I met my husband I believe almost 13 years ago. He was the best friend of a guy I was dating my freshman year of college. I thought he was nice and attractive, but never thought about dating him (since I was already dating someone!) We "chatted" a few times on AOL Instant Messenger, but when his best friend and I broke things off, we didn't really talk. (Not because of hard feelings or anything... Just because we didn't see each other anymore.) Who would have thought 6 years later our lives would never be the same.
It had been 6 years since I had chatted with Kevin. Then, one random day, he IM'd me, saying that he didn't remember who I was and that if I didn't remind him, he would delete me. Yes, I said DELETE me. (He was cleaning out his IM list to fit the new kids he was working with at a church.) I reminded him, and thankfully, he didn't delete me. In fact, we started talking every day.
Within about 3 weeks, we had our first date. We went on a hike, then out to dinner. Now, some ladies may find some of the things he did kind of wrong... While on our hike, he spent at least 20 minutes on the phone with his brother, who was living in Las Vegas. I could have easily been offended, but instead, I was impressed that he valued that time with his brother. It was actually attractive to me.
There was another thing he did that I didn't even hear about until just before our wedding. Apparently, he had a gun on him during our first date. NO, I am not that scary or intimidating! It just so happens that he had a carrying permit and has "red neck" in his blood. I do joke with him to this day that he was carrying because he was afraid of a GIRL!
I quickly fell in love with him. I had experienced a bad long-term, serious relationship and knew what I wanted and needed in a man. And he had each quality that was important to me. His love for God, for children, and for music swept me off my feet!
Within 2 months of dating, we were engaged, and 6 months after that we were married. (And, if you are keeping track with my other blogs, we were pregnant with Patrick 6 months after that.) I was madly in love with Kevin. From the way he talked to people to the way he interacted with all ages of children, he was right for me. The feelings I had for him were bubbling over, and like any naive newlywed, I thought those feelings would last forever.
But, almost 7 years later, those bubbling, newlywed feelings have been replaced with a deep love and connection. We have travelled through this married life, trusting on God to get us through each day. We have seen heartache and trials and joys that words cannot describe. We have argued, forgiven, laughed, and cried. Most importantly, we have loved. Sometimes, loving him has been difficult. As with any marriage, becoming disconnected happens... And, for whatever reason, love does not necessarily flow as easily. But, I have learned those are the times when it is most important to love.
Love is not only something you receive or give. It is not just a feeling or emotion. Love is something that needs to be done. It needs to be an action. What that action looks like should depend on who it is you're loving on. For my husband, holding hands is an action of love. And, when I am upset with him, it's an action that he needs the most and I want to do the least. But, I am willing to stop at nothing to ensure that he is loved on.
I have loved my husband for a long time. I am still learning how to love on my husband, to love as verb, not just as a noun. But, God has been a fabulous example to both of us of what that looks like. There will still be days, sometimes even weeks, that loving him will not be easy. But, I am sure that I am not always so easy to love on, either! We made a promise years ago to each other, and that promise we will keep until God calls us home.
"My precious gift from God, with Christ as my model,
I promise to love you and cherish you,
To serve you and serve God with a willing heart,
To help you stay grounded in Christ and His love.
In times of pain and sorry, I will be your shoulder to cry on.
In times of joy, I will be your smile.
I promise to support you through all stages of life, until God calls me home."
(Our wedding vows... Reminds me of the ways I promised Kevin I would love on him.)
Friday, January 27, 2012
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
When Loss Turns to Gain
I have been thinking a lot about loss lately... All kinds of loss. Mostly the losses I have experienced in the last few years.
I am certainly no expert of great losses in life. I have been blessed to not have experienced the kind of catastrophic loss that some people have experienced. But, they were losses none the less.
There have been job losses, one of which was quite painful for me. I was working at a daycare center, was accused of things I never did (a very LONG story), was cleared of the accusations, and still was let go from the center. The loss of the job was devastating to the way I saw myself... I couldn't see how I was actually contributing to the family without bringing in the much needed money. BUT, with help from a good friend, and a lot of conversations with God, I GAINED quite a bit more than I ever could have imagined. I gained a new view of myself. I learned how to see value in what I could do for my family,even without a job. Without the experience of the job loss, I would not have been catapulted into an amazing journey of finding myself.
The greatest loss was the loss of our only daughter almost 5 years ago. Yes, a daughter. Shocking, I know! She was our first "surprise" baby, having gotten pregnant on birth control. Patrick was 4 or 5 months old at the time. It was quite a shock to us, and took us a few weeks to accept and be excited about. Once we were excited, we started making our plans for the rooms and making lists of things we needed. It was a completetly different pregnancy than my pregnancy with Patrick, as there was NO morning sickness. I felt great. Then, 12 weeks into my pregnancy, something went wrong, and we lost our baby. We named the baby Sammy, not knowing at the time what the gender was. The doctor chose to do testing to find out what caused the miscarriage. Weeks later we learned that the baby had Turner Syndrome, a disorder where females are missing one of their sex chromosomes. The doctor explained that had Sammy been born, there would have been a lot of complications and would have been a tough road.
