Squelching Fear

So, I have to admit that I live a life in a lot of fear... But I'm not afraid of things that most people are afraid of. I'm not afraid of heights, or small spaces, or germs. I'm not afraid of sharks (but then again, I have never been in a place where I would need to be afraid of them). I'm not afraid of snakes, unlike my husband. I do have a healthy fear of bees, but I feel that it's a reasonable fear, since, well, they sting and whatnot.

No, my fears are bigger. My fears are life-altering and have held me back from many things. They impact my daily life, and it's time I once and for all release them. The first step: admitting to what they are.  I am afraid of failing. I am afraid of succeeding. And, I am afraid of being "stuck" in maintenance mode.

When you look at my three biggest fears, it kind of explains the conundrum I am in. I'm afraid to fail, so I am super cautious to try anything I don't already know how to do. I am afraid to succeed, and so I constantly get in my own way to keep me from doing more. And, by not trying new things and by getting in my own way, I force myself to never truly move out of maintenance mode. Maintenance mode is not a place I like to be in. It's a vicious cycle of my life that I so desperately need to stop.

But, it's not that easy. The second step for me to release my fears is to know what I need to do with them. If I want to move past the fear of failing, I need to trust that even IF I fail, I will be okay. (And, well, we all know that failure is a part of life and that it WILL happen.) If I want to move past my fear of succeeding (and yes, I know it sounds a bit odd), I need to trust in the person that God created me to be, AND trust that God has got my back. If I want to relieve the fear of being "stuck" then I need to work on the other fears, which takes a whole lot of trust in God.

The answer to my fears (and to yours)... TRUST. Yep, one small five letter word is all I need to move from fear to a life of living. And yet, that one word is probably my biggest stumbling block. I struggle to trust who I am, my decisions, my ideas. I struggle to trust people. And the older I get, the more I realize the biggest trust issue I have is with God.

I trust God with the things I can see and predict. I trust him with my boys, my husband, my family. I believe in what He has done in my life and others' lives. I KNOW the amazing things He has taught me in my 34 years. I can see His hand in my life. But, somehow, I still struggle to trust Him with the things unknown in my life.

I struggle to trust in who He has made me. That struggle comes out in my lack of self-confidence and the constant conversations in my head that go against everything God says about me and my worth. My husband and friends and family remind me often of who I am and the things I have to offer this world. I try to hold on to that, but ultimately, it's a wasted effort because I end up internally disputing all they say. (Insert the many moments my husband and friends and family want to bang their heads against a wall or want to shake me.)

My fears can't be helped by my husband, my friends, or my family. My deep rooted fears can only be squelched by putting my TOTAL TRUST in God. To put every ounce of my being into believing in the person God has created me to be. To believe that my unique giftings and perspective were given to me to do good for Him. To trust that He knows what He's doing with me and through me.

It is time for me to not let my fear of failure run my life. I will fail. I will probably fail often. I will fail as a mom, a wife, a friend, a director. I will fail to remember important things. I will fail financially. BUT, I will survive each and every failure. I will take each failure and will get up, dust myself off, and try again.

It is time for me to stay out of my own way and to allow success to happen. I don't know what that success will look like. It could be the small desires of my heart, or even the large desires of my heart. But, success will happen. I just need to move out of God's way, and trust Him. (Of course, I will need to make a major shift in my daily conversations with myself.)

God is doing some amazing things and I want to be a part of it. And so, it is time that I no longer live in fear. I will still feel the fear (because unfortunately, I cannot snap my fingers and make it disappear), but I do not have to live in it. I have the choice to feel the fear and give it to God or to hold on to it. I have held on to my feelings of fear for too long. It is time to give it all to God.

So, watch out world. I am coming, and I will not run away. (Unless of course there's a swarm of bees... In which case, I'm gonna be running!)

In the Silence

First off, Happy New Year! It's crazy to think another year has past... It's even crazier to think another year is upon us.

It's been a while since I have last written. And I would love to say it's just because I have been very busy. BUT, honestly, it's because I've been running... Running away from the sweet moments with God that always come with writing. I have tried to avoid the deafening sounds of the silence that leaves me vulnerable and often times scared of what God will reveal to me. I haven't wanted to truly face the emotions and thoughts that have been filling my head and heart these past several months. The silence that is here in this moment feels more like an overwhelming flood than a peaceful wave.

