And here we are again: tomorrow is March 27th. Every year is different. Last year I wrote about how no matter how hard today is, tomorrow always comes. It's now been 11 years and yes, many tomorrows have come. The deep heartache and sorrow have slowly been replaced with a quiet sadness and anticipation for the day that I will get to meet my daughter. I remember her and the journey every day, but March 27th still hits me hard. The memories are more vivid, the feelings more raw. But this year, something is different...
We were sitting around the dinner table one night last week, and somehow we started talking about Sammy. With the boys being older now, they have more questions than we have answers. "Why did God take her home?" "Did you get to see her and hold her?" "What was wrong with her?" But one question really got me thinking... "Would Tyler be here if Sammy had lived?" That then led to, "Would Zachary and Benjamin be here, too?"
I never thought about it. I never once thought about how different life would be IF Sammy had lived. My answer was not confident... "I don't think Tyler would be here. I would have still been pregnant with Sammy during the time I got pregnant with Tyler. And, I don't know if we would have had Zach and Ben." Tyler's response was something along the lines of "I'm sad for Sammy but I am very happy for me!" And I realized I felt the same way.
After that conversation with the boys, I started really thinking about how different things would have been. And I found myself being grateful that things worked out the way they did. I LOVE my life. I LOVE my boys. I cannot fathom life any differently. Who would I be without the journey I've been on? Who would I be without the life lessons from Tyler? I have learned more about God and His love for me through Tyler than anyone else.
Are there days I wish I could have known Sammy? ABSOLUTELY! Are there days when I wonder what it would be like to have a daughter? SURE! But, everyday, I am so grateful for the four boys who make my life full and crazy and wonderful!
I miss Sammy deeply. But this year, rather than focusing on what I lost, I want to focus on what I gained. Focusing on the loss doesn't bring her back. It doesn't change what is. But, focusing on what I have and what I will have brings joy and delight into my life. And, I am pretty sure that's how Sammy would want it.
11 years is a long time to miss your child. It's a long time to crave just one glimpse of who she is, what she looks like. But 11 years is also a wonderful time of memories with those who are here. 11 years of silliness and giggles, stories and adventures, cuddles and kisses. I wake up every morning to Tyler's long winded explanations of things I do not understand, knowing that I would miss that if it weren't a part of my life. I listen to the constant chatter between Ben and Zach, reminding myself that this is how it should be.
11 years ago, God knew better than I did... He knew the life He wanted for me and for my family. Despite the pain and grief and deep sorrow that came with the loss of Sammy, I am forever grateful for the life He has given us. God knew better then, and He still knows better now. Even when I don't understand!
Monday, March 26, 2018
Monday, March 19, 2018
Submit, Love, Honor, Respect Revisited
I wrote the following post three years ago, just as we were about to celebrate our 10th anniversary. We, as a married couple, had faced a good bit in 10 years. We had four babies in four years, the loss of a baby, a massive home renovation, job changes, major surgeries for me. And yet it was, and still is, the little things that cause us to struggle the most. It’s the daily “annoyances” that cause me to lose my cool. It’s the little habits that make me want to scream. It’s the day to day grind that leaves me not “feeling” like loving, submitting, honoring and respecting. But, it doesn’t matter if I feel like it... it is what I was called to do when I married Kevin, and it is still what God calls me to do every day.
When I said "I do" I had no idea how amazing AND how hard things would be. Some of the hardest things for me throughout these 10 years fall under these four words: Submit... Honor... Love... Respect...
Yep, all four words should be not only in our vocabulary, but in our hearts and in our actions, especially if we are wives. But, they aren't exactly the easiest things to do. Sure, to show love can be easy, particularly when we FEEL love. It becomes more challenging when that wonderful, mushy feeling isn't there anymore.
Respect can be relatively easy, too. Most of us are taught to be respectful at an early age, and so we have that skill set engrained in us. In the real world, we have learned to respect people, even if we may not agree with them. Respecting our husbands when we don't agree with them is a tad bit harder.
