Thursday, July 31, 2014

A Tough Thing to Do...


When my husband and I became parents, we had no idea what was in store for us. We had no handbook, no guide for each child. We approached each day with as much knowledge as any other new parent has (which most days felt like not enough). When we started seeing things in Tyler that didn't feel right (and then later in Benjamin), we weren't sure what we were seeing. Again, there was no handbook to say "if your child's behavior or development makes you go hmm..., please see page 99." At first we thought Tyler would catch up, since all the child development books gave windows of development. Surely he would fall within those windows. When he didn't catch up on the most basic skills, we knew something was up. And we were blessed to have experience and knowledge in the world of Autism to know what we were facing. We took the next steps, got Tyler (and later Benjamin) into early intervention, and the rest is history.

But what about the families who don't have the knowledge and experience to know that the things they see might not be "normal"? What about the families who see things that make them go hmm... but don't know they can do something about it? How can we help them? How do we empower them to start that journey?

There tends to be a lot of hesitation in approaching families with concerns about their child, particularly concerns about a child's development. We don't want to offend them. We certainly don't want to hurt them. But the things we see leave a nagging feeling in our gut and we can feel like we are doing them a disservice if we don't say anything. It becomes a constant conversation (even a debate) within our heads. Should we say something? Should we keep our mouths shut?

There are ways to approach this topic with friends and family, but no matter what you want to say, or need to say, it needs to be done with a heart of love and understanding. Before you even consider bringing up concerns, know your intentions. WHY do you want to tell them? Do you plan on supporting them through the journey should something actually be wrong? Do you want to be a right-fighter, where what's important is that YOU caught it? Are you prepared to love them and support them even if they choose not to see what you see?

Your intentions are crucial in approaching such a hard topic for parents. No parents want to hear that something could be wrong with their child. No parents want to believe that their child is not like every other child. If your intentions are anything other than fully focused on loving and supporting this family, then my suggestion is to keep your thoughts and opinions to yourself, because anything you have to say will not be taken well.

Even when your intentions are in the right place, it is still a hard conversation to have. Approach the topic with what you SEE, never with what you THINK. What you think is irrelevant. Staying focused on what you see, such as unusual behaviors or sensitivities to certain things, keeps any judgment out of the conversation.

Expressing what you see is important, but the next step is most important because it will guide the rest of your conversation. The next step is to ask if the parents have seen what you are seeing. Have they noticed the same thing that you have? Are they concerned about it? THEIR ANSWERS ARE WHAT WILL DIRECT YOUR CONVERSATION. A parent who shuts down and says he or she doesn’t see it or doesn’t think it's a problem is a parent who you need to end that specific conversation with. There's no need to push the topic anymore. (Remember how I said your intentions are important? This is NOT the time to be a right-fighter. This is the time to love and support the parents in their decision to not further the conversation.)

Now, if the parents start talking about what they see, their concerns, etc., it's a perfect opportunity to then start asking more questions. You can ask them about whether or not they have talked to a doctor about it and encourage them to talk to their doctor if they have not done so. Continue to ask them questions that empower them as parents. Ask them how they feel about what they are seeing and thinking. Leave out any "you should's," "you ought to's," and "I think's."

You may run into parents who see what you see, have approached their doctor about it, and have been told to "wait and see." THIS IS NOT AN OPPORTUNITY TO BASH THE DOCTOR! Talking badly about the doctor and his or her advice is not going to help the parent. When Tyler was significantly delayed, our doctor said to "wait and see if he makes progress," not because he was a bad doctor (we like him a great deal!), but because that was what he thought was the next step.

Rather than ganging up on the doctor, empower the parents to make their own decision. You can ask if they agree with the doctor. If they do agree, then leave it be. (Again, this is NOT about right-fighting. It's about supporting the family.) If they do not agree, but feel they have no other choice but to follow the doctor's advice, help them to know that they are the parents, and that they can pursue their concerns. They can say they would rather pursue things NOW, as opposed to later.

Whatever the parents decide, whatever path they choose, whether they see it or don't, your role is to love and support them. Your place is to be behind them no matter what. Be there to hold their hands as they think and pray about next steps. Be their cheerleader. Be their friend and confidant. JUST BE THERE. (Even if you’re not in agreement with each other!)

Thursday, July 24, 2014

Burps and Farts and Other Silly Things

I just experienced a very typical dinner in our house. I made a meal knowing that most of the boys wouldn't LOVE it. Frankly, I knew most of them wouldn't even LIKE it. It's not unusual for them to not like dinner... Unless it's chicken nuggets, pizza, pancakes, or pizza casserole, at least 50% of the boys won't like it.