So, Sammy was a girl. Our only girl. At the time, I would not have been able to say that there could be a gain from such a horrible loss. But, as the months and years went on, I learned that there were gains... They weren't easy to find, but they were there. A few months after our miscarriage, we decided we were ready to add on to our family. That was when Tyler came into the picture! Without the surprise of becoming pregnant with Sammy, and then the loss of her, we would not have even had a discussion about having another baby. But, we were ready. We wanted a sibling for Patrick. (And siblings he got!)
There were personal gains as well. There were the lessons in trusting God and His plans. There were lessons in leaning on friends and family for the support I so desperately needed. I also learned that I was much stronger than I ever gave myself credit for. There was a closeness with God that I had never felt before. Losing Sammy gave me a small glimpse into what it was like for God to lose His son. Only, He sent His son knowing that the loss would happen, with the intent that the loss happen.
There have been other losses, such as the loss of the dreams we originally had for Tyler, the loss of being able to birth any more children, and the loss of friendships. But, with each loss came a gain way bigger than I could have ever imagined. The pain was great, often times heart wrenching. It can take months, if not years, to see the gain, to heal from the pain. But I truly believe that God can turn any loss into a gain. He has for me...
I am certainly no expert of great losses in life. I have been blessed to not have experienced the kind of catastrophic loss that some people have experienced. But, they were losses none the less.
There have been job losses, one of which was quite painful for me. I was working at a daycare center, was accused of things I never did (a very LONG story), was cleared of the accusations, and still was let go from the center. The loss of the job was devastating to the way I saw myself... I couldn't see how I was actually contributing to the family without bringing in the much needed money. BUT, with help from a good friend, and a lot of conversations with God, I GAINED quite a bit more than I ever could have imagined. I gained a new view of myself. I learned how to see value in what I could do for my family,even without a job. Without the experience of the job loss, I would not have been catapulted into an amazing journey of finding myself.
The greatest loss was the loss of our only daughter almost 5 years ago. Yes, a daughter. Shocking, I know! She was our first "surprise" baby, having gotten pregnant on birth control. Patrick was 4 or 5 months old at the time. It was quite a shock to us, and took us a few weeks to accept and be excited about. Once we were excited, we started making our plans for the rooms and making lists of things we needed. It was a completetly different pregnancy than my pregnancy with Patrick, as there was NO morning sickness. I felt great. Then, 12 weeks into my pregnancy, something went wrong, and we lost our baby. We named the baby Sammy, not knowing at the time what the gender was. The doctor chose to do testing to find out what caused the miscarriage. Weeks later we learned that the baby had Turner Syndrome, a disorder where females are missing one of their sex chromosomes. The doctor explained that had Sammy been born, there would have been a lot of complications and would have been a tough road.
So, Sammy was a girl. Our only girl. At the time, I would not have been able to say that there could be a gain from such a horrible loss. But, as the months and years went on, I learned that there were gains... They weren't easy to find, but they were there. A few months after our miscarriage, we decided we were ready to add on to our family. That was when Tyler came into the picture! Without the surprise of becoming pregnant with Sammy, and then the loss of her, we would not have even had a discussion about having another baby. But, we were ready. We wanted a sibling for Patrick. (And siblings he got!)
There were personal gains as well. There were the lessons in trusting God and His plans. There were lessons in leaning on friends and family for the support I so desperately needed. I also learned that I was much stronger than I ever gave myself credit for. There was a closeness with God that I had never felt before. Losing Sammy gave me a small glimpse into what it was like for God to lose His son. Only, He sent His son knowing that the loss would happen, with the intent that the loss happen.
There have been other losses, such as the loss of the dreams we originally had for Tyler, the loss of being able to birth any more children, and the loss of friendships. But, with each loss came a gain way bigger than I could have ever imagined. The pain was great, often times heart wrenching. It can take months, if not years, to see the gain, to heal from the pain. But I truly believe that God can turn any loss into a gain. He has for me...
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Good Enough NEEDS to be Enough
As many people already know about me, I am somewhat of a perfectionist. If I am going to do something, I want to do it RIGHT. And, for me, right means Perfect. I do not expect perfection from others. My expectations for others are quite realistic. BUT, my expectations for myself far surpass realistic. This has been a struggle for me for as long as I can remember.
