As I have always promised, I will be keeping this post very open and very honest. I want those who read my posts to know the joys AND the struggles... Because we ALL have both. Sometimes, the joys outweigh the struggles. Then again, sometimes the struggles surely outweigh the joy. My feeling is that we should share both, as HOPE can be found in both. The struggles are real, and the more we share, the more honest we are about them, the less we feel alone. Because I KNOW that I am not the only person in this entire world who feels the many ways I feel.
This morning I was sitting in our church service with a somewhat stinky attitude... I'm not really sure where the stinky attitude came from, but it was definitely there. I was on edge, unhappy, and definitely not in the mood to celebrate. (Today was the celebration of our founding pastor's legacy, who has been our pastor for 39 years.) I just wanted to be home, in my bed, drifting in and out of sleep while watching Criminal Minds.
But, I was at church. We had done our weekly trip to the coffee bar to get the boys donuts. We had said hello to practically half the church. We had cordially said "Good Morning" to those sitting around us. And the music started. It used to be that the music would almost instantly fix my mood. Who can resist lively worship music lead by an amazing worship team, right? But even by the second song, my spirits had not lifted.
Sure, my foot was tapping to the beat, and I was singing along, but there was nothing behind it. And since I'm being honest here, there hasn't been much behind it for weeks. Something has felt lost or disconnected... I have felt like a loose power cord that if you wiggle it just right you get power, but the second the cord gets jarred a little, the power flickers.
By the third song, I had figured that my stinky attitude was not going to change. But something happened when the fourth song began. The lyrics began with:
"I've heard a thousand stories of what they think you're like.
But I've heard the tender whispers of love in the dead of night.
And you tell me that you're pleased
And that I'm never alone."
Chris Tomlin's "Good Good Father" has been played many times in our church, many more times on the radio. But today, tears began to stream down my face with the second line. My heart hurt. It felt empty. When was the last time I heard his whispers of love? When did I last feel His all consuming love? And when did I last feel that He was truly pleased with me?
Tears continued to pour as we moved onto another song about God's love for us. "Oh, how He loves us" was sung over and over and my heart began to feel something it hadn't felt in a while. It felt loved. It felt connected. It felt almost full.
For the first time in a while, I felt connected to a part of God that I apparently had been missing. I have been so focused on so many other things that I lost sight of something so vital to God... His love. I focused on serving and loving others, the "right" way to manage our finances, the best way of parenting our boys. And, in the busyness and hurriedness of my life, I lost my connection to the most life sustaining piece of God.
It wasn't His fault. He never left. He certainly didn't love me any less during my busyness. I didn't make time and space for me to connect with Him that way. I prayed often, whether it be for people, for myself, and for events happening around us. But there was very little time spent just soaking in His love. As the music played today, I was reminded of what I have been missing. And it was no one's fault but my own.
Have I known He loves me all this time? Absolutely! I don't believe there was a point where I doubted His love... I just wasn't taking the time to sit in it. To FEEL it. To be comforted and soothed by it. When I feel His love, it feels similar to when I was little and my dad would wrap me in his arms and hug me. It always felt so safe in his arms, like nothing could hurt me and that no matter what I did he would still love me. When I am quiet and connected to God, I can feel His arms wrap around me, providing the same safe feeling.
I am so grateful for a God who always loves me, even when I don't make the time to feel it. I am grateful that He was waiting for me, and took lyrics of a song this morning to remind me how much He loves me. He is a "good good Father. It's who He is. And we are loved by Him. It's who we are."
Somehow, I need to re-prioritize my life, and make time to feel His love. I don't currently know what that will look like, but it's going to happen. It has to happen. Because the emptiness I have been feeling can only be filled one way. No more excuses... No more "I'm too busy" or "life is crazy"... His love (and feeling His love) are far more important. I hope and pray that I can truly make a sustaining change, because man have I missed feeling loved by Him!
Sunday, January 22, 2017
Friday, January 13, 2017
A New Season
I knew this day was coming... I had seen many little indicators that things were going to change. Each week, another sign would pop up, reminding me that my baby isn't a baby anymore. But, this evening, as I dropped my firstborn off at his first weekend retreat, it seemed to hit me like a ton of bricks. My ten year old, and in turn our family, has entered a new season... A season that will be filled with independence and discovery, trials and successes. And, with this new season, I find myself feeling slightly sad, but also filled with joy and excitement.
