Before anyone panics, WE ARE ALL FINE AND HEALTHY! The boys are amazing and doing a fantastic job in school. Kevin is still loving his job teaching and has been amazing being him. Those beautiful faces in the picture above are still proving to me how much God loves me EVERY SINGLE DAY.
It's not about them... it's about me. It's about the doubts and fears that have seemed to swarm me lately. My doubts as a mom, as a wife, as a friend, as a human in general. I have battled with questions of worth and value and the purpose God has for me. I have felt like a nobody, believing that I can easily be replaced in my job and in friendships. Every single thing I would do left me wondering if it was the right thing to do. Was it best for my family, for my job? Would someone else make a better decision? I have spent many hours pleading with God to show me His plan for me, to show me WHY I am where I am doing what I am doing... But, I couldn't hear him. I couldn't see what He was showing me.
You see, I have always had doubts. I think all humans have doubts. We see other people who we think are better, thinner, smarter, etc. and we believe that they have more to offer the world than we do. But, my doubts go further than just the whole "the grass is greener on the other side" mentality. My doubts make me question myself as a mom. It goes as far as thinking that the boys deserve a better mom. A smarter mom. A different mom. A mom I could never be.
I doubt myself as a daughter and as a sister. Am I attentive enough to my parents? Am I caring enough to my sister? In her time of grief, have I been supportive enough?
The doubt creeps into my friendships. Am I too clingy? Do I show enough concern? Am I fun enough? Would they miss me if we didn't see other for a long time?
The worst doubts for me lately have been surrounding my work at church. I run a Special Needs Ministry, where I spend hours every week focusing on ensuring that individuals and families affected by Special Needs feel God's love and are reminded that they all were made on purpose with a purpose. I work with an amazing team of people who love our ministry with all of their heart. I doubt if I should be leading the team. I doubt if I am good enough for the ministry, for the families, for the church. And yet, in all of the doubt, I KNOW God has called me to be where I am. Which then leaves me feeling like I am failing, because I don't feel like I am living up to what God (or the church) really wants of me.
I have to admit, it's embarrassing to share all of this. It's hard to think about the fact that many of you will be reading this and might be thinking, "Pull yourself together, lady!" Others might think less of me because I am not the confident person many think I am.
And, it's okay. Because, despite the doubts and fears and questions, I have continued to get up every morning. I have continued to fight hard to hear the truth. I have struggled to clear away the doubts and focus on what God says to all of this. I am slowly learning to embrace the fact that God truly wants me right where I am, doing what I am doing. And, I am learning to take the flaws (the MANY flaws) that I see in myself and let them go. I have truly worked on the flaws that needed to be fixed, and now I just need to embrace ME for ME.
I wish I could snap my fingers and make my doubts go away. I wish after ALL THESE YEARS that I didn't struggle so much with this. But, I do and it can't be fixed with the snap of my fingers or the click of my heels. All I can do is continue to fight the doubts and hold on to the truth. And remind myself daily that I, too, was created on purpose with a purpose.
