I have been struggling the last several weeks (okay, for years, but especially these past weeks) to be okay with who I am. I have lost sight of the great qualities God has given me and spend my days focused on what I do NOT have. For instance, I do not have the ability to make a room laugh (unless of course I have done something absolutely stupid, like slip and fall!) I cannot sing well enough to be on the worship team (or really even to to sing with my boys, according to our 3 year old.) I am not creative when cooking dinner. Sorry, boys, I will NOT be making your hot dogs look like an octopus!
The list could go on and on about the things I wish I had compared to other people. And, for me, when I say "things" I don't mean money or stuff. I mean qualities and traits and personalities. The more time I interact with people, the more I realize I desire to be someone that I am not.
This can never be more true than when it comes to me being a Mama. There is a list longer than my arm of ways I could be different as a Mama. Everything from the way I pray with the boys to the way I feed them breakfast. I often wonder if my oldest wishes I were different, now that he is seeing how other moms are. Does he realize other moms actually spend hours playing with their kids? Does he know that other children get warm pancakes with syrup for breakfast before heading off to school? Does he think that other moms actually remember everybody's name in the house?
I can easily spend my days getting lost in what I am not, and who I wish I could be. BUT, God doesn't want that for me. He created me a certain way... flaws and all! And, He gives me moments of reality that remind me that I am who I am because He wanted it that way.
The other night I was working from home, trying to prepare for our new school year. Patrick (our oldest) had come to me asking if I would come play with his pirate ship with him. I told him no, and explained that although I would love to play with him I had to get work done. (ENTER "MAMA" GUILT HERE.) He was crushed. In his world, I chose work over him. (This is a moment when I wish I were like other moms who don't have to bring home work.) He left the room in tears and I definitely felt like a bad mommy. I went to him a little later and talked with him about what happened. I told him I was sorry that I couldn't play with him. His response: "It's okay, Mama. I know you love me, even if you don't play with me."
There it was. The reminder I needed. My son KNOWS I love him. He knows I love him even when I am not doing what other moms might do. It doesn't matter that I don't necessarily brush my kids hair in the morning or create tents to play in everynight. As long as my children know that I love them, then I am doing something right.
Although I would love to say, "I promise to never, EVER compare myself to other moms or co-workers or random strangers", I know I would fail within a day! BUT, if I keep my eyes on who God wants me to be, created me to be, I can spend more of my time embracing who I am rather than who I wish I were. God will continue to send me reminders (sometimes in the form of a 2x4) that I am wonderfully created, and I don't need to be anybody but ME.