It has been a long journey to find more realistic expectations for myself. When Patrick was the only child, and I was working a full time job, I needed to do everything perfect. I needed myself to be everything a mom, wife, and employee SHOULD be. I lost my job while I was pregnant with Tyler, which sent me into a whirlwind of worthlessness. I felt I was no longer contributing to our household, even though I was home with Patrick and was keeping the house running smoothly. It took a lot for me to see my worth not only as a wife and mom, but as a child of God.
I continued to have HIGH expectations of myself, believing I needed to be everything to everyone. There was a constant dialogue in my head saying that I needed to do better. The dishes were dirty, the laundry was piling up, Tyler was more miserable than happy, and Patrick often times was left to entertain himself. BUT, what the dialogue wasn't saying was that the house was relatively straightened up, the boys always had clean clothes to wear, Tyler's miserableness had nothing to do with what I was doing, and that Patrick was happy entertaining himself.
When I was pregnant with Zachary, my expectations were so far from realistic it was ridiculous. I was put on "light duty" towards the end of my pregnancy, and had to allow others to help out with the boys and around the house. I thought I SHOULD be able to do it all, because I was the mommy and the wife. God had other plans. He used this time to show me that accepting help from others did not mean I was failing. It just meant that it was an opportunity to be blessed, and to even bless others. Being blessed I could understand, but it took several months to understand how people helping ME could actually bless them. It turns out we are all wired differently. Some people are wired to serve, and when given the opportunity to serve others, they are actually blessed!
It has taken over 3 years to be able to say, "My good enough IS enough." A husband, a house, a full time job, 4 beautiful boys, 2 very different special needs issues, and dreams/hopes for myself have left me accepting that my good enough NEEDS to be enough. I forget things (more often than I would like to admit), our house often times looks like the toybox threw up all over it, dishes pile up, laundry becomes a mountain... But, I am doing the best that I can. My mom is awesome and helps out around the house A LOT, friends come and hang with the boys, my intern may need to do things I would actually like to do. BUT, it's okay, because I am doing the best that I can. And, that HAS to be enough. I have 4 happy boys and a husband who loves me. Best of all, I have a loving FATHER who loves me and I believe is proud of me. And, that IS more than enough!
It has been a long journey to find more realistic expectations for myself. When Patrick was the only child, and I was working a full time job, I needed to do everything perfect. I needed myself to be everything a mom, wife, and employee SHOULD be. I lost my job while I was pregnant with Tyler, which sent me into a whirlwind of worthlessness. I felt I was no longer contributing to our household, even though I was home with Patrick and was keeping the house running smoothly. It took a lot for me to see my worth not only as a wife and mom, but as a child of God.
I continued to have HIGH expectations of myself, believing I needed to be everything to everyone. There was a constant dialogue in my head saying that I needed to do better. The dishes were dirty, the laundry was piling up, Tyler was more miserable than happy, and Patrick often times was left to entertain himself. BUT, what the dialogue wasn't saying was that the house was relatively straightened up, the boys always had clean clothes to wear, Tyler's miserableness had nothing to do with what I was doing, and that Patrick was happy entertaining himself.
When I was pregnant with Zachary, my expectations were so far from realistic it was ridiculous. I was put on "light duty" towards the end of my pregnancy, and had to allow others to help out with the boys and around the house. I thought I SHOULD be able to do it all, because I was the mommy and the wife. God had other plans. He used this time to show me that accepting help from others did not mean I was failing. It just meant that it was an opportunity to be blessed, and to even bless others. Being blessed I could understand, but it took several months to understand how people helping ME could actually bless them. It turns out we are all wired differently. Some people are wired to serve, and when given the opportunity to serve others, they are actually blessed!
It has taken over 3 years to be able to say, "My good enough IS enough." A husband, a house, a full time job, 4 beautiful boys, 2 very different special needs issues, and dreams/hopes for myself have left me accepting that my good enough NEEDS to be enough. I forget things (more often than I would like to admit), our house often times looks like the toybox threw up all over it, dishes pile up, laundry becomes a mountain... But, I am doing the best that I can. My mom is awesome and helps out around the house A LOT, friends come and hang with the boys, my intern may need to do things I would actually like to do. BUT, it's okay, because I am doing the best that I can. And, that HAS to be enough. I have 4 happy boys and a husband who loves me. Best of all, I have a loving FATHER who loves me and I believe is proud of me. And, that IS more than enough!
Monday, January 16, 2012
The 1st Born
I have shared a bit about each of our boys, except for Patrick, our oldest... SO, I thought it was time that I share about my experiences with Patrick and the beginning of this parenting adventure.
