As many of you know, I am somewhat of a control freak... I tend to have my hands in everything, and would typically much prefer to do things myself. I have learned to let go of much of my need to control... Sort of. I am getting better at delegating. I can even handle people doing things in a much different way than I would (as long as the end result is what we were shooting for). And, I don't need to know ALL of the details. (I still like to have all the details... I just don't require them to survive!)
But, there's an area of control that I struggle daily to let go of. And that is when it comes to my boys. I want to protect them. I want to keep foul language out of their world. I want to know who they interact with and what they're talking about. I want to ensure that no one is hurting them.
I am in no way a "helicopter mom". I have relinquished much of my control to God when Patrick was born. But there are times when all I want to do is put my beautiful, sweet natured boys in a bubble and never let them out. Today is definitely one of those days...
This year, we noticed a significant change in Patrick's behavior. He's been forgetting things regularly, not being focused on his work at school, and struggling to stay focused at home. Other things have happened that has never happened with him before. (I promised Patrick I wouldn't share exactly what has happened. But, it's stuff 2nd graders don't typically have problems with.)
When we first started seeing the changes, we talked with him and his teacher. We created a list for him to remember his stuff (which didn't help because he would forget to look at the bright yellow list on his backpack). We asked for his seat to be changed at school. We did everything we could to help him get more focused. After more talking with the teacher, we learned that there's a kid on his bus that has been making Patrick give up his snack everyday. Although Patrick told me one time that that happened (and I told him that he didn't have to give his snack to anyone), he didn't tell us that it continued to happen for weeks.
It turns out that not only was this happening, the same kid was doing other mean things to Patrick. And of course, when one kid starts, others join in. When I heard about this, my heart broke for him. I was crushed to hear that our sweet Patrick was being messed with. But we had a plan... The teacher was going to talk with the principal to have Patrick's seat changed on the bus. Patrick seemed relieved when we told him he would have a new seat. I thought we were well on our way to fixing what was going on.
That is until today. After an incident at school, Kevin and I decided we needed to take Patrick to the doctors. Once there, the doctor asked Patrick a bunch of questions (while I was pacing outside the room). Turns out the boy on the bus is not the only one messing with Patrick. There were several things Patrick shared with the doctor that kids have done to him or have said this year that are very hurtful to him. We had no idea... He has never shared any of it with us. When asked why he didn't tell us, he said he didn't want to tattle. He didn't want to get his friends in trouble.
I so desperately wanted to scoop him up right then and there and never let him go. Thoughts of homeschooling flew through my head. I want so badly to protect him from all the negative stuff. But I can't do that. We weren't given this beautiful, smart, caring little boy to keep in a bubble his whole life. We were given him to teach him of God's love, so he can show others God's love. He was created to live life and to impact those around him.
My job as his parent is to help shape him and love him and walk life with him. It's to let go and trust God. I can't protect him from mean people. BUT, I can teach him to stand up for himself. I can teach him when someone is truly his friend and when they are not. I can teach him he is never alone and is always loved by the God who created him. And I can pray for him (and his brothers) without ceasing.
As much as my heart aches for him, and as hard as this journey is going to be, I can't control it. I can talk to his teacher and help him at home. I can give him advise and guidance. I can have his seat changed. But, ultimately, I don't have control of the external forces in his life. I have no choice but to let it go and give it all to God. Only He can have that kind of control. Patrick is HIS child, and He has great things planned for Patrick. And my job is to let God lead... Even when it's hard. (And it is!)
Friday, October 11, 2013
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
What if...
As a general rule, I have tried to stay clear of the "what if's" in life... What if I had studied harder? What if I had eaten less junk while pregnant? What if I had gone to a different school? What if I had blonde hair? I learned a long time ago that the "what if's" are more often than not just a way to get stuck in the past. A way to hang on to mistakes that we can't change. (I could give you a whole long list of my past "what if's".)
Sometimes, the "what if" can be about things that probably would NEVER happen. For instance, how many times have you asked your spouse or friend or family member, "What if you won the lottery? What would you do with the money?" I cannot tell you how many times my husband has thought about that. Oh, sure, it would be great to win the lottery. But it's not very helpful to our family to daydream about winning something we don't even play!
