When God Shows Up

We all know how life gets a tad bit crazy and we start to feel like we're drowning... My drowning is different than yours... No worse, no better. Just different. The struggles I have are uniquely mine, as I tend to feed into the already existing struggles. Your struggles are no less, no more agonizing than mine. Although they're different, there are some things that are in all of our struggles. The feeling of loneliness, heartache, sadness, anger, confusion. And, most importantly, God. He's in it ALL. Every feeling, every emotion, every thought... He's there. He doesn't go anywhere.

And yet, when the struggles seem to lessen, when something turns around, we say something like, "God really showed up this time for me." "It's amazing how God showed up and made things better." I found myself saying that just this week and as soon as I said it, I realized how wrong I was.

I have been very open about the struggles I have been going through lately. Things have been hard and crazy and life had definitely gotten a hold of me. In the midst of the hard stuff, some amazing things happened. Friends poured out love and encouragement in ways I never would have expected! From prayers to Christmas money to tires to just a good ol' fashioned afternoon of conversation, Kevin and I have been blessed with amazing love and support the past couple weeks.

When I was sharing all the really neat things that were happening with a friend this week, I said something along the lines of how God had really showed up for us. How He had proven to us that He was there for us. As the words flowed out of my mouth, they were genuine. I really felt like God was there. He really had come through for us in ways we could have never imagined.

BUT, He didn't just "show up". The act of "showing up" would require the act of not being there before. You can't show up somewhere unless you had left (or never have been). And God, well, He never leaves. He is always there for us. While we're celebrating, He's there. While we're mourning, He's there. Even when we're throwing hissy fits, He's there. He NEVER left me during the past several weeks. He was still calling to me, still longing for me to ask HIM for help. He was still wanting me to trust Him and the things He could do.

So He didn't "show up"... It was more like "I finally got out of His way and let Him do His thing". And, when I did move out of His way and I accepted that I couldn't do it all, He shined in ways I didn't know were possible. When I let people know I was struggling and let those who love us in, I could finally see how He had always been there. He was always trying to reach me. I just didn't notice.

Our lives are filled with journeys that take us places we never thought possible. Sometimes, the places we go feel farther from God, and maybe even completely away from Him. But He never moves... He never leaves us... And so we don't have to wait for him to show up. We just have to get out of His way to see Him shine.

The Not So Comfortable Comfort Zone

Everybody who spends enough time with me knows how much I LOVE staying in my comfort zone. I am not one to try too many new things... And I am certainly not one to try anything that causes me great discomfort (and there's A LOT that causes me great discomfort!). When I say discomfort, I mean a sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach... An uneasy feeling that something could go wrong, like not doing well or someone not liking me...

I clearly defined my comfort zone and spent a good bit of time defending it. Oh, sure, I would tweak it a little, and stretch it some, but I kept my comfort zone in my control. My parameters felt good, my boundaries safe and sound.

But, I was missing out... on A LOT! I started to notice that I was wishing to do more, to be more. I started to feel God pushing harder for me to step outside of what I thought was comfortable. The more He pushed, the more I began to ache. The longing to try more, to stretch more became almost palpable. I was no longer content staying where I was, and yet was terrified to move. The battle between the aching and the fear wreaked havoc on me. I wanted to stay put, but God wanted more.

So, I gave in a little, still holding tightly to what little control I thought I had. I took the vision God had given me for our Special Needs Ministry, and I shared it with our leadership. To some, this might seem like a small thing. For me, this was HUGE. The comfortable me would have not gone through with the meetings, as that brought butterflies and even some fear. I didn't want to fail the team. What if they didn't see the vision? More importantly, what if they didn't share the vision? The doubts and fears rattled in my mind even days later. BUT, I had done it. And amazing things have come from me taking those steps outside of my comfort zone.

But it didn't end there... God wasn't done with me (and is still NOT done with me). I still had the belief that I had some control. Still held tightly to my now slightly bigger comfort zone. But the ache was still there. The quiet desires to stretch became louder and the fear fought harder. With the encouragement of my husband, I chose to stretch and put myself out there in the craft world. I actually sold some of my signs to strangers! That's right, I sold things I created to people I didn't know. (I am sure some of you are thinking that I am being silly. Some of you are probably wondering what the big deal is. Wish I could explain it to you, but I can't. Just know it was a big thing.)