BUT, it's time... It's time I face the silence, and all that comes with it. It's time for me to be real and vulnerable and frankly, UGLY. God's been calling me to this quiet time for weeks. He's been wanting to connect with me, but I have found every excuse in the book to avoid it. I have run out of excuses and energy.

A lot of different things have happened in the past months that have been painful to go through. There's been loss, hurt, a sense of betrayal, struggles with parenting, struggles with health, struggles to find my place and purpose... With each moment came a sense of defeat, a feeling that my heart couldn't take another blow. I was left longing to run to God's arms. For Him to wrap His arms around me like my earthly father does, and to hold me until all seemed right again. But I felt I couldn't run to Him. For some time, I wasn't sure I could fully trust Him. I see Him as a father, but no father would ever allow for their child to get hurt. And He did (or so I felt). He knew what was coming and gave me no warning. No head's up that my life was going to change, and that change would bring heartache.

A friend helped me to see that it wasn't that God allowed these things to happen to hurt me, but to help me grow. His plans, although painful to go through sometimes, are ultimately to make me who He wants me to be. But, I still sit here in the silence uncomfortable. Awkwardly aware that this quiet time brings out the best in me AND the worst in me. The growth I have made, the insight I have gained does very little to squash the hurt and anger and utter exhaustion that stirs in my heart.

I want nothing more than to bring God my best, and only my best. So I have avoided meeting with Him because I have very little "best" to bring Him. The act of avoidance has been exhausting, fighting off the many attempts God has made to reach me. But, He is getting through to me and He's using my 4 year old son to do it.

Benjamin LOVES to sing, and he has really taken to the song "Greater" by MercyMe (which I highly recommend you all listen to). And so, he sings it incessantly. He'll be playing with his brothers and will suddenly break out in song. He wakes up singing it and goes to sleep singing it. We have watched the music video more times than I can count. The song has become a nonstop musical number in my head. I never really listened to the words. But as he continued to sing it over and over and over again, I began to listen to what he was singing. (It's very hard to ignore a cute 4 year old singing!)

"Bring your doubts
And bring your fears
Bring your hurt
And bring your tears
There'll be no condemnation here
You are holy, righteous and redeemed"

I have been avoiding connecting with God because all I really had in my heart was doubt, and fear, and hurt. All very ugly things. And the song reminds me that God wants me to bring those things to Him. He won't condemn me or judge me. He just wants to hold me, and love me, and remind me that I am His. It's taken a 4 year old little boy singing to bring me back to this quiet time. To not be afraid to bring my ugliness into the silence. And to not be afraid of what the silence will bring for me.

We all have times in our lives where we long for God and yet push Him away at the same time. But I need to remember that no matter how much I push Him away, He is always trying to pull me closer. And He will use whatever is necessary to reach me (and you). Let Him reach you. Let Him pull you close and tell you that you are His and you are loved. It's worth the awkward (and sometimes painful) moments in silence.

Keeping this season SIMPLE

If you can believe, the holiday season is upon us... Thanksgiving is only a week away, and Christmas is not that far behind. So much excitement, so much joy... And, so much stress. This time of year can bring SO MUCH STRESS! Between obligations and over-the-top shopping, baking, hosting and party hopping, we all seem to need a vacation after Christmas.

I, in the past, have been quite stressed during the holiday season. I LOVE to bake. Like, I could spend days in the kitchen baking and never get tired of it. SO, when this season rolls around, I have tons of excuses to bake, whether it's for a party or gifts for teachers or just because Christmas cookies are yummy! I also love to throw a good dinner party. You know, where cloth napkins and real dishes are used (yep, no plastic plates for company!). The spread of food covers our countertops and we're left with leftovers for days.

But the over-the-top baking and big dinner parties bring a whole lot of extra work and stress. And the joy I find in doing all of that doesn't always outweigh the stress that comes with it. I have found myself so wrapped up in the hustle and bustle of list writing and shopping that I have completely missed the joy.

So, this year, I am scaling back a bit. Things are going to be different. I will still get to bake and have dinners, but no more over-the-top... No more trying to match "Good Housekeeping" cover photos. No more trying to cram so much activity into such a small amount of time.

The past few months have been very difficult for me, both physically and emotionally. I feel exhausted and vulnerable, which is not exactly the best way to start out the holiday season... But, this year, I think it might just be a good thing. I am being forced into truly focusing on what's important. The baking, although I do love to do it, is NOT the important thing... Cramming events into an already tight schedule is not what I should be doing this year, even though it means missing out on time spent with family and friends. No, what I need to focus on is keeping this season SIMPLE.

