Monday, March 26, 2018

I Wouldn't Want It Any Different

And here we are again: tomorrow is March 27th. Every year is different. Last year I wrote about how no matter how hard today is, tomorrow always comes. It's now been 11 years and yes, many tomorrows have come. The deep heartache and sorrow have slowly been replaced with a quiet sadness and anticipation for the day that I will get to meet my daughter. I remember her and the journey every day, but March 27th still hits me hard. The memories are more vivid, the feelings more raw. But this year, something is different...

We were sitting around the dinner table one night last week, and somehow we started talking about Sammy. With the boys being older now, they have more questions than we have answers. "Why did God take her home?" "Did you get to see her and hold her?" "What was wrong with her?" But one question really got me thinking... "Would Tyler be here if Sammy had lived?" That then led to, "Would Zachary and Benjamin be here, too?"

I never thought about it. I never once thought about how different life would be IF Sammy had lived. My answer was not confident... "I don't think Tyler would be here. I would have still been pregnant with Sammy during the time I got pregnant with Tyler. And, I don't know if we would have had Zach and Ben." Tyler's response was something along the lines of "I'm sad for Sammy but I am very happy for me!"  And I realized I felt the same way.

After that conversation with the boys, I started really thinking about how different things would have been. And I found myself being grateful that things worked out the way they did. I LOVE my life. I LOVE my boys. I cannot fathom life any differently. Who would I be without the journey I've been on? Who would I be without the life lessons from Tyler? I have learned more about God and His love for me through Tyler than anyone else.

Are there days I wish I could have known Sammy? ABSOLUTELY! Are there days when I wonder what it would be like to have a daughter? SURE! But, everyday, I am so grateful for the four boys who make my life full and crazy and wonderful!

I miss Sammy deeply. But this year, rather than focusing on what I lost, I want to focus on what I gained. Focusing on the loss doesn't bring her back. It doesn't change what is. But, focusing on what I have and what I will have brings joy and delight into my life. And, I am pretty sure that's how Sammy would want it.

11 years is a long time to miss your child. It's a long time to crave just one glimpse of who she is, what she looks like. But 11 years is also a wonderful time of memories with those who are here. 11 years of silliness and giggles, stories and adventures, cuddles and kisses. I wake up every morning to Tyler's long winded explanations of things I do not understand, knowing that I would miss that if it weren't a part of my life. I listen to the constant chatter between Ben and Zach, reminding myself that this is how it should be.

11 years ago, God knew better than I did... He knew the life He wanted for me and for my family. Despite the pain and grief and deep sorrow that came with the loss of Sammy, I am forever grateful for the life He has given us. God knew better then, and He still knows better now. Even when I don't understand!

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