As if that wasn't enough, even with the inner turmoil of my soul churning, I proceeded to agree to start a business selling my creations... My comfort zone has completely shattered from all of the stretching. There is no comfort zone to really speak of, because it got left somewhere far, far away!

Am I still scared? Sure. Am I nervous that everything will fall apart? Yep. Am I even more nervous about succeeding? You bet! But the funny thing is I'm okay with it. I'm okay with the nerves and maybe even the small amount of fear. Mostly because it's not as uncomfortable as I thought it would be.

You see, I am learning that the comfort zone I had created for myself wasn't as comfortable as I had made it out to be. And it certainly wasn't as rewarding... God doesn't call us to stay in our comfort zone. He calls us out into the great unknown (unknown to us, that is). That's where we learn to trust Him. That's where we find out more about ourselves. And, as a friend pointed out, that's where the "magic" happens. I wasn't really happy in my comfort zone. The boundaries and parameters I put up to keep me comfortable actually made me more uncomfortable. Because the aches from the battle between my comfort level and God's calling are far worse than the nervousness and fear I have felt outside of that zone.

The Good, the Bad, and the Downright Ugly

When I started this blog many moons ago, I promised I would be honest... And, honest I have been. I tend to be an open book. Sort of. In person, especially when just in passing, I typically keep my personal junk to myself. But when someone genuinely asks how things are going, I will open myself up. And here, in blogland, I really try hard to be open and honest and vulnerable. Not because I want something from you all, but because I want you all to know that I am just like everyone else. I struggle, I succeed, I pout and whine, I celebrate... I trust God, struggle to see God, feel near to Him, feel far from Him... The crazy insanity of life here on earth has the same effects on me as it does on any of you. And I hope that in my honesty you find a nugget of truth for yourself.

With all of that said, tonight I want to welcome you into my current state of mind. It's totally a mix of the good, the bad, and the downright ugly, which I have found is how life just is.

As I sit here typing, I feel a mix of things. At first I thought I felt empty... But I realized that wasn't quite it. Then I was thinking I felt numb. You know, the feeling you get when you can't seem to feel anything. But that wasn't it, either. The more I thought, the more I realized I felt OVERFULL. (It's like when you eat a phenomenal meal and you keep eating long after your body says you're full. You can't move, your stomach almost aches, and you wish you were wearing an elastic waistband.)

Minus the whole elastic waistband, that's how I feel... I feel like I can't move, can't think, can't feel. My stomach almost aches, my head almost hurts. SO much stuff is happening in my life right now, both good and bad, that it has caused me to feel overfull.

God has been doing amazing things in me these past several months (and years)! I have grown and matured and seen myself do things that only He could have orchestrated. I have stepped out of my comfort zone more times than I can count, and when I establish a new zone, He moves me past that, too. He has helped my family focus on Him and how He wants us to live for Him. Even in the junk, He has proven time and time again that HIS plan is way better than ours. The GOOD has been amazing!

In amongst the growth (or maybe the cause of the growth) have come some pretty bad moments. Between health issues for both Kevin and me, we have not exactly been the most pleasant of people to be around. We have not been able to pour into the boys (and other aspects of our lives) the way we would like. A surgery for me, unknowns for Kevin until he goes in for his appointment this month have added new levels of stress for us.

And if that wasn't enough, we find ourselves struggling financially. But NOT like before. We pay our bills on time. We have money for food (just not for anything fun like ice cream or eating out). We have been focused and disciplined. We set forth goals... But life keeps happening and goals get postponed. The struggles are typically more about the things we can't have that we want. The real struggles are the frustrations that come when always doing the "right" thing and making the "wise" choice, when all we want to do is skip making dinner one night and go out to eat. Or when we want to save up for Christmas and the mortgage company says we owe money because they underestimated our taxes.

