Thursday, March 6, 2014

A Kind Face Goes a Long Way


How many times have you been to the store and seen a child throwing a temper tantrum in the middle of the aisle or you’re at the park with your kids and see a child off on his own, talking to himself? I am sure you have been out in public many times and have seen a family with a child they can’t seem to get control of. Or maybe you’ve been at church and seen someone with significant physical disabilities walking through the halls.

I am confident that all of you have had multiple interactions with people and families affected by Special Needs. With the rise of Autism, ADHD, and Oppositional Defiance Disorder, it would be pretty hard to NOT run into someone affected by at least one of these disorders. Unless you live in a bubble, you can be sure that you have met with, talked to, walked by, looked at, or heard of someone with Special Needs.

With these interactions, we are given awesome opportunities to care, to help, to show God. But, with these interactions, our human-ness can show through, and sometimes it isn’t pretty. Our fear, our lack of knowledge can lead to our interactions being filled with judgment, and even the accusatory glare. (I admit, even with having two children with Special Needs, I have been known to give the accusatory glare to families who don’t seem to have control of their children.)  We don’t know what to say, or if we should say anything at all. We find ourselves avoiding the family altogether, sometimes turning around and going down a totally different aisle. We are even known to make side comments to our spouse while still being within ear shot of the family. (This has happened many times to my family while out and about running errands.)

What would it look like if we changed how we interacted with people and families, even ones we don’t know? How awesome would it be if we replaced the avoidance with a “hello” and a smile?

There are simple things we can do… For the child screaming at the grocery store, rather than jump to any conclusions about the parents’ parenting skills, remind yourself that SO MUCH MORE could be going on in that family. When you change your thoughts, your facial expressions will soften. And, as you walk by them to get your eggs, rather than a glaring, accusatory look, a smile shows. For the family, this is HUGE! For many families with Special Needs, the fact that their child is screaming is hard enough. Knowing that others are judging them only makes things worse. Seeing a kind face in amongst the chaos can make a difference.

If you see a family with a child throwing a temper tantrum, pitching items all over the place, rather than avoiding the aisle, continue about your business. As you walk by, help put back the items thrown about back. There’s no need to say anything… Again, just a kind face will go a long way.

Don’t be afraid to spark a conversation with a mom at the park. Her child may act differently from the “typical” child, but the mother’s desires for her child are the same as yours. She wants her child to grow and become who God has created him or her to be. She desires conversation with adults just as much (if not more) than any other mom. You can even introduce your child to the mom and to her child. Help make a connection. Be okay with the fact that her child may not want to play with your child. (For children on the Autism Spectrum especially, playing with peers is extremely awkward and uncomfortable.)

When you’re with your children, and they see someone with a disability, and they begin to ask questions, try not to squash their curiosity. The act of shushing them and avoiding the topic creates fear within your child. Not being allowed to talk about the disability causes them to think there’s something WRONG. Rather than shushing them and avoiding the topic, shape the conversation… Allow them to ask their questions in a respectful way. Help them to see that there’s nothing WRONG with the person. Rather, help them to see that God created everyone differently, but loves everyone the same. Help give them words of kindness and respect for the differences. The more we allow our children to ask their questions, the more they will understand and accept the differences. If we do not allow them to ask their questions, we can create feelings of fear in the unknown. (I plan on diving a little deeper into this soon!)

The families you interact with aren’t looking for grandiose gestures of kindness. They aren’t looking for you to fix their “problem” or to offer to take their child for the day. These families just long for someone to show them patience and understanding and kindness. They spend so much of their time out in public trying to protect themselves from the hurt and embarrassment that comes from judgmental glances and side comments. They just want to be able to go out and do what they need to do, just like everyone else.

As time goes on, we are going to continue to see an increase in children and families with Special Needs. We will see more families at the store, at the movies, at church. What would it look like if we gave them more positive interactions to look forward to? What if these families only had to worry about their child, rather than their child AND the judgment that comes from those around them? Imagine how amazing it would be for these families to see more smiles and kind faces than accusatory glances…

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