My husband and I were married for about 4 months when we thought we'd like to start working on a family of our own. We had been told by many people that it takes a while to get pregnant after being on birth control. So, we went off birth control and had anticipated that it would take a few months, if not longer, to get pregnant. We weren't necessarily trying, rather, we were just opening up the opportunity to get pregnant. Well, what we had been told was NOT true for us. We got pregnant with Patrick David the next month. (Had we known what we know now about birth control and it's ineffectiveness on me, we probably would have waited a bit longer to go off it!)
Moments during my pregnancy were tough, as I learned I had epilepsy and had also gained a few too many pounds. BUT, overall, it was a good pregnancy. From start to finish of the labor and deliver process, it was only 6 1/2 hours. The moment I held him for the 1st time was amazing! I had fallen in love with him that first instant! He was so beautiful! He looked exactly like his Daddy, with gorgeous blue eyes. From day one, we knew he was going to be an amazing little boy!
As a baby and toddler, Patrick was calm and laid back. He didn't learn to crawl until after his 1st birthday, not because he couldn't but because he was content right where we put him. Baby proofing was done, even though there was no need at all. His one uncle used to say that if he could be promised a baby like Patrick that he would be willing to have another child.
Patrick is 5 1/2 now and yes, I still think he is amazing! He is in kindergarten and in his words is a "genius." (He is a smart little cookie, but we're still not sure where he got the word "genius" from!) There are moments when I watch him and can't believe that God has entrusted us with him. He is a great big brother to the other 3 boys, whether it's by putting toothpaste on Zach's toothbrush or helping Ben with some therapy needs. He is always so loving and gentle, with family and with friends. He is learning to be more independent and often times is excited to help out around the house. I see a lot of his Daddy him, but not in the physical sense. His sensitivity and the way he cares for and serves others are qualities that made me fall in love with his Daddy.
It is such a blessing to be a part of Patrick's life. God has plans for him, and I am so grateful to be a part of those plans. As we enter a new stage of life with him, I am excited to see how God will use him.
My husband and I were married for about 4 months when we thought we'd like to start working on a family of our own. We had been told by many people that it takes a while to get pregnant after being on birth control. So, we went off birth control and had anticipated that it would take a few months, if not longer, to get pregnant. We weren't necessarily trying, rather, we were just opening up the opportunity to get pregnant. Well, what we had been told was NOT true for us. We got pregnant with Patrick David the next month. (Had we known what we know now about birth control and it's ineffectiveness on me, we probably would have waited a bit longer to go off it!)
Moments during my pregnancy were tough, as I learned I had epilepsy and had also gained a few too many pounds. BUT, overall, it was a good pregnancy. From start to finish of the labor and deliver process, it was only 6 1/2 hours. The moment I held him for the 1st time was amazing! I had fallen in love with him that first instant! He was so beautiful! He looked exactly like his Daddy, with gorgeous blue eyes. From day one, we knew he was going to be an amazing little boy!
As a baby and toddler, Patrick was calm and laid back. He didn't learn to crawl until after his 1st birthday, not because he couldn't but because he was content right where we put him. Baby proofing was done, even though there was no need at all. His one uncle used to say that if he could be promised a baby like Patrick that he would be willing to have another child.
Patrick is 5 1/2 now and yes, I still think he is amazing! He is in kindergarten and in his words is a "genius." (He is a smart little cookie, but we're still not sure where he got the word "genius" from!) There are moments when I watch him and can't believe that God has entrusted us with him. He is a great big brother to the other 3 boys, whether it's by putting toothpaste on Zach's toothbrush or helping Ben with some therapy needs. He is always so loving and gentle, with family and with friends. He is learning to be more independent and often times is excited to help out around the house. I see a lot of his Daddy him, but not in the physical sense. His sensitivity and the way he cares for and serves others are qualities that made me fall in love with his Daddy.
It is such a blessing to be a part of Patrick's life. God has plans for him, and I am so grateful to be a part of those plans. As we enter a new stage of life with him, I am excited to see how God will use him.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
An Honest Moment
I have promised to keep an honest blog, and honest I will be...
Parenting for me is like a roller coaster ride. There are definitely ups and downs. The ups are thrilling and fulfilling. They are those moments when our 2 year old sings his ABC's backwards, or our 5 year old receives an award at school for being an Outstanding Citizen. When the boys show love to each other or to their peers, it's an almost euphoric moment. My heart soars when the boys hug me and tell me they love me. The highs are amazing!
But, as with roller coasters, there are the lows. These are the moments that make me feel defeated or heartbroken. These are moments when Patrick is sad because someone at school made fun of him or when I lose my temper over something small. The lowest low for me is where I am at now... I feel utterly defeated as a mom because I do not know how to comfort Ben.
