Monday, June 24, 2013

Irreplaceable

This past week I was away with my family on a wonderful vacation at the Jersey Shore.  We played in the sand, rode rides on the boardwalk, ate more ice cream than we typically eat in 2 months, and had a blast being together without the normal life distractions.  We slept in a cabin (or cabinet as Zachary calls it), ate hot dogs that were cooked over an open fire, and and enjoyed what nature had to offer.  I wish I could say that I was 100% in the moment.  I wish I could say that my head was where it should have been.  But, it wasn't...  While on vacation with my amazing husband and fantastic boys, my head was not always focused on the here and now.  Rather, it drifted off into thoughts of insecurity and fear. 

For the most part I was able to push it aside, but Sunday morning I woke up in a funk.  I woke up feeling like I wasn't needed.  That there wasn't anything I could offer to my family or to my work that someone else couldn't offer as well, if not better than me.  I was faced with knowing that in order to have a Sunday off, that there were 3 very capable, wonderful women doing my job.  And I knew that they were doing it well!  (This is when most people would be thrilled to sleep in and know that fabulous people were in control...)  All of my thoughts lead me to believe that I was replaceable. 

The nagging thoughts from the week hit me full force as I went through my morning. And then the moment came when I heard what I so desperately needed to hear.  I heard the truth. I heard that yes, those 3 amazing women did a fantastic job.  They ministered to families and showed God's love in a way that makes me quite proud.  And, although they were doing a part of my "job", they were in no way replacing me.  Rather, they were growing and maturing along side me.

It is heard every so often in ministry that your goal should be to work yourself out of a job.  How I have taken that for many years is that you should be working on shaping replacements for yourself. But as I was in the gym tonight, it became very clear to me that I was totally wrong.  It's NOT about replacing myself...  It's about building up others to do ministry they have been called to do.  It's about growing and maturing those in ministry so that they can continue building and loving and partnering. And as those people grow and mature, I can continue with ministry the way God calls me to, knowing that what has been built will not only remain, but will grow. It's definitely not about finding replacements.

No one is replaceable.  God has made us irreplaceable.  He has made each of us unique, with a mixture of qualities and personalities that no one else has.  Yes, sometimes, someone can come in and do your job.  Sometimes it might even seem they can do it better.  BUT, that doesn't mean you are replaceable.  No one else on this earth is exactly like you.  There is absolutely no one else who is wired just like me (and I am pretty confident that's a very good thing)! Our roles shift, our jobs change, but at no point can anybody be us. We are irreplaceable. And that's how it should be.

Friday, June 14, 2013

Stop Spinning...

It's been a while since I have last written anything (besides menus and emails!), which isn't very surprising, considering life has been crazy!  But, the craziness of life is not really what kept me from writing...  It was what my boss calls my "lizard brain".  My lizard brain has been working hard these last several months telling me what I have to say isn't anything anyone would want to hear.  I have chosen at this moment to push aside the lizard brain and to share some moments with you.

The past couple months have been a struggle for this mom of 4 boys.  Each boy has had their own specific needs, and some days it's rather difficult to give them each the attention they need.  Patrick apparently had some trouble with a boy in his class.  He didn't tell us until weeks later.  Thankfully he had talked to his teacher about it.

Tyler has been showing new struggles with social tact and using a filter before speaking.  We are desperately trying to teach him when to say his thoughts and when to keep them to himself.  I know this is going to be a lifetime journey with him, as his biggest issue is the social stuff.  Social cues are not something he pays much attention to.

Zachary just keeps surprising us with his wealth of knowledge.  He might only be 3 (soon to be 4), but he talks as if he is much older.  He can tell you all 50 states, can write, can read, and is beginning to do beginner math.  As much as I am excited for how God will use his intelligence, I am fearful of what school will look like for him...  Patrick was hard enough to keep challenged in Kindergarten, but Zach is way beyond where Patrick was.  Not to mention, Zachary does not have Patrick's patience and "want to please" personality.  Rather, Zachary is a mini-me.  And a bored mini-me is NOT going to good for any teacher!

And then there's Ben...  He has these awesome moments where I see so much progress.  He is talking up a storm, playing much more appropriately, and becoming quite a great little monkey! I want to stay focused on the progress.  I want to celebrate the milestones and the amazing things he can do.  But the reality is that we still have a long way to go.

In addition to the boys, I have my husband, who deserves my attention.  What he gets instead is a very tired, frustrated wife.  He tries so hard to be patient with me...  There are days I am not sure how he can even stand to be around me!

There's added life events, full time work, housework, sleep (sort of), and whatever else I might be forgetting.  All of this has added up to one big stress ball.  It had gotten so bad that I was having nightmares about trying to keep all of my plates spinning.  In my dreams, I would rush around, desperately trying to keep these plates spinning, knowing if I let one fall, someone (if not a lot of people) would get hurt.  I would wake up in a panic, soaked in sweat, frantic that I was forgetting something.

What I had to realize, and struggle to remind myself of daily, is that it's not my job to keep all those plates spinning.  My focus should not be on the plates, but on God. My trust shouldn't be in my ability to keep the plates spinning, but in God.  IF I am following what God wants me to be doing, IF I am trusting those placed in my life, and IF I let go of all the non-important stuff, those plates won't crash. AND, if they do for whatever reason fall, I have to know that it is NOT the end of the world. (Not an easy thing for me to accept.)

God wants us to stop frantically spinning our plates.  He wants us to trust Him.  He wants us to rely on those He has placed in our lives to help us. We must prioritize, leaving HIM above all else.  It's not an easy thing, and I am in no way good at this.  But, I am trying.  For the sake of my family and for the sake of my sanity!