We all know how life gets a tad bit crazy and we start to feel like we're drowning... My drowning is different than yours... No worse, no better. Just different. The struggles I have are uniquely mine, as I tend to feed into the already existing struggles. Your struggles are no less, no more agonizing than mine. Although they're different, there are some things that are in all of our struggles. The feeling of loneliness, heartache, sadness, anger, confusion. And, most importantly, God. He's in it ALL. Every feeling, every emotion, every thought... He's there. He doesn't go anywhere.
And yet, when the struggles seem to lessen, when something turns around, we say something like, "God really showed up this time for me." "It's amazing how God showed up and made things better." I found myself saying that just this week and as soon as I said it, I realized how wrong I was.
I have been very open about the struggles I have been going through lately. Things have been hard and crazy and life had definitely gotten a hold of me. In the midst of the hard stuff, some amazing things happened. Friends poured out love and encouragement in ways I never would have expected! From prayers to Christmas money to tires to just a good ol' fashioned afternoon of conversation, Kevin and I have been blessed with amazing love and support the past couple weeks.
When I was sharing all the really neat things that were happening with a friend this week, I said something along the lines of how God had really showed up for us. How He had proven to us that He was there for us. As the words flowed out of my mouth, they were genuine. I really felt like God was there. He really had come through for us in ways we could have never imagined.
BUT, He didn't just "show up". The act of "showing up" would require the act of not being there before. You can't show up somewhere unless you had left (or never have been). And God, well, He never leaves. He is always there for us. While we're celebrating, He's there. While we're mourning, He's there. Even when we're throwing hissy fits, He's there. He NEVER left me during the past several weeks. He was still calling to me, still longing for me to ask HIM for help. He was still wanting me to trust Him and the things He could do.
So He didn't "show up"... It was more like "I finally got out of His way and let Him do His thing". And, when I did move out of His way and I accepted that I couldn't do it all, He shined in ways I didn't know were possible. When I let people know I was struggling and let those who love us in, I could finally see how He had always been there. He was always trying to reach me. I just didn't notice.
Our lives are filled with journeys that take us places we never thought possible. Sometimes, the places we go feel farther from God, and maybe even completely away from Him. But He never moves... He never leaves us... And so we don't have to wait for him to show up. We just have to get out of His way to see Him shine.
Tuesday, November 24, 2015
Tuesday, November 17, 2015
The Not So Comfortable Comfort Zone
Everybody who spends enough time with me knows how much I LOVE staying in my comfort zone. I am not one to try too many new things... And I am certainly not one to try anything that causes me great discomfort (and there's A LOT that causes me great discomfort!). When I say discomfort, I mean a sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach... An uneasy feeling that something could go wrong, like not doing well or someone not liking me...
I clearly defined my comfort zone and spent a good bit of time defending it. Oh, sure, I would tweak it a little, and stretch it some, but I kept my comfort zone in my control. My parameters felt good, my boundaries safe and sound.
But, I was missing out... on A LOT! I started to notice that I was wishing to do more, to be more. I started to feel God pushing harder for me to step outside of what I thought was comfortable. The more He pushed, the more I began to ache. The longing to try more, to stretch more became almost palpable. I was no longer content staying where I was, and yet was terrified to move. The battle between the aching and the fear wreaked havoc on me. I wanted to stay put, but God wanted more.
So, I gave in a little, still holding tightly to what little control I thought I had. I took the vision God had given me for our Special Needs Ministry, and I shared it with our leadership. To some, this might seem like a small thing. For me, this was HUGE. The comfortable me would have not gone through with the meetings, as that brought butterflies and even some fear. I didn't want to fail the team. What if they didn't see the vision? More importantly, what if they didn't share the vision? The doubts and fears rattled in my mind even days later. BUT, I had done it. And amazing things have come from me taking those steps outside of my comfort zone.
But it didn't end there... God wasn't done with me (and is still NOT done with me). I still had the belief that I had some control. Still held tightly to my now slightly bigger comfort zone. But the ache was still there. The quiet desires to stretch became louder and the fear fought harder. With the encouragement of my husband, I chose to stretch and put myself out there in the craft world. I actually sold some of my signs to strangers! That's right, I sold things I created to people I didn't know. (I am sure some of you are thinking that I am being silly. Some of you are probably wondering what the big deal is. Wish I could explain it to you, but I can't. Just know it was a big thing.)