This feeling is familiar to me, as I found myself feeling this way when Tyler was the same age. Ben doesn't communicate in the way a typical 1 1/2 year old communicates. He doesn't point to the snack he wants or gestures to the toy he wants. He doesn't say, "juice" or "cookie". Instead, he cries. More like screams. He follows me around screaming until I figure out what he needs. I have a mental list of things he likes and could possibly want, and I try it all. Cups get pitched at me, tempers flare, and a little monkey remains very miserable. There are times, like yesterday, where he just cries and cries, and there is absolutely nothing I can do for him. There's no cuddling, as he is NOT a fan of cuddling. When I try to hold him, he pushes me away, and yet you can tell he wants to be comforted.
As a mom, I should be able to comfort each of my children. I have long given up on being a perfect mommy, but there are things that I feel I should be able to do. Meeting my children's basic needs is one of them. And, when I can't do it, I feel quite defeated. I know that it's not me... It's not that I am doing anything wrong. It's the nature of Ben's sensory issues, as it was with Tyler. But, it doesn't change the fact that my son is upset and I can't help him.
Therapy will help us with this. We will not only be able to figure out what his needs are, but also how to meet them. Until then, I struggle to remind myself that I am doing all I can do. That although there is no instant comfort for Benjamin, we are doing everything we can to find the comfort he needs.
Parenting for me is like a roller coaster ride. There are definitely ups and downs. The ups are thrilling and fulfilling. They are those moments when our 2 year old sings his ABC's backwards, or our 5 year old receives an award at school for being an Outstanding Citizen. When the boys show love to each other or to their peers, it's an almost euphoric moment. My heart soars when the boys hug me and tell me they love me. The highs are amazing!
But, as with roller coasters, there are the lows. These are the moments that make me feel defeated or heartbroken. These are moments when Patrick is sad because someone at school made fun of him or when I lose my temper over something small. The lowest low for me is where I am at now... I feel utterly defeated as a mom because I do not know how to comfort Ben.
This feeling is familiar to me, as I found myself feeling this way when Tyler was the same age. Ben doesn't communicate in the way a typical 1 1/2 year old communicates. He doesn't point to the snack he wants or gestures to the toy he wants. He doesn't say, "juice" or "cookie". Instead, he cries. More like screams. He follows me around screaming until I figure out what he needs. I have a mental list of things he likes and could possibly want, and I try it all. Cups get pitched at me, tempers flare, and a little monkey remains very miserable. There are times, like yesterday, where he just cries and cries, and there is absolutely nothing I can do for him. There's no cuddling, as he is NOT a fan of cuddling. When I try to hold him, he pushes me away, and yet you can tell he wants to be comforted.
As a mom, I should be able to comfort each of my children. I have long given up on being a perfect mommy, but there are things that I feel I should be able to do. Meeting my children's basic needs is one of them. And, when I can't do it, I feel quite defeated. I know that it's not me... It's not that I am doing anything wrong. It's the nature of Ben's sensory issues, as it was with Tyler. But, it doesn't change the fact that my son is upset and I can't help him.
Therapy will help us with this. We will not only be able to figure out what his needs are, but also how to meet them. Until then, I struggle to remind myself that I am doing all I can do. That although there is no instant comfort for Benjamin, we are doing everything we can to find the comfort he needs.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Some Lessons Learned
If we had the ability to see into the future, life would definitely be much easier. If we could see what we are supposed to do, what decisions to make, and even what God is trying to teach us, we all would probably feel less like fish floundering around on the beach and more like graceful swimmers fish are meant to be. Unfortunately, life is NOT like that. Each day, we have to make decisions based on what we know from our past and goals we have for the future. God is there giving us guidance, but never clear cut "do this" directions. He certainly doesn't sit down next to us and say, "this is what I want you to learn today. This event you need to learn this, and tomorrow, when faced with a certain decision, choose this option." How awesome would that be if that was how things worked?!
But the reality is that the lessons we learn, the decisions we make, are all based on past experiences and the gentle nudging of God's promises. It is fascinating to see how God uses your past experiences and lessons you have already learned to build upon new experiences. Benjamin and our journey with him has been an experience built on some lessons learned and definitely new lessons to be learned.
Benjamin (or "naughty monkey" as we so lovingly call him) came as a bit of a surprise for us! After the surprise of our 3rd son, we had decided 3 children in 3 years was plenty. My husband arranged for a vasectomy and went in for his consultation when Zachary was 5 months old. A week later, we found out we were expecting baby number 4. Yes, another baby conceived on birth control. (If you are keeping track, Ben was baby number 3 to be conceived while on birth control.) Since I had finally learned that God's timing is way better than my own, the panic and fear was not so deep. Rather, we embraced the new adventure set before us. (We also went ahead with the vasectomy that was scheduled!)
