Here's the deal... I am not one for New Year's resolutions. I can't remember the last time I actually made one. I can tell you the last time I did make one, I failed horribly at keeping it and swore I would never do it again. (I typically steer clear of anything I know I will fail at. Just kind of how I am.) I don't think there is anything wrong with making a resolution or two. It's always great to have goals and hopes and plans. It just doesn't work for me to make January 1st the starting date. If I am going to make a resolution for myself, it's often at a random time and extremely heart felt. Then, and only then, can I actually stick with a resolution...
What I do enjoy doing for New Year's is taking stock of the previous year and looking ahead to the coming year. So many things can be learned from looking back. And so much hope can be found looking ahead. So, tonight, as I reflect and hope, I pray that each of you who read this get a moment or two to also reflect and hope. We each walk a journey filled with joys and sorrows, struggles and successes... It's sometimes helpful to keep perspective when we take a moment...
2013 brought so many fun times. Making new friends, going on vacation with the boys, watching the boys grow into little men... I got to go away to a conference in Georgia for the first time! Zachary started Preschool, Tyler started Kindergarten, and Patrick started 2nd grade.
Of course, there were also hard times. Patrick was bullied at school (which has gotten way better), Tyler struggled initially to adjust at school (but is now one of the best students in his class), and Benjamin struggles to adapt to his surroundings. There were moments of medical scares, and financial worries. But, the hard times passed, as they always do.
Nothing has been as impactful this year as my personal journey. The person that I was reflecting on 2012 and hoping for 2013 is NOT the same person that sits here tonight. God has been working on me all year, and I am proud to say that I have slowly become more and more the way I believe God has created me to be. The internal journey still goes on, as I still have self-doubt and fear to squash. But, today, as I walked through my work's hallways, I walked with confidence. I wore my bright orange coat, my make-up and yes, even lip gloss, remembering the wallflower from a year ago. I didn't know who I was, didn't really embrace what God had created me to be. I wanted to shrink into the background and not be noticed... Or so I thought.
But here I am, ending 2013 knowing full well that I am no wallflower. I am a child of God, and He has big plans for me. I will no longer hide behind others and use my fears to keep me from pursuing the things I feel led to pursue. This year, I have branched out of my comfort zone so far that I cannot remember where my comfort zone even was. I have taught about Special Needs, I have worked with other churches to serve their Special Needs attendees. I even wrote a guest blog post or two. I have connected with families and helped them to see their children the way God sees them. I have poured myself into the ministries I love so deeply. And most importantly, I have walked with God in a very different, much more rewarding way. The negative, destructive thoughts are less, because I have learned how to replace them with truth. His truth.
2014 will be yet another year for me to continue to grow and to become closer to God. I have a desire to meet Him at a new level. And, thankfully, with the many changes happening in my life, I have the opportunity to do just that. Dreaming will be a big part of 2014. Dreams of teaching, speaking, writing... Dreams of being a better, more present mom and wife... Desires to whole-heartedly embrace what God has in store for me and for my family.
I can see glimpses of the things to come this year, and although there is fear of the unknown, I am so excited to see what God has planned for me. And, as I journey through another day, another month, another year, I know that as long as I keep my eyes on Him, I WILL continue to grow. I WILL continue to find the true me, the me God so desires for me to be.
A new year is about to happen, and I am as ready as I possibly can be!
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Sunday, December 29, 2013
Following God's Lead
I am back! Okay, so I was never really gone. There just haven't been a whole lot of "sweet moments of peace" in my life these past couple of months. Even though I have not had a lot of time to write (or even think), God has been doing amazing things in my life and in my family. There are so many things I would LOVE to talk about... So many wins, so many God moments, and some significant struggles that have only led to God's light shining through. I hope that in the coming weeks I will have more time, more peace to write about all of them. But for the moment, there is something that seems most important to share...
Over the past several months, I have felt God calling me to do something I just COULD NOT do. I had every excuse in the book as to why MY plan was better than His. I dug my heels in, and refused to budge. (Picture a 3 year old refusing to clean up his toys... Foot stomping, crying, and let's not forget the "throw yourself on the floor, kicking and screaming" moment. Yup, that was me!) My refusal got me nowhere, except more frustrated, tired and well, CRANKY.
I began to seriously think about what God was calling me to do. There were moments when I could see what I needed to do, and that in the long wrong, it would be best for everyone. After some long tearful conversations with God, I gave up my thoughts and plans, left the road I was on, and chose to give everything to God. So, in just two weeks, I will be finishing up my full time position as the Director of Preschool and moving into my new part time position of Director of kid::care (our child care ministry).
In writing, it doesn't seem so scary. In fact, it seems quite nice... As a mom of 4 boys, part time definitely sounds SO MUCH BETTER! The idea of spending more time with the boys is wonderful. Continuing to work with the team I have grown to love and see as family is more than I could have asked for. I still get to work with the families at our church, still get to see the cute faces of many of the kids, and best of all, I still get to work with our Special Needs ministry. In fact, able::life will be my only Sunday morning ministry. So many awesome things in writing...
But, when I finally chose to follow God's lead, I didn't know that there was a part time position just right for me that I could move into. I didn't know I would remain in the ministry that my heart overflows for. What the logical side of me knew was that I was about to step away from a position that allowed not only financial stability but insurance coverage for my boys and me. What the emotional side of me knew was that I was going to have to say goodbye to what I have known and loved. And the biggest thing I knew was that I was about to enter a world of "unknowns", and I do not like unknowns. They scare me. They scare me even more than bees... (And let me tell you, I have a GINORMOUS, irrational fear of bees.)
