When Your Feelings Fail You...

The time is here... Christmas is just 3 days away... The singing, the gifts, the goodies, the food... Families get together. People give of themselves. It's a wonderful time to be on Earth. Or so some people feel... Others wish Christmas would come and go quickly so we all can get back to normal life. Some people don't FEEL like Christmas. And, honestly, I have been struggling with that "feeling".

I don't "feel" the wonderful Christmas feelings I usually feel. The almost bursting joy of years' past has been replaced with exhaustion and sadness and disappointment. Things have been a bit tough these past couple weeks. My surgery went quite well 3 weeks ago, but recovery has been slower than I would have liked. And now, my new medication (the one I was dreading) has been causing side effects that I am not a fan of. It's all only temporary, but it has definitely impacted my Christmas feelings.

I haven't been able to do a lot of the things that I always do leading up to Christmas. I was barely able to participate in decorating the house and the tree. Goodies have not really been made because I haven't had the energy. I have not gotten my full voice back, and so singing Christmas carols has not exactly been doable (and I LOVE singing Christmas carols!).

And, if those weren't enough changes, this is our first Christmas following the Financial Peace University plan... SO, there was a budget (a small one) that we followed. No big presents, no extra giving, no getting exactly what the boys wanted. It has totally been amazing to know nothing was put on credit cards, but it was definitely different, and a little disappointing.

So many things that used to be a part of our Christmas have changed, which greatly affected my mood... My feelings were causing me to be a person I didn't want to be. And then I realized, Christmas isn't about my feelings. The Christmas joy I should be experiencing has NOTHING to do with my feelings. How I feel doesn't change the fact that God loved us so much that He sent His Son to die for us. Not just that, but His Son would die to give us life beyond this world.

It got me thinking... Just like we as spouses need to act in love towards our spouse, even when we don't "FEEL" the love, we are to act in love and joy this season, even when we don't "FEEL" the love and joy. I think about God and how He must have felt when He watched the world He created turn against Him. I am confident He didn't "FEEL" like letting His only Son leave Him to save us. And yet, He acted in love and did just that. His frustration or anger or whatever else He might have been feeling were put aside and He saved those He was frustrated and angry and disappointed in. He didn't allow His feelings to get in the way...

Things are tough. My feelings are not in a good place. BUT, as HIS child, I am called to remember and to celebrate what He has done for me. This is a time for me to experience the joy that comes from knowing I am loved so deeply that He sent His Son to Earth knowing 33 years later His Son would have to die. The gift He gave me (and us) deserves to be celebrated, whether I feel like it or not.

It's not about the traditions that make me "feel" the Christmas spirit (although they have helped in the past). It's not about the people around me (although those people are wonderful to be around). It's about what God has done... I want to be able to celebrate His ultimate gift to us no matter what my situation is. I don't want my feelings to cause me to miss the WHOLE POINT of Christmas.

My feelings do not need to define my Christmas. God defined my Christmas over 2000 years ago. There will be years of experiencing great traditions. And as many of my friends are experiencing this Christmas, there will be years of experiencing great loss. Whether in loss or in gain, the core of Christmas remains the same. And the joy and love that comes with Christmas is there whether I "feel" it or not. Jesus was given to us to die for us to save us... My feelings cannot change what He has done.

"For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son that whosoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life." John 3:16

Fearing Not, Even Your Irrational Fears

There are certain things I try really hard NOT to do... I try really hard not to eat the boys' Lucky Charms cereal (which typically is an unsuccessful attempt).  I try really hard not to compare my mothering styles to other moms.  I try really hard not to focus too much on the news, the media, or other type stress-inducers. And my biggest, all time, "try not to do" is I try not to spend too much time "researching" things on the internet, especially when it pertains to medical stuff. It's just NOT wise for me to type in some question and read all of the gazillion answers. Only a tiny percentage of that stuff is actually accurate or actually pertains to what I am wondering.