Patrick and I had a date before heading to the church for the retreat. We went to Panera's for the first time together, and Patrick was almost giddy over the idea of going somewhere more grown up (we typically have gone to Friendly's or McDonald's, so this was DEFINITELY more grown up)! As we we went to find a booth, he told me how much he loves going on dates with me. I teasingly said something like, "of course you do, it's free food!" He looked at me slightly shocked, and told me that it had nothing to do with the free food and everything to do with getting time with just me. He told me he loves to talk to me and to be silly with me. He gave me a huge grin and said, "You are the best mama I could have. I love going on dates with just you."
Now, I am not the most sappy or sentimental person, but the tears were starting to fill my eyes and my heart was about to burst. But, before I could say or do anything, Patrick made a farting noise with his mouth and broke out into the giggles. And just like that, I was reminded of my life with BOYS!!!
As we were driving to the church, I asked Patrick if I was allowed to hug him goodbye in the church. He had said sure! Hugs don't embarrass him... YET! We got to the church and went to check him in. He was so excited to be there that he almost passed the check in table. They checked his name off and before I even had a chance to blink, he was off running. With a huge smile on his face, he had found his friends playing a game, and that was that.
No goodbye, no hug, no nothing. And for a very brief moment, I was sad, maybe even a tad-bit hurt. But as I watched my ten year old son interact with his friends, joy crept in and took over any sadness I might have felt. There was my Patrick, confident in himself, independent... He didn't NOT say goodbye because he was ignoring me. It was because he was in his element and felt comfortable enough to leave me. Isn't that what we strive for as parents? For our children to be confident and independent?
I left the church feeling a surge of joy and excitement for this new season we have entered. It's a season that will certainly be challenging, but also rewarding. This is a time we get to watch our baby take flight and soar. The intense training that came during his younger years is shifting into a time of shaping, guiding, and reminding. He gets to explore his world with confidence, with the comfort of knowing we are his safety net should he fall along the way. He knows and loves God, and he loves the person he is becoming. And, although some of his exploration will end in tears and frustration, I am confident that Patrick will learn from them and keep moving forward.
When I first held Patrick in my arms, I had no idea what kind of person he would become. I had hopes of someone who was loving and kind and sweet natured. I prayed for someone who would have an impact on the world around him. I pictured my beautiful blonde haired, blue eyed baby growing into a mature young man who loved his family and God. And tonight, I saw just that... a maturing soon to be young man who is more loving and caring than I could have ever imagined. And watching the way his friends lit up when they saw Patrick assured me that he has definitely been a positive impact on those around him.
I cannot truly express how proud I am of Patrick and how thankful I am to God for choosing me to be his mama. I am so unbelievably blessed to be a part of Patrick's life and to have a front row seat to the things God has in store for him. I am buckled up and ready for this new season and for the wild ride it will be!!
Patrick and I had a date before heading to the church for the retreat. We went to Panera's for the first time together, and Patrick was almost giddy over the idea of going somewhere more grown up (we typically have gone to Friendly's or McDonald's, so this was DEFINITELY more grown up)! As we we went to find a booth, he told me how much he loves going on dates with me. I teasingly said something like, "of course you do, it's free food!" He looked at me slightly shocked, and told me that it had nothing to do with the free food and everything to do with getting time with just me. He told me he loves to talk to me and to be silly with me. He gave me a huge grin and said, "You are the best mama I could have. I love going on dates with just you."
Now, I am not the most sappy or sentimental person, but the tears were starting to fill my eyes and my heart was about to burst. But, before I could say or do anything, Patrick made a farting noise with his mouth and broke out into the giggles. And just like that, I was reminded of my life with BOYS!!!
As we were driving to the church, I asked Patrick if I was allowed to hug him goodbye in the church. He had said sure! Hugs don't embarrass him... YET! We got to the church and went to check him in. He was so excited to be there that he almost passed the check in table. They checked his name off and before I even had a chance to blink, he was off running. With a huge smile on his face, he had found his friends playing a game, and that was that.
No goodbye, no hug, no nothing. And for a very brief moment, I was sad, maybe even a tad-bit hurt. But as I watched my ten year old son interact with his friends, joy crept in and took over any sadness I might have felt. There was my Patrick, confident in himself, independent... He didn't NOT say goodbye because he was ignoring me. It was because he was in his element and felt comfortable enough to leave me. Isn't that what we strive for as parents? For our children to be confident and independent?
I left the church feeling a surge of joy and excitement for this new season we have entered. It's a season that will certainly be challenging, but also rewarding. This is a time we get to watch our baby take flight and soar. The intense training that came during his younger years is shifting into a time of shaping, guiding, and reminding. He gets to explore his world with confidence, with the comfort of knowing we are his safety net should he fall along the way. He knows and loves God, and he loves the person he is becoming. And, although some of his exploration will end in tears and frustration, I am confident that Patrick will learn from them and keep moving forward.