My head and my heart struggled (and still do) to be on the same page. My head lists all the reasons I should just stay right where I am at. My heart cries out for so much more. And, ultimately, I believe that what my heart longs for is what God longs for me. And so, putting aside the logic and the fear, I chose to listen to God...
I find myself thinking and acting like the Israelites heading to the Promised Land sometimes. I KNOW that where God is leading me has to be better than where I was. And yet, I find myself wishing I could go back to what I know and am comfortable with. It seems so much better looking back, because I at least know what that life is like. There's no guessing... Heading somewhere I have never been or seen, doing things I have never done, trusting on a God I cannot see doesn't always sound more inviting than being a slave to the life I already know.
But, here I am heading into God's Promised Land for me. I don't know what it's fully going to look like. I seriously don't have any idea how God is going to provide for our financial needs, but I know He WILL. There are deserts to walk through, storms to weather, and a whole lot of trusting God to do. There is also a whole lot of dreaming to do (something I have not done a lot of in a very long time). I have dreams of writing more, speaking/training about the things I am most passionate about, and just maybe embracing my creative side again. And, now, I can dream. I can dream BIG. I can pursue what God has created me to do.
Following God's lead is not exactly the easiest thing for us humans... We see life through human eyes. We see the hiccups and the logic and the emotion. What we don't always see is that God can do anything. He can make the illogical happen. He's not bothered by silly things like money. He sees life through HIS eyes... and His eyes see our purpose and potential. He sees more than just a couple days or months or years ahead of us. He sees our entire lifetime. He sees the people we will meet, the impact we will have, the joy we will find. Logic and fear have no room in His view.
This journey is going to be bumpy, at best. I see a lot of different emotions in my near future. I know there will be days when I will look back at "Egypt" and wish I were there again. I also know that God has a much better plan for me. I know God is leading me somewhere I cannot even fathom... And that is where I want to go, even if it is scary and sometimes makes no sense.
Over the past several months, I have felt God calling me to do something I just COULD NOT do. I had every excuse in the book as to why MY plan was better than His. I dug my heels in, and refused to budge. (Picture a 3 year old refusing to clean up his toys... Foot stomping, crying, and let's not forget the "throw yourself on the floor, kicking and screaming" moment. Yup, that was me!) My refusal got me nowhere, except more frustrated, tired and well, CRANKY.
I began to seriously think about what God was calling me to do. There were moments when I could see what I needed to do, and that in the long wrong, it would be best for everyone. After some long tearful conversations with God, I gave up my thoughts and plans, left the road I was on, and chose to give everything to God. So, in just two weeks, I will be finishing up my full time position as the Director of Preschool and moving into my new part time position of Director of kid::care (our child care ministry).
In writing, it doesn't seem so scary. In fact, it seems quite nice... As a mom of 4 boys, part time definitely sounds SO MUCH BETTER! The idea of spending more time with the boys is wonderful. Continuing to work with the team I have grown to love and see as family is more than I could have asked for. I still get to work with the families at our church, still get to see the cute faces of many of the kids, and best of all, I still get to work with our Special Needs ministry. In fact, able::life will be my only Sunday morning ministry. So many awesome things in writing...
But, when I finally chose to follow God's lead, I didn't know that there was a part time position just right for me that I could move into. I didn't know I would remain in the ministry that my heart overflows for. What the logical side of me knew was that I was about to step away from a position that allowed not only financial stability but insurance coverage for my boys and me. What the emotional side of me knew was that I was going to have to say goodbye to what I have known and loved. And the biggest thing I knew was that I was about to enter a world of "unknowns", and I do not like unknowns. They scare me. They scare me even more than bees... (And let me tell you, I have a GINORMOUS, irrational fear of bees.)
My head and my heart struggled (and still do) to be on the same page. My head lists all the reasons I should just stay right where I am at. My heart cries out for so much more. And, ultimately, I believe that what my heart longs for is what God longs for me. And so, putting aside the logic and the fear, I chose to listen to God...
I find myself thinking and acting like the Israelites heading to the Promised Land sometimes. I KNOW that where God is leading me has to be better than where I was. And yet, I find myself wishing I could go back to what I know and am comfortable with. It seems so much better looking back, because I at least know what that life is like. There's no guessing... Heading somewhere I have never been or seen, doing things I have never done, trusting on a God I cannot see doesn't always sound more inviting than being a slave to the life I already know.
But, here I am heading into God's Promised Land for me. I don't know what it's fully going to look like. I seriously don't have any idea how God is going to provide for our financial needs, but I know He WILL. There are deserts to walk through, storms to weather, and a whole lot of trusting God to do. There is also a whole lot of dreaming to do (something I have not done a lot of in a very long time). I have dreams of writing more, speaking/training about the things I am most passionate about, and just maybe embracing my creative side again. And, now, I can dream. I can dream BIG. I can pursue what God has created me to do.
Following God's lead is not exactly the easiest thing for us humans... We see life through human eyes. We see the hiccups and the logic and the emotion. What we don't always see is that God can do anything. He can make the illogical happen. He's not bothered by silly things like money. He sees life through HIS eyes... and His eyes see our purpose and potential. He sees more than just a couple days or months or years ahead of us. He sees our entire lifetime. He sees the people we will meet, the impact we will have, the joy we will find. Logic and fear have no room in His view.
This journey is going to be bumpy, at best. I see a lot of different emotions in my near future. I know there will be days when I will look back at "Egypt" and wish I were there again. I also know that God has a much better plan for me. I know God is leading me somewhere I cannot even fathom... And that is where I want to go, even if it is scary and sometimes makes no sense.
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