We weren't planning on having her so close to Patrick being born. But, God had a plan. And His plan included a new baby. As we moved from shock and fear to joy and excitement, we felt ready for a new addition. We had only a few months to enjoy the naming process and the room planning and all the other joyous stuff that happens when expecting a baby.
And then, just like that, March 27th came and she was gone. I can clearly remember driving back to my workplace from the doctors office not sure how I was going to get through the rest of the day. Kevin was meeting me at work so we could pick up Patrick. There was very little talking. Just planning. I was scheduled for surgery that evening. My parents were on their way from NJ. People needed to be notified.
As they prepped me for surgery, Kevin and I sat joking with the nurses. I couldn't let myself feel the loss. I couldn't let myself believe what was happening. It wasn't until I got in the car after surgery that the reality hit... There was no more baby. I sobbed all the way home, saying, "they took my baby." And, as I crawled into bed, I was convinced there would be no more tomorrow. There was no hope, no joy. Just a very broken, shattered, hurting Mama.
But, March 28th came. A new day had begun, and as I stepped out of bed, I knew tomorrow was here. And, there have been years of tomorrows... Years of March 27ths. The hurting is less, but the longing for her is the same. Time certainly hasn't completely healed this wound. But in this time, I have moved from the hurt and the anger to a place of peace and sometimes sadness.
I miss Sammy everyday. I find myself wondering about what she would have looked like or who she would have been like. I see little girls at work and think about how I would dress my daughter. When I am holding a baby girl and people comment on the strangeness of ME, a mother of four boys, holding a girl, I find myself wishing that I had held my baby girl.
There were days throughout these 10 years that I didn't think tomorrow would come. My heart was too broken to make it to the next day. BUT, the God who loves me, the God who brings peace that passes understanding, brought me through those days. I had the song "It Is Well" on repeat in my head when I had no words of my own to speak. Some days, this was all I could pray because I had gone so deep inside that I couldn't feel anything.
God got me through these last 10 years. He brought me to a place where I can remember my Sammy and the joy she brought us. He brought me to a place where I can feel sad, where I can miss her so terribly and yet find peace in knowing I will someday hold her in my arms. Although I still find myself grieving her loss, He has led me to a place where I am no longer shattered like I was for so many nights. In the darkest, longest nights that I thought I would never survive, He brought tomorrow.
I am grateful for the last 10 years of tomorrows. I am grateful for every March 27th... Because it is now a day not to dread, but a day to remember. Not so much to remember Sammy, as I remember her everyday. But to remember that in my deepest, most ugliest time, God still brought tomorrow.
It Is Well with My Soul
"When peace like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll
Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ hath regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.
My sin - oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul.
And Lord, haste the day when the faith shall be sight.
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul."
Horatio G. Spafford
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