What would SIMPLE look like to you? For me and for my family, simple looks like more nights curled up on the couch reading books and watching corny Christmas movies. Simple looks like four monkeys and a mama rolling Snickerdoodle cookie balls in metal pie plates coated with cinnamon sugar like I did with my dad when I was little. It looks like saying NO to things we have said yes to in the past.

What would SIMPLE feel like to you? To me, simple would feel like peace... No anxiety about the mounds of things to do (because there will less to do), but just a sense of calmness and connectedness.

I want to spend this season having the time and energy to feel God's love and grace. I want the time and energy to truly be grateful for the life that God has given me. I want to use the time and energy I have to connect with my boys and Kevin and family in a way that honors God. And, the only way I can do that is by scaling back and keeping things simple.

Things will look and feel different for the Schussler household this holiday season. And, I am beyond excited to truly enjoy this time of year. I am excited to see the impact it will have on my family. I am praying for many "sweet moments of peace" for me and for my family this year. And, I think it might just happen! I pray you all can find those moments as well. Because, from what I have heard, those moments are AMAZING!

Change is a'comin...

CHANGE happens... OFTEN! And no, I don't mean quarters and dimes (however, that kind of change is nice). Our boys are constantly changing. Their baby features have all but disappeared. No more pudgy, squishy faces. Rather, my eight year old has a nice defined face, with young man features. Even Ben, our four year old, no longer looks like a toddler.

Their appetites change from week to week. Some weeks they eat like teenagers, where there is not enough food on the table to satisfy their growling stomachs. Other weeks, they eat like birds, and act as if they dislike everything (except for goodies. They seem to always like them).

Seasons change. Our bodies change (for the good or bad). I change the way our rooms look, moving furniture around for something different. TV shows change, as well as our preferences on what TV shows we should watch. And, in our house, our preferences change around the 4th season of a show.

There are countless changes throughout daily life that we take in stride. I love the kind of changes that keep me from getting bored. I embrace many changes as a fun adventure. But then there are those changes that send my world into a temporary upheaval. Those are the changes that somehow sideswipe me every time. It may be a control thing. Typically the changes that send me into a tizzy are the changes I can't really control. I have no say about how they are going to happen, when they are going to happen. Rather, they're dropped in my lap and I am left with 2 options... Option 1: Panic. Option 2: Trust.

When faced a couple weeks ago with a significant change that would be rolling out over a few weeks, I found myself panicking. I mean, I was totally freaking out. I sobbed for days. I couldn't see past what I was feeling at that very moment. And I can tell you that what I was feeling at that moment was as far away from trust as could be. The change that was coming seemed almost catastrophic to me, until I decided to stop panicking. I made the decision to go with Option B.

I needed to pull myself together and TRUST God. I needed to trust the people God has placed in my life to help me process the change. I needed to trust that God's plan was better than mine (ever notice this is a continuous battle for me?).

So, I began to look at the change differently. My perspective needed to change from "it's the end of the world" to "it's a new adventure". Although I am still sad about some of the changes that will be happening, I am now also able to see some of the amazing things that will come with the changes. I can now see that it's going to allow for new and different type relationships. It's going to allow for me to truly be the person God has called me to be.

I am always amazed at how shocked I am when big changes happen. You would think that I would be used to them. I mean, for the almost 10 years Kevin and I have been married, change has been around every corner. What also shocks me is how often I lose sight of how God has everything planned out and I don't need to worry about any of it.

We can't avoid changes. They happen. Often. What we CAN do is remember to keep our focus on Him. To change our "end of the world" perspective when necessary and see the amazing adventure that we are embarking on. Change helps us. It makes us trust Him. It helps us to grow and mature.

As much as I dislike surprise changes, I need to remember that there is no avoiding them. What I can do is not give myself 2 options... Rather, I can just TRUST from the get-go. It would certainly save me a lot of time and energy!

I Am Equipped

After the last week or so, I have come to a place of being utterly exhausted, both emotionally and physically. There is not a whole lot left to give... And so, I sit here writing during my quiet time (yay, Thursday mornings!) realizing at this very moment I don't have to give. I don't have to have any answers, plan any events, help any children. Rather, I can just be. I can be tired and worn out. I can be confused and unsure. And, with each sentence, I can find my way back to feeling at peace again, even if it is for a short amount of time.