As always, raising four young boys has had it's fill of junk. The overwhelming pressure I put on myself to raise them "right" has led to many a sleepless night and many moments of feeling like a failure. Am I really enough for them? Am I meeting Tyler's needs? Am I being patient enough with Patrick? How many times am I going to lose it with Zachary over stupid stuff? Did we make the right decision for Ben to stay home one more year? Do they know they're loved? It's all the stuff that all moms (and dads) concern themselves with. Sometimes I just let it consume me, which is NEVER a good thing!

This is life. This is what we all go through. The highs, the lows, the good, the bad. But I have to admit, these past couple weeks, it has all built up into something downright UGLY! The normal life junk has led me (and Kevin too) to feel very overfull. Beyond stuffed. I can see God in this, and yet I can't reach Him. I NEED Him, and yet I am so overfull that I can't find the words to ask for help. I sat this morning during prayer time at work and I couldn't form one single sentence of prayer. Not because I didn't want to, but because I couldn't. I couldn't let out the cries of my heart.

Hope is there, and yet feels so unattainable. I have friends and family, and yet feel absolutely alone. I sat in service on Sunday, listening to everyone else singing, sobbing because I was surrounded by hundreds of people and yet I somehow felt alone. I knew then, and know now that it wasn't true. I wasn't (and am not) alone. But that's how I felt, and kind of still do.

In my head and in my heart is quite ugly right now. It's the horrible feeling of feeling overfull. I can see the good and the amazing things God is doing. I can feel the overwhelming pressure of life. I can hear the giggles of four little boys settling in for the night. I can sense God asking me to let it all go right now. And, if I am going to move forward, I have to do just that.

As I am writing this, "Be still and know that I am God" keeps popping in my head. Maybe, just maybe I don't have to move right now. Maybe I don't have to say anything to Him right now. Maybe I just need to be... He knows...

If The Devil Had His Way...

Wow, where has the time gone? Somehow it is now nearing the end of October! Thanksgiving and Christmas are rapidly approaching, and I somehow still feel left in August. So much has happened these past few months! God has been doing some truly AWESOME things in my personal life and in the life of able::life (our special needs ministry at church).

Somewhere along the journey of working for our church, God had called me to lead our special needs ministry. I had no idea what I was doing, but I knew God was wanting me there. It's taken 4 1/2 years, but God helped me to find my voice and more importantly my confidence to lead this ministry onto it's next steps. But here's the thing, it's taken 4 1/2 years... Not because it wasn't possible, but because I allowed the devil to have his way. I let fear and doubt interfere with what God was saying, which slowed everything down.

As so many awesome things are happening in the ministry, I have been thrown a curve ball. My health, which hasn't been the most spectacular this past year or so, has been interfering with daily life in significant ways. Some great doctors have helped work out most of the issues, but there's still one more thing left to deal with. I am scheduled to have surgery to remove my thyroid in 6 weeks, which should relieve the last nagging issues. Just as everything was falling into place, I find myself scared and unprepared. Fear has crept in and has definitely been overshadowing the many great things in my life. At times the fear and doubt consume my thoughts.

And, honestly, the same rings true at home. The boys have been doing amazing at school. They are growing into some amazing young men and I can see God's fingerprints in each of them. Their kindness towards others, their passion for life and even their spiritedness (or stubbornness in some) all show me that God has given us some amazing boys. I sit back and enjoy the laughter and silliness, and sometimes even the grossness four young boys brings. But I also fret over things that frankly I can't control. I spend so much time worrying and planning, hoping somehow that will keep my boys safe and help them succeed. I find myself doubting my abilities as a mom, leaving me in a place where I feel helpless.

And, if the devil had his way, I would remain paralyzed by the fear and doubt. If the devil had his way right now, I would probably curl up in a ball and never reach for the very things I was created for. But, thankfully, the devil doesn't get his way. Not when there's a God who is so much bigger than him. And certainly not when God has big plans (which He has for each of us)!

Of course the devil wants his way... He's terrified of what will happen when we follow God's lead. He is petrified of each of us fully becoming who God has created us to be. And so he finds ways to mess with us. He finds ways to crush our excitement, our joy. He keeps us focused on the fear, the doubt, and the junk in our life to ensure we can't see the amazing things happening in front of us.