But, in the past couple days, I have found myself doing just that. I went on the internet, typed in "post Total Thyroidectomy average medication dosage". (For those of you who don't know, I had my whole thyroid taken out last week). My initial goal was just figuring out roughly what the average dosage is for someone my size, so I could have an idea of where I would be ending up when the dust settles. What I got was an onslaught of information that has sent me in a tizzy...

You see, it takes a good bit of time to find the right dosage of meds for a person with no thyroid. Too much, you get cranky and your heart races and you lose weight faster than you should. (Okay, so the losing weight thing almost sounded nice) Too little medication, you face fatigue, joint pain, weight gain and other stuff totally not cool. It's a precious balance that takes time. What I found on the internet was people complaining of it taking years. YEARS, people! But, the answers and information from random strangers are not actually a good depiction of reality.

And yet, what I read on the internet has greatly affected how I feel about my future. I hate meds... I have never been good at taking meds. I am that horrible person who sometimes doesn't finish antibiotics (sometimes... More times than not I do finish them). I am really good at taking my allergy medicine now, after years of my eyes puffing up and becoming so raw it looks like I have been punched in the eyes. I take meds for aches and pains when necessary, but typically wait until it's really bad. And during cold and flu time, I have been known to take some "nighttime, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy-head, fever, so-you-can-rest" medicine, because who doesn't like getting rest even when your head feels like it's going to explode?!

This is different, though. This is forever. FOREVER. And if I don't take it, it will cause not cool things for my body. If I forget to refill my prescription, there will be consequences. If I don't take the meds exactly as prescribed, it makes a difference. Every morning at least an hour before I eat anything, I will be taking a pill... For the rest of my life. And that scares me. A LOT. Do I realize that might sound somewhat ridiculous? Yep. Maybe a tad-bit irrational? Yep. But, that's how I feel.

This medication has the potential of keeping me quite healthy. It also has the potential of bringing lots of curveballs as we find the right balance. And let's not forget how hormones, weight change, getting older, will all impact the lovely balance and create a need for a new balance. One tiny little pill has the potential to greatly impact day to day life. IF I let it...

Right now I am stuck in a place where I could easily let it send me down a rabbit hole of yucky-ness. I am afraid. I am more afraid about the silly little pills than I was going in for the surgery. The surgery was a once and done thing. I knew I had a couple weeks of recovery, but that's still short-term. This is for the rest of my life. But, I know something far better that will last past the rest of my life... God's peace and love.

We're told in Isaiah 41:10: "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

I grew up listening to this over and over in the form of a song. Family friends of ours made this into a song years ago and THIS is what has been playing in my head the past several days. At random times the song would just pop in my head. And as I sit here tonight, I now know why. God wants me to remember His promises to me.

I have God. I have His strength to hold me up right now. I can choose to be afraid, but I can also choose to accept what is and let God do with it as He sees fit. Is it scary stuff? To me it is. But He's got this. He has got my back. It's not that I have no reason to fear. It's that the fear I have can be given to Him.

So, my fears (whether they be irrational or not) may not sit with me tonight. They may not keep my thoughts for any longer. I have a BIG God who can deal with those fears while I live the life He has given me.

**As mentioned earlier, I have family friends who have done amazing things with music throughout the years. To hear some of Sue and Jeff Duffield's stuff, or just to learn a little more about them, you can go to their page at http://www.sueduffield.com/duffield_music. You will be blessed by not only their music but by Sue's humorous way she goes through life!**

When God Shows Up

We all know how life gets a tad bit crazy and we start to feel like we're drowning... My drowning is different than yours... No worse, no better. Just different. The struggles I have are uniquely mine, as I tend to feed into the already existing struggles. Your struggles are no less, no more agonizing than mine. Although they're different, there are some things that are in all of our struggles. The feeling of loneliness, heartache, sadness, anger, confusion. And, most importantly, God. He's in it ALL. Every feeling, every emotion, every thought... He's there. He doesn't go anywhere.

And yet, when the struggles seem to lessen, when something turns around, we say something like, "God really showed up this time for me." "It's amazing how God showed up and made things better." I found myself saying that just this week and as soon as I said it, I realized how wrong I was.

