In the past few weeks, I have been spending many moments reflecting on this past year as well as my life as a whole. At our All Staff Meetings twice a month, people on our staff have been sharing their "story". This has been such a blessing to hear how God has shaped the people I work with. At some point, it will be my turn to share my story, which has led me to spend a good bit of time reflecting.
Of course, with 2012 rapidly coming to an end, it is even easier for me to get wrapped up in reflection... More so, I find myself thinking about what I will do differently for 2013. I am NOT one for New Year's resolutions. I know myself well enough to know that I would never stick with it. By February, I am typically back to how I was before.
There are tons of things I COULD resolve to do. There are things about myself that could definitely use some change... My nails would be very grateful if I could stop biting them. If I let go of my fear of wearing bright colors I might have a better wardrobe. And, if I could change my over-the-top love for caramel creams to just an infrequent like, I might just lose the last few baby pounds.
But, for me, I am not motivated to change any of those. I am not uncomfortable enough to put forth the effort needed to stop nail-biting, wearing dull colors, and I am certainly not even close to being uncomfortable enough to change my obsession with caramel creams. BUT, what I have realized is there is an aspect of me that needs to change NOW. In fact, it's something that should have changed YEARS and YEARS ago...
For as long as I can remember, I have allowed my life to be run by my self-doubt. No matter what I was doing, no matter what was asked of me, my self-doubt has kept me from fully reaching my potential. I have never allowed myself to believe that I was really good at anything. Compliments went in one ear and out the other. I would tell myself that people were just being polite.
One of the things that sticks out my mind the most is how in middle school and high school I played flute in the band. I was good, so said my parents and band directors and other band members. I sat 1st chair for the majority of my time in the band. I auditioned for All South Jersey twice and All State New Mexico once. And each time, I fell 2 people shy of making the band. Looking back, I could have made it each time. I could have played with some of the top band members in the state (meaning, I could have been one of the top band members in the state), but something happened with each audition. When I walked into the room, rather than allowing myself to believe I belonged there, I did the exact opposite. I told myself I was crazy for even thinking I could compare with the other flutists. Over and over I would tell myself I didn't belong there. And, if that wasn't enough, I would then tell myself that even if I did make it, I could never really keep up in a band that great.
I think about those auditions often. I think about what could have been. What if I had believed my parents and band directors? What if I truly thought I could do what everyone said I could do? I probably would have made it every time I auditioned. I mean, I was only 2 people away when I told myself I couldn't do it... Saying I COULD do it might have led me down a wonderful musical road.
I can't change my band days. I can't change the "what ifs" from over a decade ago. BUT, I can re-evaluate how I think today. God has created me to be a certain way. He has gifted me with talents and skills that not everyone has. And, it's time I embrace that. If I let go of the self-doubt, if I stop telling myself I can't do it or that others can do it better than me, I CAN make a difference. I CAN reach the potential God has for me.
Now, there are tons of things I will never be good at (performing surgery would be one of those things). There are definitely things that others can do better than me, such as acting and singing. But those are not God given dreams or desires of mine. God hasn't placed those things on my heart. The talents and skills He has given me definitely line up with the desires of my heart. If I embark on what God has set on my heart to do, then I am going to do well. If I go into the "auditions" of life telling myself I am right where I should be and can do whatever lays ahead, then I will not only succeed, but will excel. I just have to shut off the doubts and allow myself to believe that I can be that good.
We all have doubts. Especially when we are asked to do things that seem bigger than us. Moses doubted whether he was the right man for the job when God asked him to go to Pharoah. BUT, he chose to trust God and do it anyway. Mary doubted whether God had chosen the right girl to carry and raise HIS son, but she chose to trust God and was a wonderful mother of Jesus. Doubt itself is not necessarily wrong. LIVING in that doubt and never trusting what God wants of you is not only wrong, but can be devastating.
What in your life is God asking you to do, but you keep holding yourself back? As hard as it is, step out of your own way and let yourself reach the potential He has set for you... That's my plan for the coming year, and for the rest of my life!