When I first held Patrick in my arms, I had no idea what kind of person he would become. I had hopes of someone who was loving and kind and sweet natured. I prayed for someone who would have an impact on the world around him. I pictured my beautiful blonde haired, blue eyed baby growing into a mature young man who loved his family and God. And tonight, I saw just that... a maturing soon to be young man who is more loving and caring than I could have ever imagined. And watching the way his friends lit up when they saw Patrick assured me that he has definitely been a positive impact on those around him.
I cannot truly express how proud I am of Patrick and how thankful I am to God for choosing me to be his mama. I am so unbelievably blessed to be a part of Patrick's life and to have a front row seat to the things God has in store for him. I am buckled up and ready for this new season and for the wild ride it will be!!
Sunday, January 1, 2017
Reflections and Hope
Well, here we are... 2017! It's hard to believe that we are in a new month, let alone a whole new year. I still feel like it should be October... Certainly NOT January! But, whatever I feel, the reality is that 2016 is over and 2017 here, and there is SO MUCH to be thankful for!!
It's been a good year, overall. Some hard things came our way, and definitely some sad times came. Change happened (like every year). Relationships started, some went their separate ways. We started our own business (today is our one year anniversary of The Things We Make)! The boys finished one grade and started another. Ben started his first year of school. We've been on adventures and tried new things. It truly was a good year.
Actually, no, it wasn't just a "good" year... It was an amazing year! But not for the reasons I listed above. It's because of SO MUCH MORE.
This year, my husband and I trusted God and took a very big leap of faith and made some significant choices that impacted our family greatly. We didn't just start our own business, although that is a pretty cool thing for us. We decided to work as a team to make changes in our financial life. We chose to push out what society has taught us about money, stuff, and "keeping up with the Jones's". We chose to be serious about the goals we have in place for our family, with the number one goal being to teach our boys how to be true stewards of what God has given them. We worked through the horrible awkwardness of talking about money with each other and learned to set goals AS A TEAM that we could accomplish together. This year we have seen the product of our efforts, and we are so thankful for God's blessings and guidance through it all.
This year, I grew as a mom, as a wife, and most importantly as a woman. I learned more about myself and how to express what I need to those around me. I have learned that I am stronger, wiser and more capable than I give myself credit for. Even through doubts and struggles, I held tightly on to the truths I know, and that is a HUGE improvement from years past. I have found ways to find my quiet time, even amongst the craziness. I can say with great certainty that this has been a big year of growth for me.
But I think the most amazing part of this entire year is how the boys have grown and matured. We have watched each one of them find confidence in who they are, show love for others, and serve those around them. We watched Benjamin (or "Floppy" as he currently likes to be called) start Kindergarten with a confidence and gusto I did not expect. He is working so hard to overcome his sensory issues in class and has learned so much about self-control. The joy he exudes in everything he does is contagious, and I love to watch as his giggles spread like wildfire to others around him.
Our Zachary, with his super intelligence, has struggled to get a hold of his emotions throughout the years... He has struggled to express himself, especially when he is upset. But this year, I have seen him work extra hard to tame his soaring emotions. We have seen so much maturing in Zach this year, and I can only attribute his maturity to all the hard work he has put in. It makes this Mama's heart proud to see him not only work hard on the things he loves but also on the things he doesn't.
Moving on to Tyler, there are no words to describe where this boy is and where he has come from. I watch him everyday tackle things that I never thought were even possible. What makes THIS year so great is that he really buckled down and put all of his focus into school. He's rocking his classes, doing well grade wise, and has even made it into our school's gifted program. All of those things are things that are hard for him, because he has to stay focused for long periods of time. But, he does it every single day. And most importantly, he has cared for his friends and has brightened everyone's day with his ever positive attitude.
And then there's Patrick... Out of the four boys, this year has been the most eventful, growth-filled year for him. From being in the Academic Bowl at the beginning of the year, to being on the tech team at church, to serving as a leader in our Children's Ministry and being in the Chorus at school, he has definitely been busy! I have watched a very shy little boy develop into a confident young man this year. I sat watching him perform in his Chorus concert, and couldn't help but tear up as he sang from his heart. He was animated and confident, joy-filled and happy. He's had his downs this year, too. He didn't make a few things he tried out for, BUT with his loving spirit came home excited for his friends who did make it. He handled several moments of disappointment with grace and maturity, making me wish I was more like him. He loves God with everything in him, and is learning more ways to serve and share that love with others. He has definitely moved on from our little boy to a young man (in training)!