I have been very open about the struggles I have been going through lately. Things have been hard and crazy and life had definitely gotten a hold of me. In the midst of the hard stuff, some amazing things happened. Friends poured out love and encouragement in ways I never would have expected! From prayers to Christmas money to tires to just a good ol' fashioned afternoon of conversation, Kevin and I have been blessed with amazing love and support the past couple weeks.

When I was sharing all the really neat things that were happening with a friend this week, I said something along the lines of how God had really showed up for us. How He had proven to us that He was there for us. As the words flowed out of my mouth, they were genuine. I really felt like God was there. He really had come through for us in ways we could have never imagined.

BUT, He didn't just "show up". The act of "showing up" would require the act of not being there before. You can't show up somewhere unless you had left (or never have been). And God, well, He never leaves. He is always there for us. While we're celebrating, He's there. While we're mourning, He's there. Even when we're throwing hissy fits, He's there. He NEVER left me during the past several weeks. He was still calling to me, still longing for me to ask HIM for help. He was still wanting me to trust Him and the things He could do.

So He didn't "show up"... It was more like "I finally got out of His way and let Him do His thing". And, when I did move out of His way and I accepted that I couldn't do it all, He shined in ways I didn't know were possible. When I let people know I was struggling and let those who love us in, I could finally see how He had always been there. He was always trying to reach me. I just didn't notice.

Our lives are filled with journeys that take us places we never thought possible. Sometimes, the places we go feel farther from God, and maybe even completely away from Him. But He never moves... He never leaves us... And so we don't have to wait for him to show up. We just have to get out of His way to see Him shine.

The Not So Comfortable Comfort Zone

Everybody who spends enough time with me knows how much I LOVE staying in my comfort zone. I am not one to try too many new things... And I am certainly not one to try anything that causes me great discomfort (and there's A LOT that causes me great discomfort!). When I say discomfort, I mean a sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach... An uneasy feeling that something could go wrong, like not doing well or someone not liking me...

I clearly defined my comfort zone and spent a good bit of time defending it. Oh, sure, I would tweak it a little, and stretch it some, but I kept my comfort zone in my control. My parameters felt good, my boundaries safe and sound.

But, I was missing out... on A LOT! I started to notice that I was wishing to do more, to be more. I started to feel God pushing harder for me to step outside of what I thought was comfortable. The more He pushed, the more I began to ache. The longing to try more, to stretch more became almost palpable. I was no longer content staying where I was, and yet was terrified to move. The battle between the aching and the fear wreaked havoc on me. I wanted to stay put, but God wanted more.

So, I gave in a little, still holding tightly to what little control I thought I had. I took the vision God had given me for our Special Needs Ministry, and I shared it with our leadership. To some, this might seem like a small thing. For me, this was HUGE. The comfortable me would have not gone through with the meetings, as that brought butterflies and even some fear. I didn't want to fail the team. What if they didn't see the vision? More importantly, what if they didn't share the vision? The doubts and fears rattled in my mind even days later. BUT, I had done it. And amazing things have come from me taking those steps outside of my comfort zone.

But it didn't end there... God wasn't done with me (and is still NOT done with me). I still had the belief that I had some control. Still held tightly to my now slightly bigger comfort zone. But the ache was still there. The quiet desires to stretch became louder and the fear fought harder. With the encouragement of my husband, I chose to stretch and put myself out there in the craft world. I actually sold some of my signs to strangers! That's right, I sold things I created to people I didn't know. (I am sure some of you are thinking that I am being silly. Some of you are probably wondering what the big deal is. Wish I could explain it to you, but I can't. Just know it was a big thing.)

As if that wasn't enough, even with the inner turmoil of my soul churning, I proceeded to agree to start a business selling my creations... My comfort zone has completely shattered from all of the stretching. There is no comfort zone to really speak of, because it got left somewhere far, far away!

Am I still scared? Sure. Am I nervous that everything will fall apart? Yep. Am I even more nervous about succeeding? You bet! But the funny thing is I'm okay with it. I'm okay with the nerves and maybe even the small amount of fear. Mostly because it's not as uncomfortable as I thought it would be.

