Well, we did it. We moved. We left our 200 year old farmhouse that we called home for 15 years and bought a beautiful 5 year old colonial house just 4 minutes away. The entire process, from preparing the old house to selling and buying to moving out and then in, has been a roller coaster of emotions! In the middle of settling in to the new house, we are also trying to prepare for a new school year for everyone. At the end of the day, when the busyness of the day is over, I am left feeling so many things I didn't expect...
Back in June as we prepared for selling our old house, I had posted about how sad I was to be leaving behind such an amazing house filled with so many memories. I thought the feelings would slowly pass as the excitement of the new house grew. But one week into living in our new house, I feel kind of homesick for the old house. The house that smelled like us. The house that made me feel like I was "home". It was familiar and we had made it our very own. I miss that house. I miss that "home" feeling. I miss sitting at the desk I built and seeing our "rent-a-dog" (the neighbor's chocolate lab) wandering around the yard. I miss the kitchen island, with the small knot in it that looked like a heart.
Don't get me wrong, we have a wonderful house now. The old house definitely had it's flaws! But after 15 years, it became a part of me. And my touch was in every room. Our new house is big and feels empty. I don't have that "home" feeling yet. I drive up to the house, and it still feels like someone else's house. It just brings me feelings of being overwhelmed, as our to-do list is quite long. I pray that changes. I pray over time it feels like our home.
It hasn't been an easy week or month or couple of months. The to-do list keeps getting longer. My excitement has dwindled and I often feel like I am drowning in boxes and school supplies and school schedules. I am grateful that our boys don't have to change schools because of our move. Benjamin got permission to stay at Red Mill, which is great for him. Zachary starts Middle School and will attend the same school as Tyler. And Patrick starts his freshman year of high school (okay, so that brings on a whole new level of emotions!). I cannot imagine what it would be like for everyone if we also had to completely change schools...
Although we're not having to change schools, so much is different. Our district made the hard decision to start the year off with distance learning. So, all four boys will be home doing a pretty typical school day. And the idea of that overwhelms me. Four different grades, four different personalities, four different rooms (to ensure they can do their online participation without interruptions). At the end of last year, it was much more simply structured, where there was more review of work, and less actual grading. This year we truly are doing school from home. Will I be enough support for the boys? How am I supposed to help Patrick with his classes should he need it? How do we manage the different schedules?
I miss what we had in the beginning of March. I miss the boys going to school (and I know they miss it even more). I miss working with the students and teachers at the Elementary School. So much has changed... and my heart aches for what was.
In the last several months, I have had to say goodbye to a lot of things I have loved deeply. Our old way of life, including work and school. Our old house. Our cat, Ruth. Our sanity. Some things can be replaced, some things will eventually go back to "normal". Some things will never be the same. But, through it all, I know that God is at the heart of all of it. The new house is an amazing gift from Him that even a year ago, we would have never thought we could ever get. I see the good. I see the amazing blessings in the midst of the hard stuff. But, in this moment, it doesn't feel good. It feels sad. I feel sad.
In a few months, I am confident that my feelings will shift. In a few months, the new house will have more of our personal touches. It will definitely smell more like us. And I won't have to remind myself to NOT turn right to head to the old house. I will miss our old house less. The boys will be in some kind of routine, and maybe, just maybe actually be back physically in school. Until then, I will hold on to the fact that God has given us very GOOD things, even if they don't currently feel so good.
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