There's been battles of wills, teenage angst, disappointments, and a sprinkling of some pretty neat things. We've had the highs of one son's team winning the Academic Bowl for 6th grade, our oldest making it into the Junior Honors Society, and good grades for another marking period for all four of them. But we also had to help our youngest process not getting into our Gifted Program (which his older brothers are all a part of), our oldest son's team not winning the Academic Bowl for 8th grade, and let's not forget the dislocated finger event. And it's all been within 2 weeks...
As I've been trying to steal some moments away, I've been trying to figure out what I think and feel about the past two weeks. And the main thing I feel is TIRED. I'm exhausted, both physically and mentally. It's hard on me when the boys get sick. Partly because I hate seeing them sick. But it's also because I am the person who must rearrange my life to take care of them. I am the one to cancel scheduled work days. I am the one who cleans up after them and does the insane amount of laundry.
I love the ability to stay home with them, but so much happens in my mind when things have to change. There was SO much internal guilt over having to cancel a work day... They were relying on me to come in and substitute and I had to cancel. I couldn't fulfill my responsibility. And then there was the guilt for being bothered that one son was sick and was causing me to rearrange my day. And then on top of all of that, there was guilt over the fact that I was mad at Kevin because he doesn't have to rearrange his life.
That guilt was brutal. And it took a lot of work to get past that. I wish I could say next time will be better, but I highly doubt it. It will be less. It has to be. But I don't think that guilt will ever go away completely. It kind of comes with the territory of being a mom.
The last two weeks got me thinking about how we interact with people... There were several people who had asked me how I was doing, how I was holding up. They asked because they care. But in those moments, I didn't answer truthfully. I would make light of things, make a joke, share a funny (but gross) story about the adventures of the stomach bug in a house of 6 people. But I couldn't tell them how I was REALLY doing. How I was feeling guilty and run down and so many other things. And it got me thinking about WHY I felt like I couldn't say what I was feeling.
I struggle to say "I'm not doing so great" to people. I struggle to show that I am struggling. Partly because I don't want to seem weak, but also because I know it's temporary. I don't want people worrying about me when I know it will pass. I don't want people to think I am stuck in a place of doom and gloom when I know it's just a moment. So I don't share.
But, what if I did? What IF I answered "I'm not okay. BUT, I will be." What if we all answered that way instead of the typical "I'm good."? I think we would feel less isolated and alone. I think we would be able to have better conversations with others. If someone said to me "I'm not okay. BUT, I will be", I would know to pray for them. Others would know to handle with care. Maybe it would deepen relationships...
So, here I am saying that I am not okay. But, I will be. Things are hard right now for a multitudinous of reasons... but it won't stay that way forever.
I've learned to let people help me. They ask because they care and it is nice to be able to share and let them in as it can give you fresh insight with what you are dealing. Sharing is caring as well as being cared for!
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