I am so grateful that although the devil tries hard to skew what I think and feel, I hold onto the truth that God is so much bigger. I get distracted by fear, but only temporarily. The junk overshadows the amazing things God is doing, but not for long. Not because I have superpowers or because I am strong. It's because I KNOW God has a better plan than what the devil has planned, and God can squish the doubt and fear (and the devil).

I remind myself often that if the devil had his way, I would have never married Kevin. I would have remained stuck in a bad relationship that did NOT honor God. If the devil had his way, I would have never stepped foot into the able::life room that one Christmas Eve. And, if the devil had his way, God and I wouldn't have a relationship at all. BUT, the devil doesn't get his way. He doesn't win... He can't win... God has way too many plans for me (and you) to allow the devil to win.

To MY Mom, with Love

Well, it's Mother's Day, and I have to say, I am forever grateful to be privileged to celebrate today with my four boys and husband. Although the journey of being their Mama is not always easy, it is definitely a journey filled with joy! I have learned a lot about myself and about God through mothering them. But, there's someone else who I have learned so much from, and I thought it might be fitting to spend the next few paragraphs introducing you all to her...

 

 

35 years ago, God mapped out a plan for me that so intimately and delicately intertwined with my mom. He knew what type of mom I would need to grow and to mature and to succeed. He knew I would need a strong-willed, but patient woman to go up against my even stronger and less patient will. He knew I would need a mom who could teach me how to love my future husband, and how much forgiveness is an integral part of life. He knew I would need someone to shape me, to love me, and to eventually let me go and live life grounded in Him. There was no doubt in His mind that the best mom for me was MY mom.

 

Things, of course, haven't always been easy and not always pretty. Me being the opinionated, strong-willed daughter made for some good ol' conflict. Clothes shopping always brought out the worst in both of us when I was little. My tom-boy self would NOT be caught dead in a fru fru dress... Black, grey and blue were my favorite colors, so if it looked girlish, it wasn't going on my body! Some of that fear of fru fru still exists, but I have certainly expanded my wardrobe!

 

There were hard times like convincing my parents to let me live in NM my junior year of high school, which I didn't understand then, but now realize how much that had to have hurt them. (That's a LONG story for another time...) There was the refusal to go to Senior Prom, which I am sure my mom missed all the fun of prepping for that. There was even the refusal to walk in my own graduation, which my mom won that battle (but I was NOT happy about it). And there were those long conversations during my freshman year of college, when we discussed me possibly not returning to college in the fall.

 

I have so many wonderful memories that flood to mind when I think about my mom... I can remember her big, fluffy red robe she wore when I was just a little girl, and how it felt to be hugged by her in that robe. I can remember her trying to shield my sister and me from birds that were flying around the inside of our house as we ran to a bedroom. I remember coloring a lot together. I remember nights when she and I would lay in her bed watching silly shows, cuddling and laughing. There were nights of LONG talks, that I am sure seemed even longer to her. So many memories, so much fun!

 

My mom has amazed me at all the things she has accomplished, all of the things she put her mind to and did. She worked fulltime at the same company for 30 some years. Even though she hated driving the commute, and lots of changes happened within the company, she stayed loyal to the company and respectful to those she worked for and with. I didn't know what I was watching growing up, but as a woman in the work field now, I can totally see how important that was.

 

She went to college part time throughout a good part of my childhood. She worked, went to class, did homework, and still found time to be there when we needed her. She never missed a concert... Never missed the important stuff...

 

My mom loves God, trusts God, and serves God with an open heart. She has shown me, as well as my sister, how important God is in our lives. She ensured that we grew up knowing Him. She has always been a wonderful model of a God-fearing woman and wife.

 

I think what amazes me the most about my mom is that although she never had the love, the support, the connectedness with her mom, she somehow knew how to mother my sister and me. She didn't have the Godly example that she so lovingly has shown to us. She strived to give us the relationship she didn't have with her mom, and let me tell you succeeded. And, even though she didn't have that kind of relationship with her mom, she ALWAYS showed her mom love and respect. That says a lot about my mom all on it's own!