So, with a meal they don't care for comes the disgusted faces, side comments, and let's not forget the shivers with each required bite. There's attempts of negotiation, like "I will eat 3 extra bites of noodles if I don't have to eat the chicken". And of course, there's always the outright refusal to eat ANYTHING (and yes, that typically comes from Zachary). Apparently, the threat of NOT eating food somehow should affect me... I'm not the one who's going to be hungry... I ate my required bites!

In amongst the craziness of teaching the boys to eat, even when they aren't thrilled with their choices, and teaching them to use table manners (including using a fork every so often), there are events that can only be described as "boys will be boys". And when I say boys, I am not only referring to the ones ages 8 and under, but to the 6'4" "boy" sitting at the head of the table...

Within only 5 minutes of sitting down, the silliness begins. It typically begins with Kevin or me trying to talk about our day. The moment one of us opens our mouth, everyone else has something to share. Not because they actually have something to say... Just because they think they should be talking, too. And so, they make up random things to say, ask absurd questions, and when all else fails, they let out a good burp. (For those of you not living life with boys, the rest of this may shock and possibly disturb you!)

So there we are, 5 minutes into dinner, and the first burp is let out... Then the second, the third, and giggles ensue. Once the giggles start, farting always follows. ALWAYS! Apparently you cannot giggle or laugh without passing gas when you're a boy. And this leads to full out belly laughs. It also leads to me trying to reign in the silliness and attempting to have a somewhat civilized meal. (In case you were wondering, I don't typically win... In fact, I typically give up and just sit back and wait.)

In amongst the silliness and craziness, there are these moments of pure joy for me. NO, I do not enjoy being surrounded by burping, farting, and potty talk. BUT, I love to watch my boys interact. I love to watch them laugh and enjoy life. YES, they need to learn about being polite and civilized... And for the most part, outside of our house and when we have visitors, they are very polite and civilized. But in the comfort of their own home, around their kitchen table, they laugh, and enjoy, and stink up the entire room. I want that for them. I want them to remember as adults the silly times at the dinner table. Because those are moments spent as a family. They will not remember what they ate for dinner (however I believe some of their most disliked dinners will be remembered. I still clearly remember my mom's 7-layer casserole, and won't eat it to this day).

What I will remember will be the way Patrick tries to be grown up and keep a serious face, but crumbles at the first fart. I will remember Tyler's silly jokes that make no sense, but makes him giggle anyway. There's Zachary's attempt at sophisticated humor, which always ends with potty humor. And I will never forget the sound of Benjamin's infectious giggle. These moments will be held closely to my heart because some day, our dinner table will only have Kevin and me sitting at it (and I hope Kevin won't continue the tradition once the boys move out).

I am learning to sit back and enjoy these moments. I am learning to trust the parenting Kevin and I have done so far, and to let the boys just BE. Sure, we still have some lines they are not allowed to cross. We still have boundaries and consequences for crossing those boundaries. But, we are now able to let them enjoy dinner (as well as other things) THEIR way. As gross as it might be, it's pretty amazing too.

There will come a day when there will be no more burping and farting and other silly things at my dinner table. Although currently I crave a quiet dinner, I know I will miss it. But for now, I want to enjoy these moments. As a mom of 4 boys, if I want to spend time with them and enjoy them, I have to embrace even the grossest moments. Because, quiet, peaceful, civilized moments do not exist... At all... EVER! And that is okay with me!

Monday, July 21, 2014

Sweet Moments with God...

In my lifetime, I have written hundreds of stories, essays, reports, poems, blog posts, and random projects for work. I have written fiction, non-fiction... Fun and creative things... And let's not forget the oh so boring analysis on books I will never read again. Some of the things I wrote were good, some not so much. Millions of words have been spilled out on paper, computer screens, chalkboards, sand, and even dirty cars. But one thing in common with everything I ever wrote, or will write, is that I love writing them. I LOVE to write.

I don't know if I can say that God has necessarily given me a gift of writing, but he certainly has given me a desire to write. And, I believe that desire is God's way of drawing me close to him. The time spent writing is probably the best time spent with God. And I am not just talking about when I am writing on my blog or something fun like a creative story. I am talking about any kind of writing... Even the strategic plan I wrote for our Special Needs ministry.

It's not work for me... But, it's not effortless either. The effort put in to anything I write is big. I spend time thinking about the "right" way to say things. Not because I am afraid of being wrong, but because I want to be sure that those reading hear what is truly being said. Even little notes I write (like the silly notes I write from the poor lonely caramel cream's point of view to my boss reminding her the caramels are almost gone) are never random thoughts... They are thoughts carefully written out to express what I am feeling, what I am thinking.

