Facing Depression Head On

This is going to be a very vulnerable and raw post... It's on a topic I have wanted to write about for a while, but could never muster up enough courage to do so. You see, I struggle with depression. Deep, painful depression that rears it's ugly head when I least expect it. It's something that has been a part of my life since I was quite young. Although it has been a part of me for most of my life, it has never been a part of me that I have wanted to share. I am embarrassed... I am afraid... And I am worried that the façade of strength that I put up will be shattered and people will only see weakness in me. But, I need to talk about it. I need for this to not be a taboo topic. I need to let others who might be feeling how I feel know they are not alone. Because right now, I feel alone.

When I was in Middle School, depression crept into my life, changing how I viewed life. Despite having a wonderful family that loved me, an upbringing in a great church, and a good life, I found myself feeling empty. Some days I couldn't describe what I was feeling because I wasn't sure I was feeling anything. It grew to a point where I wasn't sure life was worth living... But, my parents saw it and they took me to an amazing counselor. She taught me tools to help me move forward. She gave me words for the things I was feeling. Seeing her changed the trajectory of my life.

But, the depression didn't leave me forever. It came back, over and over again. Each time, taking a piece of me away with it. It came during tough times, like transitions in high school and college. It also came in great times that should have been celebrated. It came back whenever it felt like it, never giving me warning that it was coming.

As an adult, it feels harder to face the depression when it comes. I have built up this idea in my head that depression is my weakness, my kryptonite. I have never seen it that way in anybody else, but for me, my inability to push through and be strong leaves me feeling so terribly disappointed in myself. As the ebb and flow of depression hits, I find myself hiding from the rest of the world. I put on the strong, happy façade and wait alone for it to subside again. How can I explain to those around me that although my life is wonderful, I can't muster up the joy and excitement I should have? How do openly share the feelings of emptiness that I have without sounding ungrateful for what I have?

So, through the years, I have battled depression on my own, only letting my husband and maybe my parents see the struggle. But even then, I'm not sure I was ever fully honest. My silence came at a price... It has led me to feel isolated, misunderstood and alone. None of those feelings ever helps depression. It only feeds into it. God and I have spent hours together, with me pleading for him to fix me, to take this away from me.

Over the past several months, my depression came on full force. The small, nagging little moments of blah have turned into a deep, painful emptiness once again. Days turned into weeks. Weeks turned into months. The couch and I became one... I didn't sleep well. I ate all the things I shouldn't eat, and in large doses.

I would love to say that this time was situational, that some thing or things triggered it. But, when it hit, there was nothing different. I was living a great life with a loving husband, amazing boys, a good job and a business that was succeeding. No trauma, no real stress (besides normal day to day stuff), no big event. The depression came for no reason. As I left it there, unaddressed, it became bigger and bigger. It began to interfere with day to day life. My motivation was gone, and the once super productive me turned into a blob on the couch. I would do what had to be done, I would go where I had to go. I had no other options, but to keep doing what had to be done. My guys were depending on me.

What I didn't do right away was reach out... I didn't reach out to my closest friends. I didn't talk about what was going on. I was ashamed to say that I had succumbed to depression yet again. I was afraid someone would roll their eyes at me and say, "UGH! Again?" The reality is that NONE of that would have happened. Those closest to me would have wrapped their arms around me, prayed with me, and would have just loved on me. My fears, my perceptions were just that... MINE. I allowed myself to believe things that weren't true. I denied the people I love the most the opportunity to love me and support me when I needed them most.

I can tell you now that I am in the upswing of things... I started on medication to help me, as well as processing and talking with those who can help me. This morning I said to my husband that I am actually starting to feel like myself again. 

As I am beginning to feel more like myself, I am coming to the realization that my journey, even the ugly parts, should be shared. Partly for me, but partly for those who might feel as I do. Depression is ugly, mean, and down right dirty. It doesn't play fair. It's end goal is to diminish the people that we are for no reason but because it can. The only way to beat it, the only way to one-up it, is to be honest about it. We can't fight things we aren't willing to address. Others can't help us fight when they don't know.

It's hard, people. Really hard. The emptiness, the pain, the loneliness can all feel too hard to bear. But we serve a loving God who promises to always be there, even in the depths of despair. He provides us a loving community to support us, to love on us, and to speak the truth when we can no longer feel it. He also provides us professionals who can work through the junk in a way that family and friends cannot. He even provides the scientific break throughs that bring us medication to help when talking isn't enough.

We aren't alone in this... EVER.

Being Lost

It's been over a week since the last time I had any quiet time, and I have to tell you, this first moment of peace feels AMAZING! Over the last week and a half, our household was hit with the stomach bug. I was very blessed to not have gotten it, as well as our youngest son, but it was rough! Everyone seems to be recovered and I have finally put away our "bucket". The house has been cleaned, sanitized, and cleaned again. And, with the warm weather we are expecting today, I can even open up the windows to air out our house! It will be a glorious day!

As I sit here in the first quiet moment in a while, there are so many things I am thinking and feeling. My heart feels heavy today, my head jumbled. It was a tough week, but to be honest, it was a good distraction from the underlying stuff I've been processing over the last few months. It was nice to not be deep in the junk for a little while.

You see, I am lost... I don't know where I am going or what God wants me to be doing. And, I have been in that place for a few months now. I KNOW it was time for me to resign. But, I don't know what's next. I KNOW God has a plan for me. But, I don't know what it is. And it leaves me feeling lost. It's hard and painful and ugly. I had ideas in my head about what things would look like, how they would go, and I was wrong about it all! It has been harder than I ever could have imagined. But at the same time, I am learning it is needed.

I am learning that being lost is okay. A season of unknowns allows for a lot of growth and discovery, trust and faith. In the past two months, I have learned a lot about myself, things I wouldn't have learned without the hard, uncomfortable moments. And I am discovering that there is still more to learn before moving forward. A person cannot find their dreams unless they know who they are. Not just KNOW, but be comfortable and confident in who they are. That is yet to be me...

I really didn't know who I was, besides being a wife and mom. Even with that role, I never saw what others saw. I saw an extremely flawed Mama who half the time barely feels like we're all surviving. But, what my husband, my boys, and those around me saw (and still see) is a strong, caring, patient Mama who tries her hardest.

My perspective of myself in every role I have had left me feeling ill-equipped, not enough, flawed... I have always felt that pretty much anyone could do better than me. It's something I have struggled with for as long as can remember. But in this time of being lost, I am actually finding myself. I am digging deep and finding my way out of the junk I buried myself in. And I know that when I find myself, the next steps will be clearer.

It's a hard place to be right now... and yet, it has been an amazing time of discovery. There have been lots of tears, lots of heartache, and a good bit of anger. But there's also been wonderful "aha" moments, filled with truth and love. As I continue to be in this place of unknowns, there is a sense of HOPE that gives me the strength to keep pressing on.

I've had glimmers of what might be next. For the first time in a very long time, I've had ideas and dreams of what I might want to do. Some are small things, but one thing in particular is pretty big and it will require me to believe in myself. And so, I stay in this place. I dig. I fight. I cry. I cling to God with everything in me. None of this time will be wasted. A year, two years, 10 years from now, I want to look back and know that I did not waste this opportunity. I want to look back with gratitude for this time.

For now, I am lost. But it won't be forever. It never is. And when the next steps are shown to me, I will be confidently ready to take them. God knows what He is doing, even if I don't.