Although I was not thrilled to be pregnant again and the idea of gaining baby weight AGAIN did not make me happy, it was a pretty decent pregnancy. Chasing 3 other boys made things challenging, but we made it work. When Ben was born, he was a handsome little boy. He was very different than his brothers in personality. He was a "high maintenance" baby, something we were not used to. To this day, Benjamin still does not sleep through the night consistently.
As Ben got older, we started to realize his miserableness might not just be from his personality, but from something deeper. He doesn't talk much, and the words he can say he repeats over and over and OVER. Having been through delays and quirky behavior once before, we knew what needed to be done. Early Intervention was called in, and we are facing weekly therapy sessions yet again. For us, it's just a way to help Benjamin grow and meet the potential God has for him. The lesson learned from our experiences with Tyler has made this journey with Ben slightly easier. I know that God made no mistakes when creating Benjamin.
But here's where that clear cut conversation with God about what decisions to make and what lessons need to be learned would be spectacular... Benjamin is still a "high maintenance" baby. Benjamin still does not sleep through the night. As he did this morning, he wakes up way too early (like 5AM too early!) As a very tired mom of 4, I find myself struggling to be the happy and loving mom Ben deserves. I struggle to give him the smiling face that the other 3 boys have had when I would get them in the mornings. Ben's and my relationship feels strained, which is a feeling I have not had with my other boys.
Don't get me wrong, Benjamin is a wonderful little boy! He is curious and inquisitive. He is loving in his own way and has a very humorous personality. What I struggle with is how much energy he requires and how little sleep he allows me to have. I often find myself saying "if you would let me get sleep, I would be a much better mommy."
I don't know what God is trying to teach me, if He's even trying to teach me anything... What I do know is that God has blessed me with Benjamin and that I need to hourly remind myself of the BLESSING, rather than the lack of sleep and the struggles. And, although it seems like I am floundering around like a fish out of water, with God's promises and gentle nudging, I can be a graceful swimming fish.
But the reality is that the lessons we learn, the decisions we make, are all based on past experiences and the gentle nudging of God's promises. It is fascinating to see how God uses your past experiences and lessons you have already learned to build upon new experiences. Benjamin and our journey with him has been an experience built on some lessons learned and definitely new lessons to be learned.
Benjamin (or "naughty monkey" as we so lovingly call him) came as a bit of a surprise for us! After the surprise of our 3rd son, we had decided 3 children in 3 years was plenty. My husband arranged for a vasectomy and went in for his consultation when Zachary was 5 months old. A week later, we found out we were expecting baby number 4. Yes, another baby conceived on birth control. (If you are keeping track, Ben was baby number 3 to be conceived while on birth control.) Since I had finally learned that God's timing is way better than my own, the panic and fear was not so deep. Rather, we embraced the new adventure set before us. (We also went ahead with the vasectomy that was scheduled!)
Although I was not thrilled to be pregnant again and the idea of gaining baby weight AGAIN did not make me happy, it was a pretty decent pregnancy. Chasing 3 other boys made things challenging, but we made it work. When Ben was born, he was a handsome little boy. He was very different than his brothers in personality. He was a "high maintenance" baby, something we were not used to. To this day, Benjamin still does not sleep through the night consistently.
As Ben got older, we started to realize his miserableness might not just be from his personality, but from something deeper. He doesn't talk much, and the words he can say he repeats over and over and OVER. Having been through delays and quirky behavior once before, we knew what needed to be done. Early Intervention was called in, and we are facing weekly therapy sessions yet again. For us, it's just a way to help Benjamin grow and meet the potential God has for him. The lesson learned from our experiences with Tyler has made this journey with Ben slightly easier. I know that God made no mistakes when creating Benjamin.
But here's where that clear cut conversation with God about what decisions to make and what lessons need to be learned would be spectacular... Benjamin is still a "high maintenance" baby. Benjamin still does not sleep through the night. As he did this morning, he wakes up way too early (like 5AM too early!) As a very tired mom of 4, I find myself struggling to be the happy and loving mom Ben deserves. I struggle to give him the smiling face that the other 3 boys have had when I would get them in the mornings. Ben's and my relationship feels strained, which is a feeling I have not had with my other boys.
Don't get me wrong, Benjamin is a wonderful little boy! He is curious and inquisitive. He is loving in his own way and has a very humorous personality. What I struggle with is how much energy he requires and how little sleep he allows me to have. I often find myself saying "if you would let me get sleep, I would be a much better mommy."
I don't know what God is trying to teach me, if He's even trying to teach me anything... What I do know is that God has blessed me with Benjamin and that I need to hourly remind myself of the BLESSING, rather than the lack of sleep and the struggles. And, although it seems like I am floundering around like a fish out of water, with God's promises and gentle nudging, I can be a graceful swimming fish.
Saturday, January 7, 2012
God's Timing is WAY Better than Mine!