Honor and submission, I think, are the two hardest things to do as a wife. Honoring my husband doesn't just mean during times when I like him. Or when I agree with him. Or when I think he's the most amazing man in the world. Nope, honoring him must still be done when I don't like him. And when I don't agree with him. And, even when he's being a dingdong. We are called to honor our husbands by God. Honoring our husbands honors God. Honor is a VERB, it calls us to action. It requires intentionality.
Then there's the whole submitting thing. I have heard SO many women try to argue that in this day and age we shouldn't be submitting to our husbands. That it's antiquated and some even believe it's some form of us being slaves to our husbands. But here's the thing, God isn't calling us to be slaves to our husbands... He's calling us to do so much more! In Ephesians 5:22-24 (MSG), it says
"Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ. The husband provides leadership to his wife the way Christ does to his church, not by domineering but by cherishing. So just as the church submits to Christ as he exercises such leadership, wives should likewise submit to their husbands." (HUSBANDS you should note that there's work for you too! Continue reading the next couple verses!)
I LOVE this! It clearly states that we are to understand and support our husbands... He is our leader, the head of the household. We need to support him (even when we don't always agree). We need to understand him, and if we don't we need to continue to try to understand him. Submitting isn't about saying, "Yes, Master!" "Whatever you say, Master!" "What is your bidding, Master?" (We are not slaves or droids.) Submitting is about abiding to him and his needs, thoughts, desires...
Loving, respecting, honoring and submitting to our husbands isn't about feelings. Sure, when we FEEL great and wonderful things for our husbands, it's a lot easier to be and do those things. But, we are not to be fair-weather wives. We still need to love and respect, honor and submit, even when we don't WANT to. (Insert stomping of feet!)
This is where it becomes HARD. This is where our intentions and our attitudes greatly affect our actions. My attitude tends to get in the way of a lot of things, and this area of being a wife is NO exception. When I think I am right, I AM right. What I think is best to do, IS best. But here's the thing, sometimes what I think is right, what I think is best, does NOT feel right to my husband. Sometimes, I have to put my stubbornness aside and say, "I can't move on this unless Kevin is also on board. And since he's not, then I have to support his feelings." (NOT EASY TO DO, by the way!)
But it's not just about "giving in" or surrendering. It's about changing your heart from "fine, have it your way" (with a snotty tone included) to "I love you, and I don't want to force you into something you're not comfortable with." I can tell you from recent experience that the "fine, have it your way" is FAR from being respectful and honoring. It cuts deep in your husband's heart, and everyone around you can see your stinky attitude.
I know I won't always agree with my husband. After almost 10 years of marriage, I have learned that we do NOT see eye to eye on a good bit of things. He is not always the most attentive, caring, and giving man (but, hey, I am far from perfect, too). He is not always right. But how I treat him is not dependent on any of that. It's dependent on the fact that almost 10 years ago, I vowed to love him and honor him in all the great stuff AND in all the not so great stuff. It's not dependent on how I FEEL about him at that moment. It's dependent on the fact that I am called by God to love him, to respect him, to honor him, and to submit to him.
Let your LOVE, your RESPECT, your HONOR, and your SUBMISSION be VERBS, not just nouns. Let your heart and mind shift from what he is or isn't doing for you to what you can be doing for him. Keep your heart focused on what God is calling YOU to do, and let God and your husband work on your husband's stuff.
When I said "I do" I had no idea how amazing AND how hard things would be. Some of the hardest things for me throughout these 10 years fall under these four words: Submit... Honor... Love... Respect...
Yep, all four words should be not only in our vocabulary, but in our hearts and in our actions, especially if we are wives. But, they aren't exactly the easiest things to do. Sure, to show love can be easy, particularly when we FEEL love. It becomes more challenging when that wonderful, mushy feeling isn't there anymore.
Respect can be relatively easy, too. Most of us are taught to be respectful at an early age, and so we have that skill set engrained in us. In the real world, we have learned to respect people, even if we may not agree with them. Respecting our husbands when we don't agree with them is a tad bit harder.
Honor and submission, I think, are the two hardest things to do as a wife. Honoring my husband doesn't just mean during times when I like him. Or when I agree with him. Or when I think he's the most amazing man in the world. Nope, honoring him must still be done when I don't like him. And when I don't agree with him. And, even when he's being a dingdong. We are called to honor our husbands by God. Honoring our husbands honors God. Honor is a VERB, it calls us to action. It requires intentionality.
