2020 has certainly NOT been kind. Each month we seem to be faced with another challenge, another reminder that we do in fact live in a fallen and broken world. COVID keeps it's grip on our country, not discriminating against young or old. Racial tension and awareness brought out both the good and the bad in people. We are in the throws of an election year that is beyond ugly. Summer as we have known it disappeared. The new school year will be nothing like any other year.
I have thoughts and feelings about all of it. But what I have spent the past several months focused on are the four boys in my house who have questions about ALL of it. And their questions are hard. They're insightful. They have been questions that have stopped me in my tracks and have left me weeping over them. I realized months ago that I had a much bigger calling in front of me than just to survive a stay-at-home order or to get creative with our summer plans. This year, my calling as "mama" was (and still is) to help my growing boys to process their world and to help them make heads or tails of a very hard time.
When the boys were little, I thought that we were in the hardest stage of parenting. When my youngest was born, we had a newborn, 1 year old, 2 year old, and a just barely 4 year old. We had 3 in diapers for a year. I hadn't slept in years. I didn't have enough arms to keep a hold of them all. It was a hard stage! As they got older, and were all mobile, wrangling them was ridiculous! It was hard. But this year, I have realized THIS is the HARDEST stage yet. THIS is where the rubber meets the road. Where all of those years of getting to know each boy, getting to know their hearts has come into action. THIS is where they are now using the beautiful brains and hearts that God has given them to form their own thoughts and feelings. And wow do they have some BIG thoughts and feelings!
Questions started flooding in from each boy when COVID first hit. They wanted to know the details, the facts. They wanted to see the charts and understand the data. Kevin and I helped them to understand what they were reading as best we could. As we moved from thinking this all was temporary to realizing how serious things were, the questions became harder. The main question: "What if one of us gets COVID?" They'd go through the people they love dearly and wondered WHAT IF... My response, "What if they do? What could that mean?" And with each boy, we journeyed down the what if trail, always ending with, "No matter how sad, or how hard, or how scary, God's got us. We'll be okay."
I wish those were the only hard conversations we had to have, but no... more questions came as the boys watched how racism impacts their world. "Why would anyone see someone as less of a person because they're not the same color?" "God made us all in HIS image, so wouldn't that mean that black and brown people are in His image, too?" Our Benjamin, who loves and feels deeper than any of the boys, tried so hard to understand why it was happening. He would tell me often, "Mama, I like the different colors of skin. We'd be boring if we were all one color. Why can't people see that? Why do people get treated different?" The innocence that once existed is long gone. And in those conversations, I found myself lost for words. I had to rely on God for the answers.
The hardest type questions the boys have asked start with, "Why do people...". "Why do people riot?" "Why do people hate other people so much?" "Why do people call other people names just because they don't like what the other person is saying?" "Why do people hurt other people?" Boy, do I miss the "why is the sky blue" type questions!
There is no easy (or right) way to answer those questions. So, we carefully maneuver through the minefield until the boys are satisfied (for the moment). At times I feel inept and unqualified to answer their questions. But, I am humbled to be a part of that journey for them.
In 20 years, when they look back on 2020, I pray that they remember these conversations. I pray that they find assurance that no matter what, that God has them. I pray that they continue to have the kind, loving hearts they have now and that they can go out into the world and make a difference.
This parenting thing is so unbelievably hard. The ache that I feel for each boy grows as they share more of what's on their hearts and minds. But I feel so blessed that God chose me to be their mama, to be the one who can be their soft place. We are called NOT to keep them from the hard stuff, but to help them maneuver THROUGH the hard stuff. And that is where I choose to spend my energy... on helping them, guiding them, shaping them. Even when it's hard!
I don't know what else 2020 will bring... but God's got us, and we will be okay. My Benjamin says so!