 

34 years ago, God gave me a mother that was just right for me, and a grandmother just right for my boys. As an adult, He has give me a best friend in her, and I am forever grateful for that friendship. I know it has NOT been easy to raise this strong-willed, impatient girl, but my mom has done it with love and grace. I would not be who I am today if it weren't for her.

 

Happy Mother's Day, Mom! I love you!

 

And Happy Mother's Day to all those out there reading this... May God bless you and those you "mother", even if they aren't your actual children!

 



Lessons from Tyler

In the almost 9 years of being a mom, my boys have taught me A LOT... From the quickest way to change a diaper to the best (and most efficient) way to make a mess. They have taught me about video games, super heroes, and all of the Disney Cars and Planes characters. They have even taught me which dinosaur fossils were found where, which by the way, there really IS a dinosaur named Gasosaurus (this of course being one of the favorites in our house).

There are SO many things I have learned as a mom, but many of the most significant lessons have been through Tyler... And since the little man is turning 7 in just a few days, I thought it might be fitting to spend some time focused on him and what he has taught me.

Tyler was the only one of our children who was NOT a surprise... We were ready for him, or so we thought! He came into this world in only 4 hours and a "push and a sneeze" as my husband says. He was healthy and BIG and we were thrilled!

That excitement quickly disappeared as we tried settling into a routine. The boy did NOT like to sleep... Two hours at a time for months and months. The poor couch had a permanent indentation from my body, as I "slept" on it every night. Tyler was miserable, fussy, and it was rare to see a smile on his face. The picture above was one of those few times we could capture a smile.

 

As hard as his first few months were (and even first couple years), those sleepless nights brought some great conversations with God. I had no choice but to talk, to cry, and to listen to God. I learned to rely on God for the strength to get up in the morning (or I guess it was more like to continue being awake in the morning). I learned that even if there was no one else around, that I wasn't alone. God had gotten me through many a sleepless night...

 

As Ty got older, we started seeing things that made us question whether he was "okay". There was no babbling, no gesturing, very little interaction with us or his brother. With a very heavy heart, we approached our doctor about these things. It was confirmed that Tyler had some significant developmental delays, and so we began the journey with Early Intervention.

 

As great as his therapists were (and they were AWESOME!), this was a very hard time for me. Accepting that my son wasn't "perfect" and that he might have significant issues the rest of his life was hard to swallow. But as time went on, and as I continued my late night talks with God, I began to see things differently. I realized God doesn't make mistakes when He creates us. He didn't make a mistake with Ty. He didn't accidently look away for a minute and OOPS, Tyler now has delays. NOPE, God made Tyler exactly how He wanted him to be. And as I fully accepted that, I also learned that God didn't make a mistake when He created me, either. (You can read more about this journey here: God Doesn't Make Mistakes )

 

As Tyler continued to grow and make amazing progress, we were astonished at what God was doing in Tyler. He became more cuddly, more loving, more jovial. His silly sense of humor started coming out. He almost became the exact opposite of who he was his first year and a half. His therapists and I were amazed by his progress, and I knew it was God's hand that helped hurry the progress along.

 

Our cranky, non-cuddly, miserable baby has turned into a happy-go-lucky, cuddly, pleasant boy who brightens everyone's day. The impact he has on those around him astounds me. Tyler loves life, loves people, and loves God. He enjoys laughing and being silly. He cares deeply for those around him. And, although we still have our moments (as we do with all of our children), he is a far cry from his early years.

 

Everyday Tyler teaches me how to be loving and kind to others. He asks for more time on tests for his friends. He hugs those around him who are having a rough day. He is the first one in the morning to joyfully say "Good Morning" and to wish people a "Happy Birthday", or whatever holiday/special might be going on. (And yes, he covers the minor holidays, like Presidents' Day and Groundhog's Day.)

 

When I lose sight of what matters, when I forget to be "nice", all I have to do is watch Tyler and he quickly reminds me what life is all about. It's about saying Hi to strangers just to make them smile. It's about meeting new friends at the park. It's about new jokes and laughter. It's about enjoying life to it's fullest, and I believe Tyler does that whole-heartedly.

