin just didn't know what to do to help me.  We named the baby Sammy, so that we could grieve fully.

We gave permission for them to do testing to see if they could find the cause of the miscarriage.  And, weeks later, we found out not only that the baby died from a genetic disorder, but that the baby was a GIRL.  (And as most know by now, she was our ONLY girl.)  The guilt that I believe both Kevin and I had dissipated as we learned there was absolutely nothing we could have done.  We had to accept that GOD's will was for Sammy to be with HIM.  (Which, by the way, was NOT an easy thing.)

I say that this day is not only sad, but special.  This was the only day I ever got to SEE Sammy.  This was more importantly the day that I truly realized that God was ultimately in control.  I had no choice but to follow Him, to lean on Him, and to trust Him.  I would not have survived without God's love and grace.  There were definitely moments of temper tantrums on my part...  But, He held me and loved me, even during my fits.

I miss our baby girl.  My heart aches to see her just one more time.  I want to know who she looks like.  Could she actually look like me, with dark eyes and hair?  Or does she look just like her brothers do?  Does she have Kevin's fun loving spirit or my sensibility?  Someday, I pray that I will find out.  But, for now, I hold on to the fact that God had plans for her, even though she never saw the light of day.  And someday, her brothers will know about her.  Everyone should know about her...

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Whose Voice?

I often find myself struggling to listen to God's voice...  I tend to hear my own inner voices (which are typically NOT the most positive) or I rely on the voices of those nearest to me.  Overall, the voices of those I am closest to are positive and re-affirming, and just plain nice to hear.  My husband's voice or my mom's voice help me become grounded again when my own voice starts to tear me down.  BUT, God's voice, I often miss because I am not quiet enough to hear Him.

Sometimes, there are other voices that say some very hurtful things.  Things that are not necessarily true or accurate.  Those voices, although they don't happen nearly as often, are always the loudest.  They are the voices that I cannot shake.  They spit out judgements and painful words that can cripple me.  One of those voices can outweigh the 20 other voices that have good things to say.  What's worse is that that one hurtful voice and opinion can mute out God's voice all together for me.

It shouldn't be that way.  No human's words or voice should ever mask God's voice... But, I find myself sometimes not hearing HIS voice over the hurtful voice.  I begin to believe what others say about who I am or what I have done.  I lose sight of who God thinks I am.  I get so engrossed in one person's opinion of me that I no longer can see what God sees. 

It's not easy for me to let go of what other people say about me, especially when it's negative.  I guess you could say I am very "thin" skinned.  But, I have to remember that ultimately, all that matters is what God says and thinks.  HE loves me.  HE created me to be me.  HE has plans for me.  And, if I choose to listen to everyone else, I can easily miss what HE is saying. 

I, in no way, have mastered listening to God's voice.  I struggle daily to ensure that the decisions I make are based on what God wants.  Negative emails, phone calls, in person conflict can devastate me in a matter of moments.  BUT, I strive to push all of it aside and listen to HIM.  It isn't easy.  AT ALL.  But, there is no better voice to listen to than that of our FATHER. 

Friday, March 2, 2012

Everything You Need

Our household has been spectacular this cold season in sharing every boogie nose and nasty cough that has passed through.  The youngest 2, especially.  They are tired and cranky and they make going through a day rather challenging. 

Zachary is getting over his cold, and Benjamin is just starting to suffer from the chest cold.  I know this because I spent much of my night up with him.  He would sleep for half an hour or so, and then wake up crying.  I tried giving him medicine, but I'd have an easier time giving a real monkey medicine.  Medicine spilled, got spit out ON me, and by midnight, I was pretty much out of ideas. 

To add to the sleepless night, once Ben finally fell asleep, this mama kept having nightmares.  There were at least 3, all with the same general idea: LOSS.  Loss of Kevin, loss of the boys.  They seemed so very real.

With all of that said, the alarm went off at 5:30 for Kevin, and I woke up exhausted!  I have felt this way many times throughout the course of the past 5 years.  Having kids will do that to you... 

I do not drink coffee or any caffeinated drinks, so I have no artificial energy to pull from.  There are mornings (like today) where I am not sure how I will even get OUT of bed, let alone get 4 boys up, dressed and fed.  My tired prayer of, "Please, Lord, help me survive the day" is barely audible as I crawl into the shower.  But, by the time my shower is over and I am snuggling with bright eyed children, I have enough energy to start my day.  The energy (maybe lower than normal) is enough to sustain me through the day.  I always survive, sometimes even accomplish things along the way.

It's not my shower that gives me the energy.  It's nothing I do that sustains me throughout the day.  It's all God.  He gives me EVERYTHING I need to get through not only the whole day, but every moment within the day.  There are times I am praying that He can give me enough energy to get the dishes done.  Or sometimes, it's a prayer to give me enough motivation to tackle the laundry.  And, there are many times I pray that He helps me NOT to put my whiney, fighting children out on the porch with a FREE sign. 

I can't imagine my day without God.  I can't imagine how I could ever make it through days like today without HIS help.  When I ask (and sometimes when I forget to ask), He is always there to give me everything I need to make it through each moment.  Even if it's just a little extra energy...