I spent the past couple months in preparation for the "big event", which was this past Friday and Saturday. Lots of prayer and planning went into my presentation on Joy in Jesus. LOTS of deleting and second guessing the material. LOTS of moments where I wanted to back out... Not because I was afraid of public speaking, but because I was afraid they chose the wrong person. I was afraid that I had nothing to offer the 70 some women and young ladies that were planning on attending. Whenever I started feeling that slight sense of fear, I'd remember that God can use anything to reach His children. I kept going back to Him in prayer, saying, "I don't know what you have planned. I don't know what you're doing. But, use me in whatever way you see fit."
As the final week of preparation arrived, excitement and nerves came in waves. My slides were ready. My heart was ready. My head, not so much! The lies Satan told me during the days leading up to the event were strong. I held to the truths I know from God, but man did I question what I was thinking when I said yes.
Friday night came, and the first speaker took the stage. She's a wonderful lady who has spent decades as a missionary in Latin America. She spoke so eloquently from the Bible. She knew the Bible inside and out. And as I watched and listened, I began to hear Satan tell me ALL the ways I wasn't like her. How I would never know the Bible like her. How I could never be as poised as she was. I went to bed that night terrified that I was the wrong person to be speaking...
The second speaker spoke Saturday morning, and I found myself freaking out even more. She, too, knew the Bible so well. Her method of teaching was much more put together and prepared than mine. My rough outline and slides approach certainly was NOT the same as either woman who had already presented. The panic rose inside me. Was my way going to scare people away? Would I sound less biblical? Would people realize how much I don't know? Will I make people seasick from my pacing on stage? Could God really use me to reach them? Would my presentation get me kicked out of the church? (Yes, that's a highly irrational thought and NO, on any other day I would not think that. BUT, Satan had really been trying to ensure that God did NOT shine through me that day.)
And as I sat there freaking out, a close friend reminded me of all the ways God makes us different. And how there are different ways to present because there are different types of people, all of whom learn and hear things differently. The table of women I sat with encouraged me to remember that God can use me no matter what. I pulled myself together. I pulled my thoughts back to God and told Satan to buzz off.
When it came time for me to present, I left God in charge. I followed my slides (and my very rough outline) and let God do the rest. Much of the 2 hours is a blur to me... I'm not 100% sure of what I said, but I know people laughed and cried. I know during the two music videos I showed, the room filled with not only the voices on the videos, but the beautiful voices of the women sitting at the tables. I know God did His thing. And, even if NO other person was touched during that time, I know one person who definitely was... ME. Not by what I said, but how God taught me way more than I could have taught others.
As I have spent time processing that day (and the days leading up to that day), I am surprised at how much God has taught me. I have spent a lot of time thinking about how silly I was for freaking out over being different. He uses ALL of us. He made me the way I am to reach people who might not be reached in other ways. There were so many ways I could see Him in the whole process. And my doubt in His ability to use me has been replaced with utter amazement over how He can use little ol' me to teach ME a lesson or two!
I have thought a lot about flowers... There are a lot of beautiful flowers in this world, and each one is as different as the next one. You have roses in a full array of colors. Irises are so tall and regal, while poppies are bright and fun. My favorite flowers, tulips, are so colorful and light (almost dainty) versus large sunflowers that hover above you. Each flower is pretty. Each flower is appreciated. Some people love roses, others tulips. It doesn't change their beauty just because they're different. Rather, it makes them special... We humans are the same. And I need to remember that often!
For the past several years, I've had this seemingly BIG (and unrealistic) dream to do speaking engagements on the lessons God has taught me and on parenting. If I'm being honest, my ultimate dream is to be the "Dave Ramsey of parenting". (If you don't know who Dave Ramsey, he's the guy who started Financial Peace University.) I never, EVER thought it would ever be more than a dream. I don't know if it will ever come to fruition. But what I do know is that this Saturday proved to me that some of the things holding me back from pursuing that dream shouldn't be holding me back. Those fears of not being someone else will continue to bubble up, but God keeps reminding me how He never wanted me to be like anyone else in the first place. No matter what comes of things, I will work towards embracing me for me and allow God to shine through me in whatever way He deems necessary. I will be a confident tulip, even if I'm in a field of sunflowers!
