Feeling Temporarily Out of Order

The school year has begun, and the boys are off on a wild adventure of learning, growing and discovering more about themselves. Kevin has begun his fourth year of teaching, embracing his dream career and all the amazing things that has come from it. And, I am sitting here in a silent house feeling something I wasn't expecting: loneliness. I was excited to have quiet, something I didn't experience much at all during the summer. But, now, the reality is this quiet is deafening to me...

Over the past few months, there has been a lot of change for me. Most of the change is good stuff, and yet my adjustment to the change has not been exactly smooth. Back in June, I officially stepped down from one of the two positions I held at the church. I no longer work as the childcare director, which allows me more time to focus on our Special Needs ministry, as well as participate in church classes and events. It was a much needed change for me, but the lack of juggling and the calmness of my work schedule surprisingly left me feeling out of sorts. I had been accustomed to chaos and craziness since I first started working for the church, as I had always held multiple roles. Now, I have one role. And I feel lost...

This school year brought change as well. For the very first time in my career as Mama, all four boys are in school ALL DAY. My little shopping buddy, Ben, has made his way to 1st grade, and I must do the grocery shopping and errands all by myself. I was SO looking forward to having the house to myself so I could truly get stuff done. I was SO looking forward to having quiet time and nap when I needed to. And design my schedule around how I want it, not around a mid-day bus schedule. All of these things are awesome, but the adjustment to it is apparently going to take some time. My role is changing at home. And I feel lost...

Our business is taking off. Who would've thought that we'd be running our own sign business? It has been fun, scary, and crazy all wrapped up into one! The chaos of starting a business has subsided, and we are in a good groove. We've worked out many of the kinks, and are now settled into a routine. Now it's time for future planning, dreaming, growth... And I feel lost...

I have struggled with physical exhaustion and weight gain and over all feeling crummy for the last 4-5 months. I have worked at eating better and working out, and I continued to gain. Lo and behold, all the effort was almost pointless because my thyroid meds were out of wack! It left me feeling defeated and frustrated. With the doctor's help, we've fixed the meds issue, and I can hopefully get back into a healthy swing of things. But at the moment, I feel lost...

The last several months have also brought sadness and heartache and immense pain to those I love. I have been unable to fix any of it. I have only been able to sit on the sidelines and support my friends, my family. My heart breaks. I am disappointed in humanity. I am angry over sickness. And I feel lost...

Sitting in my silent house is giving me a wonderful gift... the gift of connectedness with God. Which I NEED badly! It's giving me time to dig down deep and find myself again. To redefine what I want this stage of life to look like. To reimagine how to do day to day life again. It's giving me an opportunity to dream and to realign myself with God's plan for me.

BUT, in THIS moment, I feel temporarily out of order.

The good news is that "temporarily" means it will end. And "out of order" certainly is better than broken forever! I know that the place I am in currently will pass with time and effort. It can't be fixed without work and a repairman. Thankfully, God is pretty darn good repairman! I have a long way to go to be functioning the way I know I am designed to function and to find a place of flourishing.

This daily gift of quiet will lead me to finding myself again. To be less lost, more focused. Until then, my lost self will continue to take one step at a time and find the blessings in the midst of change.