As this week unfolded, there were no moments of peace. Only moments of overwhelming emotions, doubt, and a whole bucket-load of crankiness. Although some work things were crazy, and we had to put our 2 1/2 year old cat down, and the boys had a lot going on, and tons of other things happening, the crankiness and overwhelming emotions came from somewhere so much deeper. While talking with a friend, I came to realize that although things were extra stressful this week, it wasn't the stress that was exhausting me... It was the internal dialogue stuck on repeat telling me that I am not equipped to do all that was in front of me. It was the ugly voice reminding me that I have no idea what I am doing. The lizard brain constantly whispering that I am not enough: not enough for my family, for my job, and especially for the dreams/aspirations I have. The more tired I became, the less I could argue with the lizard brain. The less I could fight off the constant beat down.

I doubt myself often. I doubt that I can make an impact. I doubt my abilities in most things I do. I have come a long way from the crippling level of doubt I once had. But, it's still there... And the more tired I become, or the more focused I become on moving forward with goals and dreams, the more I am pushed into new experiences, the more the doubt creeps in. Slowly but surely, it leaves me feeling ill-equipped, inadequate. And this week, my doubt took a hold of me.

As I sat with my friend yesterday, she asked me to take a moment to just be. To just spend some time listening to the only voice that truly matters... To listen to what God has been wanting me to hear. And so I did... I sat in silence (which is never a comfortable place for me to be) and I listened. I pushed the ugly stuff aside and just waited on Him. What He pressed on my heart was a promise I needed to hear:
Trust ME. I've got this. You have everything you need. I have equipped you. Be YOU. You're ENOUGH.

I didn't hear His voice, but I felt His presence. And I knew it was true. I am equipped. I am enough. I can handle everything that needs to be handled, but more importantly, I have what I need to go forward with the bigger things. I don't have to have all the answers, as the answers I need to have will come. Who I am right now is who I need to be for this moment. Growth will continue to come, and as new things arrive, God will provide me with the right tools (or at least the right people to fill in the gaps).

I believe God has equipped me for the things He has laid out for me. I believe that even with the things I have never done before that I have what I need. I know there will be moments where I doubt, because I am human, but I will not sit in it long. There are too many amazing things coming to be stuck too long in my doubt. There's a book to be written, a wonderful ministry to pour into and share, 4 amazing boys to raise, and a daily life to live my husband. There's no time to be stuck in the terrible state of doubt.

Each one of us were made with God's plans in mind. He has crafted us in unique ways, and gives us talents and abilities to be used for HIS good. He didn't create us so that we would fail. He created us so that we could succeed. He gives us what we need so that we can grow in Him. He equips us, supports us, loves us so that we can live our lives for Him. We are all equipped for what stands in front of us. Even if we don't have the "right" words, the "right" tools, we DO have Him.

The Right Questions (for me) to Ask

There has been a lot of things going on in my life right now. Some things have been amazing (like Kevin following his dream, the boys starting school, work things). Some things have been overwhelming (like Kevin following his dream, the boys starting school, work things). Although there have been great things happening, overall, I have been left feeling like I am drowning in a sea of chaos and disappointment. The wonderful glimpses of God's blessings seem to be fewer and fewer (not because they aren't there, but because I just can't see them). It's gotten me thinking about what I am doing wrong... What am I doing to contribute to this?

Life is crazy. It always has been, and probably always will be. Some craziness I create myself. My need to control EVERYTHING plays a crucial part in the craziness. But right now, there is a lot happening that I did not create... The stresses of raising children can be extreme. Raising 4 boys can be intense. Raising 2 boys with special needs can be extremely intense. And just when you think you have it somewhat figured out, everything changes. Just when you think you are gaining ground, you watch one of them regress and you have no idea of how far back he's gonna go.

There's other home stuff, husband stuff, financial stuff (which is playing a very large role in the stress department), and health stuff... Everything has come together to create a "perfect storm", leading me to feel as if I am drowning. Too many things need my attention, and I honestly just don't have the energy to focus on anything. I find myself asking God "why?", and never really getting an answer. I ask "What are you thinking?", which typically involves a tone filled with sarcastic attitude (which doesn't ever seem to go over well with God). These questions get me absolutely nowhere. "Why's" may never be answered. "What's" with attitude and sarcasm (and a good bit of anger) serve no purpose.