You see, I am learning that the comfort zone I had created for myself wasn't as comfortable as I had made it out to be. And it certainly wasn't as rewarding... God doesn't call us to stay in our comfort zone. He calls us out into the great unknown (unknown to us, that is). That's where we learn to trust Him. That's where we find out more about ourselves. And, as a friend pointed out, that's where the "magic" happens. I wasn't really happy in my comfort zone. The boundaries and parameters I put up to keep me comfortable actually made me more uncomfortable. Because the aches from the battle between my comfort level and God's calling are far worse than the nervousness and fear I have felt outside of that zone.

The Good, the Bad, and the Downright Ugly

When I started this blog many moons ago, I promised I would be honest... And, honest I have been. I tend to be an open book. Sort of. In person, especially when just in passing, I typically keep my personal junk to myself. But when someone genuinely asks how things are going, I will open myself up. And here, in blogland, I really try hard to be open and honest and vulnerable. Not because I want something from you all, but because I want you all to know that I am just like everyone else. I struggle, I succeed, I pout and whine, I celebrate... I trust God, struggle to see God, feel near to Him, feel far from Him... The crazy insanity of life here on earth has the same effects on me as it does on any of you. And I hope that in my honesty you find a nugget of truth for yourself.

With all of that said, tonight I want to welcome you into my current state of mind. It's totally a mix of the good, the bad, and the downright ugly, which I have found is how life just is.

As I sit here typing, I feel a mix of things. At first I thought I felt empty... But I realized that wasn't quite it. Then I was thinking I felt numb. You know, the feeling you get when you can't seem to feel anything. But that wasn't it, either. The more I thought, the more I realized I felt OVERFULL. (It's like when you eat a phenomenal meal and you keep eating long after your body says you're full. You can't move, your stomach almost aches, and you wish you were wearing an elastic waistband.)

Minus the whole elastic waistband, that's how I feel... I feel like I can't move, can't think, can't feel. My stomach almost aches, my head almost hurts. SO much stuff is happening in my life right now, both good and bad, that it has caused me to feel overfull.

God has been doing amazing things in me these past several months (and years)! I have grown and matured and seen myself do things that only He could have orchestrated. I have stepped out of my comfort zone more times than I can count, and when I establish a new zone, He moves me past that, too. He has helped my family focus on Him and how He wants us to live for Him. Even in the junk, He has proven time and time again that HIS plan is way better than ours. The GOOD has been amazing!

In amongst the growth (or maybe the cause of the growth) have come some pretty bad moments. Between health issues for both Kevin and me, we have not exactly been the most pleasant of people to be around. We have not been able to pour into the boys (and other aspects of our lives) the way we would like. A surgery for me, unknowns for Kevin until he goes in for his appointment this month have added new levels of stress for us.

And if that wasn't enough, we find ourselves struggling financially. But NOT like before. We pay our bills on time. We have money for food (just not for anything fun like ice cream or eating out). We have been focused and disciplined. We set forth goals... But life keeps happening and goals get postponed. The struggles are typically more about the things we can't have that we want. The real struggles are the frustrations that come when always doing the "right" thing and making the "wise" choice, when all we want to do is skip making dinner one night and go out to eat. Or when we want to save up for Christmas and the mortgage company says we owe money because they underestimated our taxes.

As always, raising four young boys has had it's fill of junk. The overwhelming pressure I put on myself to raise them "right" has led to many a sleepless night and many moments of feeling like a failure. Am I really enough for them? Am I meeting Tyler's needs? Am I being patient enough with Patrick? How many times am I going to lose it with Zachary over stupid stuff? Did we make the right decision for Ben to stay home one more year? Do they know they're loved? It's all the stuff that all moms (and dads) concern themselves with. Sometimes I just let it consume me, which is NEVER a good thing!