But, there's another kind of "what if" that I have noticed myself thinking about more and more... It comes from a different part of me. The part of me that wants to make a difference. The part of me that has been seeing my life, my role, my story in a very different light. These are thoughts that have been shaping me as a leader, as a mother, as a wife, and most importantly, as a child of God.
What if I stopped focusing on my to-do lists? What if I put aside the busyness and focused on the here and now? What if I were more present as a leader, a mother, a wife? What if I let go of my fear and wholly trusted God? What if my STORY wasn't the only story being told? (I know, sounds a bit obvious, since, well, there's a bazillion people on earth... But, I tend to get lost in my own story, and forget about all the stories around me!)
Maybe age has changed me, or maybe it's the amazing influences God has placed in my life, but the person shaping, life changing, story making "what if's" in my head have moved to a place of action. I no longer just THINK it... I DREAM it... I DO it. The "what if's" have turned from "wouldn't it be nice" to "how can I make that happen?"
I have let go of many of my to-do's. I no longer run at 90 mph ALL the time (maybe half the time now!). I have more "focused" time with my family, Ministry Partners, and friends. There's still some fear, but I am learning to not let it run me. And, I am way more in tune with the stories of those around me. The "what if's" have shaped my everyday interactions, including with God.
I LOVE talking about "what if's"... I love to ask "what would it look like if...". (Up until just a few months ago, those two previous statements would have NEVER come out of my mouth. Just sayin'!) It's a part of dreaming, growing, stretching... Something I am only beginning to really embrace. Something my mentor and boss is teaching me (or maybe reminding me how) to do.
What are your "what if's"? Do you find yourself stuck in the past "what if's"? Or maybe you're a dreamer and have "what if's" that could change the way you live life or serve others... Wherever you are in the "what if's", where is God leading you?
Sometimes, the "what if" can be about things that probably would NEVER happen. For instance, how many times have you asked your spouse or friend or family member, "What if you won the lottery? What would you do with the money?" I cannot tell you how many times my husband has thought about that. Oh, sure, it would be great to win the lottery. But it's not very helpful to our family to daydream about winning something we don't even play!
But, there's another kind of "what if" that I have noticed myself thinking about more and more... It comes from a different part of me. The part of me that wants to make a difference. The part of me that has been seeing my life, my role, my story in a very different light. These are thoughts that have been shaping me as a leader, as a mother, as a wife, and most importantly, as a child of God.
What if I stopped focusing on my to-do lists? What if I put aside the busyness and focused on the here and now? What if I were more present as a leader, a mother, a wife? What if I let go of my fear and wholly trusted God? What if my STORY wasn't the only story being told? (I know, sounds a bit obvious, since, well, there's a bazillion people on earth... But, I tend to get lost in my own story, and forget about all the stories around me!)
Maybe age has changed me, or maybe it's the amazing influences God has placed in my life, but the person shaping, life changing, story making "what if's" in my head have moved to a place of action. I no longer just THINK it... I DREAM it... I DO it. The "what if's" have turned from "wouldn't it be nice" to "how can I make that happen?"
I have let go of many of my to-do's. I no longer run at 90 mph ALL the time (maybe half the time now!). I have more "focused" time with my family, Ministry Partners, and friends. There's still some fear, but I am learning to not let it run me. And, I am way more in tune with the stories of those around me. The "what if's" have shaped my everyday interactions, including with God.
I LOVE talking about "what if's"... I love to ask "what would it look like if...". (Up until just a few months ago, those two previous statements would have NEVER come out of my mouth. Just sayin'!) It's a part of dreaming, growing, stretching... Something I am only beginning to really embrace. Something my mentor and boss is teaching me (or maybe reminding me how) to do.
What are your "what if's"? Do you find yourself stuck in the past "what if's"? Or maybe you're a dreamer and have "what if's" that could change the way you live life or serve others... Wherever you are in the "what if's", where is God leading you?
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