SO, I am learning that I need to ask different questions. What would it look like if I changed my "why's" to "Where are You leading me"? What would happen if "What are you thinking?" changed to "How can I be more in tune with Your plan?"

Shifting my questions is not just about the wording... It's about my heart. The intention behind my questions is just as important as the words I use. My snippy, attitude filled questions are ALL about ME. MY pain, MY frustrations, what I want. My intentions are to make myself feel better or to understand why I am going through what I am. At no point are my questions truly intended to seek out God's will or to really grow in Him.

But, when I shift the intentions of my heart, when I desire to connect with God and want to know HIS will, my questions change. I find my questions are way more focused on Him...

"Where are you leading me?"
"Who is truly in control?"
"What can I do to connect more with You?"
"How are you using this to help me grow?"

I am learning to avoid asking "why" at all. It doesn't really get me anywhere, ever. I'd rather spend my time asking questions that will get me closer to Him. Closer to His will, His plans for me. Because, the closer I am to Him and the more intentional I am about following His plans, the less overwhelming life seems to feel. When I ask questions with the intention of growing (and not with the intention of just throwing a hissy fit), everything feels so much more manageable.

Don't get me wrong, changing my questions don't magically change my life circumstances. I still have 4 boys (all with their own needs), a husband, a house, a job, health issues, and all the junk that comes with life. But when my intentions on how to focus on the chaos and the challenges shift from a "why me" mentality to a "how are You leading me" mentality, the overwhelming sense of pressure and isolation minimize. No longer do I feel alone. No longer do I feel I have to figure everything out by myself.

There may never be answers to all of my questions. I might be left with a very long list of questions for Jesus the day I meet him in Heaven. And, I have to be okay with that. But here on earth, as I struggle through daily life, I want to try to ask the questions that get me closer to Him. And maybe spend less time throwing hissy fits and asking "why, why, why" while stomping my feet.

It's Complicated (or so I thought)

This week has been a hard, emotional week, filled with joys and sorrows, and everything in between. I have been up and down, and I think sometimes even sideways... I have laughed and cried and yelled and sat numb, unsure of what I was feeling. Everything felt complicated... The more I thought about things, the more complicated it seemed. But, as I stopped thinking and starting just feeling, things have begun to feel more clear...

On Friday night, my Nanny (my mom's mom) passed away. She was in her 90's, and had been ill for quite a while. She had been given days to live 3 weeks ago, and so we knew her time on earth was coming to an end. All the details had already been worked out, and hospice had been wonderful in keeping her comfortable.

I thought I knew how I would handle her death. I thought I was prepared for the emotions. I've helped support people in the grieving process. I thought knowing the stages of grief would be helpful for me.

Boy was I wrong... The more I thought about the process and the emotions I was feeling, the more confused I became. I would explain things as being complicated. And, in a way, things are complicated... The relationship with my Nanny was different and strained. Her stubborn ways left no room for God in her life. There are no warm and fuzzy memories of our time together. She didn't leave a beautiful legacy of a Godly life for us to follow...

Mourning her loss has been filled with emotions I wasn't expecting. Anger at her and the way she chose to live was the first emotion that overwhelmed me. Then guilt for being angry. And guilt for not trying harder to tell her about Jesus. Then more anger for how there were no warm fuzzy memories. Then sadness over her being gone, which quickly turned into me thinking about why I would be so sad over someone I wasn't really close to. It has been a non-stop whirlwind of emotions and rather than just sitting in those emotions, I analyzed the emotions. I would try to explain away the emotions. But, I am learning it's much easier to just feel whatever I feel no matter what.

I am finding that things aren't as complicated as I perceived them to be... I am mourning the loss of a woman I have loved my entire life. How she lived her life, when she chose to be stubborn, warm fuzzy feelings or not... That all doesn't matter... I still loved her. Our relationship wasn't like other grandmothers and granddaughters, but it was OUR relationship. She was still my grandmother.

She lived a full life, had two beautiful daughters, 5 grandchildren, and 4 great-grandchildren. She loved her family in her own way. She was created by God, even if she never followed Him. She was special to God, and I pray that in her last moments she saw Him and clung to Him.

I loved her. She was my grandmother. And I am giving myself permission to mourn her. No thinking, no analyzing, just feeling. Just sitting with God, my emotions and the peace that can only come from God. I will celebrate the creation God had made in Nanny. I will NOT lose sight of the fact that she is a life to celebrate, no matter what the past held.