Discouraged

I wish I had something extremely positive to write...  I wish my head was flooded with awesomeness, waiting to explode onto this page.  Instead, I feel discouraged and tired and just plain worn out. I had promised when I started this blog that I would be open and honest, because my journey is no different than anyone else's.  It is filled with highs and lows, and I strongly believe that sharing my lows may help someone just as much as sharing my highs.

Life with 4 boys and a husband (and a full time job, a house to keep, etc.) can be crazy at times.  The noise level alone in our house can drive some people to insanity!  The tornado effect that the boys have can be disheartening, when after I work so hard to clean, they demolish it within seconds.  Oh, and let's not even get started on the bickering that occurs!  It is amazing to me that they can fight over a car, even though there are 20 other cars (some that are the exact same car) sitting within 2 feet of them. 

There is no time, no room, and frankly, no energy to pursue any creative projects.  I have 2 projects waiting to be started that should have been finished 3 months ago.  There's a bedroom waiting to be transformed into an oasis for me...  A space where I can close the door and feel peace.  Too bad it requires work and time that I just can't find.

But, I have to tell you, that stuff is not what leaves me truly discouraged at this moment.  I feel discouraged because I feel my parenting isn't enough for my boys...  I feel like their sudden emotional mood swings and utter meltdowns are somehow my fault.  (I know in my head that's not the case.  But my heart is not so convinced.) I have no idea how to help a couple of my boys work through whatever they are going through, and I feel helpless.  I am the one who everyone turns to when they don't understand Ben.  I am the one who helps create a plan to keep Tyler on the right track.  I am the one who should know how to figure out Zachary. And right now, I have no answers. All I can do is trust God to provide the answers.  And, I have to tell you, when Ben is so upset he can barely breathe, waiting for God's answer can be tough!

Picture yourself in a small room with a teeny tiny door...  You are wearing the scratchiest, most uncomfortable outfit you can think of (think burlap).  You have 3 different heavy metal bands all playing at the same time.  Some random person keeps poking you. You have to go to the bathroom. And while all this is happening, your boss is trying to explain an extremely important project to you (one that could make or break your job). That is how it feels to be in Ben's shoes.  Or at least that's how I believe he feels.  There are moments when he can't stand being in his own skin.  He can't always understand the world around him. And to make things worse, what makes him feels better one moment can make him feel worse another.  Tantrums and crying and meltdowns are common place in our house.  Sharing and being nice can be tough for 4 young boys.  But when Ben truly melts down, it's not about the car or the sharing.  It's so about so much more. And there is NOTHING I can do for him.  He has to figure it out on his own.  He reaches the point of no return...

In those moments, I feel helpless. I feel that as a mom I am failing.  It is MY job to comfort my boys.  It is my job to know how to discipline them.  It is my job to know the difference between a normal tantrum and a "I don't want to be in my own skin" meltdown.  And yet, I know nothing.  It will take me days, if not weeks, to test run different theories on what's making Ben uncomfortable.  It will take a lot of trial and error to find ways to calm him.  (Which, by the way, will change by the time we figure it all out!)

I don't share this with you because I want you to feel bad for me.  I know God is with me and my family and I know He will take care of my boys.  Somewhere inside me I know that this too shall pass and as long as I cling to God, everything will be okay.

I share this with you because I am not the only mom who feels this way.  I know that there are so many moms of Special Needs kids (not to mention all other moms) who feel alone and lost...  Many of whom don't realize that we all have these thoughts and feelings.  I share because I don't want people to ever feel like they are the only ones who get discouraged, or scared, or frustrated.  I am honest (maybe sometimes too honest) about my journey because I know God can use my story somehow...