This is life. This is what we all go through. The highs, the lows, the good, the bad. But I have to admit, these past couple weeks, it has all built up into something downright UGLY! The normal life junk has led me (and Kevin too) to feel very overfull. Beyond stuffed. I can see God in this, and yet I can't reach Him. I NEED Him, and yet I am so overfull that I can't find the words to ask for help. I sat this morning during prayer time at work and I couldn't form one single sentence of prayer. Not because I didn't want to, but because I couldn't. I couldn't let out the cries of my heart.

Hope is there, and yet feels so unattainable. I have friends and family, and yet feel absolutely alone. I sat in service on Sunday, listening to everyone else singing, sobbing because I was surrounded by hundreds of people and yet I somehow felt alone. I knew then, and know now that it wasn't true. I wasn't (and am not) alone. But that's how I felt, and kind of still do.

In my head and in my heart is quite ugly right now. It's the horrible feeling of feeling overfull. I can see the good and the amazing things God is doing. I can feel the overwhelming pressure of life. I can hear the giggles of four little boys settling in for the night. I can sense God asking me to let it all go right now. And, if I am going to move forward, I have to do just that.

As I am writing this, "Be still and know that I am God" keeps popping in my head. Maybe, just maybe I don't have to move right now. Maybe I don't have to say anything to Him right now. Maybe I just need to be... He knows...

If The Devil Had His Way...

Wow, where has the time gone? Somehow it is now nearing the end of October! Thanksgiving and Christmas are rapidly approaching, and I somehow still feel left in August. So much has happened these past few months! God has been doing some truly AWESOME things in my personal life and in the life of able::life (our special needs ministry at church).

Somewhere along the journey of working for our church, God had called me to lead our special needs ministry. I had no idea what I was doing, but I knew God was wanting me there. It's taken 4 1/2 years, but God helped me to find my voice and more importantly my confidence to lead this ministry onto it's next steps. But here's the thing, it's taken 4 1/2 years... Not because it wasn't possible, but because I allowed the devil to have his way. I let fear and doubt interfere with what God was saying, which slowed everything down.

As so many awesome things are happening in the ministry, I have been thrown a curve ball. My health, which hasn't been the most spectacular this past year or so, has been interfering with daily life in significant ways. Some great doctors have helped work out most of the issues, but there's still one more thing left to deal with. I am scheduled to have surgery to remove my thyroid in 6 weeks, which should relieve the last nagging issues. Just as everything was falling into place, I find myself scared and unprepared. Fear has crept in and has definitely been overshadowing the many great things in my life. At times the fear and doubt consume my thoughts.

And, honestly, the same rings true at home. The boys have been doing amazing at school. They are growing into some amazing young men and I can see God's fingerprints in each of them. Their kindness towards others, their passion for life and even their spiritedness (or stubbornness in some) all show me that God has given us some amazing boys. I sit back and enjoy the laughter and silliness, and sometimes even the grossness four young boys brings. But I also fret over things that frankly I can't control. I spend so much time worrying and planning, hoping somehow that will keep my boys safe and help them succeed. I find myself doubting my abilities as a mom, leaving me in a place where I feel helpless.

And, if the devil had his way, I would remain paralyzed by the fear and doubt. If the devil had his way right now, I would probably curl up in a ball and never reach for the very things I was created for. But, thankfully, the devil doesn't get his way. Not when there's a God who is so much bigger than him. And certainly not when God has big plans (which He has for each of us)!

Of course the devil wants his way... He's terrified of what will happen when we follow God's lead. He is petrified of each of us fully becoming who God has created us to be. And so he finds ways to mess with us. He finds ways to crush our excitement, our joy. He keeps us focused on the fear, the doubt, and the junk in our life to ensure we can't see the amazing things happening in front of us.

I am so grateful that although the devil tries hard to skew what I think and feel, I hold onto the truth that God is so much bigger. I get distracted by fear, but only temporarily. The junk overshadows the amazing things God is doing, but not for long. Not because I have superpowers or because I am strong. It's because I KNOW God has a better plan than what the devil has planned, and God can squish the doubt and fear (and the devil).