Then there's the whole submitting thing. I have heard SO many women try to argue that in this day and age we shouldn't be submitting to our husbands. That it's antiquated and some even believe it's some form of us being slaves to our husbands. But here's the thing, God isn't calling us to be slaves to our husbands... He's calling us to do so much more! In Ephesians 5:22-24 (MSG), it says
"Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ. The husband provides leadership to his wife the way Christ does to his church, not by domineering but by cherishing. So just as the church submits to Christ as he exercises such leadership, wives should likewise submit to their husbands." (HUSBANDS you should note that there's work for you too! Continue reading the next couple verses!)
I LOVE this! It clearly states that we are to understand and support our husbands... He is our leader, the head of the household. We need to support him (even when we don't always agree). We need to understand him, and if we don't we need to continue to try to understand him. Submitting isn't about saying, "Yes, Master!" "Whatever you say, Master!" "What is your bidding, Master?" (We are not slaves or droids.) Submitting is about abiding to him and his needs, thoughts, desires...
Loving, respecting, honoring and submitting to our husbands isn't about feelings. Sure, when we FEEL great and wonderful things for our husbands, it's a lot easier to be and do those things. But, we are not to be fair-weather wives. We still need to love and respect, honor and submit, even when we don't WANT to. (Insert stomping of feet!)
This is where it becomes HARD. This is where our intentions and our attitudes greatly affect our actions. My attitude tends to get in the way of a lot of things, and this area of being a wife is NO exception. When I think I am right, I AM right. What I think is best to do, IS best. But here's the thing, sometimes what I think is right, what I think is best, does NOT feel right to my husband. Sometimes, I have to put my stubbornness aside and say, "I can't move on this unless Kevin is also on board. And since he's not, then I have to support his feelings." (NOT EASY TO DO, by the way!)
But it's not just about "giving in" or surrendering. It's about changing your heart from "fine, have it your way" (with a snotty tone included) to "I love you, and I don't want to force you into something you're not comfortable with." I can tell you from recent experience that the "fine, have it your way" is FAR from being respectful and honoring. It cuts deep in your husband's heart, and everyone around you can see your stinky attitude.
I know I won't always agree with my husband. After almost 10 years of marriage, I have learned that we do NOT see eye to eye on a good bit of things. He is not always the most attentive, caring, and giving man (but, hey, I am far from perfect, too). He is not always right. But how I treat him is not dependent on any of that. It's dependent on the fact that almost 10 years ago, I vowed to love him and honor him in all the great stuff AND in all the not so great stuff. It's not dependent on how I FEEL about him at that moment. It's dependent on the fact that I am called by God to love him, to respect him, to honor him, and to submit to him.
Let your LOVE, your RESPECT, your HONOR, and your SUBMISSION be VERBS, not just nouns. Let your heart and mind shift from what he is or isn't doing for you to what you can be doing for him. Keep your heart focused on what God is calling YOU to do, and let God and your husband work on your husband's stuff.
Sunday, March 4, 2018
What We Don't Need As Parents...
It's March... I can't believe it's March! I have noticed how time seems to be flying faster than it used to. As I have gotten older, time slips through my fingers so much faster...
I've been thinking a lot about parenting and how hard it can be. As I am typing, I am sitting next to our youngest, Ben, who is recovering from being sick. Watching him tire so quickly makes my heart sad. The boy that has energy to spare barely could muster up the energy to play his favorite video game. It's looking like a short lived bug, but this Mama wishes I could make it disappear. I know there are many parents who feel the same way right now...
There is nothing more a parent hates than to see their child suffer, whether it be physically or emotionally! But, I have found something else that I very much DISLIKE as a parent and that's the judgement and opinions that seem to so easily flow out of people's mouths. SO many people feel they have the right to share their opinions on how we as parents parent. SO many people feel they have the right to judge the way we parent, giving unapproving glances and whispering their thoughts to those around them. But, they don't... We don't.
