Change is a'comin...

CHANGE happens... OFTEN! And no, I don't mean quarters and dimes (however, that kind of change is nice). Our boys are constantly changing. Their baby features have all but disappeared. No more pudgy, squishy faces. Rather, my eight year old has a nice defined face, with young man features. Even Ben, our four year old, no longer looks like a toddler.

Their appetites change from week to week. Some weeks they eat like teenagers, where there is not enough food on the table to satisfy their growling stomachs. Other weeks, they eat like birds, and act as if they dislike everything (except for goodies. They seem to always like them).

Seasons change. Our bodies change (for the good or bad). I change the way our rooms look, moving furniture around for something different. TV shows change, as well as our preferences on what TV shows we should watch. And, in our house, our preferences change around the 4th season of a show.

There are countless changes throughout daily life that we take in stride. I love the kind of changes that keep me from getting bored. I embrace many changes as a fun adventure. But then there are those changes that send my world into a temporary upheaval. Those are the changes that somehow sideswipe me every time. It may be a control thing. Typically the changes that send me into a tizzy are the changes I can't really control. I have no say about how they are going to happen, when they are going to happen. Rather, they're dropped in my lap and I am left with 2 options... Option 1: Panic. Option 2: Trust.

When faced a couple weeks ago with a significant change that would be rolling out over a few weeks, I found myself panicking. I mean, I was totally freaking out. I sobbed for days. I couldn't see past what I was feeling at that very moment. And I can tell you that what I was feeling at that moment was as far away from trust as could be. The change that was coming seemed almost catastrophic to me, until I decided to stop panicking. I made the decision to go with Option B.

I needed to pull myself together and TRUST God. I needed to trust the people God has placed in my life to help me process the change. I needed to trust that God's plan was better than mine (ever notice this is a continuous battle for me?).

So, I began to look at the change differently. My perspective needed to change from "it's the end of the world" to "it's a new adventure". Although I am still sad about some of the changes that will be happening, I am now also able to see some of the amazing things that will come with the changes. I can now see that it's going to allow for new and different type relationships. It's going to allow for me to truly be the person God has called me to be.

I am always amazed at how shocked I am when big changes happen. You would think that I would be used to them. I mean, for the almost 10 years Kevin and I have been married, change has been around every corner. What also shocks me is how often I lose sight of how God has everything planned out and I don't need to worry about any of it.

We can't avoid changes. They happen. Often. What we CAN do is remember to keep our focus on Him. To change our "end of the world" perspective when necessary and see the amazing adventure that we are embarking on. Change helps us. It makes us trust Him. It helps us to grow and mature.

As much as I dislike surprise changes, I need to remember that there is no avoiding them. What I can do is not give myself 2 options... Rather, I can just TRUST from the get-go. It would certainly save me a lot of time and energy!

I Am Equipped

After the last week or so, I have come to a place of being utterly exhausted, both emotionally and physically. There is not a whole lot left to give... And so, I sit here writing during my quiet time (yay, Thursday mornings!) realizing at this very moment I don't have to give. I don't have to have any answers, plan any events, help any children. Rather, I can just be. I can be tired and worn out. I can be confused and unsure. And, with each sentence, I can find my way back to feeling at peace again, even if it is for a short amount of time.

As this week unfolded, there were no moments of peace. Only moments of overwhelming emotions, doubt, and a whole bucket-load of crankiness. Although some work things were crazy, and we had to put our 2 1/2 year old cat down, and the boys had a lot going on, and tons of other things happening, the crankiness and overwhelming emotions came from somewhere so much deeper. While talking with a friend, I came to realize that although things were extra stressful this week, it wasn't the stress that was exhausting me... It was the internal dialogue stuck on repeat telling me that I am not equipped to do all that was in front of me. It was the ugly voice reminding me that I have no idea what I am doing. The lizard brain constantly whispering that I am not enough: not enough for my family, for my job, and especially for the dreams/aspirations I have. The more tired I became, the less I could argue with the lizard brain. The less I could fight off the constant beat down.

I doubt myself often. I doubt that I can make an impact. I doubt my abilities in most things I do. I have come a long way from the crippling level of doubt I once had. But, it's still there... And the more tired I become, or the more focused I become on moving forward with goals and dreams, the more I am pushed into new experiences, the more the doubt creeps in. Slowly but surely, it leaves me feeling ill-equipped, inadequate. And this week, my doubt took a hold of me.

As I sat with my friend yesterday, she asked me to take a moment to just be. To just spend some time listening to the only voice that truly matters... To listen to what God has been wanting me to hear. And so I did... I sat in silence (which is never a comfortable place for me to be) and I listened. I pushed the ugly stuff aside and just waited on Him. What He pressed on my heart was a promise I needed to hear:
Trust ME. I've got this. You have everything you need. I have equipped you. Be YOU. You're ENOUGH.

I didn't hear His voice, but I felt His presence. And I knew it was true. I am equipped. I am enough. I can handle everything that needs to be handled, but more importantly, I have what I need to go forward with the bigger things. I don't have to have all the answers, as the answers I need to have will come. Who I am right now is who I need to be for this moment. Growth will continue to come, and as new things arrive, God will provide me with the right tools (or at least the right people to fill in the gaps).

I believe God has equipped me for the things He has laid out for me. I believe that even with the things I have never done before that I have what I need. I know there will be moments where I doubt, because I am human, but I will not sit in it long. There are too many amazing things coming to be stuck too long in my doubt. There's a book to be written, a wonderful ministry to pour into and share, 4 amazing boys to raise, and a daily life to live my husband. There's no time to be stuck in the terrible state of doubt.

Each one of us were made with God's plans in mind. He has crafted us in unique ways, and gives us talents and abilities to be used for HIS good. He didn't create us so that we would fail. He created us so that we could succeed. He gives us what we need so that we can grow in Him. He equips us, supports us, loves us so that we can live our lives for Him. We are all equipped for what stands in front of us. Even if we don't have the "right" words, the "right" tools, we DO have Him.