As if that wasn't enough, even with the inner turmoil of my soul churning, I proceeded to agree to start a business selling my creations... My comfort zone has completely shattered from all of the stretching. There is no comfort zone to really speak of, because it got left somewhere far, far away!
Am I still scared? Sure. Am I nervous that everything will fall apart? Yep. Am I even more nervous about succeeding? You bet! But the funny thing is I'm okay with it. I'm okay with the nerves and maybe even the small amount of fear. Mostly because it's not as uncomfortable as I thought it would be.
You see, I am learning that the comfort zone I had created for myself wasn't as comfortable as I had made it out to be. And it certainly wasn't as rewarding... God doesn't call us to stay in our comfort zone. He calls us out into the great unknown (unknown to us, that is). That's where we learn to trust Him. That's where we find out more about ourselves. And, as a friend pointed out, that's where the "magic" happens. I wasn't really happy in my comfort zone. The boundaries and parameters I put up to keep me comfortable actually made me more uncomfortable. Because the aches from the battle between my comfort level and God's calling are far worse than the nervousness and fear I have felt outside of that zone.
I clearly defined my comfort zone and spent a good bit of time defending it. Oh, sure, I would tweak it a little, and stretch it some, but I kept my comfort zone in my control. My parameters felt good, my boundaries safe and sound.
But, I was missing out... on A LOT! I started to notice that I was wishing to do more, to be more. I started to feel God pushing harder for me to step outside of what I thought was comfortable. The more He pushed, the more I began to ache. The longing to try more, to stretch more became almost palpable. I was no longer content staying where I was, and yet was terrified to move. The battle between the aching and the fear wreaked havoc on me. I wanted to stay put, but God wanted more.
So, I gave in a little, still holding tightly to what little control I thought I had. I took the vision God had given me for our Special Needs Ministry, and I shared it with our leadership. To some, this might seem like a small thing. For me, this was HUGE. The comfortable me would have not gone through with the meetings, as that brought butterflies and even some fear. I didn't want to fail the team. What if they didn't see the vision? More importantly, what if they didn't share the vision? The doubts and fears rattled in my mind even days later. BUT, I had done it. And amazing things have come from me taking those steps outside of my comfort zone.
But it didn't end there... God wasn't done with me (and is still NOT done with me). I still had the belief that I had some control. Still held tightly to my now slightly bigger comfort zone. But the ache was still there. The quiet desires to stretch became louder and the fear fought harder. With the encouragement of my husband, I chose to stretch and put myself out there in the craft world. I actually sold some of my signs to strangers! That's right, I sold things I created to people I didn't know. (I am sure some of you are thinking that I am being silly. Some of you are probably wondering what the big deal is. Wish I could explain it to you, but I can't. Just know it was a big thing.)
As if that wasn't enough, even with the inner turmoil of my soul churning, I proceeded to agree to start a business selling my creations... My comfort zone has completely shattered from all of the stretching. There is no comfort zone to really speak of, because it got left somewhere far, far away!
Am I still scared? Sure. Am I nervous that everything will fall apart? Yep. Am I even more nervous about succeeding? You bet! But the funny thing is I'm okay with it. I'm okay with the nerves and maybe even the small amount of fear. Mostly because it's not as uncomfortable as I thought it would be.
You see, I am learning that the comfort zone I had created for myself wasn't as comfortable as I had made it out to be. And it certainly wasn't as rewarding... God doesn't call us to stay in our comfort zone. He calls us out into the great unknown (unknown to us, that is). That's where we learn to trust Him. That's where we find out more about ourselves. And, as a friend pointed out, that's where the "magic" happens. I wasn't really happy in my comfort zone. The boundaries and parameters I put up to keep me comfortable actually made me more uncomfortable. Because the aches from the battle between my comfort level and God's calling are far worse than the nervousness and fear I have felt outside of that zone.
