I'm not okay... But I will be!

It's been a rough couple of weeks here in the Schussler household. The stomach bug ran rampant through most of us, and we're still waiting to see if our oldest son will be hit with it. I've done more laundry in the last week than I have in a whole month. We're all very ready for sick season to be over!

There's been battles of wills, teenage angst, disappointments, and a sprinkling of some pretty neat things. We've had the highs of one son's team winning the Academic Bowl for 6th grade, our oldest making it into the Junior Honors Society, and good grades for another marking period for all four of them. But we also had to help our youngest process not getting into our Gifted Program (which his older brothers are all a part of), our oldest son's team not winning the Academic Bowl for 8th grade, and let's not forget the dislocated finger event. And it's all been within 2 weeks...

As I've been trying to steal some moments away, I've been trying to figure out what I think and feel about the past two weeks. And the main thing I feel is TIRED. I'm exhausted, both physically and mentally. It's hard on me when the boys get sick. Partly because I hate seeing them sick. But it's also because I am the person who must rearrange my life to take care of them. I am the one to cancel scheduled work days. I am the one who cleans up after them and does the insane amount of laundry.

I love the ability to stay home with them, but so much happens in my mind when things have to change. There was SO much internal guilt over having to cancel a work day... They were relying on me to come in and substitute and I had to cancel. I couldn't fulfill my responsibility. And then there was the guilt for being bothered that one son was sick and was causing me to rearrange my day. And then on top of all of that, there was guilt over the fact that I was mad at Kevin because he doesn't have to rearrange his life.

That guilt was brutal. And it took a lot of work to get past that. I wish I could say next time will be better, but I highly doubt it. It will be less. It has to be. But I don't think that guilt will ever go away completely. It kind of comes with the territory of being a mom.

The last two weeks got me thinking about how we interact with people... There were several people who had asked me how I was doing, how I was holding up. They asked because they care. But in those moments, I didn't answer truthfully. I would make light of things, make a joke, share a funny (but gross) story about the adventures of the stomach bug in a house of 6 people. But I couldn't tell them how I was REALLY doing. How I was feeling guilty and run down and so many other things. And it got me thinking about WHY I felt like I couldn't say what I was feeling.

I struggle to say "I'm not doing so great" to people. I struggle to show that I am struggling. Partly because I don't want to seem weak, but also because I know it's temporary. I don't want people worrying about me when I know it will pass. I don't want people to think I am stuck in a place of doom and gloom when I know it's just a moment. So I don't share.

But, what if I did? What IF I answered "I'm not okay. BUT, I will be." What if we all answered that way instead of the typical "I'm good."? I think we would feel less isolated and alone. I think we would be able to have better conversations with others. If someone said to me "I'm not okay. BUT, I will be", I would know to pray for them. Others would know to handle with care. Maybe it would deepen relationships...

So, here I am saying that I am not okay. But, I will be. Things are hard right now for a multitudinous of reasons... but it won't stay that way forever.

Reflecting on What God Has Done

Here we are, the year 2020... How did we ever get here? There are days where I still think we're in the early 2000's!! Time certainly feels like it flies by.

We had an amazing Christmas and New Year at the Schussler house! So much quality time together, so many opportunities to slow down and connect! The boys are older now, so gift giving is actually more fun, as they give each other gifts. It's always so fun to see them get excited to give their gifts!

Christmas 2019

I've been spending a lot of time reflecting about not only this past year, but this past decade. What a crazy ride it has been! 10 years ago, Patrick was 3, Tyler was 1 1/2, Zach was 6 months, and we had just learned that we were pregnant with Ben. We were what felt like barely staying afloat. There was very little sleep and a whole lot of crying (and not always from just the boys). I was preparing to follow my dream of working for our church part time. Kevin was in a job he hated. It was an insane time of life that I wasn't sure we would ever survive.

Christmas 2009

Ten years ago was also when I began to seek God more intentionally and his purpose for me. It was when I had begun the journey of finding myself. I had no idea where the journey was going to take me, but I knew it needed to begin. As much as I loved my boys and my life, I had a constant feeling of failure and guilt. I felt lost in the mix and didn't know how to love myself. I knew that if I was going to be the best Mama for my boys that I needed to find the me God had created.

And so began an amazingly wonderful, complicated, and scary journey. My job at the church kept shifting into new roles, roles I would never have thought I was qualified to do. Ben was born and finished our beautiful family. Several surgeries happened. Tyler and Ben were both blessed with Early Intervention help and Tyler was diagnosed with being on the Autism Spectrum. Kevin was on his own journey, and after years of being afraid to follow his dream, he took the plunge and became a teacher! The boys all started school, and succeeded with each year.

This past year (2019) was probably the most intense and hardest year for me personally. The nine years before was hectic and always busy, but this past year was a different crazy. I had entered a place of Wilderness. I was preparing to leave a job that had been a part of my identity for almost a decade. My babies were growing into young men and my role in their life had begun to shift, especially with our teenager. I couldn't feel God, but I continued to seek Him. I began a new job as a substitute teacher that left me feeling insecure and sometimes incompetent. I was learning how to worship in the same place that had been my job, which was way more complicated than I had ever expected. Nothing about the year felt secure.

The path is not always clear.

But something changed in late November/early December... I had found that life felt less complicated, less hard. I could hear God's voice again. I could feel a sense of direction. There was peace in my heart for the first time in a while. I began to see that I didn't need to know what was coming next and that I could be happy with what IS. Worshiping became easier, became more comfortable. And, I learned to embrace the changes in my role as Mama for my ever changing boys.

I hated the time of wilderness. I hated feeling lost. I hated feeling far from God. But I am so grateful for it. 2019 became the year that made the whole decade make sense. It pulled all of the great things, the bad things, the crazy things together. And the journey of finding myself came to fruition. 

2020 will be a year of enjoyment. It will be a year to embrace who I am, where I am. It will be a year of seeing all the little ways God touches my life. I am excited to spend more time in nature with my camera, more time getting to know my boys (young men), and more time connecting with God.