As most people know, I have 4 beautiful boys, with the oldest being 5 and the youngest being 1, with no sets of twins. When doing the math, that's 4 children in 4 years, with actually 5 pregnancies during those 4 years. Some people may say we were crazy to have 4 in 4 years. Many people would ask us, "You do know what causes this, right?!" Yes, we knew. What we didn't know is that God had a plan for us, and it did NOT involve anything we had planned.
When I became pregnant with our 3rd son, Zachary, we were NOT ready for another child. Tyler had just been born 5 months earlier. We had been on birth control, and were very confident that THIS time, we would not get pregnant. (Yes, I said "this time", as we had gotten pregnant once before on birth control.) But, as always, God's plans trump our own. I got pregnant and was devasted. I remember sobbing so hard that I couldn't breathe. We were just starting to get into a routine with having a toddler and a newborn. Tyler was just starting to sleep better at night. I was just starting to see a small glimmer of my body returning to normal. But, there I sat, with the pregnancy test in hand, knowing my life would never be the same.
I cannot remember my husband's reaction to the news, other than shock. Shock actually seemed to be the general feeling for everyone. I spent my days praying that God would do something to help us. And that help wasn't necessarily more money or an extra pair of hands. Rather, there were days when I prayed that God would take away the pregnancy. The baby was better off with HIM, rather than with me.
For over 7 months, I spent my days dreading the inevitable. There was no joy, no excitement. I was consumed with fear and anger and exhaustion. Towards the very end of the pregnancy, I realized I had to accept what was going to happen. I had to accept that just because it wasn't MY timing, that it could still work out. So, with all the might I could muster, I chose to embrace what God had planned. I spent the last couple weeks of my pregnancy preparing for our 3rd little monkey. There was still fear, much of which was "would I love Zachary as much as the other 2 boys since I spent so long disliking the idea of having him". But, I allowed the excitement and joy to bubble over.
In the end of June that year, a BEAUTIFUL little boy was born, with gorgeous blue eyes, and a face you couldn't resist kissing. Zachary was, and still is, a loving, mischievious little boy, who melts the heart of anyone near him. God blessed us with such an amazing little boy, who only added joy to our family. Looking back now, I cannot imagine our family without him. At the time, I honestly felt that God's timing was wrong, and that God had no idea what He was doing. BUT, God's timing is WAY better than mine! He knew just what He was doing, and I cannot believe I ever doubted Him. Everytime I run into something that seems to go against MY plans and MY timing, I look at Zachary. He is my daily reminder that God's timing has always been, and always will be, PERFECT.
When I became pregnant with our 3rd son, Zachary, we were NOT ready for another child. Tyler had just been born 5 months earlier. We had been on birth control, and were very confident that THIS time, we would not get pregnant. (Yes, I said "this time", as we had gotten pregnant once before on birth control.) But, as always, God's plans trump our own. I got pregnant and was devasted. I remember sobbing so hard that I couldn't breathe. We were just starting to get into a routine with having a toddler and a newborn. Tyler was just starting to sleep better at night. I was just starting to see a small glimmer of my body returning to normal. But, there I sat, with the pregnancy test in hand, knowing my life would never be the same.
I cannot remember my husband's reaction to the news, other than shock. Shock actually seemed to be the general feeling for everyone. I spent my days praying that God would do something to help us. And that help wasn't necessarily more money or an extra pair of hands. Rather, there were days when I prayed that God would take away the pregnancy. The baby was better off with HIM, rather than with me.
For over 7 months, I spent my days dreading the inevitable. There was no joy, no excitement. I was consumed with fear and anger and exhaustion. Towards the very end of the pregnancy, I realized I had to accept what was going to happen. I had to accept that just because it wasn't MY timing, that it could still work out. So, with all the might I could muster, I chose to embrace what God had planned. I spent the last couple weeks of my pregnancy preparing for our 3rd little monkey. There was still fear, much of which was "would I love Zachary as much as the other 2 boys since I spent so long disliking the idea of having him". But, I allowed the excitement and joy to bubble over.
In the end of June that year, a BEAUTIFUL little boy was born, with gorgeous blue eyes, and a face you couldn't resist kissing. Zachary was, and still is, a loving, mischievious little boy, who melts the heart of anyone near him. God blessed us with such an amazing little boy, who only added joy to our family. Looking back now, I cannot imagine our family without him. At the time, I honestly felt that God's timing was wrong, and that God had no idea what He was doing. BUT, God's timing is WAY better than mine! He knew just what He was doing, and I cannot believe I ever doubted Him. Everytime I run into something that seems to go against MY plans and MY timing, I look at Zachary. He is my daily reminder that God's timing has always been, and always will be, PERFECT.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
God Doesn't Make Mistakes
I have learned a lot of things since becoming a mom. I have learned how to make quick meals, how to change diapers while the child is standing, and even how to survive on only 4-5 hours a night for over 5 years. One of the most important things I have learned I actually learned from Tyler, our 2nd oldest son. I learned that God doesn't make mistakes. Yes, the whole being "perfect" thing kind of makes that an obvious statement. BUT, really, how many of us actually understand the depth of that?