Tuesday, November 10, 2015
The Good, the Bad, and the Downright Ugly
When I started this blog many moons ago, I promised I would be honest... And, honest I have been. I tend to be an open book. Sort of. In person, especially when just in passing, I typically keep my personal junk to myself. But when someone genuinely asks how things are going, I will open myself up. And here, in blogland, I really try hard to be open and honest and vulnerable. Not because I want something from you all, but because I want you all to know that I am just like everyone else. I struggle, I succeed, I pout and whine, I celebrate... I trust God, struggle to see God, feel near to Him, feel far from Him... The crazy insanity of life here on earth has the same effects on me as it does on any of you. And I hope that in my honesty you find a nugget of truth for yourself.
With all of that said, tonight I want to welcome you into my current state of mind. It's totally a mix of the good, the bad, and the downright ugly, which I have found is how life just is.
As I sit here typing, I feel a mix of things. At first I thought I felt empty... But I realized that wasn't quite it. Then I was thinking I felt numb. You know, the feeling you get when you can't seem to feel anything. But that wasn't it, either. The more I thought, the more I realized I felt OVERFULL. (It's like when you eat a phenomenal meal and you keep eating long after your body says you're full. You can't move, your stomach almost aches, and you wish you were wearing an elastic waistband.)
Minus the whole elastic waistband, that's how I feel... I feel like I can't move, can't think, can't feel. My stomach almost aches, my head almost hurts. SO much stuff is happening in my life right now, both good and bad, that it has caused me to feel overfull.
God has been doing amazing things in me these past several months (and years)! I have grown and matured and seen myself do things that only He could have orchestrated. I have stepped out of my comfort zone more times than I can count, and when I establish a new zone, He moves me past that, too. He has helped my family focus on Him and how He wants us to live for Him. Even in the junk, He has proven time and time again that HIS plan is way better than ours. The GOOD has been amazing!
In amongst the growth (or maybe the cause of the growth) have come some pretty bad moments. Between health issues for both Kevin and me, we have not exactly been the most pleasant of people to be around. We have not been able to pour into the boys (and other aspects of our lives) the way we would like. A surgery for me, unknowns for Kevin until he goes in for his appointment this month have added new levels of stress for us.
And if that wasn't enough, we find ourselves struggling financially. But NOT like before. We pay our bills on time. We have money for food (just not for anything fun like ice cream or eating out). We have been focused and disciplined. We set forth goals... But life keeps happening and goals get postponed. The struggles are typically more about the things we can't have that we want. The real struggles are the frustrations that come when always doing the "right" thing and making the "wise" choice, when all we want to do is skip making dinner one night and go out to eat. Or when we want to save up for Christmas and the mortgage company says we owe money because they underestimated our taxes.
As always, raising four young boys has had it's fill of junk. The overwhelming pressure I put on myself to raise them "right" has led to many a sleepless night and many moments of feeling like a failure. Am I really enough for them? Am I meeting Tyler's needs? Am I being patient enough with Patrick? How many times am I going to lose it with Zachary over stupid stuff? Did we make the right decision for Ben to stay home one more year? Do they know they're loved? It's all the stuff that all moms (and dads) concern themselves with. Sometimes I just let it consume me, which is NEVER a good thing!
This is life. This is what we all go through. The highs, the lows, the good, the bad. But I have to admit, these past couple weeks, it has all built up into something downright UGLY! The normal life junk has led me (and Kevin too) to feel very overfull. Beyond stuffed. I can see God in this, and yet I can't reach Him. I NEED Him, and yet I am so overfull that I can't find the words to ask for help. I sat this morning during prayer time at work and I couldn't form one single sentence of prayer. Not because I didn't want to, but because I couldn't. I couldn't let out the cries of my heart.
Hope is there, and yet feels so unattainable. I have friends and family, and yet feel absolutely alone. I sat in service on Sunday, listening to everyone else singing, sobbing because I was surrounded by hundreds of people and yet I somehow felt alone. I knew then, and know now that it wasn't true. I wasn't (and am not) alone. But that's how I felt, and kind of still do.
In my head and in my heart is quite ugly right now. It's the horrible feeling of feeling overfull. I can see the good and the amazing things God is doing. I can feel the overwhelming pressure of life. I can hear the giggles of four little boys settling in for the night. I can sense God asking me to let it all go right now. And, if I am going to move forward, I have to do just that.
