Finding my dream...

It's almost here! School is almost here!! The boys will return to the structured life they love, with their friends and their learning! Life will return to some semblance of normalcy, and I will find myself enjoying quiet time again! To say that we are excited is an understatement!

We really are looking forward to what this year will bring. Patrick is striving for straight As this year. Tyler plans to be more involved at school (and to not blow away at recess). Zachary is working towards a perfect score on the PSSAs and to be on the Academic Bowl team like his big brothers. Ben cannot wait to be back in class with his friend Michael and to master power chords on guitar. And I am looking forward to a little less chaos everyday.

But, there's a part of me that is rather nervous about this new school year. Not because of the boys, as I know they will do amazing! I'm nervous because I have decided to be intentional about discovering more about myself. In January, I will be participating in a year and a half long class at church that will help me learn to be more connected to God and to be more connected to the person God has created me to be. It's pretty cool stuff, but having watched Kevin go through the class, I know I am in for some hard conversations with God and with myself.

There will also be a lot more intentionality in seeking out what I want for myself, what goals I want to set, what dreams I want to pursue (and what my dreams actually are)... When I was little, all I wanted to be was a wife and a mom. I never really thought about anything else. I went to college because I was told it was a good choice, but really, all I wanted was to be married and to have children. I am "living the dream" as Kevin reminds me often. But I know there's more in store for me now that the boys are older and a whole lot more independent and self-sufficient.

Here I am "living the dream" with my wonderful boys and loving husband!

My husband and I were talking the other day about how neat it is that friends of ours are pursuing their dreams. We were talking about how some of our friends are pursuing college, some pursuing career changes, some starting/continuing their dream businesses.  We talked about how awesome it is that my husband is working his dream job as a teacher. The conversation then turned to what my dreams are. What would be my dream job? What do I want to pursue? And, honestly, I had no answer... I don't know what my dream job would be. I don't really know what I want to do. I have spent so much of my time focused on helping Kevin find and pursue his dreams, and helping the boys to grow and mature and flourish, that somehow I have neglected to really think about what I REALLY want to do.

I kind of feel like the character Maggie from Runaway Bride, who can't even tell you her favorite way to prepare eggs... The boys ask me what my favorites are: favorite movie, favorite song, favorite food. And the more they ask, the more I realize I don't really know. I know my favorite ice cream, which if we're being totally honest, is crucial to life. But I am realizing how much I don't know about myself.

With the copious amount of quiet time I will be enjoying this school year, I want to discover myself. I want to find out what my favorite things are. I want to spend time dreaming. I want to be able to confidently say I am pursuing what I am called to do. And along the way, I hope to inspire other moms to do the same.

Mommyness is hard. It's easy to get wrapped up in the lives of our children. As a wife, it's so easy to be your husband's cheerleader and so difficult to find the energy to cheer for ourselves. We need to stay connected to the person inside us NOT called Mom (because we truly do have a real name other than Mom). We need to find ways to dream, even in the midst of the sleepless nights and LONG days. OUR dreams are just as important. OUR time to grow and flourish isn't AFTER our children have grown, but WHILE they are growing. The more we grow as individuals, the so much better we will be as Mom and wife and all of the other titles we wear. 

It is definitely going to be a wonderful and crazy year, and I cannot wait to see what God has in store for us!

When Fear is at the Forefront

If you can believe, the summer is slowly ending which means a brand new school year is upon us! In the Schussler household, that's a BIG deal! My five guys all get excited about returning to school. Don't get me wrong, they also LOVE summer! Between birthdays, day trips, camping, and our annual trip to Ocean City, NJ, our summer has been packed with fun times. But, there's something so familiar and comfortable with the school year. Our routine is more structured, the boys see their friends way more, and their insatiable hunger for learning can actually be fed!! (Not to mention, this Mama gets a little quiet time every so often!)

Sunset in Ocean City, NJ

This year brings us a 7th grader, 5th grader, 4th grader, and 2nd grader, which is just unbelievable! This Thursday, our baby will be turning 8 and just last week our oldest turned 12!!!! I don't remember ever agreeing to all of this growing up stuff!

I wish I could tell you that I am truly excited about this year... I wish I could tell you that because we have been sending these crazy monkeys off to school for what seems like FOREVER that it's easier this year. But this year seems harder. Everything has seemed harder. You see, our second oldest son Tyler has been struggling for the last 6 months or so with extreme, debilitating fear. He has always been our nervous one, ever cautious when trying new things or experiencing new sounds. He has never liked dogs barking or alarms going off, and will be the first one to plug his ears over almost every noise. We have always understood it to just be part of his Autism Spectrum package... 

But, things have gone way past his normal nervousness. This summer, we watched him burrow under towels on the beach sobbing because it was windy. He has curled up in a ball under a picnic table refusing to eat because of the wind. He almost refused to go on the Guys' annual camping trip because he was so afraid that it would be windy. We have seen him cower in a corner because of our ferrets. He freezes when around dogs (even dogs he knows well). He absolutely refuses to go outside if he sees any flying bugs. 

We have no idea where this has come from, especially his extreme fear of the wind. Up until this summer, he loved the beach. He loved playing in the water, but more so playing in the sand. Of all the days we were on the beach, he only played in the sand one time, and that was after A LOT of coaxing.  

We have a plan of attack for this. We are reaching out to get help through a counselor, and will certainly do whatever we need to help him. But, it leaves me feeling helpless. Because in 3 weeks, he will be returning to school, where some days, the wind will blow at recess. And 5th grade teachers aren't going to be very understanding of the 10 year old boy clinging to them while his peers are playing (or possibly making fun of him). Bees and flies will surely fly past him the first few weeks of school. And there isn't much I can do to help him work through it. And that's hard as a mama. Feeling helpless is such a horrible feeling!

Watching Tyler regress and watching him struggle so deeply with his fears has me thinking a lot about my own fears. How many times have I allowed my fear to command my every move? How many times have I missed out of things I would have liked because of fear?

I have worked through a lot of my fears and have overcome a good many of them. But, there are a few underlying fears that still have a hold on me... My fear of failure certainly holds me back from really succeeding. BUT, my fear of succeeding controls me even more. My fears keep me from really embracing who I am, who I want to be, and really, who God has created me to be. 

As Tyler works on learning how to overcome his fears, I, too, will be working on overcoming mine. Because, we both have too much life to live to let fear get the best of us.