Being Lost

It's been over a week since the last time I had any quiet time, and I have to tell you, this first moment of peace feels AMAZING! Over the last week and a half, our household was hit with the stomach bug. I was very blessed to not have gotten it, as well as our youngest son, but it was rough! Everyone seems to be recovered and I have finally put away our "bucket". The house has been cleaned, sanitized, and cleaned again. And, with the warm weather we are expecting today, I can even open up the windows to air out our house! It will be a glorious day!

As I sit here in the first quiet moment in a while, there are so many things I am thinking and feeling. My heart feels heavy today, my head jumbled. It was a tough week, but to be honest, it was a good distraction from the underlying stuff I've been processing over the last few months. It was nice to not be deep in the junk for a little while.

You see, I am lost... I don't know where I am going or what God wants me to be doing. And, I have been in that place for a few months now. I KNOW it was time for me to resign. But, I don't know what's next. I KNOW God has a plan for me. But, I don't know what it is. And it leaves me feeling lost. It's hard and painful and ugly. I had ideas in my head about what things would look like, how they would go, and I was wrong about it all! It has been harder than I ever could have imagined. But at the same time, I am learning it is needed.

I am learning that being lost is okay. A season of unknowns allows for a lot of growth and discovery, trust and faith. In the past two months, I have learned a lot about myself, things I wouldn't have learned without the hard, uncomfortable moments. And I am discovering that there is still more to learn before moving forward. A person cannot find their dreams unless they know who they are. Not just KNOW, but be comfortable and confident in who they are. That is yet to be me...

I really didn't know who I was, besides being a wife and mom. Even with that role, I never saw what others saw. I saw an extremely flawed Mama who half the time barely feels like we're all surviving. But, what my husband, my boys, and those around me saw (and still see) is a strong, caring, patient Mama who tries her hardest.

My perspective of myself in every role I have had left me feeling ill-equipped, not enough, flawed... I have always felt that pretty much anyone could do better than me. It's something I have struggled with for as long as can remember. But in this time of being lost, I am actually finding myself. I am digging deep and finding my way out of the junk I buried myself in. And I know that when I find myself, the next steps will be clearer.

It's a hard place to be right now... and yet, it has been an amazing time of discovery. There have been lots of tears, lots of heartache, and a good bit of anger. But there's also been wonderful "aha" moments, filled with truth and love. As I continue to be in this place of unknowns, there is a sense of HOPE that gives me the strength to keep pressing on.

I've had glimmers of what might be next. For the first time in a very long time, I've had ideas and dreams of what I might want to do. Some are small things, but one thing in particular is pretty big and it will require me to believe in myself. And so, I stay in this place. I dig. I fight. I cry. I cling to God with everything in me. None of this time will be wasted. A year, two years, 10 years from now, I want to look back and know that I did not waste this opportunity. I want to look back with gratitude for this time.

For now, I am lost. But it won't be forever. It never is. And when the next steps are shown to me, I will be confidently ready to take them. God knows what He is doing, even if I don't.