Our household has been changing over the last couple years. We have moved from the crazy phase of baby/toddlerhood to the cute and inquisitive elementary and now into the attitudey "you don't know anything" pre-teen/teenage phase. Our youngest (THANKFULLY) is still the cute, inquisitive 10 year old, but let me tell you, the other three are definitely in the throws of the dreaded pre-teen/teenage phase! We are now in a place where we are praying that at least some of the stuff we taught them over their first decade or so STUCK, because they aren't hearing us now! It has become quite apparent that our influence is currently not the same as it used to be. And, even though I knew it was coming, it's way harder than I was expecting!
Our oldest son Patrick turned 14 back in July, and he has been our guinea pig since day one. Many of our parenting fails fell on him. And, they still do. We've never had a teenager before him. We've never dealt with the weird and awkward happenings of a teenage boy. Every "normal" developmental experience with him is new and scary and sometimes sad. He has struggled with school, not because it's hard, but because it's too easy. He's struggled with motivation. He's struggled with organization. All of these things made BIGGER because of the teenage-ness happening inside him. After years of trying to help him, I came to the realization I no longer had any helpful impact on him. I was just like the adults in any Charlie Brown cartoon... "Blah blah blah!" So, we reached out to his teachers, and magically, they were able to help him make adjustments which changed his trajectory. They didn't say anything new. NOTHING! It was everything I had been saying for years. BUT, it came from other people and suddenly sounded like sage, wise advice!
I could handle that. It was in the academic world. I think it's great that his teachers could work together to help him. I found it almost funny that years of me saying something sounded new and almost exciting when said by someone NOT me.
It wasn't so funny when the same kind of thing happened this weekend, only on a personal/spiritual level... While on our church's youth retreat, Patrick had an amazing, transformational moment. He was convicted by the preaching and reached out to the pastor and some leaders. The counsel they gave him, the prayers they prayed impacted Patrick and helped him mature as a Christian. They told him all the things I have been telling him for years, but he never really heard. He came home changed, not because of me, but because of them. And it made me sad. A huge moment in his young life wasn't impacted by the counsel of his mom, but by other people.
Intellectually, I knew this would happen. I knew as the boys grew and matured that my influence would be less and less, and the influence of those around them would grow. And yet it still made me sad. I sat with the sadness for a little while. I wanted to be able to mourn the loss of the little boy that Patrick no longer is. As I sat in my sadness for that short time, a new feeling began to replace the sadness. It was pride... I am so unbelievably proud of Patrick for reaching out to the people he trusts. I am proud of the young man he is becoming and of the fact he is seeking to overcome the struggles he's having.
There was also a level of gratitude for the pastor and the young leaders that counseled Patrick that night, and will continue to pour into him over the next few years. THEY are the tribe we have always wanted for our boys. They stepped up at the exact moment that Patrick needed them, when Kevin and I no longer can reach him like we used to. They will continue to disciple him, counsel him, and love on him. As a parent, it is so comforting to know that when our boys won't come to us, they have a tribe of people they can go to that we trust.
Parents: there will come a day (if it hasn't already) that your children will not see you quite in the same light as they did when they were five. You will not be their everything forever. Who do you want them to go to when they won't go to you? Who do you want in your tribe? It's hard to think about our children not being able to come to us, but it will happen... If you had to choose people instead of you, who would they be?
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