 

Tyler has worked hard, persevered in the hard stuff, and has come out smiling! He is thriving in school, and has brightened his teacher's year. As he turns 7, it's hard not to celebrate all of the big (and little) things God has done in Tyler. Tyler has purpose here on Earth, and I know he is making his Heavenly Father proud! He certainly has made his Earthly parents proud!

By the way, this little face is the "I'm not happy with you, but I can't keep myself from smiling at you" face. This is quite a common face for him! (Thank you to Leigh G Photography for perfectly capturing Tyler!)

 

After the "I Do's"

 

"My precious gift from God, with Christ as my model, I promise to love and cherish you. To serve you and serve God with a willing heart. To help you stay grounded in Christ and His love. In times of sorrow and pain, I will be your shoulder to cry on. In times of joy, I will be your smile. I promise to support you through all stages of life, until God calls me home."

 

 

Those were the words Kevin and I said to each other 10 years ago when we stood in front of our closest friends and family, ready to spend the rest of our lives together. Little did we know how our lives would unfold. Little did we know how much sorrow and pain and joy there would be.

Kevin and I first met when I was a freshman in college. He was best friends with the guy I was dating. We met a few times, got each other's AOL Instant Messenger screen names, and when his best friend and I broke up, that was it... I thought that I would never see him (or any of the other York people I had come to know) again.

6 years later, as I was online, Kevin's screen name popped up on my computer. His message was short, and very much to the point: "I am cleaning out my AOL IM, if you do not remind me who you are, I will delete you." Yep, that's how it all began... A threat of deletion catapulted us into this amazing and crazy journey.

I knew who he was instantly. I remembered how he looked (you don't run into too many 6ft 4 red-headed guys). I remembered how sweet he was. He did NOT remember who I was, but we continued to chat online for about a month. We decided it was time to meet (again) in person, so I came out to York. We had a wonderful first date, and I learned a lot about him during that time. I learned that family was important to him. He showed me this by talking on the phone with his younger brother, who was stationed in Las Vegas, for half an hour while we were hiking. (Yes, I know for many the whole being on the phone for half an hour would have been a turn off...)  I also learned about his fear of snakes!

It only took us 2 months to figure out we wanted to marry each other. I knew he was the kind of man I wanted to spend my life with. He had the 3 non-negotiable qualities I needed in a man: a strong love for God, a love for children/teens, and a love for music. Without any significant hesitations from my parents (which was kind of surprising), Kevin was given their blessing to marry me.

We spent the next 6 months living in two different states, planning our lives together. Wedding plans went smoothly, thanks to my mom who took on the brunt of it. A dress was found, family friends became involved in the photos and flowers. The church I had spent my entire life in was reserved. We bought a house that Kevin worked on to get it ready for when I moved in. Everything was in place...

But no amount of planning could have prepared us for what we were about to begin... Nothing could have prepared our hearts for the journey God was taking us on. In those 8 months of courting and planning, we would never have believed the amazing things that would happen in the coming 10 years. 4 beautiful, loving, caring little boys. A brief, but joy filled (and sorrow filled) journey with our daughter. Medical issues, money issues. Medical healing, financial healing. Job changes upon job changes.

When we said our vows, we would have never been able to imagine how many times we would need each other's shoulders to cry on. Or how many smiles would come across our faces. We didn't know how hard it would be to stay grounded in Christ, but how fulfilling it would be to make it through the storm. We could not fathom the work and intentionality needed to serve each other, to love each other, even when we don't want to. We also could not fathom the overwhelming joy and contentment and peace that comes with being married, with sharing our lives, living our lives focused on God.

Kevin has been, and always will be, my precious gift from God. His strength, his joy, his silliness bring me balance in times I feel unsteady. His love for God and desire to serve Him energizes me. I believe with all of my heart that God smiled an extra big smile the day Kevin and I married.

As we continue on this journey, I pray that God continues to bless us with the pain and sorrow and joy and laughter. That He continues to be at the forefront of our hearts and our marriage. That He gives us the strength to love and serve each other, especially when it's hard. And that He will bless us with many more years to walk together.