Parenting is HARD. SUPER HARD. We question EVERYTHING we do. Are we promoting independence at the right age? Are we being stern enough when needed? Are we showing enough grace? Are our children eating the right food? Are we shaping our children to become contributing members of society or are we raising boomerang children who will manage to make their way back into our house when they are grown?
So many questions, so many doubts... AND other people's judgments and opinions do not help us. Don't get me wrong, my husband and I have a few close people that we bounce ideas off of and sort through some of the hardest times of parenting. We value those opinions from those closest to us greatly. What we struggle with are the opinions from those we have not been invited into our struggles. We do not wish to hear from the lady at Walmart who believes that time-outs are inappropriate to give in the store. We do not need the unsolicited advice on what WE should do to fix the craziness of having four boys. And, I KNOW that you all feel the same way!!
So, why do we do it to others? Why do I find myself judging the mom with the screaming child in the aisle of the grocery store? How many times have you done the same? Or maybe expressed your thoughts to another parent when you weren't asked?
We are not called to judge other parents. We are not called to criticize other parents. We are called to raise each other up. We are called to find ways to BUILD EACH OTHER UP.
What if we encouraged the mom with the screaming child by reminding her "this too shall pass"? What if we could wrap the struggling parent with words of kindness and encouragement? What if we asked parents we know HOW we could pray for them?
I can tell you what would happen: we'd have a lot more confident, supported parents. We'd have parents who weren't so afraid to "do the wrong thing". We'd have parents who would learn that they aren't alone. They would have freedom to share the hard times and know they won't be judged (because we struggle with the same things).
How will you help RAISE A PARENT UP? How can you help create an environment for tired, struggling parents that leave them feeling loved and accepted?
I've been thinking a lot about parenting and how hard it can be. As I am typing, I am sitting next to our youngest, Ben, who is recovering from being sick. Watching him tire so quickly makes my heart sad. The boy that has energy to spare barely could muster up the energy to play his favorite video game. It's looking like a short lived bug, but this Mama wishes I could make it disappear. I know there are many parents who feel the same way right now...
There is nothing more a parent hates than to see their child suffer, whether it be physically or emotionally! But, I have found something else that I very much DISLIKE as a parent and that's the judgement and opinions that seem to so easily flow out of people's mouths. SO many people feel they have the right to share their opinions on how we as parents parent. SO many people feel they have the right to judge the way we parent, giving unapproving glances and whispering their thoughts to those around them. But, they don't... We don't.
Parenting is HARD. SUPER HARD. We question EVERYTHING we do. Are we promoting independence at the right age? Are we being stern enough when needed? Are we showing enough grace? Are our children eating the right food? Are we shaping our children to become contributing members of society or are we raising boomerang children who will manage to make their way back into our house when they are grown?
So many questions, so many doubts... AND other people's judgments and opinions do not help us. Don't get me wrong, my husband and I have a few close people that we bounce ideas off of and sort through some of the hardest times of parenting. We value those opinions from those closest to us greatly. What we struggle with are the opinions from those we have not been invited into our struggles. We do not wish to hear from the lady at Walmart who believes that time-outs are inappropriate to give in the store. We do not need the unsolicited advice on what WE should do to fix the craziness of having four boys. And, I KNOW that you all feel the same way!!
So, why do we do it to others? Why do I find myself judging the mom with the screaming child in the aisle of the grocery store? How many times have you done the same? Or maybe expressed your thoughts to another parent when you weren't asked?
We are not called to judge other parents. We are not called to criticize other parents. We are called to raise each other up. We are called to find ways to BUILD EACH OTHER UP.
What if we encouraged the mom with the screaming child by reminding her "this too shall pass"? What if we could wrap the struggling parent with words of kindness and encouragement? What if we asked parents we know HOW we could pray for them?
I can tell you what would happen: we'd have a lot more confident, supported parents. We'd have parents who weren't so afraid to "do the wrong thing". We'd have parents who would learn that they aren't alone. They would have freedom to share the hard times and know they won't be judged (because we struggle with the same things).
How will you help RAISE A PARENT UP? How can you help create an environment for tired, struggling parents that leave them feeling loved and accepted?
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