Just over 2 1/2 years ago, Tyler had just turned one and wasn't even babbling. He spent much of his time sitting in the middle of our living room crying. There was no attempt at communicating to me what he actually wanted. Many hours a day were spent watching "Veggie Tales" videos, as it was the only thing that could calm Tyler down. We even carried a DVD with us everywhere we went. Tyler didn't want to be hugged or cuddled. No back rubs and even tickles were just tolerated. Our lives revolved around just keeping the peace.
Knowing that his behaviors were not normal and that he was behind develpmentally, we sought help from Early Intervention (EI). We learned that Tyler was functioning as a 6-8month old, depending on the different developmental areas. He was functioning at a 1 month old level when it came to what he understood receptively (the information that goes IN). We knew even before EI came out that he was probably on the Spectrum. What we were facing was no different than what many other families have to face.
Here's where the learning began for me. We had a lot of decisions and choices to make. What therapies were best, how to create the best home environment, how much stimming do we allow, etc. One decision that no therapist or doctor ever touched on was how I was going to accept this little boy and who he was. For me, there was no question... Tyler was created by God. And, God doesn't make mistakes. Tyler's delays and quirks were not a defect that God somehow missed. Rather, they were intricately planned for Tyler. EVERY aspect of Tyler was knitted perfectly by God.
Accepting this led me to realize something I had been missing all of my life... That I was knitted perfectly together as well. No, I am not perfect. Human nature keeps me from ever even coming close to perfect. But, the person God created, is not a mistake. The strengths, the weaknesses, the physical imperfections, were created by God specifically for me. Same goes for you... At no point does God make a mistake, which means each of us were created perfectly in HIS eyes.
Just over 2 1/2 years ago, Tyler had just turned one and wasn't even babbling. He spent much of his time sitting in the middle of our living room crying. There was no attempt at communicating to me what he actually wanted. Many hours a day were spent watching "Veggie Tales" videos, as it was the only thing that could calm Tyler down. We even carried a DVD with us everywhere we went. Tyler didn't want to be hugged or cuddled. No back rubs and even tickles were just tolerated. Our lives revolved around just keeping the peace.
Knowing that his behaviors were not normal and that he was behind develpmentally, we sought help from Early Intervention (EI). We learned that Tyler was functioning as a 6-8month old, depending on the different developmental areas. He was functioning at a 1 month old level when it came to what he understood receptively (the information that goes IN). We knew even before EI came out that he was probably on the Spectrum. What we were facing was no different than what many other families have to face.
Here's where the learning began for me. We had a lot of decisions and choices to make. What therapies were best, how to create the best home environment, how much stimming do we allow, etc. One decision that no therapist or doctor ever touched on was how I was going to accept this little boy and who he was. For me, there was no question... Tyler was created by God. And, God doesn't make mistakes. Tyler's delays and quirks were not a defect that God somehow missed. Rather, they were intricately planned for Tyler. EVERY aspect of Tyler was knitted perfectly by God.
Accepting this led me to realize something I had been missing all of my life... That I was knitted perfectly together as well. No, I am not perfect. Human nature keeps me from ever even coming close to perfect. But, the person God created, is not a mistake. The strengths, the weaknesses, the physical imperfections, were created by God specifically for me. Same goes for you... At no point does God make a mistake, which means each of us were created perfectly in HIS eyes.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
An Introduction to My Life
My hope for this blog is to give you a glimpse into the life that God has so lovingly blessed me with. There are no eloquent words planned, no beautifully written excerpts to be expected. All I can give you are open, honest words about my journey in this life. I make no promises to write on a regular basis, as life can seem to run away from me sometimes. But, when I have those "sweet moments of peace" where I can write, I certainly will take the time to share.
God has been amazing to me and to my family. There are so many things I want to share with you, from the joys (and struggles) of raising 4 young boys, to the personal journey of learning who I am outside of motherhood. My hope is that through whatever ramblings I may post, it will spark something inside of others.
As this blogging journey begins, I would love to hear from you, as well. What do you want to hear about? Is there something you always wanted to know about me?
God has been amazing to me and to my family. There are so many things I want to share with you, from the joys (and struggles) of raising 4 young boys, to the personal journey of learning who I am outside of motherhood. My hope is that through whatever ramblings I may post, it will spark something inside of others.
As this blogging journey begins, I would love to hear from you, as well. What do you want to hear about? Is there something you always wanted to know about me?
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