As I have gotten older, I have learned to appreciate this time of writing. Partly because I rarely get the quiet time (4 boys will do that). But more so because as I have gotten older, I hear God much more in my writing. What used to be about the product (a good post or story or report) is now focused on the process. It's more about what God wants to say through me...

The connection I find with Him during the process of writing is indescribable. There are moments when I write when I can feel Him in me, almost like He's the one typing. I find myself having a conversation with Him as I think about the next sentence or paragraph. There are moments when I realize that what I started writing about shifts, and suddenly has taken on a whole different path. (This post is definitely one of those moments.)

In THIS moment, as I write, there is a calmness in me that can only be from Him. I do not feel this any other time. Not when I listen to music, or worship in church, or pray, or read... THIS is my connection to Him. He gave me the ability to write, the ability to put thoughts and feelings onto paper that I cannot get out verbally. He didn't give me this ability with the intention of me being a famous author or blogger... He gave me the ability and desire to write so that He and I can be intimately connected. So that He can be with me and only me.

What makes writing even better is that I have the ability to share what I have learned through Him with you all. The honest posts I write are to tell a story... But not just MY story... It's the story of any mom of Special Needs children. It's the story of any mom just trying to make the best of each day. It's the story of any woman trying to find herself in the chaos of life. And, really, it's the story of any Christian trying to maneuver life here on earth.

And most importantly, the things I have posted and will post tell HIS story. They tell of all the things HE has placed on my heart to talk about. They tell of HIS grace, HIS love, HIS patience... There is nothing I have gone through in life that He wasn't there for. There's not a precious moment with my children, or a battle that has been fought that He was not with me for. And so, as our senior pastor talked about this past week, MY story that I write is just a small part of HIS story.

I write because He created me to do so. I write because my heart overflows with His love. I write because there is nothing better than sitting with Him, conversing with Him. He wired me in a way that has made writing our special time. Whether I am a great writer or a so-so writer is not important to me (although it would be nice to be great)... I will write for as long as my body allows because there is no better moment than when I am writing. No other moment feels like this...

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

The Lies that Bind

The past couple of months of been busy and amazing and crazy and filled with God's awesome touch! We have had two monkey birthdays, a vacation to the beach, and many summer adventures. But the biggest, most amazing thing that has happened since I was last on here is that my husband pursued his dream of teaching! And, as of yesterday, he is officially an instructor for a vocational school in York!

Here's the thing... It's not just exciting because he has a new job doing what he loves. It's not just exciting because he's going to be impacting high schoolers and adults on a daily basis. It is MOST exciting because after 10 years of watching my husband squash his dream over and over again because the lies in his head told him he could never teach, he LET GO and TRUSTED GOD!

Since the day I met Kevin, I knew he WANTED to teach as a profession. He would talk about how even in high school he knew he wanted to teach. But something was holding him back... It wasn't his grades, because he had good grades. It wasn't his personality, because we all know he has a GREAT people-person personality! What held him back were the lies that he had in his head.  The lies that told him he would never be good enough to teach. The lies that said he would fail as a teacher.  The lies that told him there were "better" people to impact students.

Those lies continued to hold him back... Because of the lies and the fears, he settled on jobs that although were supporting our family, were NOT what God ultimately wanted for him. He pursued "safe" jobs, ones that he knew he could do. Ones that were in his comfort zone. He did an amazing job at whatever he did, and he exuded God wherever he worked. BUT, he wasn't doing what he knew God created him to do.

And then it happened... Slowly but surely, with the help of friends encouraging him and speaking truth into him, he pushed the lies and fears aside, and pursued his dream. The process was not easy, as it took over 3 months from his 1st interview to the actual job offer. There were weeks where he heard NOTHING from the school. There were many moments where the lies would consume his thoughts... BUT, he held onto the dream. He held onto the truth...

The lies in our heads can consume us. They can bind us to a life filled with fear, holding us back from what God has created us to be and do. It's something I still struggle with... I tend to allow the lies in my head to play over and over until I believe them. A friend of mine calls it the "lizard brain".  It is an everyday effort to squelch the lizard brain... Sometimes it needs to be silenced multiple times a day.

These lies are NOT from God. He does not tell us the things we can't do... He does not fill us with fear and doubt. He certainly does NOT tell us we are not worthy of pursuing the dreams HE has placed in our hearts. God only speaks TRUTH. HIS TRUTH. And, when we trust Him, and silence the lies that bind us, we find ourselves not just dreaming, but living.

I know that for Kevin, there will be moments where the lies will creep into his thoughts. I also know that those around him will help remind him of the truth. There will be days when he will doubt himself and the plans God has for him. But for now, he is wholeheartedly living the dream God has given him. As his wife, there is NOTHING more amazing to see than him letting go of the lies and embracing who God has created him to be...