2016 has been an amazing year for our family. God has walked us through hard times, awesome times and everything in between. We have seen Him shine in our boys, and we pray that others have seen Him through us. I am excited to see what God has in store for us in 2017. I know more change is coming, more hard times, more awesome adventures, more love, more growth... But that's life, right?! It's what we do with everything that matters. It's how we embrace the change. How we rely on God's strength during the hard times. How we trust God during the adventures. How we love our family, our friends, strangers. The Schussler family will embrace 2017 with hope, as we know God has His plan for us. And His plan has always been, and will always be better than anything we can even imagine!
Happy New Year to all of you from the crazy Schussler crew!!! May you feel God's presence and peace this year and every year!
It's been a good year, overall. Some hard things came our way, and definitely some sad times came. Change happened (like every year). Relationships started, some went their separate ways. We started our own business (today is our one year anniversary of The Things We Make)! The boys finished one grade and started another. Ben started his first year of school. We've been on adventures and tried new things. It truly was a good year.
Actually, no, it wasn't just a "good" year... It was an amazing year! But not for the reasons I listed above. It's because of SO MUCH MORE.
This year, my husband and I trusted God and took a very big leap of faith and made some significant choices that impacted our family greatly. We didn't just start our own business, although that is a pretty cool thing for us. We decided to work as a team to make changes in our financial life. We chose to push out what society has taught us about money, stuff, and "keeping up with the Jones's". We chose to be serious about the goals we have in place for our family, with the number one goal being to teach our boys how to be true stewards of what God has given them. We worked through the horrible awkwardness of talking about money with each other and learned to set goals AS A TEAM that we could accomplish together. This year we have seen the product of our efforts, and we are so thankful for God's blessings and guidance through it all.
This year, I grew as a mom, as a wife, and most importantly as a woman. I learned more about myself and how to express what I need to those around me. I have learned that I am stronger, wiser and more capable than I give myself credit for. Even through doubts and struggles, I held tightly on to the truths I know, and that is a HUGE improvement from years past. I have found ways to find my quiet time, even amongst the craziness. I can say with great certainty that this has been a big year of growth for me.
But I think the most amazing part of this entire year is how the boys have grown and matured. We have watched each one of them find confidence in who they are, show love for others, and serve those around them. We watched Benjamin (or "Floppy" as he currently likes to be called) start Kindergarten with a confidence and gusto I did not expect. He is working so hard to overcome his sensory issues in class and has learned so much about self-control. The joy he exudes in everything he does is contagious, and I love to watch as his giggles spread like wildfire to others around him.
Our Zachary, with his super intelligence, has struggled to get a hold of his emotions throughout the years... He has struggled to express himself, especially when he is upset. But this year, I have seen him work extra hard to tame his soaring emotions. We have seen so much maturing in Zach this year, and I can only attribute his maturity to all the hard work he has put in. It makes this Mama's heart proud to see him not only work hard on the things he loves but also on the things he doesn't.
Moving on to Tyler, there are no words to describe where this boy is and where he has come from. I watch him everyday tackle things that I never thought were even possible. What makes THIS year so great is that he really buckled down and put all of his focus into school. He's rocking his classes, doing well grade wise, and has even made it into our school's gifted program. All of those things are things that are hard for him, because he has to stay focused for long periods of time. But, he does it every single day. And most importantly, he has cared for his friends and has brightened everyone's day with his ever positive attitude.
And then there's Patrick... Out of the four boys, this year has been the most eventful, growth-filled year for him. From being in the Academic Bowl at the beginning of the year, to being on the tech team at church, to serving as a leader in our Children's Ministry and being in the Chorus at school, he has definitely been busy! I have watched a very shy little boy develop into a confident young man this year. I sat watching him perform in his Chorus concert, and couldn't help but tear up as he sang from his heart. He was animated and confident, joy-filled and happy. He's had his downs this year, too. He didn't make a few things he tried out for, BUT with his loving spirit came home excited for his friends who did make it. He handled several moments of disappointment with grace and maturity, making me wish I was more like him. He loves God with everything in him, and is learning more ways to serve and share that love with others. He has definitely moved on from our little boy to a young man (in training)!
2016 has been an amazing year for our family. God has walked us through hard times, awesome times and everything in between. We have seen Him shine in our boys, and we pray that others have seen Him through us. I am excited to see what God has in store for us in 2017. I know more change is coming, more hard times, more awesome adventures, more love, more growth... But that's life, right?! It's what we do with everything that matters. It's how we embrace the change. How we rely on God's strength during the hard times. How we trust God during the adventures. How we love our family, our friends, strangers. The Schussler family will embrace 2017 with hope, as we know God has His plan for us. And His plan has always been, and will always be better than anything we can even imagine!
Happy New Year to all of you from the crazy Schussler crew!!! May you feel God's presence and peace this year and every year!
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