The topic of value and worth has been an almost constant thought and/or conversation for me over the last several weeks. Between conversations with friends and conversations with God, I am finding that as important as value and worth are, many of us struggle to see and feel what value we actually possess. Where we find our own worth is wrapped up in high and unattainable expectations of ourselves, causing us to fall short of truly seeing our worth. I think moms have the hardest time with this whole thing... I know I do!!!
What always gets me is the fact that I KNOW what God says about me, and yet I can't hold on to it very long. My thoughts, my doubts, my unattainable expectations mask all of the beautiful truths God has told me about who I am and how I was created. My struggles to please everybody gets in the way of the truth that I don't have to do anything to please my God. He's pleased with me just because I am me. My incessant need to help and serve and DO hinders my ability to see that I don't have to DO anything ever again and I still have value and worth in HIS eyes. Disappointing others, letting people down, not getting everything on my to-do list done constantly gets in the way of feeling like I have much value at all, even when I know it's not true...
My feelings tend to get in the way of a lot of things... I am a very deep feeler, and my feelings tend to guide my days. In some ways it's a really great thing. It makes me good at empathizing and certainly helps me love deeper. But it also has a very dark side. The deep feelings that I feel aren't easily persuaded to change. So what I know in my head to be true does not easily change what my heart feels.
And, to be honest, what I have been feeling is FAR from valuable. In fact, for much of the last few months, worthless would be how I would describe how I've been feeling. Complete and utter worthlessness... Doubt crept in a while ago about my abilities as a mom and wife and ministry director and business owner. Because of the number of plates I had spinning, I began to start messing up. It was always little things, like forgetting to call someone or not getting to the dishes, getting behind in the laundry and thick layers of dust settling on the furniture. At work I started forgetting children's names or who their parents were. To most people, it was just small little things that tend to happen when you have a lot going on.
But, to me, these little things had turned into a VERY BIG ball of doubts, which turned into feeling worthless. Things like, "Maybe they would be better off with a different person in this position" and "I'm not a good enough mom to the boys" began flooding my heart. And, the hardest question that I asked myself multiple times a day was, "What do I really have to offer?" I somehow had convinced myself that because I couldn't do EVERYTHING, that I had nothing to offer anymore.
While I was busy focusing on the things I wasn't doing well or wasn't doing at all, I lost sight of WHO I am. I am a daughter of God. I was created just as I am. He sees me not for what I do or don't do, but for BEING me. Just existing on this earth gives me worth, because God created me to be here. Everything else is just a bonus! Working in a challenging ministry to serve families who desperately need to experience God does NOT define my value, but it certainly adds to who I am. Being a mom to four beautiful boys and wife to a wonderful husband does not define my worth, but it certainly adds to the person God created in me.
My failures, my mistakes, my inability to accomplish everything on my to-do list does NOT change my value and worth. They are things to learn from, to shape, and to move on from. They are not things to hold on to and use to define who I am. God has already defined who I am. And the same is true for you. No matter what you feel you have failed at, no matter how many times you have lost your temper with your children or spouse, no matter how many spinning plates you have let drop, YOU ARE LOVED. YOU ARE SPECIAL. YOU WERE CREATED TO BE A CHILD OF GOD. An no amount of messing up will ever change that.
