On the other hand, it is so hard to watch my babies spread their wings and soar. They are doing exactly what they should be doing... doing what Kevin and myself have been raising them to do. But with each step of independence, each celebration of a milestone, my mama heart has a small part that is sad. I miss the babies. I miss the way they would mix up words like "waterlemon" instead of "watermelon". I miss the sound of their little, squeaky voices, rather than the low, robust voice of my 13 year old. Their growing and maturing leaves a very bittersweet taste, and I am realizing that most growth seems to do that.
We have been focused on the topic of Growth at our church for the last several weeks, and so growth has been on the very forefront of my mind. I've been spending a lot of time thinking about my own growth and how the journey I have been on has brought an unbelievable amount of growth and maturity. The more I think about how I've grown, the more I realize how many times there were moments of that bittersweet taste...For every moment that God presented me with an opportunity to grow, there was a moment of letting something go. And, boy, did I love whatever He was asking me to let go of. Sometimes, He asked me to let go of something tangible, but more often it seems He asked me to let go of things like my control.
Almost 10 years ago, God asked me to TRUST Him and to say yes to working for our church. It was a pretty simple job, where all I had to do was edit and prepare lessons for our elementary school ministry. I let go (a little) of my fear and lack of confidence and said yes... Only a few months later, He asked me to trust Him more by presenting the Nursery Director job to me. And, again, I let go of a little more fear and said yes. With each yes I said, there was excitement and nerves and I still am not sure how the old me ever said yes.
Within just a few more months, I sat in the office of the then Senior Pastor expressing concerns for a very small ministry within our church. My plan: I let him know there was an issue and he finds someone to help them. The Senior Pastor's (and apparently God's) plan: I was the someone to help them. I didn't go in thinking I would be a part of the solution. I certainly didn't go in with the idea of helping our Special Needs Ministry. But, the Senior Pastor said so, and so I did.
Over the next 9 years, a lot happened, both personally and on the job. I stepped into many roles at the church, but never out of the role within the Special Needs Ministry. During that time, God kept placing in front of me new challenges, hard conversations, battles to be fought. There was nothing to do but to grow. As our ministry grew and became able::life, I needed to walk away from other things. Things I loved. As my boys grew and their needs changed, I had to give up things I didn't always want to give up. There were these sad moments mixed with pure excitement for what was coming next. Those bittersweet moments always found their way into my journey.
And here I am, almost a decade later, facing a very large bittersweet growth moment. God said it was time to step down from able::life. He has promised something new is on the horizon for me... Something I have yet to see or understand. But He has promised it's there. As I said my goodbyes this past Sunday, so many memories came flooding back. I could remember the first day I met each family. I could remember the trials and the joys and everything that God had done within the ministry as well as with the people looking in. It broke my heart to walk out the doors, and yet, there was an excitement bubbling up knowing that God has something waiting for me.
I don't know what He's going to do with me next, but I know that God will not waste the growth over this past decade. I am not the same person I was 10 years ago. I'm not even the same person I was 10 months ago. I will continue to grow, continue to seek His will, continue to let go even when it's hard. I will continue to sit in the bittersweet moments and see what God has done and what He will do.