I remind myself often that if the devil had his way, I would have never married Kevin. I would have remained stuck in a bad relationship that did NOT honor God. If the devil had his way, I would have never stepped foot into the able::life room that one Christmas Eve. And, if the devil had his way, God and I wouldn't have a relationship at all. BUT, the devil doesn't get his way. He doesn't win... He can't win... God has way too many plans for me (and you) to allow the devil to win.

To MY Mom, with Love

Well, it's Mother's Day, and I have to say, I am forever grateful to be privileged to celebrate today with my four boys and husband. Although the journey of being their Mama is not always easy, it is definitely a journey filled with joy! I have learned a lot about myself and about God through mothering them. But, there's someone else who I have learned so much from, and I thought it might be fitting to spend the next few paragraphs introducing you all to her...

 

 

35 years ago, God mapped out a plan for me that so intimately and delicately intertwined with my mom. He knew what type of mom I would need to grow and to mature and to succeed. He knew I would need a strong-willed, but patient woman to go up against my even stronger and less patient will. He knew I would need a mom who could teach me how to love my future husband, and how much forgiveness is an integral part of life. He knew I would need someone to shape me, to love me, and to eventually let me go and live life grounded in Him. There was no doubt in His mind that the best mom for me was MY mom.

 

Things, of course, haven't always been easy and not always pretty. Me being the opinionated, strong-willed daughter made for some good ol' conflict. Clothes shopping always brought out the worst in both of us when I was little. My tom-boy self would NOT be caught dead in a fru fru dress... Black, grey and blue were my favorite colors, so if it looked girlish, it wasn't going on my body! Some of that fear of fru fru still exists, but I have certainly expanded my wardrobe!

 

There were hard times like convincing my parents to let me live in NM my junior year of high school, which I didn't understand then, but now realize how much that had to have hurt them. (That's a LONG story for another time...) There was the refusal to go to Senior Prom, which I am sure my mom missed all the fun of prepping for that. There was even the refusal to walk in my own graduation, which my mom won that battle (but I was NOT happy about it). And there were those long conversations during my freshman year of college, when we discussed me possibly not returning to college in the fall.

 

I have so many wonderful memories that flood to mind when I think about my mom... I can remember her big, fluffy red robe she wore when I was just a little girl, and how it felt to be hugged by her in that robe. I can remember her trying to shield my sister and me from birds that were flying around the inside of our house as we ran to a bedroom. I remember coloring a lot together. I remember nights when she and I would lay in her bed watching silly shows, cuddling and laughing. There were nights of LONG talks, that I am sure seemed even longer to her. So many memories, so much fun!

 

My mom has amazed me at all the things she has accomplished, all of the things she put her mind to and did. She worked fulltime at the same company for 30 some years. Even though she hated driving the commute, and lots of changes happened within the company, she stayed loyal to the company and respectful to those she worked for and with. I didn't know what I was watching growing up, but as a woman in the work field now, I can totally see how important that was.

 

She went to college part time throughout a good part of my childhood. She worked, went to class, did homework, and still found time to be there when we needed her. She never missed a concert... Never missed the important stuff...

 

My mom loves God, trusts God, and serves God with an open heart. She has shown me, as well as my sister, how important God is in our lives. She ensured that we grew up knowing Him. She has always been a wonderful model of a God-fearing woman and wife.

 

I think what amazes me the most about my mom is that although she never had the love, the support, the connectedness with her mom, she somehow knew how to mother my sister and me. She didn't have the Godly example that she so lovingly has shown to us. She strived to give us the relationship she didn't have with her mom, and let me tell you succeeded. And, even though she didn't have that kind of relationship with her mom, she ALWAYS showed her mom love and respect. That says a lot about my mom all on it's own!

 

34 years ago, God gave me a mother that was just right for me, and a grandmother just right for my boys. As an adult, He has give me a best friend in her, and I am forever grateful for that friendship. I know it has NOT been easy to raise this strong-willed, impatient girl, but my mom has done it with love and grace. I would not be who I am today if it weren't for her.

 

Happy Mother's Day, Mom! I love you!

 

And Happy Mother's Day to all those out there reading this... May God bless you and those you "mother", even if they aren't your actual children!