This week has been a hard, emotional week, filled with joys and sorrows, and everything in between. I have been up and down, and I think sometimes even sideways... I have laughed and cried and yelled and sat numb, unsure of what I was feeling. Everything felt complicated... The more I thought about things, the more complicated it seemed. But, as I stopped thinking and starting just feeling, things have begun to feel more clear...
On Friday night, my Nanny (my mom's mom) passed away. She was in her 90's, and had been ill for quite a while. She had been given days to live 3 weeks ago, and so we knew her time on earth was coming to an end. All the details had already been worked out, and hospice had been wonderful in keeping her comfortable.
I thought I knew how I would handle her death. I thought I was prepared for the emotions. I've helped support people in the grieving process. I thought knowing the stages of grief would be helpful for me.
Boy was I wrong... The more I thought about the process and the emotions I was feeling, the more confused I became. I would explain things as being complicated. And, in a way, things are complicated... The relationship with my Nanny was different and strained. Her stubborn ways left no room for God in her life. There are no warm and fuzzy memories of our time together. She didn't leave a beautiful legacy of a Godly life for us to follow...
Mourning her loss has been filled with emotions I wasn't expecting. Anger at her and the way she chose to live was the first emotion that overwhelmed me. Then guilt for being angry. And guilt for not trying harder to tell her about Jesus. Then more anger for how there were no warm fuzzy memories. Then sadness over her being gone, which quickly turned into me thinking about why I would be so sad over someone I wasn't really close to. It has been a non-stop whirlwind of emotions and rather than just sitting in those emotions, I analyzed the emotions. I would try to explain away the emotions. But, I am learning it's much easier to just feel whatever I feel no matter what.
I am finding that things aren't as complicated as I perceived them to be... I am mourning the loss of a woman I have loved my entire life. How she lived her life, when she chose to be stubborn, warm fuzzy feelings or not... That all doesn't matter... I still loved her. Our relationship wasn't like other grandmothers and granddaughters, but it was OUR relationship. She was still my grandmother.
She lived a full life, had two beautiful daughters, 5 grandchildren, and 4 great-grandchildren. She loved her family in her own way. She was created by God, even if she never followed Him. She was special to God, and I pray that in her last moments she saw Him and clung to Him.
I loved her. She was my grandmother. And I am giving myself permission to mourn her. No thinking, no analyzing, just feeling. Just sitting with God, my emotions and the peace that can only come from God. I will celebrate the creation God had made in Nanny. I will NOT lose sight of the fact that she is a life to celebrate, no matter what the past held.
