There has been a lot of things going on in my life right now. Some things have been amazing (like Kevin following his dream, the boys starting school, work things). Some things have been overwhelming (like Kevin following his dream, the boys starting school, work things). Although there have been great things happening, overall, I have been left feeling like I am drowning in a sea of chaos and disappointment. The wonderful glimpses of God's blessings seem to be fewer and fewer (not because they aren't there, but because I just can't see them). It's gotten me thinking about what I am doing wrong... What am I doing to contribute to this?
Life is crazy. It always has been, and probably always will be. Some craziness I create myself. My need to control EVERYTHING plays a crucial part in the craziness. But right now, there is a lot happening that I did not create... The stresses of raising children can be extreme. Raising 4 boys can be intense. Raising 2 boys with special needs can be extremely intense. And just when you think you have it somewhat figured out, everything changes. Just when you think you are gaining ground, you watch one of them regress and you have no idea of how far back he's gonna go.
There's other home stuff, husband stuff, financial stuff (which is playing a very large role in the stress department), and health stuff... Everything has come together to create a "perfect storm", leading me to feel as if I am drowning. Too many things need my attention, and I honestly just don't have the energy to focus on anything. I find myself asking God "why?", and never really getting an answer. I ask "What are you thinking?", which typically involves a tone filled with sarcastic attitude (which doesn't ever seem to go over well with God). These questions get me absolutely nowhere. "Why's" may never be answered. "What's" with attitude and sarcasm (and a good bit of anger) serve no purpose.
SO, I am learning that I need to ask different questions. What would it look like if I changed my "why's" to "Where are You leading me"? What would happen if "What are you thinking?" changed to "How can I be more in tune with Your plan?"
Shifting my questions is not just about the wording... It's about my heart. The intention behind my questions is just as important as the words I use. My snippy, attitude filled questions are ALL about ME. MY pain, MY frustrations, what I want. My intentions are to make myself feel better or to understand why I am going through what I am. At no point are my questions truly intended to seek out God's will or to really grow in Him.
But, when I shift the intentions of my heart, when I desire to connect with God and want to know HIS will, my questions change. I find my questions are way more focused on Him...
"Where are you leading me?"
"Who is truly in control?"
"What can I do to connect more with You?"
"How are you using this to help me grow?"
I am learning to avoid asking "why" at all. It doesn't really get me anywhere, ever. I'd rather spend my time asking questions that will get me closer to Him. Closer to His will, His plans for me. Because, the closer I am to Him and the more intentional I am about following His plans, the less overwhelming life seems to feel. When I ask questions with the intention of growing (and not with the intention of just throwing a hissy fit), everything feels so much more manageable.
Don't get me wrong, changing my questions don't magically change my life circumstances. I still have 4 boys (all with their own needs), a husband, a house, a job, health issues, and all the junk that comes with life. But when my intentions on how to focus on the chaos and the challenges shift from a "why me" mentality to a "how are You leading me" mentality, the overwhelming sense of pressure and isolation minimize. No longer do I feel alone. No longer do I feel I have to figure everything out by myself.
There may never be answers to all of my questions. I might be left with a very long list of questions for Jesus the day I meet him in Heaven. And, I have to be okay with that. But here on earth, as I struggle through daily life, I want to try to ask the questions that get me closer to Him. And maybe spend less time throwing hissy fits and asking "why, why, why" while stomping my feet.
