Christmas feels a little easier this year. Last year, we were all still shaken by the loss of my brother in law, and it was challenging to find the joy in the midst of events. This year, although we all still miss him, we have found a bit more joy and excitement for the season. I personally would be perfectly content if we just stayed in this moment for a few months... If we stay in December, I won't have to face the changes that are coming in January. But, no one has figured out how to stop time, so change is inevitable.
I am typically a fan of change in small doses. I like changing up the arrangement of furniture, or my hair style, or what foods to eat. But, as I get older, I am becoming less open to BIG life altering changes. The unknowns send me into a small tizzy and all I want is to keep things exactly as they are.
But, life isn't controllable like that. The tighter we hold on to what control we think we have, the more anxious we become. And so, as 2019 is rapidly approaching, I am trying to remain calm and remember that God's got this...
Back in November, after much prayer and discussion with my family, I chose to resign as the Director of our Special Needs ministry at our church. It wasn't an easy decision, but I felt God was saying it was time. I was confident that it was time to empower someone else to lead the ministry, to care for the families and ministry partners, and to pour into the children and teens that attend. I have offered to stay on until the right person was found to replace me so there is no "end date" just yet.
The decision to step down was hard, but I'm learning the next steps are even harder. I have worked at the church for 9 years. It is home to me. Even though I was in several different roles during my time there, ultimately my job was the same. Minister to families. Build up Ministry Partners. Grow the ministry. And now, I am stepping out into a world I haven't been in for a long time.
My goal is to sub at our boys' elementary school starting in January. The hours fit what I need, there's flexibility, and I get to work with some really cool people. When I was in college, I originally wanted to become a teacher, so here I am, almost, sort of becoming a teacher. But, I am scared!!! What if I'm not good at it? What if the kids don't respond well to me? What if I can't follow through with what the teachers want for the day? If find myself getting all in a tizzy about the unknowns, which then causes me to question things even more.
With the job change, we are also going to have budget changes, which we aren't exactly sure what that will look like just yet because I don't know exactly how much I'll make because I won't know exactly how many days I will work. We have been in a budgeting groove for several years now, and it's driving me crazy to not know EXACTLY what the numbers look like. I KNOW we will be perfectly fine, as we have worked hard to be financially stable, but the unknown details are driving me crazy!
In January, I will also be taking a year and a half long class on Spiritual Exercises through our church. Having seen my husband and friends go through this class, I know that I am in for a deep, long walk where I'll get to know both God and myself a whole lot better and deeper. My hope while on this journey is to find what God wants from me and what my next steps will be.
Change is coming. It's inevitable. And, for me (as well as many other people), change is uncomfortable. There's the excitement, but it's mixed with trepidation and out right fear sometimes. My January has more unknowns than knowns, and I can only trust in HIM to take each step. He knows what's next. He knows how He will use me. He knows how everything will work out. As I find myself feeling lost, as long as I stay focused on Him, I will find my way.
But, for now, I am going to focus on December and all of the excitement that comes with the Christmas season. I will sing the songs, bake the goodies, and celebrate with my family. For, the same God that knew how to save the whole world can certainly guide my steps in my little world.
Merry Christmas to you all! May you feel God's presence and love this season!!