As I am writing this, "Be still and know that I am God" keeps popping in my head. Maybe, just maybe I don't have to move right now. Maybe I don't have to say anything to Him right now. Maybe I just need to be... He knows...
With all of that said, tonight I want to welcome you into my current state of mind. It's totally a mix of the good, the bad, and the downright ugly, which I have found is how life just is.
As I sit here typing, I feel a mix of things. At first I thought I felt empty... But I realized that wasn't quite it. Then I was thinking I felt numb. You know, the feeling you get when you can't seem to feel anything. But that wasn't it, either. The more I thought, the more I realized I felt OVERFULL. (It's like when you eat a phenomenal meal and you keep eating long after your body says you're full. You can't move, your stomach almost aches, and you wish you were wearing an elastic waistband.)
Minus the whole elastic waistband, that's how I feel... I feel like I can't move, can't think, can't feel. My stomach almost aches, my head almost hurts. SO much stuff is happening in my life right now, both good and bad, that it has caused me to feel overfull.
God has been doing amazing things in me these past several months (and years)! I have grown and matured and seen myself do things that only He could have orchestrated. I have stepped out of my comfort zone more times than I can count, and when I establish a new zone, He moves me past that, too. He has helped my family focus on Him and how He wants us to live for Him. Even in the junk, He has proven time and time again that HIS plan is way better than ours. The GOOD has been amazing!
In amongst the growth (or maybe the cause of the growth) have come some pretty bad moments. Between health issues for both Kevin and me, we have not exactly been the most pleasant of people to be around. We have not been able to pour into the boys (and other aspects of our lives) the way we would like. A surgery for me, unknowns for Kevin until he goes in for his appointment this month have added new levels of stress for us.
And if that wasn't enough, we find ourselves struggling financially. But NOT like before. We pay our bills on time. We have money for food (just not for anything fun like ice cream or eating out). We have been focused and disciplined. We set forth goals... But life keeps happening and goals get postponed. The struggles are typically more about the things we can't have that we want. The real struggles are the frustrations that come when always doing the "right" thing and making the "wise" choice, when all we want to do is skip making dinner one night and go out to eat. Or when we want to save up for Christmas and the mortgage company says we owe money because they underestimated our taxes.
As always, raising four young boys has had it's fill of junk. The overwhelming pressure I put on myself to raise them "right" has led to many a sleepless night and many moments of feeling like a failure. Am I really enough for them? Am I meeting Tyler's needs? Am I being patient enough with Patrick? How many times am I going to lose it with Zachary over stupid stuff? Did we make the right decision for Ben to stay home one more year? Do they know they're loved? It's all the stuff that all moms (and dads) concern themselves with. Sometimes I just let it consume me, which is NEVER a good thing!
This is life. This is what we all go through. The highs, the lows, the good, the bad. But I have to admit, these past couple weeks, it has all built up into something downright UGLY! The normal life junk has led me (and Kevin too) to feel very overfull. Beyond stuffed. I can see God in this, and yet I can't reach Him. I NEED Him, and yet I am so overfull that I can't find the words to ask for help. I sat this morning during prayer time at work and I couldn't form one single sentence of prayer. Not because I didn't want to, but because I couldn't. I couldn't let out the cries of my heart.
Hope is there, and yet feels so unattainable. I have friends and family, and yet feel absolutely alone. I sat in service on Sunday, listening to everyone else singing, sobbing because I was surrounded by hundreds of people and yet I somehow felt alone. I knew then, and know now that it wasn't true. I wasn't (and am not) alone. But that's how I felt, and kind of still do.
In my head and in my heart is quite ugly right now. It's the horrible feeling of feeling overfull. I can see the good and the amazing things God is doing. I can feel the overwhelming pressure of life. I can hear the giggles of four little boys settling in for the night. I can sense God asking me to let it all go right now. And, if I am going to move forward, I have to do just that.
As I am writing this, "Be still and know that I am God" keeps popping in my head. Maybe, just maybe I don't have to move right now. Maybe I don't have to say anything to Him right now. Maybe I just need to be... He knows...
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